Minestie Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 (edited) Hey guys, this is my first time posting here! So about a month ago, I met this girl at a party, and I had the impression that she was flirting with me quite a bit. She had to leave early to take care of a drunk friend, but she mentioned she saw me in a few concerts and added me as a friend on Facebook on the same night, though I hadn't told her my full name - so I assumed she knew me as a fan / friend of friends (we are both musicians). We started talking, and I made sure to not go the "typical" online route - where I'd constantly avoid giving her a chance to stop talking to me by asking a question in every message - just to make sure she was actually interested. She seemed to be extremely interested, making a conscious effort to keep the conversation going and saying yes to every proposal I made (that we should play together, that she should come with me on a trip, that we should watch series together, etc). We kept talking for about 3 weeks without meeting up as we were both visiting our families for the holidays, but this Saturday, I came back. So, we promptly met on Sunday to "rehearse" (though we had arranged we'd have a bottle of wine after we finish). She came to my place and was obviously nervous (which I took as a good sign, an indication that she cared), and everything went great! We drank some tea, we played some music, and we drank some wine. In the end we made out a lot, and there was quite a bit of sexual foreplay on my bed - though she said she won't have sex with me, which I replied was totally fine and expected. I did ask her to clarify whether she meant just that one time or in general, and she made sure I understood she meant just that one time. After a few hours of that, she went home, wanted me to take her to the station (also usually a great sign), and we waited for her train together, all great. We started talking again the next day, and she was a bit more distant. At some point during the afternoon, she texted me that "there is something she wants to tell me" (uh-oh). Apparently, she likes me a lot, and she "thought the previous evening was beautiful", but she only broke up with her ex a month ago and isn't over him, so she feels she's not ready to date other people and she would prefer if we stayed just friends. She thinks it's "only fair" that she tell me that. As I was quite into her, I was pretty sad, so I answered only about half an hour later, maybe without taking my time to accurately judge the situation. I said: "I'm sorry you're in this situation... and I hope it will pass soon. I really like you, and I like you even more since yesterday. I wish it were different, but it is the way it is. I will probably not come to your birthday party anymore [this weekend], as I would end up only standing around and trying not to think about it. If you change your mind, do let me know! It has never happened to me before, but who knows. I am telling this to you because this is what I am feeling. Have fun there! I hope, when you think of me, it's good memories see you around!" Do you think I should have instead tried to keep the conversation going, gone to her party, etc? I have no interest in just being friends with her, and I interpreted her last message as a sort of rejection (along the lines of: "you were nice to talk to, and I thought I like you, but the date showed me you are not the way I thought you were, so it turns out I don't really like you enough. I'm sorry it didn't work out"). Though that might just be my insecurity speaking...? Do you think there is any point in pursuing this at all? Do you think there is any chance she was just telling the truth and she might be "ready" later? Cause I felt like if I am second choice now, I will be second choice later, and if she really liked me, she would not have worried about her ex, but rather been happy to have met someone new so soon (then again, that might just be my ego ). Buuut since I really like her, I kinda can't help thinking about her, which is why I am writing this. (It doesn't help that it's her birthday today!) So - what do you think? Edited January 11, 2017 by Minestie 1
Lilyana76 Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 As I was quite into her, I was pretty sad, so I answered only about half an hour later, maybe without taking my time to accurately judge the situation. I said: "I'm sorry you're in this situation... and I hope it will pass soon. I really like you, and I like you even more since yesterday. I wish it were different, but it is the way it is. I will probably not come to your birthday party anymore [this weekend], as I would end up only standing around and trying not to think about it. If you change your mind, do let me know! It has never happened to me before, but who knows. I am telling this to you because this is what I am feeling. Have fun there! I hope, when you think of me, it's good memories see you around!" Did she respond to this? What did she say? It's too early to tell where her mind may be, I say give her some space and see what happens, but I wouldn't stop "looking" while you wait for her to decide. I personally would take it as a rejection as well. I guess my feeling is, if she was ok with hanging out, making out, just short of sex, but not ok to try to see if there is more between you, its not about the ex and not being over them. I would guess she just didn't want to try or isn't interested in trying. 1
Author Minestie Posted January 11, 2017 Author Posted January 11, 2017 Did she respond to this? What did she say? It's too early to tell where her mind may be, I say give her some space and see what happens, but I wouldn't stop "looking" while you wait for her to decide. I personally would take it as a rejection as well. I guess my feeling is, if she was ok with hanging out, making out, just short of sex, but not ok to try to see if there is more between you, its not about the ex and not being over them. I would guess she just didn't want to try or isn't interested in trying. She did not respond to this. The only other interaction we had was me wishing her a happy birthday on her fb timeline, to which she answered "thank you!". Yeah, I am inclined to think the same as you. 1
smackie9 Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Passive aggressiveness is a turn off....it's like you are fishing for a response like "OH but I do have an interest in perusing something with you!".....mmmmm not going to happen and never will. When they say they just broke up, not over their ex, have family issues, have exams, really busy at work yadda yadda yadda, is pretty much saying "I don't see myself dating you....but we can still be friends because you are giving me attention...." She already made her decision no matter what you messaged her. 2
Author Minestie Posted January 11, 2017 Author Posted January 11, 2017 Passive aggressiveness is a turn off....it's like you are fishing for a response like "OH but I do have an interest in perusing something with you!".....mmmmm not going to happen and never will. When they say they just broke up, not over their ex, have family issues, have exams, really busy at work yadda yadda yadda, is pretty much saying "I don't see myself dating you....but we can still be friends because you are giving me attention...." She already made her decision no matter what you messaged her. I don't see how any of what I did was passive aggressive at all, but oh well. I do agree that she has probably already made up her mind, I was just looking for some confirmation over here so that I can be more at rest with my actions. I'm glad others see this in a similar way. 1
kendahke Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Apparently, she likes me a lot, and she "thought the previous evening was beautiful", but she only broke up with her ex a month ago and isn't over him, so she feels she's not ready to date other people and she would prefer if we stayed just friends. She thinks it's "only fair" that she tell me that. This sort of mess grates on my nerves. No, what would have been fair was for her to have had this issue about not being over her boyfriend in the forefront of her head when she went along with: She came to my place , drank some tea, drank some wine, made out a lot, and made sure I understood she meant just that one time. She wasn't over him when she walked over the threshold of your home... she came in and played you off. I'd lose her number and block her everywhere. You don't need this level of messiness in your life. She has work to do cleaning up the aftermath of her failed relationship. 2
Author Minestie Posted January 11, 2017 Author Posted January 11, 2017 This sort of mess grates on my nerves. No, what would have been fair was for her to have had this issue about not being over her boyfriend in the forefront of her head when she went along with: She wasn't over him when she walked over the threshold of your home... she came in and played you off. I'd lose her number and block her everywhere. You don't need this level of messiness in your life. She has work to do cleaning up the aftermath of her failed relationship. Haha I like your no-bull**** attitude! I'm not gonna block her everywhere because I don't think she'll have such a big impact on my life, nor do I think we're very likely to bump into each other, but I do agree with the direction of your feelings. You are right! 2
Satu Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 I think she used you as a little experiment to see how it felt to experience a degree of intimacy with someone other than her ex. It was an "Am I over him" test. She used you to gauge the strength of her feelings for him. Steer clear of this one. Take care. 3
Author Minestie Posted January 11, 2017 Author Posted January 11, 2017 I think she used you as a little experiment to see how it felt to experience a degree of intimacy with someone other than her ex. It was an "Am I over him" test. She used you to gauge the strength of her feelings for him. Steer clear of this one. Take care. Hah, I hadn't thought about it that way! Actually makes a lot of sense. Wow, I'm glad I decided to post this! So many new perspectives! 3
travelbug1996 Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 I think it could also be that she wasn't that impressed with the foreplay. Maybe it didn't meet her expectations so instead of having sex the next time you hang out, she says she has feelings for her ex. I'm a woman so yeah that could have been it as well.
Author Minestie Posted January 12, 2017 Author Posted January 12, 2017 I think it could also be that she wasn't that impressed with the foreplay. Maybe it didn't meet her expectations so instead of having sex the next time you hang out, she says she has feelings for her ex. I'm a woman so yeah that could have been it as well. Yeah I really don't think it was that. She was extremely into it. I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say I felt her wetness through her panties. Also, we didn't hang out afterwards at all. As I mentioned in my OP, the conversation that followed happened via text.
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