poindimie Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 I've been seeing this guy for about 1 1/2 months now, and we really like each other. The other day I met all his family for the first time, and everything seems to be going really well. He's very affectionate and I trust him completely. However, there is a HUMUNGOUS issue. We haven't been intimate yet, and the other night we were making out and were about to go further (this was the first opportunity for me to stay over his place, and he seemed 'eager' if you know what I mean), when he said he was tired and sort of stopped. I asked him if he wanted to go to sleep and he said yeah, and then a few mintues later I asked if he wanted to mess around (lol..pathetic, I know). He then said he can't have sex as he went through a bad time in his life a few years ago and him and his partner at the time did some regreattable things, and he gained control of his life through being celibate (Note: He's not religious by the way). I think it was one of the reasons he and his last partner of 4 months broke up, as they didn't do anything physical, even though he has sexually been with people before the messed up relationship. I was kinda shocked, but I understood. I really care about this guy and I thought it was so admirable that someone could have moral convictions so strong. I don't think I would leave someone I cared about for the reason that we weren't having sex becuase as corny as it sounds I sort of think love conquers all. However, its very hard as I feel like theres this big void and wall between us. I really want that intimacy, and am scared its never going to happen. I asked him if it was a permanent decision and he said he didnt know, but he hasn't been with anyone for 2 years (since the messed up time). I want to gain his trust, but like I said, I'm worried that Ill never be able to give myself to him completely if it gets serious. What should I do? Am I destined to be celibate as well?!! Im only young!!!! Everything seems so great except for this. And Im stuck, as I don't want to make him feel pressured to do something he doesn't believe in, but I also feel so alone.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 You should respect his wishes. He obviously doesn't want to make the same mistake twice. Which is good for you b/c it seems like he doesn't want to blow it with you. Its only been a month and a half. Give it time before being hasty. Good luck hun.
Author poindimie Posted July 19, 2005 Author Posted July 19, 2005 Yeah Im definately not going to put any pressure on him. I told him that I thought it was great he was sticking to his convictions and I was so happy to find someone that I could trust, particularly after my last relationship. Plus, to think Im in a relationship where you know you will still be their number one regardless of whatever happens and that it reaches beyond physicality is really emotionally rewarding. However, my only fear is that we will never get to be together. Im scared of being involved with someone so distant, and that I will always have that wall there. I don't mind waiting, I just don't want to be trapped in a cold relationship in case he decides to abstain forever. I really hope I can earn his trust so he can open up to me, but am scared he won't ever do so
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by poindimie However, my only fear is that we will never get to be together. I'm scared of being involved with someone so distant, and that I will always have that wall there. I don't mind waiting, I just don't want to be trapped in a cold relationship in case he decides to abstain forever. I really hope I can earn his trust so he can open up to me, but am scared he won't ever do so I think that's just a chance your going to have to take. Stay with him, see if this continues. If so, then he's got bigger issues than celibacy.
Author poindimie Posted July 19, 2005 Author Posted July 19, 2005 The thing that makes me think that is that he said he "can't" have sex at all, not that he wants to wait until it feels right. It's almost like he was saying he regained his sense of controlling his life from abstaining from sexual urges. Either that, or he has contracted something bad and doesn't want to put me at risk or tell me. The next day I asked if he did in fact like me, and he laughed and asked why I would have the impression he didnt, so I told him about the no sex thing and he said "Dont worry about that, Im just wierd" It's so confusing, but Im still so happy to be with him nonetheless. Understandably worried though. Hopefully things will beome clearer in time.
tanbark813 Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 It might be in your best interest to find out exactly what happened that caused him to decide to be celibate. It must have been something pretty severe. Maybe he's a sex addict.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by poindimie He then said he can't have sex as he went through a bad time in his life a few years ago and him and his partner at the time did some regreattable things, and he gained control of his life through being celibate (Note: He's not religious by the way). Hmm. This could be a moral stand (in which case it's admirable). It could also be an enormous red flag. I'd probe further - for example, what did they do that was so regrettable? What should I do? Am I destined to be celibate as well?!! Im only young!!!! Everything seems so great except for this. And Im stuck, as I don't want to make him feel pressured to do something he doesn't believe in, but I also feel so alone. You have needs too. Another good question for him would be how long he sees this celibacy lasting.
crazy_grl Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by poindimie However, my only fear is that we will never get to be together. Im scared of being involved with someone so distant, and that I will always have that wall there. I don't mind waiting, I just don't want to be trapped in a cold relationship in case he decides to abstain forever. I really hope I can earn his trust so he can open up to me, but am scared he won't ever do so Why do you feel your relationship has to be cold and distant if you're not having sex? The other day I met all his family for the first time, and everything seems to be going really well. He's very affectionate and I trust him completely. That doesn't sound cold and distant to me. I think the "cold and distant without sex" part might be all in your head. If so, you need to work that out before you get into a relationship, especially one with this guy.
Author poindimie Posted July 20, 2005 Author Posted July 20, 2005 Well, thing is I'm gay so my whole life I have had to supress my feelings. So I guess I have been looking for someone I can just be open with and not worry about treading on egg shells with. It's not really about the sex, it's more about the intimacy and closeness factor. I just worry that there will always be this wall there... I'm starting to think maybe he has something like HIV. In that case, I wish he'd tell me but I can understand why he would be hesitant to say in fear of scaring me off. It must have been something pretty bad that happened as whilst he is quite shy in some ways about sex, in others he is open (he's no prude). Then again it could be a moral thing. Its very strange. Thanks for your replies everyone, it's helping!
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by poindimie Well, thing is I'm gay so my whole life I have had to supress my feelings. A relevant point which you might have seen fit to mention at the beginning.... Supposing he is dealing with similar repressed feelings? Or struggling with his sexual identity? Or HIV, as you say? The fact that he is so friendly is a bigger green light than any level of sexual involvement. So that's good. But tell him you *have* to have a clear answer on why he can't. You'll accept and respect it, but you need to understand first.
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