Do I have a problem? :( Thank you!

[elaine567]

Thank you guys, this helps a lot. Again, I can't know for sure, but he is an awkward geeky guy who lives and breathes his job (plus a friend actually works with him and he said he never leaves the office before 9 pm), he has health issues (both physical and psychological), he never kept them from me but I also feel he sometimes uses them as an excuse not to see me (i.e. his head hurts, he is in a mood, something happens) or he makes everything so uncertain (I will let you know, I need to recover from this and then I'll text you...). Very rarely did we ever meet without him posting a whole range of texts in which he says how crappy he feels and how much he is fighting to see me. Honestly, it was a giant turn off for someone with whom he had started dating a month and a half prior to this. This is why I constantly felt such a strong sense of guilt. I felt like he was literally risking his health to see me, but then I had some expectations as his gf. He would complain about everything and everyone and tell me I was the only one who understood him. Like, really? A month and a half? I didn't understand him at all, and he didn't understand me either because post break-up he accused me of being two-faced and lying to him about being confident (I would never call myself confident). Who would just flat out call themselves super confident? It was like he bought a product but it wasn't what he paid for. I felt really bad. Also he made our break up semi public with a passive aggressive post on one of his social network accounts where he cold me toxic. (not directly but it was clear) And still I feel bad because I "verbally abused" him. I want to get rid of this guilt and shame once and for all.

 

He sounds "crazy" and a total nightmare.

You are well rid.

Move on, don't ever look back and stop beating yourself up. Everyone "loses it" at times and he gave you so much cause, I guess you had a lot of pent up anger that you finally unloaded onto him.

A match made in Hell.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, he's a flat-out, immature, weirdo.

 

It's good this was such a short-lived thing. He sounds utterly intolerable and childish.

[ainoviere]

If he has a multitude of health issues that made him feel crappy and made it almost impossible to meet up, how is he able to work a full time job, let alone live and breathe one?

[spiderowl]

It's not ideal to have an angry outburst by text and to be insulting, but it sounds like he's been playing you along and been manipulative. He was not treating you well and it is understandable that anger built over a period of time as it dawned on you he was messing you around. He was not offering you anything but a long of hanging on waiting. He wanted to be able to pick you up and drop you when he felt like it. In fact, he was to all intents and purposes putting nothing into the 'relationship'.

 

I think you were hanging on to a fantasy not a real relationship. He made lots of excuses. Even if he is suffering from some kind of anxiety problem or something, at the end of the day you have to go by someone's actions and how they affect you, not what they say.

 

I don't think you've done anything terrible and it might feel like a relief to have told him what you think. Just leave the guy alone now and find someone better. You deserve someone who has time for you and values your company.

[spiderowl]

Thank you. I am still doubting whether I was too high maintenace and simply failed to recognise his efforts. One thing I do know, he accused me of making him feel guilty when every time i would hear how much effort he had put in seeing me and how he is pleasantly surprised at how much time he has been able to meet me. I was very confused and kept on feeling guilty because apparently every time when he would have to meet me there were numerous problems.

 

Most people do not work 24 hours a day. The guy was just not getting round to meeting you. He would have made you a priority if he had wanted to. If a guy is struggling to contact you, phone you, text you, meet you, he is not interested. It is very simple, whatever excuses he gives.

[Redhead14]

My bf left me a couple of weeks ago after I sent him some really insulting texts.

But let me start from the top. Before we started dating he had warned me he would be super busy at work for the next few months. I didn't really care cause I liked him so we began our relationship. But I soon realised that not only would we see each other every tenth day on average, but a lot of our appointments would get modified or cancelled last minute. I grew anxious because I had a problem believing something would happened almost every time we had to meet. I started growing anxious and guilty because he would message me every morning and night, send me sweet texts, tell me he is fighting for the two of us (mind you, we had just started dating) and I thought I was a bad girlfriend for not understanding. I called him out on his problematic communication a few times, only to get accused of severe insecurity. I was very confused because he seemed to really like me and want his future with me, but then all these cancellations and modifications made me think he was liking the idea of us, not really us. He mentioned a few psychological issues as well, said he had to take his therapy daily and that made him even less able to communicate well. I kind of got that, but even on good days he was quite unresponsive. I had nothing to hold on to. He didn't call, we would see each other so rarely and usually he would be the one deciding the conditions of that meeting and I was getting frustrated. So when he cut another one of our message conversations short, I told him it is not polite to ignore a message. Then he told me he was having one of his episodes (mind you, our conversation ended the day before his episode, therefore it had nothing to do with that). He also told me I was the only one making him feel f**** guilty and if I wasn't the centre of his world I would stir sh** up. I felt so guilty and bad and didn't know what to do so I kind of withdrew for a bit. And then he texted me again cancelling our plans for New Year's. Mind you, I had received this type of text so many times before from him and I just lost it. He did kind of hint at the reason for why he needed to be somewhere else, but I didn't want to listen to it. I called him an idiot, a coward and a liar, I mentioned all the previous times I felt he wasn't honest with me, told him that now I did in fact want him to feel like sh**. This was all done via texts (as again, he never called). After this he accused me of verbal abuse and said he would never get back together with me. My friends tried to comfort me by saying everyone says nasty things when they are angry, but I feel absolutely awful. Like an abuser. Do I need to work on this? Thank you.

 

I didn't really care cause I liked him so we began our relationship.

-- Now you know you need a man who makes you more of a priority and communicates regularly/consistently sees you, so don't lie to yourself anymore.

 

You were allowing yourself to be strung along. I'm sorry for the harsh truth. He was being "honest with you" by demonstrating through actions that you weren't a priority. I don't care how busy a person is, they will make time for a partner that they really cared about.

 

And then he texted me again cancelling our plans for New Year's. Mind you, I had received this type of text so many times before from him and I just lost it. -- Exactly, you allowed yourself to tolerate his behavior for way too long. You'd communicated with him about how you were feeling before and he made no effort to accommodate or even acknowledge your feelings and you kept allowing his behavior over and over again. When you communicate a need to a partner, you do it and you sit back and observe whether they make the effort to meet that need. If they don't do that or at the very least, attempt to . . . you end it then.

 

Communicating a need is about establishing a boundary. When you don't enforce that boundary, you get walked on and manipulated because they know you aren't serious.

 

Pick yourself up and keep moving forward for yourself and don't accept anything less than you want and need from a relationship as soon as you realize that it isn't working for you. It doesn't matter what 'they are dealing with'. When you unleash all that pent up frustration and anger on a person, you give them all the power. If you leave a relationship before you get to this point, you can do it with dignity and grace and some peace. Now you are beating yourself up for being "ugly" and wondering and he's got a "crazy ex".

[babyboo86]

I didn't really care cause I liked him so we began our relationship.

-- Now you know you need a man who makes you more of a priority and communicates regularly/consistently sees you, so don't lie to yourself anymore.

 

You were allowing yourself to be strung along. I'm sorry for the harsh truth. He was being "honest with you" by demonstrating through actions that you weren't a priority. I don't care how busy a person is, they will make time for a partner that they really cared about.

 

And then he texted me again cancelling our plans for New Year's. Mind you, I had received this type of text so many times before from him and I just lost it. -- Exactly, you allowed yourself to tolerate his behavior for way too long. You'd communicated with him about how you were feeling before and he made no effort to accommodate or even acknowledge your feelings and you kept allowing his behavior over and over again. When you communicate a need to a partner, you do it and you sit back and observe whether they make the effort to meet that need. If they don't do that or at the very least, attempt to . . . you end it then.

 

Communicating a need is about establishing a boundary. When you don't enforce that boundary, you get walked on and manipulated because they know you aren't serious.

 

Pick yourself up and keep moving forward for yourself and don't accept anything less than you want and need from a relationship as soon as you realize that it isn't working for you. It doesn't matter what 'they are dealing with'. When you unleash all that pent up frustration and anger on a person, you give them all the power. If you leave a relationship before you get to this point, you can do it with dignity and grace and some peace. Now you are beating yourself up for being "ugly" and wondering and he's got a "crazy ex".

 

I know, I am now the crazy ex when his behaviour drove me insane. And a smarter girl would have walked away ages ago but I was dumb. Also I come from a small place and I am worried he will talk about me and I will never again manage to find someone here. I was so stupid about this whole thing, I've learned my lesson but what are the consequences?

[ExpatInItaly]

I know, I am now the crazy ex when his behaviour drove me insane. And a smarter girl would have walked away ages ago but I was dumb. Also I come from a small place and I am worried he will talk about me and I will never again manage to find someone here. I was so stupid about this whole thing, I've learned my lesson but what are the consequences?

 

Nothing, other than you dodged a huge bullet.

 

You definitely shouldn't assume you'll never meet someone else, nor that this would have panned out anyway. It wouldn't have.

 

If he talks about you, ignore it. I have a feeling he'll get bored of that fast and move on.

[Redhead14]

I know, I am now the crazy ex when his behaviour drove me insane. And a smarter girl would have walked away ages ago but I was dumb. Also I come from a small place and I am worried he will talk about me and I will never again manage to find someone here. I was so stupid about this whole thing, I've learned my lesson but what are the consequences?

 

The "consequence" is the lesson you've learned. You've gained experience and insight. Forget about what he's saying. As long as you just let this go, do not reach out to him again, etc., he won't be talking about it for long, if at all to everyone.

 

The whole world isn't going to hear about it either. Most people know that there are two sides to every situation too. Whenever I've heard a man talk about a "crazy ex", I always wondered what his role in that situation was.

 

Focus on YOU and your life now and keep moving forward.

[babyboo86]

The "consequence" is the lesson you've learned. You've gained experience and insight. Forget about what he's saying. As long as you just let this go, do not reach out to him again, etc., he won't be talking about it for long, if at all to everyone.

 

The whole world isn't going to hear about it either. Most people know that there are two sides to every situation too. Whenever I've heard a man talk about a "crazy ex", I always wondered what his role in that situation was.

 

Focus on YOU and your life now and keep moving forward.

 

Thank you for your support. That's exactly what I will do.