why do i miss her so much?

[Hoosfoos]

Adages for Arsenal:

 

Be glad you got your stuff. Be glad you found this site so soon. Be glad she isn't pregnant (with your child). Or that you're raising two adolescent girls whom she's birthed and helped raise. Be glad. Be relieved.

 

And keep No Contact. Silence Is Golden.

 

Would you really consider going to an asylum for conjugal visits to see your ex? Because the only difference is that she hasn't been caught yet. Possibly because her friends and family are covering for her, which likely means they're screwed up as well, or scared of her. Birds Of A Feather.

 

Gacy was a childrens' clown-for-hire. Dahmer was beloved by his pastor. Cheney, and now Trump made it to the White House. They walk among us. And they target good people, like yourself.

 

She will be all you ever think about, for a very long time. That's the end result of the 'crazy-making' behavior. You'll eventually get over it. I guarantee you she's not thinking of you (publicly) unless it's to vilify you... some more. The damage is done.

 

Things will NEVER get better for you and this woman.

 

I've been there.

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you, Hoosfoos. You definitely provided me with some perspective. I should be glad that I got out clean, I guess. As much as I want to see her, I know nothing good can come of it. I just pray that she stays away, because I'm too weak to turn her away. I thank all of you for your words. They really have made me feel better today. I am so embarrassed for letting her affect me like this for so long. I'm ashamed for loving someone who doesn't deserve it.

[Been]

You dated a narcissist. And they are among the WORST. Bunch of info on YouTube about them. It will explain why your having a hard time moving past this.

[Been]

Don't be ashamed. It happens. They are good at what they do. And they don't care. She's more then likely been doing this for YEARS.

But in the future if someone is still texting an ex it's grounds for ending it right there. Don't care what the reason is.

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you, Been. You're right, she HAS been doing this for years. She told me that she had dated other guys while her and the ex were apart. She even said that she had done things she wasn't proud of. I know that she was unfaithful in that relationship herself, and that even if everything she said about the way Keith treated her is true, she had a big role in that. She lied from the beginning. There is no way she had been broken up for over a year, yet all her belongings were still at their house. She was only at her Dad's until they sorted it all out, I guess. I ignored the signs, bottom line. I got put together smooth. People can't hide who they really are for too long, and by the time she revealed her true self, I was hooked.

[Redhead14]

I just wish she would have been honest as to why she did this, as opposed to making it seem it was my fault somehow. Maybe she couldn't keep up the facade anymore. Is it lack of closure that has me this way? She really convinced me that she loved me. But her actions said the contrary, I guess. The pain is indescribable. Yet, I want her back. How could she have loved me and lied that way? Why go back to your ex after the way he treated you. Maybe she feels like nothing without him. She said she went back in the past because of the house, his benefits, and felt she was stuck. I don't know. The point is she's done this before. I was another passing amusement even though she said that wasn't the case.

 

Why go back to your ex after the way he treated you. -- My friend, this is the question you should be asking YOURSELF!!!!!!

 

I was another passing amusement even though she said that wasn't the case -- Said all the other guys she's used and abused . . .

 

How could she have loved me and lied that way? -- She didn't love you so it was easy to lie.

 

This is who she is . . . she's not a good person.

 

She really convinced me that she loved me. But her actions said the contrary -- Talk is cheap and she is cheap.

 

Stop focusing on her words.

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you, Red. I just gave my heart to the wrong woman. Now I can't get her out of my head. I did so much for her. I made it a point to make her smile every day, and I thought she appreciated that. I'm finding it difficult to accept the fact that love does'nt have to be reciprocated in order to be true, because despite all her BS, I really did love her. I still do.

[divegrl]

Sorrow is an injury. Be gentle with yourself.

 

Hugs

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you, divegrl.

[Been]

These people are a special breed. You don't know what it's like till you experience it.

At first they say and do everything to make you feel great about yourself. And remember EVERYTHING they are doing is by design.

So here you are feeling on top of the world. And then they start.

Little things at first. And you become baffled. You can't figure out what went wrong so you start to excuse/ignore red flags-you just want it the way it was when you first started dating.

And the whole time your running around trying to figure out what went wrong they have been secretly seeing another person or lining up another person on the side-The WHOLE TIME and worse EVERYTHING they ever told you or did for you turns out to be a lie. Normally thier something that was at least true in a relationship but here NOTHING was true. And that's what gives people a hard time when they try to move forward.

[arsenalfan77]

Downtown, you were right! Last Saturday I ran into Carolina's friend. She asked how I was doing and asked if I had been dating. I told her I had indeed been dating and that I was doing well. The very next day I get a call from my ex. Mind you, I've been blocked for the last 4 months.

 

When I answered, she said " oh, so you've been dating, huh?" I was shocked. she said she didn't care that I was dating, but that she wanted to point out that she hadn't been seeing anyone since she left. She then proceeded to tell me that it was my fault that she left because I didn't trust her and blah blah blah. She sounded high as all hell. she also said she had been clean for 30 days from pills, which she used to claim not being addicted to. we spoke for 4 hours! after her initial attack, we just laughed and talked like we always did.

 

she said that she had never been with her ex, and sure as hell didn't go to him when she left me, which is a lie because I drove by and saw her over there. the more we talked, the more I realized how many problems this woman has, and I felt thankful that it was over. I told her I would like to see her again and possibly remain friends, to which she replied that she wasn't sure if we could do that. my question is why call me then? I haven't heard from her since, But i'd be lying if I said I didn't want to.

 

my point to all of this is that during our conversation, I really noticed all of the BPD signs you were mentioning. They really became clear. She talked about her fear of abandonment, and mentioned hating certain friends that she previously claimed to love. I was blown away? but why call me and then not call anymore? did she just want to vent? was she really upset that I was dating? Or did she just want to see where she stood with me? I have been so confused since that call. I wonder if she even plans to call again. I should just block her.

[arsenalfan77]

Downtown, you were right! Last Saturday I ran into Carolina's friend. She asked how I was doing and asked if I had been dating. I told her I had indeed been dating and that I was doing well. The very next day I get a call from my ex. Mind you, I've been blocked for the last 4 months.

 

When I answered, she said " oh, so you've been dating, huh?" I was shocked. she said she didn't care that I was dating, but that she wanted to point out that she hadn't been seeing anyone since she left. She then proceeded to tell me that it was my fault that she left because I didn't trust her and blah blah blah. She sounded high as all hell. she also said she had been clean for 30 days from pills, which she used to claim not being addicted to. we spoke for 4 hours! after her initial attack, we just laughed and talked like we always did.

 

she said that she had never been with her ex, and sure as hell didn't go to him when she left me, which is a lie because I drove by and saw her over there. the more we talked, the more I realized how many problems this woman has, and I felt thankful that it was over. I told her I would like to see her again and possibly remain friends, to which she replied that she wasn't sure if we could do that. my question is why call me then? I haven't heard from her since, But i'd be lying if I said I didn't want to.

 

my point to all of this is that during our conversation, I really noticed all of the BPD signs you were mentioning. They really became clear. She talked about her fear of abandonment, and mentioned hating certain friends that she previously claimed to love. I was blown away? but why call me and then not call anymore? did she just want to vent? was she really upset that I was dating? Or did she just want to see where she stood with me? I have been so confused since that call. I wonder if she even plans to call again. I should just block her.

[Downtown]

But why call me and then not call anymore? did she just want to vent? was she really upset that I was dating?

Arsenal, thanks for giving us an update. The push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior you describe is a hallmark of a BPDer relationship. Due to this repeating push/pull cycle, it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times. Indeed, BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups.

 

A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

A BPDer has a strong need to pull you -- or some other guy -- back into the toxic relationship. Because a BPDer has a very fragile sense of who she is, she sorely needs someone around to provide the missing self identity. She also needs "somebody" in the room because, lacking a strong self identity, a BPDer doesn't even have "herself" in the room to keep her company. These two reasons largely explain why BPDers HATE to be alone.

 

This doesn't imply, however, that she will treat you well to make sure you stay close to her. On the contrary, she will periodically abuse you if you choose to stay with her. Sometimes she will be saying "I hate you" and other times "Don't leave me." This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

 

The result of this push-pull cycle is that you will frequently trigger a BPDer's anger and fear NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. This predicament arises from the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you necessarily are moving closer to the other fear. So, of course, you will start triggering that fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

[Pumpingiron34]

Wow my ex gf has all 18 of those bpd traits dead on and i can think of a situation for each. I always thought she was but, ignored the red flags as just being her personality. Plus after spending 5 years with her i was not sure who was crazy any more me or her. Then when the rls ended it became very clear. It was like she stole my personality mimicked me than moved on in a couple of weeks and has a whole new personality. **** is wild stay away far away.

[Sweetfish]

Wow my ex gf has all 18 of those bpd traits dead on and i can think of a situation for each. I always thought she was but, ignored the red flags as just being her personality. Plus after spending 5 years with her i was not sure who was crazy any more me or her. Then when the rls ended it became very clear. It was like she stole my personality mimicked me than moved on in a couple of weeks and has a whole new personality. **** is wild stay away far away.

 

 

This is a classic case of mirroring and can be a blend of BPD avoid-ant or histrionic traits. You may have been suffering from abuse you may not have know you were receiving such as gas-lighting . " No, he is just a friend " "Oh your just being jealous" or you start to question how genuine the person your with is because mirroring can only be maintained for sooo long.

 

So you started to believe or trigger your own insecurities. They start manifesting and internet sites and forums reinforce your manifestation and confirm your being "beta" or what ever term ppl are using and you start to flip and flop between her risky behavior and your self-esteem.

[arsenalfan77]

Hello, Downtown. Thank you once again for shedding some light. I ended up seeing my ex on March 1st. She came over and we talked all night. She said one of the reasons she left was because she was struggling with her addiction to pills and that i deserved better. She still denied ever going back to her ex. We had a great night. It felt good to see her again.

 

In the week that followed, she texted me every day and went back to being really sweet, telling me she loved me and that we would be friends and lovers forever. The strange thing was that she would only contact me through facebook. She never texted me through her phone or called me, and I was still blocked from calling her.

 

Anyway, about 10 days in, she suddenly disappeared again. I didn't call or text her. Here I was again, hurt and confused. She called a week later and once again said it was my fault. We ended up meeting that night and making love. She then told me she was leaving the country to visit family the next day. I found that odd, being that i knew her ex's birthday was the next day. Sure enough, I saw a pic of her and him 2 days later on social media.

 

This woman lies so much. How could she sleep with me and leave with him the next day? She said she would be gone for 2 weeks and be back April 4th. I've noticed she hasn't logged on to fb the whole time, probably for fear that I would contact her and he would see it.

 

My heart no longer hurts. What drives me crazy is that I can't seem to get her off my mind. I keep vacillating on whether to call him and let him know everything! Why not teach her a lesson. I want to tell her off as well for playing with my feelings this way. What should I do? Should I just let it all go? Please help.

[Downtown]

I ended up seeing my ex on March 1st.... about 10 days in, she suddenly disappeared again. I didn't call or text her. Here I was again, hurt and confused.

Bad decision. Remain NC until you are fully healed, i.e., no longer pine for her.

 

She called a week later and once again said it was my fault. We ended up meeting that night and making love.

Another bad decision. By breaking NC, you are ripping the band aid off your healing process.

 

How could she sleep with me and leave with him the next day?

You already know how. Indeed, you could write a book. We've been discussing the "how" over the past ten weeks. Back in January you described her as being unstable. So why are you surprised that an unstable woman is exhibiting unstable behavior?

 

What should I do? Should I just let it all go? Please help.

Intellectually, you've known what you should do for at least ten weeks. At an emotional level, however, you are having trouble believing it. This is to be expected. It is common for the intuitive emotional part of our minds to lag many months behind the logical rational part of our minds.

 

Gaining an intellectual understanding of her abusive behavior is the easy part. What is hard is convincing the intuitive, emotional part of your mind that your newfound knowledge is true. It therefore takes many months to convert that intellectual knowledge into a gut-level feeling that it is correct. Converting knowledge into wisdom takes time.

 

So stop beating up on yourself and feeling like a failure. You are making real progress. As I noted earlier, it is very painful and difficult to walk away from a BPDer R/S. This is why the BPDfamily poll revealed that the vast majority of such relationships had 3 or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. Indeed, 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least 6 breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending.

[arsenalfan77]

You're right, Downtown. Intellectually, I've known what the deal is for a long time, but emotionally, I'm having a hard time accepting the truth. I know nothing good can come from even being friends with her, because I am unable to detach emotionally.

 

This will be my life for as long as she remains in it. I need to cut her loose completely and move on. I can honestly say that I'm no longer heartbroken, it's more frustration and embarrassment at this point. I'm ashamed tgat I let someone of her caliber affect me so much for so long.

 

Her life will always be nothing but lies, deceit, chaos, addiction, and she will never be happy. Not that I wish that for her, but I don't see her ever changing. She is mentally and emotionally unstable, and by her own admission. I can't have that. I need a woman who's a good example to my daughters.

 

Downtown, I truly appreciate you for your guidance and support. I can never thank you enough. I always read your responses to reinforce what I need to do. Thank you.