Hyperfocal Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I matched with a lady one state over, 8 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago was first date, went nice, no issues. We have chatted a lot in these 8 weeks. 2 days ago I spend weekend at her city. That evening we watch TV content and get to snuggling, she gets closer and closer. She and I get into a more sexual state over about 3 hrs and right before anything she reports that she won't do it, because she vowed to take 2 years off. She keeps petting a lot after that statement. She is lovely, but words dont match actions. Night comes: I offer to go to hotel, she allows me to use her bed, she sleeps on sofa. At 5:am she brushes teeth and gets in bed with me. Initially just there, keeps working into to me and removing clothing and teasing and petting, lovely. But no sex. I go back to my village and ask directly about her inner conflict... I am ok sex or no sex and I never pressure for it, but her words dont match actions and total of 9 hrs of sexual tension building without sex is a hard act to like. She reports an inner conflict and some reasons. She shows signs of some depression, A LOT of self help books, insp quotes everywhere, projection of joy, etc. I've asked about her sexual actions and I'm told that there are situational events in 2014 which got her (medical&relational), and I suspect maybe clinical depr, but it is what it is, and I don't have all the facts. Question: So I respect and desire her, but wonder the implications of her very extended sexual teasing & groping without sex. She communicates with me in a continued loving kind way. I am not naive enough to say I have arrived at Nirvana with these symptoms in the way, I would appreciate interpretations. Is this scenario fair to me? Fixable with patience? What am I dealing with? Thanks!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Move on, you sound sexually incompatible. 1
ElizabethIII Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I have no idea what you're asking or what the problem is. Your first date was 3 weeks ago. She was comfortable enough to be intimate with you without having full sex. That is fine. You met her 3 weeks ago why can't you just let it develop naturally rather than make an issue out of it. Questioning her sexual motives? She sounds entirely normal given the early stages. You on the other hand sound like you need to calm down. 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I have no idea what you're asking or what the problem is. Your first date was 3 weeks ago. She was comfortable enough to be intimate with you without having full sex. That is fine. You met her 3 weeks ago why can't you just let it develop naturally rather than make an issue out of it. Questioning her sexual motives? She sounds entirely normal given the early stages. You on the other hand sound like you need to calm down. Disagree. It's one thing if they're keeping dates public and fun. However she's giving him mixed signals with all the close physicality and build up, but then blue balls him at the very end. Totally not cool, she sounds wacko to me. 2
Author Hyperfocal Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 Thanks... it is very specifically a case of saying "no" in a fair and kind way, then within minutes grabbing for more, and continuing for hours. That is not normal. It's like robbing a bank then shoving the money in the deposit box, not normal!! My question: This is an unusual behavior, what more shall I expect? Is this pointing to a specific disorder in your experiences? Any specific actions recommended beyond my frank discussion? Thx.
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I've asked about her sexual actions and I'm told that there are situational events in 2014 which got her (medical&relational) Not sure what you mean by "which got her", but you need to find out what exactly happened in 2014 surely? And why she has put a self imposed "full sex" ban in place, but is happy to do just about anything else... Before you get into this and potentially end up way out of your depth you need to know what you are dealing with. Is this just a bad break up with an ex, or are we talking about a nervous breakdown, rape or even cancer? Whatever it was, it sounds pretty serious.
Simple Logic Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I matched with a lady one state over, 8 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago was first date, went nice, no issues. We have chatted a lot in these 8 weeks. 2 days ago I spend weekend at her city. That evening we watch TV content and get to snuggling, she gets closer and closer. She and I get into a more sexual state over about 3 hrs and right before anything she reports that she won't do it, because she vowed to take 2 years off. She keeps petting a lot after that statement. She is lovely, but words dont match actions. Night comes: I offer to go to hotel, she allows me to use her bed, she sleeps on sofa. At 5:am she brushes teeth and gets in bed with me. Initially just there, keeps working into to me and removing clothing and teasing and petting, lovely. But no sex. I go back to my village and ask directly about her inner conflict... I am ok sex or no sex and I never pressure for it, but her words dont match actions and total of 9 hrs of sexual tension building without sex is a hard act to like. She reports an inner conflict and some reasons. She shows signs of some depression, A LOT of self help books, insp quotes everywhere, projection of joy, etc. I've asked about her sexual actions and I'm told that there are situational events in 2014 which got her (medical&relational), and I suspect maybe clinical depr, but it is what it is, and I don't have all the facts. Question: So I respect and desire her, but wonder the implications of her very extended sexual teasing & groping without sex. She communicates with me in a continued loving kind way. I am not naive enough to say I have arrived at Nirvana with these symptoms in the way, I would appreciate interpretations. Is this scenario fair to me? Fixable with patience? What am I dealing with? Thanks! I think this is totally fixable with patience as long as you don't dwell on next couple of visits being a booty call and go on fun dates.
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Do you know how many guys want to go from texting straight to sex in person? A lot. They come a dime a dozen. The problem is that you probably live too far away from each other and haven't had enough dates. She's uncomfortable.
BlackCherry Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Maybe she's just enjoying the build up. I usually find that there's at least a couple meet ups doing sexual things without full sex once the sexual intimacy begins. For a lot of people it's a bigger deal to have sex than other sexual activities. Why rush and ruin the anticipation? Some of the hottest, erotic times in relationships for me have been at the very beginning when you're trying to hold off on sex for whatever reason but doing everything else, really winding each other up to wanting it and trying to hold back. You focus so much on giving pleasure with foreplay when sex is off the table that when you finally can't hold back its explosive. Sounds like she just wants to keep getting to know you and is enjoying the increasing intimacy but for whatever reason isn't ready for full sex yet. Do you like her enough to wait? If you're into her surely her company and the intimacy you're already sharing is something you want to keep growing even if you haven't had PIV sex just yet? She may have a medical reason for not wanting to go 'all the way' she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about yet too. Just focus on getting to know her and enjoying her company and being as giving and loving as you can be within the restraints of what you are already doing in the bedroom. Nothing is less sexy then being pressured or sulked into sex. 2
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 It sounds like she has been dealing with some pretty serious things. Be wary. And, nobody owes anybody sex. You were right not to pressure her... But she has some responsibility too. If she says "No sex" and then crawls into bed beside you, removes her clothing, and engages in heavy petting... That's not very responsible behavior from her. She's lucky that you respected her "No" - the next man may not be so responsible. She is playing with fire... 3
Mrin Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 So your story reminded me of an experience I had when I was dating. We'd been out for a handful of dates and were almost naked in her bed (she had panties on). I went to remove the offending garment and she brushed my hand away and said something to the effect of, "nope, not ready for that". I was like OK. I get that. I can respect that. So we continued to make our and pretty much do everything up to having sex. But here's the thing, she kept on asking how badly I wanted to f*** her. Like almost taunting me about it. It was the weirdest thing. I guess the wanted me to beg but I wasn't going there. She'd already said she wasn't ready for that and I wasn't going to push my luck. It was almost like she'd set herself up with some sort of a "good girl" stance and wanted me to talk her out of it. Kinda like what is going on with you OP. I expected this sort of thing back in my teens and early 20's. The woman was almost 50 years old so I didn't have any interest in playing in any reindeer games so I never asked her out again. 1
Author Hyperfocal Posted January 11, 2017 Author Posted January 11, 2017 Mrin, funny one. I know the teaser effect you describe, can see what you mean. There are two paths here... I can view everything thru the lens of personality disorders and "problems" and be cautious. I can also be dismissive and take a "anybody can be anxious the first time, etc. anyone can have a rough patch" and take it lightly. If my ex wife is any indication, I should ditch anyone at first doubt, but the practical reality is between the two camps of doctrine probably. Thanks.
ElizabethIII Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 (edited) As another poster said it is nice to slowly build up some tension by starting with petting etc. You dont have to go to full sex straight away. Anticipation is fun. Edited January 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 As another poster said it is nice to slowly build up some tension by starting with petting etc. You dont have to go to full sex straight away. Anticipation is fun. Yes, anticipation is fun and you don't have to go right to full sex. But, in the original post, I think he said she told him that she was planning to take two years off sex... 2
Shining One Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 As another poster said it is nice to slowly build up some tension by starting with petting etc. You dont have to go to full sex straight away. Anticipation is fun.Not everyone feels this way. For some of us, this is rather unpleasant. Personally, I'm okay with delayed sex, but I don't appreciate the teasing and tension if I know sex is not going to happen for a long time. 3
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Yes, anticipation is fun and you don't have to go right to full sex. But, in the original post, I think he said she told him that she was planning to take two years off sex... Yes, she has been upfront there, so really there should be no expectation of full sex in the near future. She has stated her boundary. That boundary needs to be respected. If he cannot live with that, then he needs to bow out. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 (edited) Yes, anticipation is fun and you don't have to go right to full sex. But, in the original post, I think he said she told him that she was planning to take two years off sex... Though, I do respect that there may be some time before someone is ready for sex...2 years is pretty much a deal breaker for pretty much all men in general, esp. men in their mid-30s. I still would ask about those 2014 details that transpired. If that's the case, she needs to get a handle on that (seek help/counseling) before considering even a relationship. If he cannot live with that, then he needs to bow out. Most or all men would bow out. Of course, I'd have a hard time buying into her 2-year vow. I knew of a woman that said she would sleep in the same bed with a guy quite a few times before actually having any kind of sexual acts with him. She was looking for a long term relationship, so I understood that. She was mostly about making out/kissing/petting...which I kind of understood...but I'd rather sleep on the couch or go home to rest and not have that temptation of being in the same bed a few times before the deed. lol "No sex" and then crawls into bed beside you, removes her clothing, and engages in heavy petting... That's not very responsible behavior from her. Yeah...when I saw that, that raised red flags of her being an outright tease. Edited January 11, 2017 by LookAtThisPOst
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 (edited) Why don't you just tell her that you respect her decision to want to wait to have sex but that you'd rather not be doing all the heavy making out and teasing? Just light physical affection and touching is adequate for now. The 2 year no sex rule would make me bow out. Edited January 11, 2017 by Popsicle 1
GunslingerRoland Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 If your fear is that she is going to refrain from having sex with you for 2 years while teasing you every date like this, I wouldn't worry, she clearly has needs and I'm sure she'll change her mind much sooner rather than later.
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 If your fear is that she is going to refrain from having sex with you for 2 years while teasing you every date like this, I wouldn't worry, she clearly has needs and I'm sure she'll change her mind much sooner rather than later. Well, it really all depends on why she has decided to go on this "2 year sex ban." Does she actually have a vagina? 1
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 If your fear is that she is going to refrain from having sex with you for 2 years while teasing you every date like this, I wouldn't worry, she clearly has needs and I'm sure she'll change her mind much sooner rather than later. I tend to agree with this but I think it's unfair that she even suggested it. She is testing to see IF he would comply with a 2 year sex rule (even if she doesn't). It's one-sided and unfair to ask. 1
Timshel Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Maybe something has occurred in '2014' or her life history in general that has led to her behaving in a dysfunctional way. It is dysfunctional. For whatever reason, she has decided to use sex to achieve a goal in her own head. She is a tease. 'I don't want to have sex for two years' yet has you spending the night at her place in rapid pace and crawls into bed with you and has a heavy make out...but no sex. :rolleyes: You two haven't had face to face dates for more than a few? times, yet zero to sixty with the trite charade of chastity.... In my opinion, this woman is playing games. If you continue with her, expect escalating drama. Also, please do not have sex with her without a condom. You'll get it soon, at this rate, she'll feign how special you are, you will be lost in the specialness of yourself with blueballs...don't fall for it. 2
Sweetfish Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Something happen in 2014. Its 2017 So 3 years has pass since this incident. Hmmm so 2 years ban on sex or prisoner from sex. Pick your poison. So were going to conclude that 5 years no sex or sexual issues is actively in effect. This is a red flag.
Author Hyperfocal Posted January 11, 2017 Author Posted January 11, 2017 2 years is pretty much a deal breaker for pretty much all men in general, esp. men in their mid-30s. To clarify, due to both a string of lousy relationships up till about 23 months ago, and at that time, a medical issue that lasted a year, she decided at that point to not date or have sex for 2 years. She is not uber-religious, but also is reevaluating when it is 'right' to first have sex in a rel. I still would ask about those 2014 details that transpired. If that's the case, she needs to get a handle on that (seek help/counseling) before considering even a relationship. I have asked in detail and been given answers (wont post here) with enough clarity including a surgery and scars, and psychotherapy which does make sense. Now, anyone can be disordered, anyone can be unstable for a rel. If I had those answers I would not be here But the story does jive. You two haven't had face to face dates for more than a few? times, yet zero to sixty with the trite charade of chastity.... It is 300 miles, so 2 dates with a lot more communication between dates than you do when they are 10 minutes away, different dynamic. She and I are continuing to spend about 1/2hr a day in text or call and there is a positive vibe there. I have both an attraction and long term interest in her. It is a delicate balance to evaluate a relationship without both becoming attached and taking a hit if it fails, common quandary eh.
Timshel Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 It is 300 miles, so 2 dates with a lot more communication between dates than you do when they are 10 minutes away, different dynamic. She and I are continuing to spend about 1/2hr a day in text or call and there is a positive vibe there. I have both an attraction and long term interest in her. It is a delicate balance to evaluate a relationship without both becoming attached and taking a hit if it fails, common quandary eh. Ok, sorry, I missed the distance part. Idk, that's gonna be tough. LDR is difficult....I guess just see how things progress. It doesn't seem that she is going to be able to wait 2 yrs. if she keeps hopping in bed with you. There's nothing wrong with that, I just like it when actions and words align. I hope this works out for both of you. 2
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