"No Contact"

[Pugwash]

Hi folks (hope you all had a nice X-Mas and New Years)

 

So as most of you know I broke up with my fiance 2 months ago, for the past month she's been in a new relationship! I hadn't contacted her, nor had she contacted me since mid December.

 

Anyhow I was out having a few drinks with friends yesterday and I had a missed call on my phone! So without checking who it was (I deleted her number) called back and it was my ex.

 

She rang me to see how I'm doing despite her being in a relationship, she then proceeded to say things like "I still really care about you" , "I want you be happy" etc then she cried for 10/15 minutes solid after I told her that even in 40 years time if I'm married that she always be "My Sarah" and that she will always have a special place in my heart.

 

I told her that I was disappointed she didn't meet me in person a month or so ago to get closure, she then text me "your mother always said we would never work out" "I wasn't ringing you to get back with me" etc which maybe so but she's too stubborn to actually come out and say what she truly means and feels.

 

Why after a month of no contact did she feel the need to ring me? She more or less admitted last night that the only reason she's in a relationship is because I broke her heart.

 

Any help or advice would be most welcome thanks.

[preraph]

You should take what she said at face value. She is not contacting you to get back together, but she probably feels bad about hurting you and I'm sure there are things she misses -- just not enough to make her want to do it again. And you need to tell your mother to butt out.

[Brittybritt92]

I have a bit of a different take on this...

 

 

She probably got into a rebound relationship in the first place to not feel any pain about the breakup. Unfortunately, that pain creeps up anyways, usually when there's not as much excitement in the new relationship.

 

Unless your relationship was really bad (but I doubt that since you were engaged) she most likely just misses you. Is it fair for her to contact you and tell you all this stuff when she's in a different relationship and you're trying to heal, no. In this situation, I think you handled it well. You seemed to have a realistic approach. But if this rebound relationship doesn't work out, there's a great chance she'll reach out again. Be prepared for that, and for what your next move will be.

 

I won't tell you what I think you should do, as it's your path and your life. But I will say that if she has been willing to do all of this to you and her current relationship she's in, she'll just keep doing it-- seems like she doesn't care about other people's feelings and can't approach them with a certain level of maturity...

 

Best of luck!!

[keiji]

I went through a similar episode last January. She was in a rebound relationship, which I didn't know back then, but she reached out around Christmas. A few days later she came to my place all teary and trembling, saying how much she loved me, how much it ached to think about me and how she'd gone on a couple of dates with some guy who was just her last resort to try to forget me. It seemed I had everything in my favor to get her back, and guess what: I didn't. Actually, I'm pretty sure her then-rebound is now her fiancee or will soon be.

 

I know every story is different, but come to think of it: if you were the dumper and wanted this girl back, would you play weird and confusing mind-games or would you be straightforward and ask her to try again lest she found someone else while you were beating around the bush? Wouldn't you spare yourself the suffering when all you want is to be with her?

 

She's probably not happy with the new guy, at least not entirely happy, but I think if she had any intentions to rekindle your relationship, she would have made a move already. Guilt probably plays a role there too. Those messages and phone calls are rarely beneficial to the receiver. Don't let it set your brain in light-speed mode. If she ever wants you back, she'll express it very clearly.

[PegNosePete]

Why after a month of no contact did she feel the need to ring me?

Let me reframe this question for you.

 

Why after 1 month of NC do you feel the need to analyze her actions and motivations for ringing you?

 

She rang you because she wanted to. Because she wanted validation, attention, to know that you're not completely broken. To know that you still care for her and that if things with the new BF don't work out, you'll be there to pick up the pieces and reminisce about the past and be a shoulder for her to cry on (but no more than that).

 

If you know what's good for you then you'll get back on the NC horse. Next time she rings, don't answer, and don't call back.

[Pugwash]

Thanks for the all replies, very much appreciated.

 

It was only 4 weeks ago that she told me she was still madly in love with me, still heartbroken and that she always will love me! She had been in a new relationship a few days at this stage.

 

My point is, I hadn't made any contact and basically just let her go (it was me who dumped her 2 months ago)

 

We talked for a good hour Sunday night and I told her why I broke up with her, basically since my dad died I haven't been "ME" and her constant nagging just all got on top of me and I pulled the trigger on our relationship.

 

She cried and cried pouring her feelings out for me and then suddenly when we decided we should talk sober! We text for a few minutes and she was like "Oh I wasn't ringing you to get back with me" yet at every stage when I said something our past relationship and how she will always be "My Sarah" (corny way of saying she will always be in my heart ) she cried non stop!

 

I was subjected to "I will always love you, I will always care about you, I will always miss you" blah blah blah yet she's in a new relationship, I'm sorry but you don't do that.

 

As one poster said, this girl is the most stubborn person I have ever met! The day one month ago she told me she was still heartbroken and madly in love with me, I offered her an olive branch to speak in person and she agreed but never followed through with it because she knows it would go against her principles.

 

She even told me she would ring me yesterday!!! But I knew she wouldn't because she would rather be "fake happy" pretending to fool everyone, just like she's fooling her new partner instead of just admitted she still loves me and what she's doing doesn't feel right.

 

I'm sorry for the rant, but this girl only cares about her own feelings, she wouldn't feel any guilt on how she's sneaking behind her boyfriends back.

[PegNosePete]

this girl only cares about her own feelings, she wouldn't feel any guilt on how she's sneaking behind her boyfriends back.

Right, so why do you want someone like that in your life?

[Pugwash]

Right, so why do you want someone like that in your life?

 

I never said I did mate?

 

I went about my business of no contact for a month until she rang me on Sunday?

[keiji]

I never said I did mate?

 

I went about my business of no contact for a month until she rang me on Sunday?

 

You didn't, but it's obvious that you care. Otherwise you wouldn't be wondering about her motivations, and unless you've fully healed, every time she reaches out/plays these games, your brain will start playing tricks.

 

What you're telling reminds me a lot of my experience with my last ex-girlfriend . I don't think any good will come out of this. Don't let her use you for comfort when things aren't looking good with her boyfriend.

[PegNosePete]

I never said I did mate?

 

I went about my business of no contact for a month until she rang me on Sunday?

In your original post and your subsequent update. You listened to her pouring her guts out, you told her all that mushy "My Sarah" stuff. These actions tell us 100% that you want her in your life. If you wanted her GONE then she would be GONE. Whether she called you or not she would be GONE and you wouldn't even he thinking about her, you wouldn't be asking how to deal with the situation, you wouldn't even be here...

[Pugwash]

In your original post and your subsequent update. You listened to her pouring her guts out, you told her all that mushy "My Sarah" stuff. These actions tell us 100% that you want her in your life. If you wanted her GONE then she would be GONE. Whether she called you or not she would be GONE and you wouldn't even he thinking about her, you wouldn't be asking how to deal with the situation, you wouldn't even be here...

 

I do care about her, I'm still in love with her!

 

It doesn't mean I'm going to try win her back? I was content to ignore her and no make any contact, yet she felt the need to ring me Sunday? Which has completely messed up my mind!

[jamili]

In your original post and your subsequent update. You listened to her pouring her guts out, you told her all that mushy "My Sarah" stuff. These actions tell us 100% that you want her in your life. If you wanted her GONE then she would be GONE. Whether she called you or not she would be GONE and you wouldn't even he thinking about her, you wouldn't be asking how to deal with the situation, you wouldn't even be here...

 

And, if I'm understanding the way this all works, this is the only way she would actually legitimately want to come back anyways.

[PegNosePete]

I was content to ignore her and no make any contact, yet she felt the need to ring me Sunday? Which has completely messed up my mind!

You're acting as though you did nothing wrong here. You're acting as though you were doing perfectly fine but then she came along and messed it all up by ringing you.

 

No. You were a very willing participant in that and therefore you were totally complicit in messing up your own mind. What messed it all up is the big long outpouring of emotion that you had with her. The conversation, the saying of mushy things, the emotional connection that you're building up with her. At this point you shouldn't be building up the emotional connection, you should be tearing it down. That means NO more talking mush with her. If as you say you want her out of your life, then you need to take action to make that happen.

[Pugwash]

You didn't, but it's obvious that you care. Otherwise you wouldn't be wondering about her motivations, and unless you've fully healed, every time she reaches out/plays these games, your brain will start playing tricks.

 

What you're telling reminds me a lot of my experience with my last ex-girlfriend . I don't think any good will come out of this. Don't let her use you for comfort when things aren't looking good with her boyfriend.

 

I broke up with her because she demanded far too much from me, then she backtracked and told me she would change when I finished with her.

 

I needed space and in that time she begged me to get back with her, when I wasn't ready.

 

Now on Sunday she went and rang me, completely poured her heart out to me and now she's backtracked AGAIN pretended to have just called to see how I was doing, when in truth it was her telling she was still in love with me?!!!!!

[Pugwash]

You're acting as though you did nothing wrong here. You're acting as though you were doing perfectly fine but then she came along and messed it all up by ringing you.

 

No. You were a very willing participant in that and therefore you were totally complicit in messing up your own mind. What messed it all up is the big long outpouring of emotion that you had with her. The conversation, the saying of mushy things, the emotional connection that you're building up with her. At this point you shouldn't be building up the emotional connection, you should be tearing it down. That means NO more talking mush with her. If as you say you want her out of your life, then you need to take action to make that happen.

 

I was drinking, hence why I let my guard down!

[keiji]

I broke up with her because she demanded far too much from me, then she backtracked and told me she would change when I finished with her.

 

I needed space and in that time she begged me to get back with her, when I wasn't ready.

 

Now on Sunday she went and rang me, completely poured her heart out to me and now she's backtracked AGAIN pretended to have just called to see how I was doing, when in truth it was her telling she was still in love with me?!!!!!

 

Good, but then it means the tables have turned, so now it's you who's in a disadvantageous position and therefore you must protect yourself.

[Pugwash]

So a quick update, I sent a short message to be ex this morning and just said "your phone call on Sunday has knocked me for six"

 

She has since text me and tried to call me, but I never answered or replied since our few texts earlier this afternoon.

[divegrl]

I'm so sorry you're have to go through this confusion. It must be very hurtful and emotional draining. Please read the No Contact Guide pinned to the top of this forum and stop the madness.

 

My heart hurts with you. Hugs.

[Pugwash]

So yeah it's been extremely difficult to not contact my ex, since she rang and text me yesterday.

 

I've remained strong but its still very tough.

 

I've thought about her all day and I do miss her if only she hadn't of rang me Sunday I'd be fine

 

I still know I won't try win her back, nor are we ever going to get back together so I know i'll be fine in time.

[mightycpa]

I was subjected to "I will always love you, I will always care about you, I will always miss you" blah blah blah

Poor dumper.

yet she's in a new relationship, I'm sorry but you don't do that.

Who are you to judge what she does? If you don't like it, tell her so. Why tell us?

I'm sorry for the rant, but this girl only cares about her own feelings, she wouldn't feel any guilt on how she's sneaking behind her boyfriends back.

And? So what?

 

You should really examine your motives in posting all this on here. What do you care? How does this affect you in any way?

 

You know, if you were serious about not hearing from her, you'd block her calls, send her email address directly to TRASH and block her on social media. But the fact that you're posting here to gain some insight into her actions? Why? Either it's a waste of everybody's time, mostly yours, or you have some unresolved issues regarding her that we might be able to help with.

 

So let's be honest with each other. You'd do a lot better to give us enough information to shine the spotlight on you. I'm sure we'd be willing to assist with whatever it is that brings you here to lament about this girl. Maybe we can help you break free in spirit too.

[Pugwash]

Poor dumper. Who are you to judge what she does? If you don't like it, tell her so. Why tell us?And? So what?

 

You should really examine your motives in posting all this on here. What do you care? How does this affect you in any way?

 

You know, if you were serious about not hearing from her, you'd block her calls, send her email address directly to TRASH and block her on social media. But the fact that you're posting here to gain some insight into her actions? Why? Either it's a waste of everybody's time, mostly yours, or you have some unresolved issues regarding her that we might be able to help with.

 

So let's be honest with each other. You'd do a lot better to give us enough information to shine the spotlight on you. I'm sure we'd be willing to assist with whatever it is that brings you here to lament about this girl. Maybe we can help you break free in spirit too.

 

If you're going to be a prick about it why comment? It makes no odds than I'm the dumper or the dumpee.

 

I really don't see the point in blocking her phone number, I don't contact her and she doesn't contact me? (Well not until Sunday) we aren't on bad terms either, in mean if she walked by in the street I wouldn't go crazy or ignore her?

 

The girl I was engaged to rang me while she's in a relationship and poured her heart to me only on Sunday after a month of no contact.

 

I'm sorry I'm not hard as nails over this, but it has definitely messed with my head.

 

So much for looking for a friendly place to communicate with others god grief............

[Popsicle]

I have a bit of a different take on this...

 

 

She probably got into a rebound relationship in the first place to not feel any pain about the breakup. Unfortunately, that pain creeps up anyways, usually when there's not as much excitement in the new relationship.

 

Unless your relationship was really bad (but I doubt that since you were engaged) she most likely just misses you. Is it fair for her to contact you and tell you all this stuff when she's in a different relationship and you're trying to heal, no. In this situation, I think you handled it well. You seemed to have a realistic approach. But if this rebound relationship doesn't work out, there's a great chance she'll reach out again. Be prepared for that, and for what your next move will be.

 

I won't tell you what I think you should do, as it's your path and your life. But I will say that if she has been willing to do all of this to you and her current relationship she's in, she'll just keep doing it-- seems like she doesn't care about other people's feelings and can't approach them with a certain level of maturity...

 

Best of luck!!

 

I agree with this.

I think that whether you block her or not, you will suffer because you are still hurting and she is with someone else.

It sucks. I hope it gets better for you sooner rather than later.

[mightycpa]

If you're going to be a prick about it why comment? It makes no odds than I'm the dumper or the dumpee.

 

I really don't see the point in blocking her phone number, I don't contact her and she doesn't contact me? (Well not until Sunday) we aren't on bad terms either, in mean if she walked by in the street I wouldn't go crazy or ignore her?

 

The girl I was engaged to rang me while she's in a relationship and poured her heart to me only on Sunday after a month of no contact.

 

I'm sorry I'm not hard as nails over this, but it has definitely messed with my head.

 

So much for looking for a friendly place to communicate with others god grief............

Hang on now... don't get into a snit about it.

 

Having been a dumper, I just think it's odd you'd devote that much energy to how she contacted then responded to you. It seems like you two are still sorting out this breakup.

 

Without delving into however many posts you have already posted about it, I see two possibilities:

 

1) You were firmly committed to breaking it off when you did, making you a dumper in spirit as well as action. This seems unlikely.

 

2) You were motivated by your self-interest over your emotions when you did it, making you a dumpee in spirit but a dumper in action.

 

In this second scenario, she may very well have never wanted this, making you both dumpees in spirit. Think about that for a second. Neither of you wanted it, but you did it anyway. That's tough on everybody involved.

 

But who knows? The reason I say that is because of the tone of your two posts. You came across as being put off by her contacting you, yet you're here with that dumpee spirit asking what it all means. If you were truly the dumper in mind, heart and spirit, it wouldn't mean anything. So in my mind, the two things don't reconcile.

 

I'll ask again. Why do you care? What's the issue? Whatever it is, this is what you should focus on.... not what she's thinking, but what YOU are thinking.

[Satu]

It's OK.

 

You can drag this drama out for as long as you want.

 

 

Take care.

[PegNosePete]

if only she hadn't of rang me Sunday I'd be fine

So you're still putting all the blame on HER. Not taking any of the responsibility yourself. What if YOU hadn't rung her back? What if YOU had blocked her bnumber so she couldn't call you? What if YOU had hung up rather than listening to her pouring her heart out and talking all mushy with her?

 

It is YOU that's making yourself not be fine! Take some responsibility here rather than blaming others! And when you've taken responsibility, you can take some positive action to prevent it happening again.

 

I don't contact her and she doesn't contact me? (Well not until Sunday)

Err, yeah, point proven. She DID contact you. And she did again yesterday. This is exactly why you DO need to block her.