Ghosted? Again?

January 11, 2017

Pill dear, I met almost 200 men over the years and I have never once ghosted on any of them. No matter their behavior toward me, no matter their issues, no matter how arrogant or cligny they had been with me I ALWAYS send them a message that I didn't wish to pursue any further and wished them luck.

Unless this man had to take a restraining order again OP there is nothing justifying ghosting. It's an act of cowardliness.

It really is. Thank for replying to my thread Gaeta, once again. I remember you helped me see things clearer this summer when the exact same pattern happened to me........ (we made until October by the way - very long story).

It's funny because I was complaining to my mom that the guys these days were cowards and ghosting all the time, and she said: "Don't worry my dear, men have always been cowards, they were also ghosting when I was dating in 1975" Don't really know if that is comforting though lol...

January 11, 2017

I actually agree with you to some extent here on LS. I believe we need to ask a few more questions before making judgements, jumping to conclusions etc etc Perhaps more input from the male posters then?

Of course, we rarely ever hear from ghosters themselves and those threads I recall were ones where someone either felt used, taken for granted or someone was messing them around. Whether true or not at least that was their perception.I believe (from personal experience and that of others I've known) that ppl ghost from all sorts of reasons-it's not strictly limited to losing interest/attraction per se! I agree in most cases it's because the ghoster invariably dislikes confrontation, whatever the underlying reason.

Yes and the problem is that we never get to know what was the issue. With my guy, I was being completely myself, I think I was caring and funny and not to clingy, I was interested in his stuff and thought I was interesting too. The only thing I can think is that I jokingly made fun of his beard the last time we talked.. That doesn't make any sense.

January 11, 2017

OP, I get why you're freaking out. Silence paired with lack of explanation will have that psychological effect on just about anyone.

But really the only choice you have is to give it some time before the picture becomes more clear. Either something weird or serious is going on with him that's affected his responsiveness, or you're correct that he's ghosting.

If it's the former, he will explain himself eventually. It's not necessarily fair that he hasn't already, but maybe he has some valid reasons or his priorities are elsewhere right now. And if he is indeed ghosting, that will become obvious after a few more days of sustained silence.

I know that it's torture to wait, but try your best to reign in your emotions. Keep the online stalking at bay and don't leap to assumptions. Also hold yourself back from hitting him with any follow-up texts. You've already made it clear that you're still interested and hoping for a response.

Thank you for your kind answer. I even took a screen shot of to be reminded this week to "reign in my emotions". I almost texted him yesterday but your help prevented me from doing it. I will however text him on Friday, where all hopes will be gone. I deserve an explanation and no matter what people say, I will get it.

January 11, 2017

I had the same thing happen to me twice from tinder, came on very strong had a great time, and then when it came to the point of entering relationship stuff, they ghosted. Once they knew they got me and had sex, they disappeared. I learned if they come on strong, its red flag that they will leave just as quickly. I know it sucks big time, i feel your pain. Get back out there again. He could very well come back around and act like nothing had happened. I'm currently not being ghosted but trying to figure out if the guy I've gone out for 4 dates is interested or not. Some guys have the belief that meeting on the apps is just for fun but anybody they are serious about they think they will meet only through the old fashioned way. Hopefully, I'm totally wrong!! good luck

January 11, 2017

I had the same thing happen to me twice from tinder, came on very strong had a great time, and then when it came to the point of entering relationship stuff, they ghosted. Once they knew they got me and had sex, they disappeared. I learned if they come on strong, its red flag that they will leave just as quickly. I know it sucks big time, i feel your pain. Get back out there again. He could very well come back around and act like nothing had happened. I'm currently not being ghosted but trying to figure out if the guy I've gone out for 4 dates is interested or not. Some guys have the belief that meeting on the apps is just for fun but anybody they are serious about they think they will meet only through the old fashioned way. Hopefully, I'm totally wrong!! good luck

Good luck too with your new guy! It helps me to see the world still turns and even though we go through ****ty stuff like I'm currently in right now, we are able to get back on track and be interested in someone once again. xxx:)

January 11, 2017

Ok... We don't know for sure yet that he is ghosting. One thing for sure is that YOU asked to see him and he said he will let you know. He hasn't let you know yet so try to distract yourself. The ball is TOTALLY in his court. If he doesn't say anything by the end of the week I would give him the flick.

I was seeing a guy about 2 months ago. I asked him out again. He said he would let me know. Never heard a thing. Leaving the ball in his court helped me let go.

There is no point messaging again as it will only push him further away as he clearly heard you the first time. If you feel you are possibly being ghosted then you have to save your dignity. If it is going to drive you nuts by the end of the week or next, you can always send text(not too aggressive, just to the point for your OWN sanity.

Also, I have learnt to rely heavily on my gut. I was seeing a guy for about 5 months. The last time I saw him before I left on a 2 week holiday, the gut feeling was there and I couldn't figure out why.

I messaged him a few times during the holiday to get one reply each time. He even messaged me asking if he should get a haircut once. I told him I missed him and got no response. 5 days later I was back home and still didn't hear from him for another 4 days, so I messaged him. Told him I got the hint loud and clear and thanked him for his total lack of respect for me. I got a long apology but I never replied. I cried for about an hour but then I felt relief.

January 11, 2017

Lillian, I reread your original post and caught the detail that he warned you he was going to be busy this week. That's absolutely not an excuse for him going silent, esp. after so much time not seeing each other, but it could be playing a role.

Even if you do end up hearing from him, though, I think it's safe to conclude that he has back-tracked on this relationship in some capacity. He is unwilling to give you consistent contact or treat you as a priority.

I almost texted him yesterday but your help prevented me from doing it. I will however text him on Friday, where all hopes will be gone. I deserve an explanation and no matter what people say, I will get it.

You're correct that you'd DESERVE an explanation but you might not be correct that you'd GET one.

If this is indeed a case of ghosting, chances are next to nothing that he'd break his silence, no matter what you do. Ghosting is a person deciding in a selfish vacuum "I'm no longer dealing with this at all," without letting themself be concerned with other people's feelings/confusion. It's a total shutdown.

I just say this so if you do text, you make sure that's not something that would make you feel even WORSE when you don't get a response.

January 11, 2017

I will however text him on Friday, where all hopes will be gone. I deserve an explanation and no matter what people say, I will get it.

You cannot force an explanation out of him.

If ever he feels like entertaining you he'll give you a generic explanation such as it's not you it's me blahblah.

I know it's hard to move on from this but waiting for an explanation or closure is just delaying getting back on your feet and over this. When my bf of 6 months ghosted on me I wanted an explanation and I didn't move on till I got that explanation. He graciously emailed me 2 months after his disappearance with : You are an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. His email did not give me ANY comfort or closure, it actually offended me even more than his disappearance.

Through the years I got interested in the 'let go' principal. It's an art that is worth learning about. If my bf left me today I'd be hurt a great deal but I would not need an explanation. His explanation would not in any way ease my pain.

January 11, 2017

Yes you are right about Tinder - I guess he must have logged in during Christmas Time when he was there - which isn't it a super good sign, that we agree.

I'm so disappointed because it's the second time it happens to me in very short amount of time. And this guy was completely different from the guy who ghosted me this summer. My new guys was older, had a condo, a car, a stable job, had no intention to leave the country for extended period of time, was a bit nerdy, was in love with his nieces and nephews and was making dad's jokes all the time, I wasn't even fond of him at the beginning because he looked too mature. Jeez was I wrong.

read the book "Attached", it will help you avoid these types in the future...

January 12, 2017

Pill dear, I met almost 200 men over the years and I have never once ghosted on any of them. No matter their behavior toward me, no matter their issues, no matter how arrogant or cligny they had been with me I ALWAYS send them a message that I didn't wish to pursue any further and wished them luck.

Unless this man had to take a restraining order again OP there is nothing justifying ghosting. It's an act of cowardliness.

I can't necessarily disagree, I think it's going to have to be one of those things we accept going forward. Especially if women continue to place the burden of communication on the man.

I mistakenly ghosted someone before. It was really bad considering we were talking for a while but it was probably the best for both of us.

January 12, 2017

Lillian, I reread your original post and caught the detail that he warned you he was going to be busy this week. That's absolutely not an excuse for him going silent, esp. after so much time not seeing each other, but it could be playing a role.

Even if you do end up hearing from him, though, I think it's safe to conclude that he has back-tracked on this relationship in some capacity. He is unwilling to give you consistent contact or treat you as a priority.

You're correct that you'd DESERVE an explanation but you might not be correct that you'd GET one.

If this is indeed a case of ghosting, chances are next to nothing that he'd break his silence, no matter what you do. Ghosting is a person deciding in a selfish vacuum "I'm no longer dealing with this at all," without letting themself be concerned with other people's feelings/confusion. It's a total shutdown.

I just say this so if you do text, you make sure that's not something that would make you feel even WORSE when you don't get a response.

Thank you for your answer and intelligent advises! You are totally right.

I know myself and I know that to get closure and let go, I need to speak to him. Some people might not agree and he might not respond but this is who I am, and after 12 years of dating (I'm 28), I know how my heart and my head works.

January 12, 2017

I can't necessarily disagree, I think it's going to have to be one of those things we accept going forward. Especially if women continue to place the burden of communication on the man.

I mistakenly ghosted someone before. It was really bad considering we were talking for a while but it was probably the best for both of us.

I'm very curious, how can you have mistakenly ghosted someone? After how much time? Let us know! It's very rare to have the point of view of the ghoster, it might help!

January 12, 2017

Hi lillian!

I've been following this thread

I'm so sorry you're hurting, ghosting is an awful and cowardly thing to do to someone

Gaeta and someone else mentioned that you may not get an explaination...and unfortunately they're right

Although it seems difficult to fathom now, you dont NEED an explaination from him...you're own closure on this matter will come from within you. Never rely on someone to give you piece of mind. Thats your responsibility...no one else's

If I were you, I'd take my power back and block him. That way you're not waiting by the phone, day in an day out...waiting. Tbh, ghosters dont deserve to be heard when its convienant for them, nor do they deserve to be cried over

It's time to call the curtain and find your own closure on your own terms

January 12, 2017

I wonder which is worse... ghosting or the slow fade (with no explanation)?

January 12, 2017

Thank you for your answer and intelligent advises! You are totally right.

I know myself and I know that to get closure and let go, I need to speak to him. Some people might not agree and he might not respond but this is who I am, and after 12 years of dating (I'm 28), I know how my heart and my head works.

Take care!

I hate ghosters...

January 12, 2017

I wonder which is worse... ghosting or the slow fade (with no explanation)?

Slow fade... Its like dumping u bit by bit... A little every day... Giving u hopes every once in a while n then taking in all away...

January 12, 2017

Why do we do this to each other? Women do it too.

My life has been better since I stopped participating in the silly game of trying not to show too much or too little interest. If I'm interested you know it. If I'm not you know that, too. I don't believe in hiding my intentions or lack of them.

January 12, 2017

I wonder which is worse... ghosting or the slow fade (with no explanation)?

They are both pretty awful, especially when you are quite invested. Flat out disappearing into thin air after quite some time is probably the most cruel. Took me months and month of self doubt and anxiety to get over that one. At one point it had me questioning every part of my body, my personality and even how good I was in bed. I felt like an unworthy piece of sh++.

The slow fade is cruel as well and happened to me plenty of times, but you kind of have time to prepare yourself and pick up on the hints, and even cut your ties and keep a little more dignity if you get in just in time. As weird as that sounds.

January 12, 2017

If I think someone has ghosted on me I just leave it, delete their number and then move on with my life. If they get back to me then all good and well, if not then I've moved on it's ok.

You don't need closure, if he has ghosted on you then you have everything you need. I just started dating a guy who is incredibly busy. His workload till next Tuesday is insane. He told me this last weekend and I wished him good luck yesterday for a big presentation today. He'll be in touch Tuesday and we will catch up before I go away Friday. That is adult communication... No guessing, no heart wrenching over thinking. That's what you want. So forget the guy who can't communicate in a way that makes you feel secure and know where you stand. You deserve better. Move on go enjoy your week see some friends, enjoy your life. When you are ready and reinvigorated give dating another try.

I'm not saying you need the same communication as me, you need communication that makes you feel secure and content, in early days I think this is key (well really in all relationship stages)

January 12, 2017

Here's an old post I made explaining Ghosting.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/561619-ghosting-explained#post6688746

January 12, 2017

I know myself and I know that to get closure and let go, I need to speak to him. Some people might not agree and he might not respond but this is who I am, and after 12 years of dating (I'm 28), I know how my heart and my head works.

What do you need to hear to move on? That he lost interest from his own mouth? hasn't he proven that already? OR you think he loves you in silence and he keeps it all in and talking to him will somehow make him see the light and how much he loves you?

Actions speaks louder than words. What could he possibly say to give you closure?

January 12, 2017

This happened to me - felt like utter garbage for months actually, it feels like such a horrid rejection. Recovered and found a new guy that never left me in doubt of his feelings some 5 months later.

Keep your chin up

January 12, 2017

We run too much after closure. I used to as well.

We need to develop a different perspective to deal with such situations.

I agree to what Gaeta said. Also it your life. Nothing that happens in it should be controlled by or dependent upon the actions of others. You create your own closure based on what you think is best for you.

January 12, 2017

A guy who dumped me so cruelly, how can such a person be relied upon for anything good? How can I give him any power over me by thinking only he can give me closure and if he doesnt I am not strong enough to deal with it?

No no no...!

No outside person should ever have this power..!

January 13, 2017

Thank you all for your kind advises. I'm taking notes and learning, how interesting it is to see how other people think, and have learned from past experiences. That is how we grow, even if we think differently.

I'll let you know what happened after this week-end.

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