NEED ! Messy break up, remained friends, now broke up again as friends...

[david0184]

Asian male in his late 20s with strict parents, who only want me to focus on academics and are very strict about who I date. I live independently in another state as a student, but parents often come to visit. Was dating an asian lady in the same age range, who is very experienced. This is the first woman I fell head over heals for and screwed it up.

 

My current predicament is that I am unable to make decisions based on my own feelings. I was in a wonderful relationship 4 months ago that lasted until the beginning of December, when my parents convinced me to break up with the girl even though deep down, I still had feelings and didn't want to do so. At that time, it was the only decision as I fell head over heels for her and was unable to set my priorities straight. I basically had a very important exam that I needed to pass, but I was spending all of my time with her and unable to pull back. Since she and I are both adults, she allowed me to use all my time on her because I convinced her it was my decision and that I have studying under control. In reality, I was deceiving myself.

 

I have a big mouth and tend to tell everything to my parents about my relationship with her and vice versa. During the course of our short relationship, this has caused significant strain on both sides and I realized that I was doing a very stupid thing. When I realized, it was too late, and I had already gone to the point of no return by initiating the break up due to parents literally forcing me to do so.

 

I was supposed to keep it a clean break as I promised my parents, but I could not resist contacting her again. We decided to remain friends and still went on dates and had low level of contact until my exam finished. After that, she did meet my parents and found them to be accepting of her. However, she can never forget that I reacted impulsively twice during our relationship... first time was when we were still dating casually and I blocked her briefly because she did not keep her word to pick me up at the airport and I told my parents and they convinced me that was the right decision. Again, I went back at that time because I had feelings. The second time was the break up itself. Again, I blocked her briefly but re-initiated contact.

 

At this point, she has lost a lot of trust in me. Just yesterday, as friends, I felt that we were not getting enough communication and I tried to force her to contact me by breaking up with her again over text as friends. This was partly motivated by talking to close friends, who told me it's time to move on. I felt indecisive but listened to them. This has caused a critical breaking point in our friendship.

 

I don't know if she will want me back after this, let alone as a friend. I told her that I cannot accept it if she dates another man because I only have a romantic relationship with her. She told me that initially the whole point of trying to be friends after we broke up is to try to get to know me better to see if she can date me again and to repair trust. I was hesitant if those were her real intentions but after the way she reacted yesterday, I think she was being honest.

 

She told me to have 4 days of space and will get back to me about her final decision on Saturday evening. My guess is that this is probably over as I have broken her trust 3 times but I still have a little hope. Maybe it is false hope. She says she needs time to be alone and that this will also help me to cool down. At this point, she obviously doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like she's distancing herself and I'm so afraid for a complete break up with no contact after this. At least that's what I'm preparing for in case it is true because I don't want to be hurt again. I have been hurt too much in this relationship after break up and I don't want to go through that again. I realize that I tend to think pessimistically even during the course of our relationship, and it is something I wish to change about myself.

 

I do LOVE her, so I have a hard time letting her go!! I also am a clingy type so I can never stick with my decisions. I always hope there's a chance to go back but can trust really be repaired anymore??? She doubts that her trust can be repaired too after this because she doesn't think I can change after this same behavior showed up 3 times.

 

In regards to the relationship, I don't know how I should cope with this latest debacle. I'm trying to suppress my emotions and seek counseling to help me to move on in the likely event that she could not take it anymore. Even if she doesn't want a relationship, is it still any benefit to remain friends with an ex? She is my first love and I have a hard time letting her go. I wish her to be part of my life, but friends and family say that I am just setting myself up for future hurt when she dates another man. I think she knows too because she feels that she doesn't want to talk anymore if she can never date me again.

 

I'm really at a loss of what to do now and how to cope. Is she gone forever? Do I even have a chance anymore? I would like to improve on these aspects of myself not necessarily for her because it might be too late but more so for my future relationship so that I don't make the same mistakes again.

[Nadine123]

I'm Middle Eastern so I can relate to the impact parents can have for you. This has nothing to do with the topic but my advice for you is to love them, respect them, but dont let them affect your decisions to the point where you had to break up with this girl. If she was treating you like crap I understand but comeon now, she didnt do anything to you.

 

Regarding staying friends, I would say it would be difficult. You will need to go NC, get over her, and then be friends. Hopefully she decides to go back to you but look, as a girl, my advice to you would be to pour your heart out.

[david0184]

Thanks Nadine! Does anyone else have any suggestions to how I can cope in limbo? Thanks!