Just trying Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 Hi All, Happy New Year! This is probably a similar thread/ theme to what has been posted before however i would like opinions on my specific situation. Sorry for the length. I met a girl on OLD at the beginning of December and we hit it off straight away and went on a number of dates before having an overnight stay in a spa just after Christmas. I did think things were proceeding quite fast however I was just mirroring her behaviour/escalation and went with it as I felt we were compatible with similar interests etc. In terms of being physical it didn’t move quite as fast as I liked and we haven’t had sex yet however as things were escalating albeit slowly I wasn’t tooo worried about it. I liked her and it seemed she like me. Ill just give a brief description of us both below before I go into where things are now. Her (24) – she’s had a previous 5 year relationship(broke up due to control issues) and then had a 6 month relationship thereafter where the guy ghosted just after they had a discussion about moving in together. Me (30) – divorced and separated for 1.5 years Ok so after the spa break we both had a week off work due to the holidays and I thought this was a perfect time for us to get closer however I noticed she started to back up and pull away. I asked a couple of times if she wanted to go out (all communication by text) however she either blew me off or just ignored the text and changed the subject, at this point I was being quite needy. Then on New Year’s day she texts me something along the lines of ‘xxx I have to be honest with you, im still hurt, we need to take things slow, im sorry, you are amazing’. I told her it would be best if we meet up to discuss what she meant which she agreed to however it never happened despite reminding her. At this point I was expecting her to either ghost or fade away(this was from reading other similar posts on the site) so decided to pull away from texting as much. I noticed she initiated conversations in the morning but any responses I made back she gave me one word answers or was very brief. A couple of days later I was flirting with her and all of a sudden she stops me by saying ‘you know how I feel we need to take things slow……. Please do not take it in a bad way’, this again made me feel that she was going to ghost however the next day she asked me out on another date which we scheduled for about a week later? I know strange. On the day before the date I struck up a conversation and she said she was really ill (red flag she was going to cancel) and even mentioned she may have to rearrange. The next day she texted me in the morning ‘hey’ which I replied to a couple of hours later fully expecting her to cancel but she didn’t and we got into a conversation of what we could do as she was ill, we decided on going cinema however she mentioned that we needed to talk as she didn’t think I got the message about what she said on new year’s eve. I suggested we go to my flat however she said she didn’t want to so we met up at a wine bar. As soon as we sat down ordered drinks etc she started to tell me that she was still hurt from how the previous guy ghosted on her, she didn’t have any idea it was going to happen and was worried it would happen again. I asked her what that meant for us and she said that we need to take things very slow and just take baby steps?! I asked her if she was into me and she said yes and she wasn’t dating anyone else or anything. I asked her what her mum thought as I knew she was really close to her and she told me her mum basically said for her to snap out of it, I went on to say something along the lines of well I guess I have to gain your trust. I didn’t really ask her specifically what she meant meaning frequency of dates etc. The date wasn’t very long maybe 1.5 hours as by the end she couldn’t talk properly. So this is where I am….. despite there being so many chances for her to end it or ghost she hasn’t but still not very clear on how to move forward. How do you gain trust while trying to take things slow and how do you take things slow/babysteps and keep interest? I like the girl and could see a future with us in a relationship so don’t mind playing on her terms but don’t know how without coming across needy and slamming the door shut. HELP! 1
NinjaX Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 Set dates, have fun, enjoy her company, don't be too serious, no expectations.
Author Just trying Posted January 12, 2017 Author Posted January 12, 2017 Thanks for your reply. Do you think it could be as easy at that?
winny Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 Thanks for your reply. Do you think it could be as easy at that? Yes, if you stop planning the wedding in your head
Author Just trying Posted January 12, 2017 Author Posted January 12, 2017 Hahahahahaha..... very true! More like planning my second divorce before 40
Kamille Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 I agree. This doesn't warrant any change on your part. Her reasons for wanting to take baby steps have nothing to do with you. She's the one who's still hurt. From where I sit, she has to gain your trust as well. And right now... Well, she's messing up a little bit - primarily because she's insecure. Be yourself. Ultimately, you want to end up with someone who likes you as you are, not someone you have to tiptoe around. This could mean she's not the right girl for you.
Author Just trying Posted January 12, 2017 Author Posted January 12, 2017 I agree with yours words. Just not to sure how to play it at the moment. We havent talked today which is the first day thats happened and i guess im going to ask her for another date but not sure if i should tommorow or wait until the weekend. I dont want to seem like i am coming on too strong plus want to give her some space to maybe think things over.
umirano Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) You're on egg shells now. I see doom up ahead if you continue like this. Mainly I guess I have to gain your trust rubs me the wrong way. A base level of trust is already established, after the dates and the time you've spent together and with the type of conversations you're having. By putting yourself into that position you hand her all the power and you're rewarding her fence sitting, which is literally the worst tactic to employ. You cannot make up her mind, she has to. Also, do not use the mother angle. Leave her out of it, no third parties. Is she into you? That's the question, not what her mother thinks of you. Now with the theory out of the way, some practical advice: Take it easy, talk to her daily, a short phone call is preferable over a long text back and forth. Your time is valuable, and so is hers. Suggest casual dates, no high stress, high romance situations. A drink, a coffee, a walk, a swim. No flowers, cards and lovey dovey over the top stuff. Be cool, relaxed, talk about your life, your plans. That shows her you have stuff going for yourself. If she can't make up her mind within a time frame of your choosing, you move on. Simple. Edited January 13, 2017 by umirano emphasis
Epicurus77 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 You either believe her or you don't. You are in 3rd gear while she is in 1st. You either have patience or not. It's your needs. It's your life.
Simple Logic Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 Thanks for your reply. Do you think it could be as easy at that? You need something that doesn't seem so serious. Do you have a good comedy club in your area? Take her there next date and laugh until your faces hurt.
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