sanphilly Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 I moved country a few months ago and became really close with a friend of a friend. He was living here for a year before me, we’ve loads in common, same friend group and just clicked straight away. He makes me laugh, I love spending time with him and am attracted to him. About two months ago we hooked up and have been seeing each other since. Over christmas a few mutual friends told me to be careful as he is a great friend, but not the most reliable person in relationship terms. So I decided to talk with him straight out as we’ve been quite open and honest with each other before now. He said he just cant do anything serious and that maybe for the sake of our friendship we should keep it as friends, take a step back and figure out how we both feel. He was really hurt in a long term relationship about 4 years ago and just said he finds it really difficult to commit. Which of course, is not what I want to hear at all. That was last week and we’ve talked lots since, doing the whole friends thing but Im really all over the place now. I want him as a friend but I also want him as more and now dont really know how to deal with this. Im also finding that this keeps happening. Ive been single since getting out of a long term relationship 4 years ago and guys always seem to loose interest or just want me as a friend after a while. Without sounding smug Im not unattractive, have a good figure, just left a good job to start a masters, young (have just turned 27). Im really careful in not being overbearing or too available (I made that mistake before...), so what is wrong with me? 1
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 They find you boring after awhile.....seriously, that is a guy's own worst fear when in a relationship is boredom. That's usually why they become meh, not into putting in effort anymore, then fade. 1
kendahke Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 (edited) He was living here for a year before me, we’ve loads in common, same friend group Over christmas a few mutual friends told me to be careful as he is a great friend, but not the most reliable person in relationship terms. I"m curious as to how these friends know all of this about him but, seeing as you're friends with them, this information is new to you? How did this not come up in conversation before Christmas? So I decided to talk with him straight out as we’ve been quite open and honest with each other before now. He said he just cant do anything serious and that maybe for the sake of our friendship we should keep it as friends, take a step back and figure out how we both feel. He was really hurt in a long term relationship about 4 years ago and just said he finds it really difficult to commit. Which of course, is not what I want to hear at all. That was last week and we’ve talked lots since, doing the whole friends thing but Im really all over the place now. I want him as a friend but I also want him as more and now dont really know how to deal with this. Deal with it by stepping back and not investing any more of your heart, feelings, time and youth any further than you already have. That you have control over. If he wants to keep this strictly friendship, then you have to accept that he's not going to let this develop further. Edited January 9, 2017 by kendahke 1
Satu Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 It might be more accurate to say, "Won't commit," rather than "can't commit." Take care. 3
Whitestar Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 To be fair there are pretty good reasons for males not to "commit"... one need only look at this site. 1
spiderowl Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Who says there is anything wrong with you? You might be picking guys who are non-committal, that's all. He is making up excuses as to why he cannot commit. I know you really like him but hanging around waiting for him to love you more is not going to work. 2
basil67 Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Without sounding smug Im not unattractive, have a good figure, just left a good job to start a masters, young (have just turned 27). Im really careful in not being overbearing or too available (I made that mistake before...), so what is wrong with me? None of what you list are reasons for a guy to want a relationship with you. It's all superficial stuff. The bigger questions relate to how much he enjoys your company. Your ideas, your beliefs, the way you spend you time.... All far more important than your appearance and profession. 3
foxgener Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I moved country a few months ago and became really close with a friend of a friend. He was living here for a year before me, we’ve loads in common, same friend group and just clicked straight away. He makes me laugh, I love spending time with him and am attracted to him. About two months ago we hooked up and have been seeing each other since. Over christmas a few mutual friends told me to be careful as he is a great friend, but not the most reliable person in relationship terms. So I decided to talk with him straight out as we’ve been quite open and honest with each other before now. He said he just cant do anything serious and that maybe for the sake of our friendship we should keep it as friends, take a step back and figure out how we both feel. He was really hurt in a long term relationship about 4 years ago and just said he finds it really difficult to commit. Which of course, is not what I want to hear at all. That was last week and we’ve talked lots since, doing the whole friends thing but Im really all over the place now. I want him as a friend but I also want him as more and now dont really know how to deal with this. Im also finding that this keeps happening. Ive been single since getting out of a long term relationship 4 years ago and guys always seem to loose interest or just want me as a friend after a while. Without sounding smug Im not unattractive, have a good figure, just left a good job to start a masters, young (have just turned 27). Im really careful in not being overbearing or too available (I made that mistake before...), so what is wrong with me? Women often claim guys 'can't commit' or are a 'commitment phobe' when in all basic forms of communication it just means he DOES NOT WANT TO commit. That is all. He can commit. He doesn't wanna commit to YOU. Which means you are not commit worthy for that person. So one must look within. 3
Author sanphilly Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 Thank you all for the replies, its really helpful. I know it’s the best thing, if he is unreliable and wont commit then Im better off without. But that is of course easier said when you have feelings for someone. Im just struggling at the moment about what to about our friendship. I do want him as a friend, as I said Ive just moved and while Ive made friends, he’s the person Ive clicked with most and love having him round. I know he liked me and just wonder how he can suddenly switch that off too and be friends? He keeps contacting me and Im not really sure how I should feel or what I should do. Im being normal, friendly at the moment but what the hell is going on? Im also massively jealous because he is going to NY next week with work and I know a girl he had a fling with before has been in touch with him about meeting up. Which also makes me feel crap.
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Thank you all for the replies, its really helpful. I know it’s the best thing, if he is unreliable and wont commit then Im better off without. But that is of course easier said when you have feelings for someone. Im just struggling at the moment about what to about our friendship. I do want him as a friend, as I said Ive just moved and while Ive made friends, he’s the person Ive clicked with most and love having him round. Women are their own worst enemy because they let their 'feelings' make decisions for them. This man is a waste of your time and feelings, if you clicked than unclick it. Keeping him as a friend would not render you any service, he'll just keep you from moving on to someone better. You DO NOT need him as a friend, this is an excuse of yours to keep him around. I know he liked me and just wonder how he can suddenly switch that off too and be friends? He is not switching anything off. From the beginning it was just 'friends' for him. He keeps contacting me and Im not really sure how I should feel or what I should do. Im being normal, friendly at the moment but what the hell is going on? He wants things to remain status Quo, like you 2 have sex and there is no commitment. Tell him you need him to stop contacting you, you need space between you 2. Im also massively jealous because he is going to NY next week with work and I know a girl he had a fling with before has been in touch with him about meeting up. Which also makes me feel crap. Another reason to cut contact with him. If you don't know what he's doing than it won't hurt you. 1
kendahke Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I know he liked me and just wonder how he can suddenly switch that off too and be friends? IME, when I've done that, it means there was something they did that put me off to the point where pursuing them further was out of the question. They were cool to have around as acquaintances/friends, but they were not going to become my lover. It could be anything from something they said to the way they kiss to the way they smell... but as an individual and as an adult, I have the right to choose who I want to be romantic with and who I won't be romantic with. So does he. So do you. He keeps contacting me and Im not really sure how I should feel or what I should do. Im being normal, friendly at the moment but what the hell is going on? He's scaled it back to friendship with you, which is probably where his comfort boundaries extend and that's as far as they go. Im also massively jealous because he is going to NY next week with work and I know a girl he had a fling with before has been in touch with him about meeting up. Which also makes me feel crap. More than anything, this should be a loud message to you that whatever you thought you two had doesn't exist. If you can keep to the friendship and be content with that, then be his friend. Otherwise, you need to scale him back until such a time where when the subject of him comes up, all you have is indifference. Right now, you're not there and giving him access (using friendship to try to machine a romantic relationship) is only going to grind you down into misery. Just stop. Block him, tell your group of friends who didn't bother to pull your coat tail on him before you developed romantic feelings for him to not bring up his name or invite you out when he's tagging along until indifference is all you muster up for him.
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