Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 I'm in love with a man I've been seeing for the past 4 months. Just for some background information, we do almost everything together, spend at least 4 days a week together, go out or stay in, celebrated my college graduation together, speak very intimately with each other, and spend time with one another's friends. We also started having sex around 2 months ago. Seems like a solid relationship except that he refuses to become an official couple. He says that he isn't ready for a relationship and we have had many conversations about why and I understand his reasoning....except that we definitely are in a functional relationship. Recently, we spent NYE together and it was great. Since then though, I have not seen him and have barely spoken to him. He is very introverted and sometimes retreats when he feels overwhelmed but always gives me a heads up. This time he did not. When we speak he behaves as if nothing has changed, doesn't try to make any excuses but also doesn't attempt to meet up. I'm also introverted and understand completely when someone needs space. I know that it has been less than 2 weeks but this is quite a drastic change and I'm wondering if I should wait it out or ask him what's up.
mikeylo Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 As long as you guys have phones on you , communication is just a click away but he is choosing to not click. 2 weeks is a long time without explanation. It has nothing to with introverted etc. You can wait it out or call and try and get an answer.
phineas Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 While I don't speak for all men i believe as a man i'm qualified to say men, once they are getting regular sex, tend to avoid NOT having regular sex. He doesn't want a relationship. He hasn't seen you in two weeks. The simple answer is, he is getting sex elsewhere and when that dries up he will hit you up. And he can because you two are not in a relationship. My suggestion is move on. A man who has any intentions of committing to you would never go underground on you for two weeks. 7
kidm Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) Pulling back doesn't have anything to do with being introverted. He is managing your expectations. He told you he's not looking for a relationship and is acting as such as he owes you nothing. Do I think it's the gentlemanly thing to do? No. I'm sure he will return when he's looking for companionship/sex. If you're looking for a real committed relationship, I'd advice you to look elsewhere. Edited January 13, 2017 by kidm 3
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 Pulling back doesn't have anything to do with being introverted. He is managing your expectations. He told you he's not looking for a relationship and is acting as such as he owes you nothing. Do I think it's the gentlemanly thing to do? No. I'm sure he will return when he's looking for companionship/sex. If you're looking for a real committed relationship, I'd advice you to look elsewhere. I'm introverted and also have some social anxiety. When I'm overwhelmed or tired from school or work I usually need to take a few days away from friends and significant others. Thanks all who answered. My biggest issue is that we have been open with each other about seeing other people in the past. We have become close friends regardless of other relationships and I know he owes me nothing. Guess I was expecting him to be gentlemanly though or open with me. I think I'm mostly confused about months of openness and comfort and consistency and then this stark contrast. But perhaps I'm naive.
kidm Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 I'm introverted and also have some social anxiety. When I'm overwhelmed or tired from school or work I usually need to take a few days away from friends and significant others. Thanks all who answered. My biggest issue is that we have been open with each other about seeing other people in the past. We have become close friends regardless of other relationships and I know he owes me nothing. Guess I was expecting him to be gentlemanly though or open with me. I think I'm mostly confused about months of openness and comfort and consistency and then this stark contrast. But perhaps I'm naive. I know what introversion is and how that manifests in everyday life. My point is, it does not seem to apply to your case based on what you've described. "I think I'm mostly confused about months of openness and comfort and consistency and then this stark contrast." Your best bet is to ask him. If there was openness, then you should also feel comfortable with being open with your thoughts and feelings. That should hopefully alleviate some of the angst you are currently feeling. 2
kendahke Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 he may have just not wanted to be by himself over the holidays... and now that they are over, all of this: we do almost everything together, spend at least 4 days a week together, go out or stay in, speak very intimately with each other, and spend time with one another's friends. is smothering or overwhelming him. If you've had months of openness, then you should not be afraid to ask him why he's vanishing on you. Seems like a reasonable and legitimate question to ask.
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 This is so, so hard but...he told you he doesn't want a relationship...and you HAVE to believe him. Protect your heart and DO NOT read into this that he's just hiding, introverted, scared, or whatever. Because he has flat-out told you he won't be having an "official" relationship with you. I hate to say this because you love him, but you may want to move on.
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 Thanks everyone. I do feel comfortable enough to ask him, just didn't know if it was overstepping because as I said we're not in a relationship and he has the freedom to spend as much or as little time with me as he wants and vice verse. I will just ask him what's up.
OnlyHonesty Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 Your problem stems from not enforcing your own boundaries. You want an official relationship, he doesn't. He has made all of this clear but you are still trying to get him to play to your tune. Your mistake is having specific requirements but then not having the discipline and strength to do what's needed to be done i.e find someone who has the same values that you do. It won't matter whether you talk to him about it because it won't change. The only outcome of such a chat will that he spends longer time not communicating with you. He is an emotionally unavailable guy. I know because I am the same, but the difference is that I would not get involved at all. 1
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 14, 2017 Author Posted January 14, 2017 I definitely do want to be in an official relationship right now, but I just graduated from college, am living back at my parents house, and am looking for jobs all over the country so it wouldn't be feasible. His reasons for wanting to stay single are similar which is why I understand. But I do struggle with setting boundaries regardless. My main issue is that I don't know exactly what I want.
OnlyHonesty Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 My main issue is that I don't know exactly what I want. Whatever you can't have.. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 Nope...not that. I definitely do want to be in an official relationship right now, but I just graduated from college, am living back at my parents house, and am looking for jobs all over the country so it wouldn't be feasible. His reasons for wanting to stay single are similar which is why I understand. But I do struggle with setting boundaries regardless. My main issue is that I don't know exactly what I want. You want something that you yourself state is not feasible, and he does not want it. Both point towards wanting what you can't have...
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 A man doesn't see you because he doesn't want to....he is just feeling guilty that he truly isn't interested, so he just acts like nothing is wrong to avoid confrontation....being an introvert guarantees he is going to be a damn coward. As for people who say they doesn't want to put a title on it....it's because they want an easy escape route. It's over...move on.
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 I would have texted him by now to see hat his thoughts are. Sounds like this little fling is over as 2 weeks with no communication is not normal. sorry.
spiderowl Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 I don't know what his thinking is, but I can't see what you are getting out of this relationship. You want more commitment and he doesn't. Maybe he is backing off because of that. However, why should you put up with less? Why not give up on this guy and find someone different. Yes, I know you said you love him but it is possible to get over someone and go on to love someone else. Love can keep you bound to someone who is in the end totally unsuitable.
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 There is a guy I call "A Quality Casual Guy". They are great to be with, treat you well/like a girlfriend but will not call you his girlfriend. He wants and needs the company of a woman, and when he finds one he really likes, maybe even loves, he will stick with her for as long as he can because, well, it's easier than dating a whole bunch of women. These men are also "cavers". They don't deal with stress well and they don't include "partners" in their problems, etc. They cut them out/retreat and when they do this often, it's very hard on the partner. This man does not want a "real" partner. He doesn't want the "obligations" that come with having a girlfriend. He wants her to be there when he wants her to and, as long as she tolerates him coming in and out of her life, he's fine. He calls you like nothing has changed -- because, to him nothing has changed. All this being said, when someone tells/shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out/resolve what their problem is, but if they take too long, they won't have a place to land their aircraft. Two weeks is entirely too long to put someone on the "back burner" no matter what's going on. Bottom line, though, is this guy is not giving you what you need. Move on. Don't reach out in any way. He's showing you who he is and it's not enough for you. 1
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 20, 2017 Author Posted January 20, 2017 Update: I planned to leave the relationship alone per some of your advice, but he contacted me asking to meet up and it turns out that he found out that I had been texting and talking to one of his friends (matched on tinder). We were not exclusive, I was free to explore other options, and I was unaware that they were friends. The friend and I were talking often, but only with friendly conversation and never met up. Regardless, he was pretty hurt and embarrassed by that and didn't know how to confront me especially since we weren't exclusive....I feel awful that he was upset but it brought out some feelings that each of us hadn't yet shared. We talked about everything and despite some obstacles we have actually decided to date each other exclusively. Go figure.
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 This is why he doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want the responsibility of that. This is what you signed up for.
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 20, 2017 Author Posted January 20, 2017 He doesn't want the responsibility of what?
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 He doesn't want the responsibility of what? You know, checking in, and communicating often, and sharing feelings, and commitment. Thinking about another's feelings, working in cooperation. When someone tells you they don't want a relationship, believe them. It's usually for a reason. 1
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 20, 2017 Author Posted January 20, 2017 Well I have updated: despite some obstacles we have actually decided to date each other exclusively. Go figure. But also we do communicate and see each other often, do talk about our feelings, check in with each other, etc, except for the two weeks at the beginning of this month. There's an even amount of effort and communication between us....actually I would even go as far as to say he reaches out to me more often than I do to him emotionally.
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 20, 2017 Author Posted January 20, 2017 We started dating in late August, so it wasn't just around holiday time. We were basically attached at the hip pretty quickly after we started dating each other. It wasn't for just a short time.
Author Tootyfrutie6 Posted January 20, 2017 Author Posted January 20, 2017 So wait. He wasn't ready for a committed relationship and now .. all of a sudden .. he is? It doesn't work that way. Be careful. It has been almost 2 months since we had our last conversation about exclusivity. A few things have changed in that time. He got a really great job and that's the biggest one. If he's lying about something or deceiving me then I will accept the heartbreak when and if it comes, but I don't believe he is.
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