ldri Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Hello, I am new to this site - so hello everyone . There's this guy that I really like and what's happened between us has caused me a lot of emotional distress and I'm not sure what to do... We met at my best friend's wedding (we are both 25 years old) - I was bridesmaid and he is the bride's brother. We got on really well in the evening do, had a dance and I 'pursued' him, and we ended up making out outside in the wedding venue's gazebo. He wanted to sleep with me but I said no (bad time of the month so I couldn't). The next morning at breakfast, I was sitting with his family and he was coming up to me, starting convos etc and later that evening, he added me on facebook and was messaging me and he asked me out - i was thrilled. We had a date about 3 weeks later - he took me out for drinks, he was kissing me, it went so well that I invited him back to my place - neither of us have slept with anyone before, so whilst I invited him back, I made it clear I didn't want anything happening yet as I really liked him and wanted to take it seriously/slowly. He was ok with that, but as soon as we got to my place, he was really uncomfortable and quiet and untalkative, this behaviour continued the next morning and I tried to get him talking/make sure he was ok/happy/comfy to no avail. He did cuddle me in bed though. A week later, he came round and told me he just wanted to be friends as 'he's not ready' for more. I asked him why and he didn't answer me, but we continued to hang out and he would be flirting with me (no kissing), just compliments and being tactile and hugging me. I was gutted when he said he just wanted to be friends and I'm having a hard time accepting it... He's now gone away for a couple of months and occasionally messages me (once a week). I found out from his sister that whilst he's never slept with anyone before (neither have I), when he tried to sleep with his previous ex girlfriend, he was so nervous that he couldn't perform which led to her cheating on him and sleeping with someone else instead. He was really hurt by her behaviour and it explains why he became uncomfortable when he slept over at mine. He's also been messed around by a lot of girls and hasn't had the best experience with them and really wants a girlfriend. Apparently his father was furious at him for telling me he just wanted to be friends... his entire family wanted us both to get together. My dilemma is - when he gets back from his trip - should i attempt to try and get out of this friend-zone with him as I really really like him... it's causing me so much heartache being in this friendzone as we get on so well and he wants a girlfriend but he doesn't want to get hurt... or is it the case that if a guy says 'he's not ready' - what he really means, he wants a relationship, just not with 'me'. I just don't understand why he asked me out, kissed me, after we hooked up at the wedding only to just 'friend-zone' me :S. Don't know whether to try one more time or cut my losses/cut contact. Thanks 1
BDJ_1 Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Given all of that, why did he try to sleep with you the first night you met him? 1
Author ldri Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 His dad has suggested one night stands to him to try and get 'losing his virginity' out of the way so it doesn't become such a big deal when it comes to 'performing' in the bedroom with girlfriends/in relationships i think. 1
Larryville Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 'he's not ready' - what he really means, he wants a relationship, just not with 'me'. Exactly! That’s easy don’t waste your time. Never chase after someone who (especially women) does not choose you. 1
Author ldri Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 then why did he ask me out in the first place and message me continuously for weeks on end after we had already met/hooked up? :S I thought he liked me... his sister said he was keen and his parents wanted us to get together...(I've known the family for years). 1
Larryville Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 (edited) then why did he ask me out in the first place and message me continuously for weeks on end after we had already met/hooked up? :S I thought he liked me... I wish it were possible to know how many women have posted ^ and in the long run it means little. Unless I’m missing something YOU posted: A week later, he came round and told me he just wanted to be friends as 'he's not ready' for more. I asked him why and he didn't answer me, but we continued to hang out and he would be flirting with me (no kissing), just compliments and being tactile and hugging me. I was gutted when he said he just wanted to be friends and I'm having a hard time accepting it... Judge guys by what they do. Now if you choose to wait on the sidelines and let (someone who just may actually want you) pass you by feel free. Edited January 9, 2017 by Larryville quote 2
kidm Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 His dad has suggested one night stands to him to try and get 'losing his virginity' out of the way so it doesn't become such a big deal when it comes to 'performing' in the bedroom with girlfriends/in relationships i think. So his dad suggested he use you as a one night stand? Please. Don't listen to what his sister (or his family) is telling you. It means nothing. Focus on his actions. It sounds like his attitude changed when you told him you wanted to take things slow. He lost interest soon after you refused sex the second time. This means he was looking to get laid and since he didn't get it, he bailed. Texting you here and there, takes little effort. Also why does his sister know so much about his sexual history? Weird. 1
Satu Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 This all a bit complex with far too many people involving themselves. I would sound him out when he gets back. Just once, to be sure. Take care.
olivetree Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 OP, ff he was really uncomfortable due to performance issues, you telling him you didn't want to have sex should make him MORE comfortable/take the pressure off, not make him uncomfortable. He became uncomfortable at your place b/c he came back for sex, not hang out. He was probably wanting out of there. His family says he really wants a gf. He tells you he is not ready. As Larry said, this means he is not ready for a relationship with you. People say things they don't mean all the time to save face and protect other's feelings. You need to pay attention to someone's actions and look at the big picture. Yes, he might flirt with you, message you now and again, etc. But the big picture is he is not pursuing you, contacting you everyday (as someone of high interest would), or trying to be your bf/date you. Move on, find someone who is into you!
joseb Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 He wanted to pop his cherry. Probably hoped it would be less awkward with you as you are also a Virgin. Now he's off to find someone else willing to do the deed.
QueenDafine Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Sounds like he only wanted to do the deed with you to get it out of the way. He's not too interested in being in a relationship because that takes effort, and he's not looking to stay for a long time but a good time! Possibly only still in contact with you in case there's still a chance to hook up in the future without Strings attached. Don't waste your time.
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