dreya1223 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 My bf, for me, was the most amazing guy I’ve met. I don’t date, he’s my 2nd bf after my first one cheated on me. I met my first from school and when I ended the my first. I decided I’d rather be single and alone than waste time dating, however, I stumbled upon this guy, and we both had connection I can never explain. I won’t go into details but he is the sweetest & nicest guy I’ve met. I fell completely in love with this guy. He comes over to clean my place, cook for me and really show that he cares form me. I have tried to not look for anything about him because he makes me feel loved & cared for and for me, those were good enough and I don’t care about his past. However, one day I was home configuring one of my computers and his email popped up as one of the logins. I have seen his email in the past and could’ve accessed it but I refused to because I was so afraid I might see something that would hurt me. But then, I can’t explain what it was that made me open his email. I can say he’s pretty good at keep tracks or hiding because all his trash were empty, inbox are pretty cleaned up, sent items were clean up until July 2016 - this is where I found email exchanges from craigslist. I say he cleaned up his inbox because the posting verification from craigslist and pretty much anything from craiglist are not in his inbox, he must’ve just missed his sent items. The email exchanges were about him meeting with guys to do sexual acts. Emails even had organ pictures of the guys showing uncut etc and to meet at some motel.. I was so hurt, I was never even aware that these things existed in craiglist. I work in the IT so I could say I’m pretty knowledgeable compared to most people when it comes to computers but as I mentioned earlier, I didn’t want to look or search for anything because he made me feel love and I trusted him. I was so devastated and so confused. I asked him to come over to my place an we had talked, I first asked him if he’s got anything to say or confess to me (I wanted to give him a chance to admit) but he denied and said he had nothing to hide from me. I gave him clues about Craigslist and the hotel name - but he was getting upset and said he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. So I was forced to tell him what I found out - he was very upset first about why I had gone through his email, then, he admitted it. He admitted that he was insecure about his size and he had to go to CL to compare his size to other guy’s thing. He said he never went through it and never went to the hotel. He said this is something that is so personal and that he never had talked to anybody about it.I told him that if he is gay, I would still accept and love him but he said he realize that’s not what he wanted and that he couldn’t go through it because he’s not attracted to guys. He said he loves me so much and that he was sorry he didn’t tell me but he said that’s something he was so embarrass about — So I forgave him… The next day, I wanted to confirm he is telling the truth, but I found out that he DID checked into the hotel had his name and he paid via his credit card — this hurt me more and i was so crushed. I called him out of anger and said I don’t ever want to see his face ever again and to stay away from me. I was done with him.. BUT he came over to my work waited for me when I got off work and tried to talk to me, he begged me and cried and begged so much I couldn’t stand seeing him like that so again.. I forgave him.. Ever since then, he’s been really trying to show how much he loves me and cares for me. He spends more time with me and calls me all the time..How I wish I could completely erase what he did but I can’t.. It keeps bothering me and now I go to CL looking for posts that may be created by him.. I have brought it up to him how much it bothers me and he keeps re-assuring that I have nothing to worry about and he loves me and I complete him etc..It crushes me too to feel this way because I do see that he’s trying but idk.. I have read about guys who hide these feelings and have secret affairs. Most postings I see in CL are guys who have gf and wives & kinds who want to be discreet and how I feel so sorry for all these girls they’re with. It hurts me so much thinking that I might be one of these girls, I’m with a guy pretending or wanting to be straight but have secret affairs. I need help I have bee consoling myself, reading up on things but its been really hard for me. I can’t even tell my friends about what I found out about him because I know the moment they find out, they will tell me to leave him.. At this point, I know I love him but I’m not too sure if I should be with him knowing that I have all these thoughts that he might be having secret affairs or hookups with guys..idk I’m desperately seeking your advice. I appreciate any advice anyone can provide.
Brittybritt92 Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 First of all, I'm so sorry. I'm sure you're really hurting right now. Cheating takes a HUGE toll on a relationship. Trust in a relationship is like a tough bank. If you make deposits at a different bank your account gets closed. AKA the trust is gone, and it's VERY hard for it to come back fully. Especially because you've been cheated on in the past, you might feel temptation to try to make this work. But I think there's way more involved in this, like him possibly being gay or bisexual, and involving you in his self discovery is just unfair. Please take care of yourself, I think you should definitely take a break so you can both decide what you want. He needs to give you space instead of trying to pressuring you into making this work. His kindness and extra attention is coming from guilt, and deep down you know that too somewhere. I'm sure the extra attention feels nice at first but later you go home and worry about what he's doing. It's just not fair to you and is a very painful way to live-- I tried to do the same with my ex and he just kept doing it. Cheaters have a certain quality that non cheaters don't. As long as no one knows, no one gets hurt to them... in the end it all comes up though, look at how easy it was for you to discover this? Again, I'm so sorry. Being cheated on is one of the worst feelings that the human spirit can feel. But you have to trust that you deserve better. Take a break at least-- if his intentions are honest, you'll know in time. Take care <3
Simple Logic Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Nobody can predict the future, but I would be apprehensive as to your BFs future fidelity. He will do a better job or hiding his activities by using a computer you do not have access to.
mikeylo Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Love is not enough. Trust , respect , honestly , loyalty etc are what take the relationship further and make love stronger. Your love will eventually fizzle out as there is nothing to hold onto. Dump him already.
VeveCakes Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Hes lying...a lot. End of story. People don't check out casual encounters and reply etc to men if they are not gay or bi. Time to kick him to the curb. 1
kendahke Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Do yourself a favor and dump him. Why do you require a liar in your life? I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to tolerate a bald faced liar lying in my face. Please don't be lazy and say "because I never date" or "he takes such good care of me"--those are not a good enough or sane enough reasons to keep a liar in your life.
Author dreya1223 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 Thank you so much everyone for being so kind to give me the advice, I really appreciate them and need to hear these things from other people. It's hard being alone and not being able to confide onto my friends so I truly am thankful for you guys who replied on this thread. I have tried talking to him last night about this again and how much it still bothers me. I have asked him to give us both a break to think things through and for him to figure out what he really wants in life. BUT he kept saying he knows what he wants and that it was so stupid of him to do those things in Craigslist & regrets it. He said I'm the only one he ever wants to be with.. I'm the kind of person who doesn't judge nor blame people for their actions, I do my best to always try to understand things from their perspective and I have been trying so so much to understand why he did what he did. Perhaps it was because I am always working and during the time he did this, I didn't give him enough time to spend with me. And I forgot to mention, he proposed to me.. I said yes because I truly do love him but now thinking about it, reading what you guys say, idk if I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to hurt him, it seems like he's too vulnerable, perhaps he has some deep seated issues that I do want to help him with. I understand that most people would call me stupid and I wouldn't dispute that but isn't it that if you truly love someone, you will accept them for all that they are and all that they're not? idk, I'm being so stubborn. I'm very logical when it comes to my profession. I have my things together, very responsible & financially independent..But when it comes to myself & love, I'm very selfless and I feel that is one of my greatest weakness. It crushes me to see him beg & cry and how I wish I have the heart to break his heart..I know my problem is nothing compared to what most people have but how I wish I'm not like who I am sometimes I always put other people's happiness before me and I've always thought that I'd be happy knowing the people around me are happy even if it's at the expense of my own. I'm pretty broken I know. I just can never seem to be B***, I wish there's a pill to take to become one.. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of how or when I'll do it.. Thank you so much for the advice, I'll keep you guys posted..
VeveCakes Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Thank you so much everyone for being so kind to give me the advice, I really appreciate them and need to hear these things from other people. It's hard being alone and not being able to confide onto my friends so I truly am thankful for you guys who replied on this thread. I have tried talking to him last night about this again and how much it still bothers me. I have asked him to give us both a break to think things through and for him to figure out what he really wants in life. BUT he kept saying he knows what he wants and that it was so stupid of him to do those things in Craigslist & regrets it. He said I'm the only one he ever wants to be with.. I'm the kind of person who doesn't judge nor blame people for their actions, I do my best to always try to understand things from their perspective and I have been trying so so much to understand why he did what he did. Perhaps it was because I am always working and during the time he did this, I didn't give him enough time to spend with me. And I forgot to mention, he proposed to me.. I said yes because I truly do love him but now thinking about it, reading what you guys say, idk if I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to hurt him, it seems like he's too vulnerable, perhaps he has some deep seated issues that I do want to help him with. I understand that most people would call me stupid and I wouldn't dispute that but isn't it that if you truly love someone, you will accept them for all that they are and all that they're not? idk, I'm being so stubborn. I'm very logical when it comes to my profession. I have my things together, very responsible & financially independent..But when it comes to myself & love, I'm very selfless and I feel that is one of my greatest weakness. It crushes me to see him beg & cry and how I wish I have the heart to break his heart..I know my problem is nothing compared to what most people have but how I wish I'm not like who I am sometimes I always put other people's happiness before me and I've always thought that I'd be happy knowing the people around me are happy even if it's at the expense of my own. I'm pretty broken I know. I just can never seem to be B***, I wish there's a pill to take to become one.. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of how or when I'll do it.. Thank you so much for the advice, I'll keep you guys posted.. There is being caring and there is being taken for a ride. You my dear are being taken for a very long and painful ride.... he is lying right to your face. Why on earth would you feel bad. He's crying because he got caught, not because he cares about your feelings. Time to strengthen the back bone and show him the door. 1
Author dreya1223 Posted January 11, 2017 Author Posted January 11, 2017 There is being caring and there is being taken for a ride. You my dear are being taken for a very long and painful ride.... he is lying right to your face. Why on earth would you feel bad. He's crying because he got caught, not because he cares about your feelings. Time to strengthen the back bone and show him the door. Thanks VeveCakes, I needed to hear those.. you're awesome After doing some thinking yesterday and even though I felt I had enough reasons to end the relationship, I still felt the need to be sure so I started looking.. And as I expected, I found out more.. He still had his POF account (he said several times he deleted the account), saw how many times he accessed the site, what pages he's gone through and there was NOT only one posting he posted in CL but two or at least just the ones I found out. I was crushed once again so crushed. I sat on my bed all night in the dark thinking that I had all the answers in front of me but I because I refused to look and wanted to trust him, here I am again, hurt is not even a word to describe how I feel..It did help me going through this forum and hear other people's thoughts. I feel that all along I was in denial because of how much I love this guy. Honestly, I feel that this relationship messed me up so much. When I go anywhere and see some good looking, well built white guys, I think in my head that he's straight acting. Idk if I could ever trust anyone at this point but I need to repair my self back to being whole again..idk how long this will take me but I know I can do it. One of the most hurtful part of this is that I have to go through this alone, I refuse to tell my friends, because even after what he's done, I still care about him. I don't want people to judge him until he is ready and I believe it is not my business to talk about his personal issues to other ppl. I was up all night and sent him an email before I headed for work today. I told him everything and that I can't see him nor be with him anymore and laid everything that I found out. Sometimes I wonder what I have ever done to deserve anything like this, but then, I have to just think I'm still blessed than other ppl and some have it worse than me..Thank you for the advice, you might have just saved me from what you said is a long painful ride..
VeveCakes Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Good for you for making the first step. Don't worry about the steps back that will come...it will be a tough ride for the first little bit but in no time you will look back and wonder how you ever considered staying with someone like this. You decided you deserved better and acted on it. Good for you. Keep us posted. 1
LoveFiend Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 Love is not enough. Trust , respect , honestly , loyalty etc are what take the relationship further and make love stronger. Your love will eventually fizzle out as there is nothing to hold onto. Dump him already. Agreed I think Love is overrated in relationships. What matters most is having trust, respect, honesty, and someone who will be loyal to you.
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 12, 2017 Posted January 12, 2017 OP, I don't think you will ever be able to trust him. And please don't think for one second that he is NOT attracted to men. Because yeah he is. He just has not been able to come to terms with it. Now, I feel for some people in this situation, as I have gay/lesbian friends and it is not always easy to come out to family/friends/co-workers, etc that may not be too accepting. I can understand that it must be scary as hell. However, that being said, it is not right for him to drag you into his battle within himself. It's not right for him to get you all tangled up into a web of lies because he cant be what he wants to be openly. What he is doing is not new at all. It is typical of men on the 'down low'. Meaning, men having sex with men secretly, while living their lives as straight men. Heck, there are books written about it, and you can google and find topics on this everywhere. You need to let him go. What he did is not something strictly heterosexual men do. He *will* do this again.
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