NotASkunk Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 I realize that I am not coping. I am not getting better. I feel like I've come to the end of my life but I am still living. Within the last month I have been in two car accidents, I broke my arm by tripping and landing on my wrist while in my backyard , I lost my job, I became lovers with my ex-boyfriend and now back to no contact with my ex-boyfriend. I have reached out to Friends to try to get support and everybody tells me a lot of good stuff but nothing makes me feel OK again. I made a plan to end my life but there is one person on this earth who it would destroy, my cousin is like my sister and I couldn't destroy her by taking my life. It's the only thing that is stopping me from wanting to though. Plus, I am scared to take my life. I would probably botch that up like I've ruined everything else in my life. Deep inside I just want to be my happy self again and I know that I will never be that person again. I feel ruined and damaged dead inside and the only thing I can do is keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and try to not screw up. I know that I will never be happy again and I guess i need to make my goal just to be somebody who is a survivor and not strive for happiness anymore. Just survival. I have been in therapy for The past year and I'm seeing my therapist this morning. I have had two therapist now and neither one think that I have borderline personality disorder but I know that I have a lot of the traits and apparently I will probably never be able to cope or deal with relationships. The man that I gave my heart to thinks that I cheated on him many times while we were together and he cheated on me because I guess he felt he had the right to. We tried to be friends and seem to have a good time enjoying each other with boundaries set in place and this week both of us broke those boundaries. Because of my anger and my inability to deal with my impulses, both times sent me into a horrible dark place where my rage lives. We were not supposed to bring up the past and I brought up the past. So it's no contact again and this time permanently. If anybody has any advice on how to find myself again, the real me, the happy person I used to be.... I have never in my life have been depressed for any length of time. I have been depressed now for a solid year and a half. Every single day. The only times that I was happy was when I was with my ex. People think that I am an idiot for wanting to be with somebody who clearly does not love me. I beat myself up in my head constantly. I don't know how to get out of this and be happy again.
keiji Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 I know that I will never be happy again No, you don't know. You may think you know, but you don't. Perhaps you haven't found the right therapist. It took three for me to really start moving on and facing all that had been weighing on me for years. Also, have you tried medication? It's a last resort, but sometimes it's necessary to give you that final boost and put your mind at rest. 2
Author NotASkunk Posted January 12, 2017 Author Posted January 12, 2017 Thank you for your suggestions. I have been seeing my therapist for about three months now and I think she is fantastic. It was good to talk with her this morning. I have considered medication, but since I don't get depressed normally I really feel like I need to go through my pain and not try to mask it. It's just that it's so much more difficult than I ever expected.
BluesPower Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 You need the meds. Just because you have never been this depressed before does not mean that you do not need medication to get out of the place you are in now. Do what the doc says and start the meds. If a few weeks you will feel better than you do now. Life is not over, you are just in a bad place that you need to get out of... 1
LostConfusedLover Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 OP, I'm about a week into NC with my partner. We are on a break but I did not initiate it. I've felt an immense sense of grief (and all the side symptoms of grief) for the past week. One thing that has helped me cope/understand/get a game plan for myself has been reading the book "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliot. I know I will be going back to this book over and over as I cope and heal. You can do it. Do it for yourself because you're worth it. 1
Author NotASkunk Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 OP, I'm about a week into NC with my partner. We are on a break but I did not initiate it. I've felt an immense sense of grief (and all the side symptoms of grief) for the past week. One thing that has helped me cope/understand/get a game plan for myself has been reading the book "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliot. I know I will be going back to this book over and over as I cope and heal. You can do it. Do it for yourself because you're worth it. Thank you. I had an interesting session with my therapist today. When I explained how I felt about losing me she made some suggestions that hadn't occurred to me. About who I really am and who I may have been pretending to be when I was with my ex partner. I tended to placate him and his moods, I allowed myself to except a lifestyle that really limited who I was. And yet, in my mind when I think about getting back to me it's getting back to that happy place, all of the good things that we shared and there were many of them. She pointed me in the direction of who I was before I met him and the path that I was on then. It was actually a transformative and really terrific time in my life. I had changed my lifestyle drastically over 18 months and felt terrific, confident, positive. I knew that when I met a new man that I wanted him to be not simply a sexual play thing. I felt that I had lived that part of my life when I was in my 30s and I was completely done with that. I wanted to meet a partner who valued me. I thought that I had found him and I think my mind just allowed me to accept so many things that were really not healthy for me. A lot of my problems have to do with my anger at being accused of things I haven't done and a lot of my bad behavior contributed to his mistrust of me. I would say things to hurt him like I would cheat on him and that there were plenty of guys out there. Very emotionally immature. And yet I could not let go of him because of all the amazing good parts that he also possessed. He is truly an amazing soul, he came from a place where he had his own damage and trouble from his youth. I guess we had a bit of a trauma bonding thing .I'll always love him but I realize that his mistrust of me for what I didn't do is something that will always enrage me and therefore there is no hope for even a friendship or any contact. It's very sad to me but I also feel a little bit liberated after my session today. When I came home I was not feeling dismal. I felt incredibly productive and got a lot of little things done around my home that made me feel really accomplished and terrific, really. I am grateful for my therapist. I am grateful for the support that I am finding on this forum. I know that I will get back to a place where I will be a happy lady again. Thank you for your support and advice, I greatly appreciate it. 1
Epicurus77 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 The man that I gave my heart to thinks that I cheated on him many times while we were together<------------------was said Kind of made me feel bad to be part of male gender when I read this. It is just too much power to have over another by misjudgement. 1
PinkElephants Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 I don't know how to get out of this and be happy again. Start by understanding that happiness is a journey, not a destination. It's not something that you get at the end of the day and hide in a cupboard. It's a series of choices that you have complete control over; once you recognize and start exerting your control things will feel less bleak. What is one thing you can do today that will bring you joy? Time with friends? An afternoon at a museum alone? A book? A bike ride? After one of my breakups I realized I had a bunch of free time so I made a list of places I wanted to see in my city and started going. I saw so many things I'd ignored before because I was too caught up with a jerk. Plus it was a good feeling to know I did a lot of it alone. There was no waiting on friends or disappointment if plans cancelled; I had complete freedom. Why don't you start a list of things you want to do and work your way down? If anybody has any advice on how to find myself again, the real me, the happy person I used to be... You find yourself the same way you'd find your keys if they were lost: get off your ass and look. Move things around, declutter, search the old places and when it's not there you look somewhere new. Clean your house, make your home a peaceful place, get rid of mementos and do something new. Find a hobby, get a pet, volunteer, something. And give up the notion of finding the happy you that you used to be. You can't be that person any more than you can be the 5 year old you again. You have to create the happy person you want to be which means putting in effort which is hard but worth it. 1
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