With gf for 1 year and half. Now wants a break/break to find herself. What do i do???

[Thatoneguy101]

Hello All,

So I have been with my girlfriend for a year and half now. She's 23 about to graduate soon. I am 25 college graduate working at a biotech company for almost 3 years and going to post grad school work for pharm school. We live together and both have busy life's with work and school. We always try to spice things up by going out on weekends or going on random round trip adventures. We always try to go to each other's families homes and hang out especially during holidays. And yes we both fight like any other relationship but we always resolve them quickly.

 

But suddenly as of recent like this past weekend during our east coast New York trip, my girlfriend confessed to me that she wanted a break from me. She told me that she wanted to improve herself and wanted to find herself and said she never had the chance to do that because she has been with a man ever since high school. She tells me she wants to roam and experience who she is as an independent person and see the type of person she is. She wanted to see what is out there without any attachment even knowing that I let her go out with her friends all the time. I never understood what this meant but I had an idea.

 

But when she finally told me she doesn't know if she will come back to me or not, it finally hit me hard because I don't want to lose her. I love and care for her so much. We already had too many talking and crying sessions at the last days of our NY trip. She told me that we could come back or not but she doesn't know the future. I love her too much and went through lots of good and bad. We have discussed marriage and kids 5-6 years from now when we are fully happily employed with the field we want to work in. I eventually got to get her to tell me more details of what she is going through emotionally and says she’s scared of commitment. She talked about how she has qualities as person she needs to improve on and I do too. She talked about how she's worried I will be still in school not with a stable job at around 30-31 (marriage) and also she is worried what she wants to do after college.

 

Ever since then, I have given her the space she wants alone and time with her friends. Yet she still wants to connect with me via text or call because she tells me she cares a lot for me and worries about me (even though i won't do anything stupid). The day after, because i love her so much and care about her I told her I can’t be in the same place with someone that doesn't want to be with me rn. She sounded bitter and angry and told me to go ahead and do whatever I want. Then later she texted me let's at least try this for 2 months more. I ignored her all weekend and then finally when I had to head back to my place for work. I talked to her and she seem to show some bitterness towards me. She thought I had moved out already. I told her straight up that I understand what she is going through and she trying to find herself as a person and the chance to roam around. I told her if this is what makes her happy, then I will let her go cause I love her. I told her I am content and willing to put your needs first instead of mine or the relationship. I did everything in my power to try to get her back, but what is there more I can do? Should i keep fighting or let her go and if it's meant to be she will come back to me?

 

Everyone, I am in an odd situation and don't know what to do. What is the best solution or proper direction to take from this point forward to give me a better hope of being with her again? Should I still be supportive of her while I live my life independently or ignore her completely? I don’t want any resentment with each other.

Also worse thing is that we live together. I have been avoiding her as much as I can since I work 6-3:30 pm and class from 6:30 - 10 pm and try to go study somewhere until late. I go home on weekends too. I am doing this while I look for a place for myself.

 

Please any help would be great for me and my future with her. Thanks.

[preraph]

I think you should just let her go and find herself. She does need to. At some point, we all need to be on our own, support ourselves and rely on ourselves because it is the best way to really get to know ourselves outside the influence of family or mate. It needs to be done.

 

Now, I think you should tell her that you would find it easier to move on if you two were not in regular communication. Tell her now you need space to redirect your focus and life and that perhaps sometime in the future, if life brings you across each other's path, you will touch base then.

[Satu]

You should treat this as a breakup rather than a 'break.'

 

That is usually what a 'break' turns out to be.

 

I suggest this, because it allows you begin the process of adapting to the end of the relationship, sooner rather than later.

 

So as not to to be 'blind-sided.'

 

What will be will be.

 

 

Take care.

[fromheart]

Sorry that you are going through this.

 

When you want something more than the woman does, you have to back away. The absolute best thing to do is to move on completely, leaving the door open for her. Right now, she's wanting the emotional reassurance you give her while she quite simply plays the field. In what she's said, she's saying she would like to experience other men in a non relationship context.

 

I've traveled a fair bit, I've met many women who have someone back home they are having a break from while they 'find themselves.' Their exploration usually involves hooking up with men on a casual basis, as an experiment or to get it out of their systems.

 

Sorry to be so direct, but this is the reality of what she's saying. You don't want to be around for that.

 

Couples can go and do their own thing for a while, while still being firmly with the other person. You don't have to 'have a break,' while one of you gos round Australia.

 

Possibly, there's a chance of reconciliation but its not going to happen with you accepting the role of emotional provider, while she does whatever. She has to know that being alone is being alone.

 

Presently she has all the power and knows it. Thats not a good place for you to be in.

 

Walking away and going NC solves all of the above. Tell her she can contact you if she wants to get back, but you're not interested in friendship. Then walk away and mean it, go strict NC.

This protects yourself and is better on all levels. It might seem easier to remain in some form of contact, hoping that will get her back. But this is just breadcrumbs and will put you in a bad place. Get out of there ASAP and look after yourself first.

Edited January 10, 2017 by fromheart

[doyathinkso]

She's already gone. You just don't get it yet.

[Sweetfish]

This is code for she wants to have sex with other guys and play. She wants other relationships.

 

Dont be surprised she is in a relation within the month..

 

You will be pissed how she can cut your love so fast and be with other guys.. do not take this to heart its just her way of surpressing the hurt.

 

This is just what usually happens... every individual different.

 

I suggest you walk away like a man... the more cleanly you cut away from the relationship the more she will respect you and if your thinking of having a possible future.. the cleaner the breakup the better.

 

No begging or crying..

[umirano]

Yep she's already gone. There's nothing you can do, no magical tricks, no reverse psychology. You're not her romantic interest anymore.

 

Split up, go No Contact. No compromises. Delete and block her from FB and all other social media. Box up her stuff and have her or a friend pick it up. Delete her pictures. Delete her emails and texts, delete her number.

 

It sucks, I just went through this less than 3 months ago, but it's really the only way to go about it.

 

If it's some consolation: She didn't cheat (at least you don't know it), she didn't lead you on, she's open and transparent about it. Appreciate that, many people don't even get that.

 

All you can do is respect it, as anything else will only embarrass yourself. Do as we tell you here and in a few weeks you'll be a lot better, and you will definitely not have to look back at this in shame.

 

Don't call her, don't go to her school or house, don't check her FB, don't have friends or relatives feed you unsolicited news.

[Whitestar]

'Living well is the best revenge' - George Herbert

 

Start causally dating some nice girl and having fun.

[niji]

Yep OP, I was in a similar situation as your girlfriend. I had been with my ex since highschool until our last year of undergrad, and I felt stifled. I told him I needed to be on my own and do some growing by myself. That was NOT a code for wanting to be with other guys (I stayed single by choice, not going on dates, for the next 6 years). The difference was that I told my ex I needed to be on my own and he should move on, that I was not looking to come back to him. You can't both have your cake and eat it too. I respected him too much to put him on the backburner while going to explore what was out there - he's not a comfort pillow or a spot on a waiting list. I broke up with him for good and initiated NC despite his attempts to get back together. The sooner the cut, the sooner he could move on (and he did move on half a year later )

 

People usually don't have a "break" with someone they deeply love or care for; they stay and try to work it out. In my experience, I've seen that a "break" is a code for people wanting to do whatever they want (including hooking up) while not carrying the label of a cheater. Once they realize the grass is not greener, they come crawling back. It's a classic, classic case. I have no respect for people who want to do such things while still trying to string their partners (who still have feelings for them) along. They are utterly afraid that they will be alone (oh my gawd how can I be alone that's horrible ) and must keep someone as a back up at all time. I've heard people describe it as a habit, in that many feel the desire to be with someone, anyone, at all time, because they're never comfortable being alone. In that case their need for you is just that, a necessity, not love.

 

Seriously, no respect. I'm sorry you have to hear this, but I speak from experience. Please move on and don't allow people to keep you on the backburner. You (and anyone else) deserve much more.

Edited January 10, 2017 by niji