Need a females perspective from those who identify as a socially awkward female...

[JacksonWest]

I just have never been so confused about somebody. I asked her out, got the "it would not be fair to my ex" reason.

 

But, then she starts reaching out to my friends/coworkers (3 of them). She did not have a preexisting relationship with them, so it does not fit the norm. Why try to enter in my social group after saying no? Why does she always give me a strange response when I invite her, but she is straight forward with my friends/coworkers, even the married male coworker.

[JacksonWest]

it is like my life is fair game.... wants to know about my dating life....wants to be around my friends/coworkers... but, not the other way around.

[JacksonWest]

Well, I talked to her... The ex is not in the picture anymore. She is single. She does not date people from the same institution, so it is not going to happen. She tried it once, but it did not go well. I quite possibly have the worst wingman ever. Back when she asked about my dating life, apparently my coworker was trying to get information about her. It came off of as creepy, so she changed the topic to my dating life. It still does not explain why she gets nervous when she sees me on campus. It still does not explain why she wants input on where I work, if I do leave. I don't get why she eats off of my plate or any of that. I do now have the phone number though. But, yeah....pretty humiliating.

[elaine567]

When she declined your offer of a date, she then friend-zoned you.

She thought you knew that the two of you were "just friends" so she could let down her guard a bit, she took you and your friends into her social group.

As there was nothing whatsoever "going on", she feels she can take an interest in you, she can eat off your plate, she can take a bit of a liberty, as you are just a friend, you are "safe".

 

YOU, however, took that friendliness as meaning she was into you.

Women tend to like having totally platonic guy friends, men not so much, Men often have an agenda, therefore you thought that she had an agenda, when she genuinely didn't, she was just being "friendly".

[JacksonWest]

She never really let her guard down though. I see her in town with her friends and she would nervously go the other way. When we had an institutional wide meeting, she got nervous and went the other way. That is the confusing part. Why be nervous about a friend? I have an ex that I consider to be a friend and we are friendly, but she never acts like that. I see her she says hi..

 

Two of my female coworkers got a good glimpse into it and asked me what that was all about. She was very awkward when she saw me, like secretive that we talk and hang out.

 

The food thing is just weird. In the industry I work in, most of my friends are females. They may grab something off of my plate from time to time, but this is like my stuff is fair game. As my one coworker asked the one time we hung out, "did you eat any of your fries". I didn't offer...she just ate.

[JacksonWest]

And probably the weirdest is why she wants to determine where I should work. She has mentioned a place a couple of times that is the closest institution to where we live, but also where her friends are at. I never said I was looking for another job, but she has brought it up.

[Tread Carefully]

She's taking care of you. Because she cares about you. Think about that.

[Imported]

Sometimes when you think a girl is looking at you and checking you out, she's actually looking at the guy behind you or maybe at the clock on the wall to see what time it is.

 

Everything she has done seems to be open to interpretation and your interpretation is there is something there. That's good. It's good for your ego and helps with you having the confidence to go for it. And maybe you're right sometimes or maybe you were wrong, but it still works out. Or maybe you're wrong and should just accept it and move on and not further filter her actions through your mind rationalizing it to be what you want.

 

I think you've made your intentions clear and she is aware of your feelings. She is not reciprocating. If she were interested, she'd be interested. Her behavior is her behavior, you thinking it's strange, nervous and shy because she is attracted is you rationalizing. You should move on.

[JacksonWest]

Well, I thought I would be on here longer than this, but I will probably be leaving this site. Just at a total loss of words. Ironically, I wasn't interested at first. I had a lot of family health issues going on and battled depression last year and was fine being a friend. I invited her to things, purely as a friend at the beginning. I am known to be an "includer". That was it. Then, I saw these things she was doing...All of a sudden, the places I went, she was going to as well. I started seeing her on Tuesday events and then the Thursday events I had never seen her at. I had her coworkers asking about me. During our institution wide meetings, she was the one sliding over to come over to talk to me, blush, visibly shake and then not be able to say anything. Somebody pointed out that she was watching me, and she was. Then, I started to think about the possibility. We talked a little more, she seemed nice and we were having fun, so I thought about it. Then, I did develop feelings.

 

It is out there now, people know. I found out today that people have been talking for months. One of my coworkers is friends with her coworkers. She disclosed that her coworkers were trying to pair us together last summer. I guess she had asked them if I was single and was talking about me a lot over in that office. She had a bad experience dating somebody from the same institution and said she would not date somebody from here though. I guess that explains their behavior and possibly why she does not invite them to these events and maybe the nerves when her coworker saw us. I don't know.

 

I work with almost all females in my office. I have discovered that a lot of them are pretty awesome, based off of their support from this situation. Five of them have hung out with her and I outside of work. They were stunned back when I first asked her out, when she declined. When she invited herself to my birthday celebration, after I had asked her out, they said they noticed the same thing they had before. It doesn't seem to matter now, but none of them seem to be able to explain it. All of them, all five of the females, said they thought she was giving the vibe that she was interested when they were around. One even said she was sort of possessive of me when she interacted around them.

 

I am not like a lot of guys. I don't have the confidence to go up to many women to ask them out. More often than not, in my relationships I am the one asked out, rather than the other way. If I am the one that makes the move, I have had some nudges from people that knew somebody was interested. Between her two coworkers and my five coworkers, that is 7 people that thought she was interested. My confidence is actually just shattered. If they can't tell, how can I?

 

It is actually kind of humiliating now. I wasn't looking for a new job, but it is uncomfortable now. I am friends with quite a few ex's. Those ended amicably, but were not humiliating. I really don't know if I can face her again. It is just embarrassing.

 

This was my first attempt at a relationship in a little while. The last two relationships just blew up in flames, so I gave up until this happened. I just don't think I can try this again. Anybody else just think it is a better up to be single? So far, it seems to be easier.

[Tread Carefully]

Of course it's easier being single, there is no risk, no potential for pain. But there is also no reward, no potential for something even greater.

 

Choosing to remain single or to pursue love and a relationship is an extremely personal and individual choice and should be respected. But own the reasons why. Don't hide and don't live your life in fear. I'm telling you this from many years of experience. When you live in fear, fear wins and you are left empty. The longer you let it rule you, the harder it is to confront and put behind you.

 

You seem like a really awesome guy. It would be a shame to put yourself on a shelf.

 

Everything (almost) in life has the potential to cause us pain. Learning how to handle that pain now is what helps you learn and grow and helps you get through it when it happens again. Your lady friend is learning about that right now. As are you.

 

Don't let anyones negativity decide your actions or reactions. Every person has a choice how to act & react to everything life throws at us. You can choose to listen to the negative or the positive. And it sounds to me like there is a lot of positivity around you. Grab it.

 

Look, wether it does or does not work out with this young lady, I would personally hate to see you just quit. Don't quit. You deserve every happiness this life has to give you. Including love. Real, strong, healthy love. I deserve it too. Don't find out the hard way, like me, that you can't find it when you're hiding from the world.

 

I'll make you a deal, Jackson. You be brave and so will I.

 

You've come a long way since last year and the year before that. Don't go backwards.

[JacksonWest]

Honestly, I jut feel like some people are better off with a single life. I think I am probably one of those people. One of my friends wanted to set me up with somebody. I hung out with her, she seemed nice, she was cute, but I just don't feel like it. I am not going to even attempt that.

 

It is not going to work out with this one. I know that now. To be honest, I don't know if a friendship can work out with her. This was by far the weirdest one I have experienced. She gave weird/vague answers when I would invite, but started to encroach my social circle. She was always at an arms length. She made that decision to encroach my social circle after I asked her out the first time. Yet, she did not treat me as a colleague. She did not treat me like a friend. After I asked her out, if anybody in her group was around, she would go out of her way to avoid me and would get nervous. Yet, she wanted to be around me and my friends and invited herself to things. When her coworker saw us last Sunday, she got extremely nervous, like she got caught. I have no idea how to interpret that. I have other female colleagues that I hang out with and other female friends. None of them acted like that. When she got me alone, she opened up to me. I would have been fine with a friendship, except that she does not treat me like a friend. I was in the weird zone that I never knew existed. It was not a friendzone or anything like that. It was just this “other” zone.

 

Three of my friends that have hung out with us (all females), told me that I need to confront her about how she has acted when she is around me if we do hang out as friends later. I did not notice it, but they told me that when we celebrated my birthday a couple of months ago, she had a different reaction when our group was talking to a table of a few females who were also there watching the game. They explained it, but I was confused. Something about she was kind of blocking them from talking to me and changed her behavior around me. Not sure what they are talking about for sure. They just said to trust them. I am not going confront her about that, because that is out of my element. But, why does she get to impede me from talking to other females then if she is just a “colleague”.

[JacksonWest]

Still trying to decide if a friendship could even form out of this one and to invite her to things that we had talked about or just brush her off and go. If she goes, I still think she will display the weird behavior she did before.

 

Apparently none of my friends or coworkers were fans of her...like, at all. They didn't know how to interact with her. We were not dating, but when she was around me and my group, they said she treated me like we were dating. Just so weird. So, they will probably not like her being invited to things we do. But, I usually hung out with her more for watching sports and stuff. This isn't exactly a friendly city for young adults, so the options of finding friends are limited, but it isn't like she brings her friends around anyhow.

 

Talk about weird timing.... one of my ex's contacted me earlier this week... This was a year after I had talked to her last. She was the one that ghosted me... because she was sleeping around with somebody... Sounds like she is single again... It is like she knew I was at my more vulnerable stage or something and tried to attack. Ignored her though .

[JacksonWest]

This may be the best example of why I am confused.

 

So, I have not invited this girl to anything in a few weeks...no game watches or anything. Since we started hanging out, there have been two times that I gave her space. Both times, she invited herself to my invites. She messaged my coworker to ask about watching the game with us. The other time she invited herself to a birthday dinner I had with my coworkers.

 

Well, this is the 3rd time I have done this. It had been a month since I hung out with her. Again, I did not invite her to stuff, just staying low and avoiding her for a while. She emailed me a question about work last week. She never emails me about work, since we work in two different offices and she and works with a different part of the institution. I won't give specifics, but this is an example of what is odd about this. Each person in her office is a liaison to different offices. Her coworker works with office A, she works with office B and etc. I work for office A, not B, yet she reached out to me because she needs to get a few people together for an event.

 

She is friends with the people in office B, her outreach office, but she did not ask them or check with them first. Just me. So, she contacted me even though she works with a different office (she knows this). We have an association at the institution as well. I am not on that committee either (which she knows), so there is no reason to go through me. I answered her question and forwarded it on to the right people. The next day, I get a text message from her about a personal trip I am taking soon. She wanted to give me advice. So, both cases, she initiated the contact via email and via text. I literally just replied to both. I answered the work question (what dates would work for the event) and answered the text (that I already have a hotel set up and do not need her suggestions). So, it would appear we are on friendly terms. This weekend, she blocked me on facebook.

 

Now, I am confused. The girl can quote what I have on facebook. I am planning a trip to Iceland, magically she looks up information and is too and has an itinerary that wants me to follow for it. (Because Iceland is a place that all people from the USA go, especially when they a re cold blooded and only go to the tropics....). There are several things like this. I hate something, she does too. I like something. She does. The girl literally mimics me when we are in public (says the same things I say 20 minutes later). I am done inviting her to things, because I feel concerned for my well being. Yet, I am pretty sure she will contact me or my coworkers in a few weeks to get in contact. My coworkers all think she is weird and everything they have seen her do to me is inappropriate, so they will not be around her either. But, the girl is starting to freak me out. I mean, she emails me, then she texts me and then blocks me?

[JacksonWest]

Sorry for the multiple messages.

Edited February 13, 2017 by JacksonWest