bradt93 Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I dont know about women,but in my case, I was not really attracted to my ex before we started dating. She was chasing me for some time and one day she came to a party with one of my friends and as we were chatting I decided that she's interesting and asked her out. She always used to say that she was waiting for that moment for a long time. We ended up together for three yeaes and she broke my heart (things turn around,huh?). So I believe it can work out, especially given that people change a lot. Ieg. some girls I wouldnt even look at when I was in hs are now beauties. ANd why wouldn't you look at these girls? Beauty is not everything. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 It's not a choice. But it's also not 100 percent about looks. It's about demeanor, body language, and personality, and it only takes about 2 minutes of chit chat to assess that. Body language says a lot about a person's confidence and sensuality. Still, if a woman doesn't like your face or your hair, she's probably going to see if she can find someone she likes AND also finds attractive. I have a clear image in my head of types of guys in music bars. You have the ones who are standing around laughing easily with men and women, are easily approachable and fun to talk to. Then you have some attractive ones who lean against a wall or at the bar kind of stuckup looking who can get women without much effort but don't appear to be trying. Then you have the guys with slumped shoulders kind of watching from the corners of their eyes who aren't friendly or confident enough to do anything. Women are going to be all over the first guy, because he's friendly and fun. His looks may range widely from the best looking guy in the room to below average, but he's fun and even if he's below average in looks, some woman sometime somewhere will fall hard for him - though he may sabotage himself by holding out for someone out of his attractiveness range. I've known some guys like that. Because they are entertaining, they can be surrounded by attractive women they will crush on but who only like him as a friend and aren't attracted to him. Still, there's plenty who will more than like him if he'll stop focusing on the ones who won't. The guy leaning on the wall isn't putting forth any effort and looking stuckup, and it may be because he does not want women he's not attracted to approaching him, same way pretty women look unfriendly because they are avoiding unwanted attention. Now, he may be an okay guy or not, but he's doing the picking IF he sees anyone he likes. And I've seen a lot of them not pick anyone and leave alone, and I've always seen guys like this who have a woman at home. The third bunch of guys exude lack of confidence and also sometimes look sneaky. So even if they're reasonably good looking, most women won't be attracted to them. They may try to catch a falling drunk girl when the bar closes, usually unsuccessfully, but that's all they would have the nerve to approach, not a fully lucid live one. Yes, it's sad, but there's lots of people, men and women, out there who have no confidence -- and the bad thing is that even if you give one a chance, they're so insecure they'll make you miserable with their jealousy and suspicions and sometimes control issues all driven by insecurity and fear. So we're right to have an instinct not to mess with them. Women have instincts that are there for a reason over thousands of years that helped them survive. Yes, there are some who are just shallow and immature, just like there are some men who are, but at the bottom of all this, women reading body language is pure instinct and it's there for a reason. The first guy is safe. The second guy is an unknown quantity. The third is the highest risk for becoming a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
bradt93 Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Can a woman tell if a guy has aspergers? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 ^ They would eventually just notice that something is off, but most people wouldn't know why or the symptoms of it specifically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bradt93 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 ^ They would eventually just notice that something is off, but most people wouldn't know why or the symptoms of it specifically. Well, is that suffice to say that women are afraid of guys with aspergers? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 (edited) Not a woman, but an honest male perspective.... It's been my experience that money or status(or even strong Alpha male qualities) throws all the "physical attraction is a must" theories out the window for many women... These women will say all the right things, but at the end of the day, physical attractiveness wasn't the real reason for being with the guy...or perhaps those intangibles mentioned effed up their ugly filter...I dunno.... Guys don't generally do the same....A woman as attractive as, say, Katy Perry, could be serving hamburgers at the local diner and all types of men from all walks of life will be going after her....But take a guy like Tom Brady and put him at the local Home Depot stocking the shelves and he may do OK with the locals. but he ain't getting a whiff of a Gisele B.... .02 TFY Edited January 15, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Well, is that suffice to say that women are afraid of guys with aspergers? They don't know enough to exactly be afraid of it. They just know something doesn't add up or communication is not working well or any number of things, and then yes, they are uncomfortable with that, may feel awkward. You know, people do fear what they don't understand and also it might require coping skills, depending on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Bradt93 Do you know or have you spoken to any women with Asperger's. It may give you a clue as to how others may view you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Like attracts like - and that's pretty much all you need to know. The most attractive people will mostly only be attracted to the most. Average people are also attracted to average people, etc. Basically the more objectively attractive someone is, the pickier they will be about the objective attractiveness of their potential partner...I believe this is not a conscious choice. It just is. Link to post Share on other sites
bradt93 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Like attracts like - and that's pretty much all you need to know. The most attractive people will mostly only be attracted to the most. Average people are also attracted to average people, etc. Basically the more objectively attractive someone is, the pickier they will be about the objective attractiveness of their potential partner...I believe this is not a conscious choice. It just is. I hope you're wrong on this. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Like attracts like - and that's pretty much all you need to know. The most attractive people will mostly only be attracted to the most. Average people are also attracted to average people, etc. I pondered that last night when discovering a bunch of old Ektachrome slides I took back in the 60's and 70's and reviewing how things actually went as peer integration took hold. I think you're right, and it starts at a young age, even before sexual maturation occurs. Some of it is nature, our wiring, and some is nurture, how we're socialized. Basically the more objectively attractive someone is, the pickier they will be about the objective attractiveness of their potential partner...I believe this is not a conscious choice. It just is. If true, I'd be interested in learning how the subconscious comes to be what it is. While reading your response it occurred to me that an interesting, purely theoretical, experiment would be to take a group of totally, from birth, blind women and follow them in their pursuit of normal relationships. Blind women of all physical attractiveness levels and personality styles. Then, through the magic of science, after they've made their choices, give them sight. I think the results would be fascinating and IMO not in any way predictable. Again, that nature and nurture thing. Oh, back to the slides. I was humored and a bit chagrined, not having seen the stuff in, heck, 40+ years, to see the girls dancing with and hanging all over my childhood best friend, the guy who I'd later call Brad Pitt his doppleganger when I first saw Brad in Thelma and Louise. My friend could melt the chicks like Brad melted Geena. It was awesome. Great memories, even if I did get passed by a lot. Bottom line they like what they like. More power to them. Link to post Share on other sites
ReformedPUA Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) So I have been hearing from some relationship "experts" that Attraction cannot be turned on in a woman if its does not exist in the first place. So question is if a guy approaches you, would you know right away if you will go out with him or not by their first approach or physical appearance ? This mindset implies that if the woman does not find you attractive in the first place there is no point in trying to charm/talk her coz there is no attraction from her side and its a fruitless exercise...What do you ladies and men think ? Well OP, there's your first problem right there, asking women about how attraction works for them. It is a mindset of a guy who looks to women to lead, and who actually thinks that the way to get a woman attracted to him is to do what she wants to do. Horrible strategy! A woman oftentimes will tell you one thing while the truth is another thing altogether different. And that's even assuming that attraction works the same way for each woman--it doesn't actually. Attraction is NOT a choice, and the good news is it is NOT mostly about looks. If you have the right blend of confidence, shamelessness, boldness, and then sweetness and consideration, you will go quite far. Edited January 17, 2017 by ReformedPUA Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Has to be an instant "something"--not necessarily looks. I could never decide based on a tinder photo. I need all the intangibles--a scent, a walk, a facial expression, or the sound of a voice or laugh. Just need one that sparks an attraction I want to follow. And, yes, I must want to have sex with him. I'll know that in an instant, but I'll wait until I trust him and feel emotional closeness as well. Then it all becomes a loop that feeds attraction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'm attracted to a certain look/body type in guys, but if the guy is boring, not intelligent, can't carry on a decent conversation, or is arrogant, then even if he's super hot on the outside, it would ruin my attraction for him. I'm engaged now, but my attraction to my fiance has a few levels....the chemistry is amazing, but who he is as a person, and how funny and thoughtful he is, etc...is what makes me attracted to him. So, I'd say to answer the question of the OP, is that attraction might not be instant, but a first look at someone might at least tell you if you want to get to know them further, if that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 attraction being a choice and becoming attracted to someone you aren't initially attracted to are two totally different animals. I don't think we can choose to be attracted to someone. I don't see sexual attraction as a choice outside of some serious mental gymnastics. I do believe having experienced it firsthand that someone who you are not attracted to at first can become VERY attractive depending on other qualities they have. The issue is that not many people are going to give it a try. Why, when you can find someone you're attracted to initially, would you take a risk on someone you're not in hopes they might grow on you...it's not an appealing strategy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bebe23 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I don't know what it is. I've realized something (maybe it is where I live) but when it comes to men, I find so FEW of them to be physically attractive 'by sight alone.' And it's not because I'm young and most of the men out and about are old geezers. I'm 46 now. There are a rare few that make me think oh, he's a cutie, kind of like 'look at that nice scenery.' Voice is a big part of what makes me attracted, too. Many years ago, I had a date with a tall, nice-looking young man before I married my husband. He had a high-pitched voice. It was honestly not something I could get over. On the other hand, sometimes I listen to old 70's songs, then I see a photo of the singer- and think... so what if he's homely- the VOICE! Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 It's not a choice. Attraction isn't something anyone can force. It's also not something a person can deliberately flick on/off like a light bulb. I do think that the other person needs to have SOMETHING that you find a bit intriguing there at the very beginning to convince you to at least give him or her a chance. That "something" will likely be attraction in most cases, but it could be some other favorable and interesting thing. Could be something physical or something mental about the person. If there's absolutely nothing there at all (or if you have major issues with the person that clearly outweigh any positives), then I don't think a date's gonna happen...not now or ever. Attraction also isn't binary and it isn't black-and-white. Assuming there's something there at the start (but not necessarily a blunt "yes"), your attraction may fluctuate early on as you get to know each other, and it will soon stabilize towards a definitive "yes" or "no". I think it's a good idea not to think or rationalize too hard about attraction. It's more of an intuitive feeling. Lastly, it's pretty common for a person to not have any real problem with you...and not be attracted to you at all. For example, a woman can think you're personable, funny, good-looking, confident, assertive, intelligent, kind, etc etc...and she genuinely enjoys your company and wouldn't mind being friends with you...and yet she knowingly feels zero actual attraction towards you. Thus the chances of her going on a date with you are slim. Link to post Share on other sites
kztar Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Same happened to me. I fell in love with a guy who I wasn't physically attracted to at all. At first I couldnt picture us being more than friends and I'd never date him. But I got to know him and persistence was his best friend because I fell in love with his personality, which made him physically attractive to me! It's fair to say though that attraction isn't turned on in a man unless it's not there in the first place. I've never met or known a man who could date an unattractive woman. It just doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
fire575 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) Attraction transcends the physical. I sometimes find what most would consider physically unattractive men to be very appealing/attractive. And vice versa -- some good looking men I'm just totally put off by and there is zero attraction. So point being, I think attraction is energetic. Sorry to get new agey on you but it makes the most sense because why else would I be attracted to an ugly guy??? Yet it happens! I mean, not only do most people think some random guy is ugly.. but I do too! Yet I can still find myself attracted to him. So I think it's an energetic exchange. Just my two cents. Also, what I mean is the attraction takes place BEFORE any conversation takes place. So while I agree that personality and other qualities can manifest an attraction that wasn't initially there, sometimes you're just attracted to people before even exchanging words. Edited January 18, 2017 by fire575 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Attraction is NOT a choice. Human beings have no choice in who they do or don't find attractive. With women if you are below a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 you will never get her to fall in love with you. She may go out with you if she's bored or insecure but it will go no where. But attraction is more than just physical looks to a woman. It's confidence, successfulness, humor, alpha male qualities. The tough thing with OLD is you are only judged on your physical looks at first. Meeting in person allows your other attributes to show. If a woman sees you as a 5 you will have to work much harder than I guy she sees as an 8 or 9. You can make less mistakes and must have your game tight. Show that you are insecure, needy, clingy and you're out. Same guy who is a 9 can make more mistakes but even he has his limits. Once you have met the MINIMUM level of attraction you can build up to being a 10 by doing everything right. But if you don't make a 5 you can do nothing. Similar for men. The last girl I dated was very attractive. Even though there were some red flags on the first date (3 martinis in a 2 hour span) I decided to go with it. We ended up dating for almost 2 months and she was the most selfish negative person I had ever met. So much so I no longer wanted to have sex with her and ended it. My ex gf was not the hottest girl I've dated but was so caring and generous I fell deeply in love and ended up here because she broke up with me and crushed my world. Some women will say they initially didn't find a guy attractive and then over time through persistence they did but they guy had to be at least a 5. Sure you can have outliers but your best bet is to stick with women who find you attractive and are excited to see you. You will have A LOT more fun with them. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Well, is that suffice to say that women are afraid of guys with aspergers? I can recognize the traits of aspergers, 2 of my male colleagues have it and I'm not scared of either, 1 of them especially I really admire and love being around. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 This thread brings to mind the countless "red pill/blue pill" sites that exist. Or their identical twins-- the Alpha versus Beta sites. The lesson for men from those is that it is most often futile to hope that you can make some woman you're attracted to be attracted to you. And from long-ago experience I agree with that lesson. Ladies, what you've said here tells me you are more open-minded than the ladies I unsuccessfully pursued in my youth. Give it a chance as you really have nothing to lose but a few hours of your time. Link to post Share on other sites
lucky-girl Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Apparently I'm a minority here, but that doesn't really surprise me. For me, physical/sexual attraction to my husband was by choice. Initially he was attracted to me, but I was very much not attracted to him - a nice enough guy to be friends with but didn't have the looks, confidence, charisma, charm, dress sense etc to attract me. I agreed to go on a few "dates" with him just as friends (I made this clear). Over the next 3 years he became my best friend. I loved him as a friend and realized we were compatible in every way except for the fact that I still had no sexual attraction to him. I made an effort to try to think about him in a physically positive way (rather than focusing on his unattractive features) - essentially talking myself into feeling desire for him. It actually worked. I feared it would evaporate when I kissed him but the feeling only got stronger. We started dating and I grew more in love with him and more attracted to him. I doubt this would have worked if I wasn't already in love with him as a friend. I mean you can't make yourself like a guy who has nothing you want. It's equally possible - and I'd say a lot more common - to unintentionally talk yourself out of being attracted to someone by focusing on their unattractive features and annoying habits. I think a lot of people place too much importance on their initial feelings (or lack of) attraction, and that they would not even consider trying to stir up such feelings within themselves because they think if it's not there, you shouldn't be together. By the way, said husband and I have been very happily married 20 years now. Though I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, I'm sure that would be the case by now, no matter how our relationship started - and we still have a good sex life. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 It's not a choice. But it's also not 100 percent about looks. It's about demeanor, body language, and personality, and it only takes about 2 minutes of chit chat to assess that. /snip/ Not a choice for me and like preraph I know within a few minutes if there's a spark (from my side anyway). Looks do play a role, but that shouldn't be read as necessarily good looks; my tastes in the physical are eclectic. It's the attraction that matters and, again I can only speak for myself, that is driven primarily by demeanor, body language, personality, etc. /snip/ Attraction also isn't binary and it isn't black-and-white. /snip/ It is for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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