why do i miss her so much?

[arsenalfan77]

in may of last year i was introduced to my ex. we hit it off instantly via text. our first date was incredible. the chemistry was amazing. we laughed and talked all night, and shared long intimate kisses. she even told me she loved me, which i didn't think was too weird because we had been drinking, so i fugured shw was caught up in the moment.

 

i was smitten by her. she was extremely beautiful and we shared the same sense of humor. in the days that followed she told me about her prior relationship that lasted 8 years. she said it was very toxic. that her ex (keith) always accused her of cheating, and called her bipolar and a pill popper. she said he constantly went through her phone. she claimed to have moved out of their house which they owned together over a year ago. what concerned me was that she said he still harrassed her all the time through calls and texts.

 

when i asked why she didn't just block him, she said she couldn't because the phone was under his plan which he paid for, and that all her clients had that number (hair dresser). i suggested getting her own phone and transferring her contacts, which she did, but a month later she still had his phone. one day she got a text from him on the old line that read "i miss you" i saw this because the phone was on the counter. i saked her to call him and make it clear that she was in a relationship, and to tell him to stop. she refused, claiming that they had to sell their house in september, and that if she argued, he would make thhings hard on her. i didn't buy it

 

the following two months were great with a few minor concerns. for one, she still had the old phone, which she never brought with her when she was with me, saying that her son used it. secondly, she never wanted to introduce me to friends or family. when i asked why, she said it was too soon. i didn't get this, because she would always tell me how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and that i was her soul mate. she said i treated her better than anyone ever had, which i did.

 

i truly loved her. making her smile was all i ever wanted to do. we had so much fun together. and the sex was out of this world!!! i thought i had really found my partner in life, so i didn't understand why she wouldn't make me part of her life, or make us official on facebook. suddenly, i started to notice she got distant. one day, without warning, she claimed she needed space. my spidy senses were going off, so i drove by keith's house at 4:00 a.m. and i saw her car there. i was devestated. when i confronted her about iit the next day, she said she was there to talk about the sale of the house. yeah, she really said that!

 

over the next week, we argued over texts, in which she accused me of being paranoid. i stupidly got back with her, but i never trusted her. again she claimed that she couldn't live without me, and would never go back to keith because of how he treated her. i started to notice that she indeed took pills a lot, mostly zanax which she said she used only on occasion for anxiety, but i didn't believe her.

 

one night while at a bar, we discussed the night she went to keith's. i got upset and told her not to insult my intelligence. i went to the bathroom and came back to find her gone. she left me there. she called a friend to pick her up down the street. i didn't even realize she had left until the waitress told me. the worst part is we were supposed to head downt to palm springs for three days the next morning. her bags were in my car. i had already paid and it was too late to cancel. she didn't answer a single one of my 50 phone calls that night. when i finally talked to her the next day (via text) she said she didn't feel like arguing, so she left. what? who does that. she said it was my fault.

 

1 week later, again we started seeing eachother. ultimately, she suddenly split again, stating that she didn't feel like she had to keep reassuring me of our status. this happened because again she started to go cold. not responding, not calling me "babe" anymore, and just not acting the same, so when i asked if we were ok, she got mad. i accused her of either being back with keith or someone else, because a few days prior, i went through her phone (with her permission) and i saw a text from a random guy asking her to confirm dinner plans. she responded with hearts and calling him "baby". when i asked who it was, she said it was a gay friend of hers. later, she text me and said i had no right to question her.

 

the crazy thing is that every time she left and was a bitch to me, it was by text. she could never talk to me. it was like i didn't even recognize that person. i tried very hard to make things better, even apologizing for my behavior. eventually she blocked me from everything. i drove by keith's house again and again i saw her there. i couldn't believe it. after she told me she had no reason to ever see him again.

 

my question is why do i still miss her so much? i can't stop thinking about her. my heart hurts so bad. how can someone say all those nice things to you and then throw you away like garbage? did she ever really love me? the last time i attempted contact, i called from a blocked number and left her a message sayng how much i loved her and that i would be here whenever she was ready. her friend called me shortly after and said that my ex was getting ready to file a restraining order. for what? leaving a voicemail?

 

all i've been doing ever since is driving myself insane as to why she did this? did she go back to keith? was it someone else. i know i saw her at keith's again, but it wouldn't surprise me if someone else was in the picture as well. this last time around, i expressed concern that we were unofficial, because i was scared that she would date someone else being that we didn't have a label. she said she would never do that. that i was the onlly one she was interested in seeing, yet when i asked told her i was suspicious that she was seeing someone the week after we had that conversation, she said " isn't it my business if i am seiing someone"? i was shocked.

 

the truth is i saw red flags from the beginning, but i fell in love. and now i can't get her out of my head. i stare at my phone for hours trying to decide if i should call or not, like maybe she's just waiting for me to reach out first. i'm scared i'll never have the same chemistry with someone else. i still cry all the time.

 

did i love her or was i just in lust? most of the time we just hung out at my house and drank and made love all night. we occasionally went out to nice places. the only time we ever argued in person was one night when she got drunk and said that she knew i waas gonna cheat some day, and proceeded to insult me for hours.she was going nuts for no reason. i just sat there and tried to comfort her. the next day she apologized and i just let it go. i don't know why i love her so much? i envisioned a future with her. we always talked about our future together.

 

should i still try to contact her just in case she's afraid to make the first move? or am i deluding myself? i've never felt this way in my life. it has completely taken over me. i just wanted her to tell me the truth, but how can i expect that from a pathological liar? she really sold me. she told me her psychic had told her about me before we even met, and that she knew we were meant for eachother. i replay the entire relationship in my head every day. my mind is on a constant loop. i'm starting to consider seeking professional help. i did so much for this woman, and genuinely cared more about her hapinness than my own.

 

how could she move on just like that? it doesn't seem fair that i'm in this state of misery and she's doing her thing without repercussion. i wonder if she misses me or even thinks of me. i made her laugh every day. i wish we could be friends again. even if we had to keep it a secret. i just want to hold her again. why is this so hard? what should i do?

[Redhead14]

[]

 

my question is why do i still miss her so much? -- the same reason some prison convicts commit crimes after they are released -- it was easier in prison than being on the outside. The "discomfort" of being in prison outweighed being free because of the unknown. Prison was at least predictable. They were used to it.

 

What should I do? -- Go no contact and keep moving forward. Find a woman who treats you with respect, doesn't lie, take drugs or cheat on you. Give yourself some time to forget about the "prison" you were in. Enjoy being free for a while.

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted long quote of immediately preceding post ~6

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you for your advice. It's just amazing that the only thing that can make you feel better is the same thing that caused you so much pain. I appreciate your words.

[Redhead14]

Thank you for your advice. It's just amazing that the only thing that can make you feel better is the same thing that caused you so much pain. I appreciate your words.

 

only thing that can make you feel better is the same thing that caused you so much pain. -- That is the same thought process as this one:

 

I keep hitting myself with a hammer because it feels so good when I stop

[arsenalfan77]

I just wish she would have been honest as to why she did this, as opposed to making it seem it was my fault somehow. Maybe she couldn't keep up the facade anymore. Is it lack of closure that has me this way? She really convinced me that she loved me. But her actions said the contrary, I guess. The pain is indescribable. Yet, I want her back. How could she have loved me and lied that way? Why go back to your ex after the way he treated you. Maybe she feels like nothing without him. She said she went back in the past because of the house, his benefits, and felt she was stuck. I don't know. The point is she's done this before. I was another passing amusement even though she said that wasn't the case.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you for your advice. It's just amazing that the only thing that can make you feel better is the same thing that caused you so much pain. I appreciate your words.

 

Is this your first love? I understand how you feel and you simply tried to fix a ship that was sinking. When ships take on water, its best to take your belongs and feelings you had about the ship and choose the life raft.

 

When she said she Loved you that first night, you were a sub in for the EX. It was a red flag. The lesson you should learn is to stay clear of the girls/guys who are the victim. Most likely she is not and hearing her side of the story is an indicator of just HER side as I bet the story she will cast on you will make her the victim.

 

This is my rule. You can make it your rule or not. The minute a girl your dating starts with shady phone/email activity the relationship is done right there. I expect the same treatment... if i were to start communicating with my ex I expect her to pull the plug.

 

If they are dealing with the house it was your fault to get deep into the relationship. You lost any rational reasoning and thought you could fill in the shoes of an 8 year relationship.

 

She was using you. Thats why you were not part of your life. Almost sounds like she was living with you.

 

After her continous bad behavior you reward her with a trip? After she disrespected you, pushed you away, and gaslighted you at the end, the dog pissed on the couch and you gave him a bone?

 

You continued to chase her and call her 50 times.

 

All this concludes one thing... getting dumped was the best thing that happened to you.

 

Because your not strong as an individual. You don't value your self worth enough to let her walk. You are willing to get into a life long contract with someone who is a liar, unstable, and uses you.

 

This is what you miss? Seriously do you see the next 10 years rasing her son, working your arse off and being treated like a second class Boyfriend.

 

Take the next month or two and go thru the stages of grief because its natural... but after that start working on you.

Edited January 13, 2017 by Sweetfish

[arsenalfan77]

First, thank you for the response. No, not my first love. My first relationship since my divorce 3 years ago. I had been dating a bit, and wasn't even looking for something serious. The chemistry was just unlike anything I had ever experienced. We laughed so much. It was like we were the same person, with the same thought process. Funny you should mention raising her kids. Her 19 year old is a pill popper himself with no direction, who's father left before he was born. Her 15 yr old, who only sees her on the weekends isn't much better. This woman is damaged goods in every sense of the word. I just can't believe I was so blind in the beginning. By the time her true nature came to light, it was too late. I was so in love. And now I can't shke the thought of her. I'm mad at myself for never telling her how I really felt for fear that she would leave, and in the end she blocked me before I had a chance to express myself. I kept going back because deep down I wanted to believe her. I didn't want to treat her the way her ex had. Not to brag or sound cocky, but I've always been pretty good with women. I don't fear being alone, I fear not finding the same passion and chemistry.

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you for giving it to me straight, by the way. I really appreciate that.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you for giving it to me straight, by the way. I really appreciate that.

 

I love this saying... it kinda goes like this..

 

"In chess, its an illusion that the Queen is the most powerful player on the chess board. The queen has the power to move all directions on the board. However, the most powerful player is the King. He doesn't have the power to move all directions, but the Game can still be won without the queen. Its when you lose the King when its checkmate."

 

So just protect your self at all cost and in the end you will win the game.

[Downtown]

Arsenal, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, cold withdrawal, lack of impulse control, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- sound like warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, Narcissistic PD. Moreover, her mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (causing you to feel like you had met your soul mate) is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship.

 

i can't stop thinking about her.... All i've been doing ever since is driving myself insane as to why she did this.

If you really have fallen in love with a BPDer, "insane" is exactly how you should be feeling. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

What should i do?

I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Arsenal.

[arsenalfan77]

downtown, thank you so much. you just opened my eyes to something I never considered. i read the link you posted, and it was scary. she called me insecure, said i was a manipulator because i would call her out on her lies and remind her of the things she said and did that didn't add up. what kills me is that she would never do this to my face or over the phone, always through text, and out of nowhere. she would turn civil discussions where i expressed concern for her behavior into huge deals days later, as if we never talked it out the week before. we would get done making love when she would suddenly say that she didn't trust me, and that she knew i would eventually cheat one day. her favorite go to was "if i wanted to be with someone who treated me like this, i would just go back to keith" but i didn't treat her like that at all. she treated me like i was absolutely stupid for being upset at the fact that she was at his house at 4 a.m. and said that she wouldn't question me if i was at my ex wife's house that late. what? but here I am, pining over this scorpion woman.

[Frozensushi]

By the time her true nature came to light, it was too late. I was so in love.

 

I don't fear being alone, I fear not finding the same passion and chemistry.

 

Welcome to Love Shack!

 

Please take what Downtown has told you to heart. Reading your posts reminds me of my BPD ex. The things you've said reflect heavily on how my relationship was. These BPD relationships are like no other. The "mirroring" is like a trap. The awesome sex is the bait. Once you're in and they have you their true nature is revealed. Like you said, it's too late.

 

From that point on it's truly a nightmare. The hot and cold behavior. They love you one minute and hate you the next. Always walking on eggshells, blaming yourself for anything that goes wrong in the relationship. Hurtful passive aggressive remarks etc.

 

Dude, been there and it really screwed my life up royally. Downtown and the other victims of BPDers on this forum really saved my butt. I'm not saying your SO had BPD, but if after some research the shoe fits, all I can say is run. It will NEVER get better, no matter how many times she "comes around", apologizes, says the right thing etc. It will never get back to the "mirroring" phase that was so awesome in the beginning.

 

My Ex was "perfect" and we had the most amazing chemistry as well. Don't be fooled. It's all a facade. Trust me, it's not worth it in the end.

[arsenalfan77]

also, she was a BAD liar at that. when we spoke about her being at his house, i asked if he came on to her, she said no. that it was all business about the house. days later she said he texted her saying that it's her loss if she doesn't return, and that she would be doing hair until she was 90 without him, yet he didn't try anything when she was at his house at 4 a.m? one time she mentioned that she received a text from a girl that he was seeing. the text was a bunch of insults. when i asked why his current girl would bother texting her, she said it was probably because he was taliking **** about her. that didn't make sense. the only reason anyone's gf texts another girl is if she has reason to believe she is still in the picture somehow. when i expressed my feelings, she got upset. she couldn't see where i was coming from.

[Downtown]

I fear not finding the same passion and chemistry.

Arsenal, you likely will find another woman with whom you will share intense passion and chemistry. What you won't find -- if you avoid BPDers -- is a woman who sets off fireworks while coming out of the gate and exhibits all that passion within the first two weeks. To obtain that instant excitement and adoration, you would have to date another emotionally unstable woman. There is a good reason, you know, why her exBF labelled her "bipolar." His mistake, I suspect, is confusing bipolar for BPD.

 

she was a BAD liar at that.

Frequent lying is a narcissistic trait, which is why I mentioned that she also seems to be exhibiting Narcissistic PD warning signs. Although BPDers will lie when painted in a corner and finding no other way to avoid humiliation, they don't like to lie because they already carry an enormous burden of shame and guilt. Hence, they don't want to add to it. Instead, a BPDer will rely heavily on projection to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality.

 

Arsenal, if you feel comfortable discussing it, please tell us which of the 18 warning signs are very strong and which don't seem to apply at all.

Edited January 13, 2017 by Downtown

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you, Frozensushi. This really has me torn up. What drives me nuts is that she completely blocked me. How can someone who made all those claims throw you away like trash?

[arsenalfan77]

The ones that apply very strongly are 3,5,7,10,11,13,16 and 17. VERY STRONGLY!

 

she only had one friend that she hung out with, the one who introduced us. She was a big problem in all of this as well. Both have had ****ty relationships, and would commiserate together all the time. Carolina (my ex) would constantly talk bad about her friend, yet hung out with her and only her. They would leave their teenage sons at home while they would go out and party all night, all the while the kids would invite other friends over to get high and drunk while they were gone.

[arsenalfan77]

I was never with them while they would do this, by the way. Another thing that bothered me was that she was ok with the idea of her son and my daughter dating. I told her that would never happen for obvious reasons, but she would always make it seem like it could happen in the future. She didn't find it awkward. We just come from diffferent backgrounds, different values. Knowing all of this, I still miss this woman. I've gone on dates since, but they only serve to make me miss her more.

[Downtown]

How can someone who made all those claims throw you away like trash?

Arsenal, if she has strong narcissistic or sociopathic traits, she is able to forget you in an instant because she never really loved you to begin with. Yet, if she is a BPDer, she likely did feel some love for you (albeit the immature love that young children are able to feel).

 

Although a BPDer is able to love intensely, she is able to split that feeling off, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This splitting can occur in ten seconds and be triggered by some minor thing you say or do. It occurs because a BPDer is so emotionally immature that -- like a young child -- she is unable to tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) simultaneously.

 

You will see this same behavior in a very young child who loves Daddy when he brings out the toys but who will instantly flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Because BPDers are like this, they typically will categorize everyone close to them as "all good" (white) or "all bad" (black) so as to avoid dealing with ambiguities, uncertainties, conflicting feelings, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

Moreover, a week or a month later, a BPDer may recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in less than a minute -- based solely on a minor remark or action (real or imagined). This is called "black-white thinking."

[arsenalfan77]

Thank you once again for your advice. It means a lot to me.

 

one more side note: I'm really upset at the fact that she has been able to just walk away like this and resume her life with the ex or a new fling as if I never mattered. The thought of her being happy and carrying on while I sit in misery doesn't seem fair. She is experiencing ZERO repercussions. I so badly want to send her ex the nude pictures I have of her, along with all her loving texts of how much she loved me. Even the texts where she says she's masturbating to me.

 

Why should she not have any consequences?

[Sweetfish]

Thank you once again for your advice. It means a lot to me.

 

one more side note: I'm really upset at the fact that she has been able to just walk away like this and resume her life with the ex or a new fling as if I never mattered. The thought of her being happy and carrying on while I sit in misery doesn't seem fair. She is experiencing ZERO repercussions. I so badly want to send her ex the nude pictures I have of her, along with all her loving texts of how much she loved me. Even the texts where she says she's masturbating to me.

 

Why should she not have any consequences?

 

If she does have BPD. She will love you, but associate you with pain so your presence or idea will be locked away in a dark place. You maybe dealing with someone with the emotional intelligence of an 8 year old, but with high functioning capability of typical grown adult.

[arsenalfan77]

I think you're right, sweetfish. She would always say "I'm not a little girl"! Intellectually, yes, she was 39, but emotionally, She was a teen.

[Downtown]

The ones that apply very strongly are 3,5,7,10,11,13,16 and 17. VERY STRONGLY!

Arsenal, you identify 8 of the 18 as very strong.

 

Signs 1 and 2. As I discussed in my last post above, you almost certainly are also seeing warning signs #1 and #2 too if your exGF is a BPDer. I say this because the black-white thinking explains her ability to suddenly stop feeling any love for you -- which occurred about three times when she froze you out. With BPDers, the love doesn't disappear or vanish. Rather, the subconscious protects the fragile ego by placing those love feelings out of reach of the conscious mind.

 

Another example of this B-W thinking is her "Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you" -- i.e., warning sign #5 which you identify as being very strong. Hence, if B-W thinking occurs frequently as I suspect, the number of signs increases from 8 to 10.

 

Sign 9. If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent traits), she would have to exhibit a strong fear of abandonment. This fear seems to be evident, for example, in your statement that "one night when she got drunk and said that she knew i was gonna cheat some day, and proceeded to insult me for hours... she was going nuts for no reason." If you agree, this raises the number of red flags to eleven. On the other hand, if you conclude that she really does not have a great fear of abandonment, she almost certainly is not a BPDer. The abandonment fear is an essential trait for BPD.

 

Sign 12. I'm surprised you did not recognize this sign as being strong. This sign is "Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well." Remember, you say that she told you her 8-year relationship with Keith "was very toxic" and she said Keith "still harassed her all the time through calls and texts."

 

That is how she bad-mouthed Keith, the man she is now sleeping with. Do you really that she is saying anything good about you now? Most likely, she is telling Keith how awful and abusive you were. Indeed, she has already told a mutual friend that she "was getting ready to file a restraining order" against you because you had left a voice mail on her phone. Hence, you are describing a woman who has described BOTH of her BFs of the past 8 years as being abusive. I therefore suspect that sign #12 applies strongly.

 

Sign 18. I suggest you also reconsider sign 18: "Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence." After all, this is the woman who told your friend that she was going to file a R/O against you when her only evidence of your harassment was a single voicemail. This is the woman who expected you to believe that her secret dinner date was with a "gay man," never mind the hearts he attached to his message. And this is the woman who accused you of being "paranoid" for refusing to believe she was discussing a house sale at 4:00 a.m. in Keith's house.

[Downtown]

Intellectually, yes, she was 39, but emotionally, She was a teen.

If she really is a BPDer, her emotional development likely is at the level of a four-year old, not a teen. This is why a BPDer must rely heavily on the primitive ego defenses available to a young child.

[Frozensushi]

Thank you, Frozensushi. This really has me torn up. What drives me nuts is that she completely blocked me. How can someone who made all those claims throw you away like trash?

 

Although a BPDer is able to love intensely, she is able to split that feeling off, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This splitting can occur in ten seconds and be triggered by some minor thing you say or do.

 

It's hard to fathom it, but it happens with those who suffer from BPD. There have been a few open and honest members with BPD on this forum who've explained how this "Black/White" thinking works in their mind.

 

Say you said something to her, a remark that by all good measure was innocent and nothing a normal well-adjusted human being would consider to be hurtful in anyway shape or form. Someone with BPD can easily "distort the truth" of that statement and begin focusing on it intensely to the point that it manifests into something so horrible, so profoundly degrading to her she paints you black. Now, unbeknownst to you, she has now, within a short amount of time gone from idolizing you to devaluing you. Chaos ensues and you are left going "What the heck just happened?!?!?".

 

My Ex broke up with me over something that had happened over 3 weeks prior. When she brought it up I didn't even know she had been upset over it because when it happened, and the days/weeks following, she was treating me with love and never acted like something was wrong.

 

I became adept at noticing when the Black/White splitting occurred with my Ex. Her entire demeanor would change. She would act so cold and distant out of the blue. One minute we are joking around, then when I leave the room and come back a totally different person is standing before me. It was a major mind screw as I had no idea what was happening.

 

 

I bumped into my Ex's Ex not too long ago. It was like he knew everything about my relationship. He told me that one of our Ex's close friends came up to him when they first started dating. He told him, "I heard you are dating ****. You're not right for her man." He was extremely shocked and caught off guard, but before he could reply the guy said "No one is" then walked away.

 

When he told me that, it made perfect sense, because, in reality, nobody is capable of sustaining a healthy relationship with a BPDer. It's impossible.

[arsenalfan77]

the reason I didn't list #12 is because she did say that she had been treated well by others in the past. Her gripe was really against keith. When I asked what happened to the good ones (her ex husband) she said she became really depressed at one point, and he couldn't handle it, so they divorced. She lives with her dad, who is very old, her 19 yr old son, who has no direction, and a cousin fresh out of rehab, who she used to "party" with back in the day. Her father's house happens to be only blocks away from keith's, coincidentally. It's been 3 months since I last saw her, and it still hurts the same. I have to drive by her house everyday on my way to work, which does'nt help. I always find myself struggling not to pass by her or keith's house. I never do, but I always get the urge. i've lost my pride, my dignity, and I don't want my sanity to follow.