Is there ever hope for reconciliation?

January 11, 2017

It has nothing to do with gender, it all depends on how good the relationship was and why it ended. To say that men 'come back' more would be a massive generalization.

January 11, 2017

It has nothing to do with gender, it all depends on how good the relationship was and why it ended. To say that men 'come back' more would be a massive generalization.

Agree with this. I used to do that in my younger years and realized in time it didn't work. So, out of self-respect, I never contact an ex anymore. Especially not to be a 'friend' or an orbiter after having been in a failed relationship with her.

And not every men ''booze'' or ''go back to mommy'' after a breakup. This is a sex and the city broader generalization.

Edited January 11, 2017 by Shanex

January 12, 2017

My Theory is: men dumpers come back because they are less likely to process their feelings entirely.
Generally:
We women go on an emotional bender after a break up. There is no beer with the buddies, and no floozy waiting on deck. Just pure raw emotion for months on end. We call everybody under the sun, ten times, to tell them what happened and how we feel. So, when that time comes to where we are done, we truly are done. No faking. For some reason, when a woman is done, she won't go back no matter what.

Generally:
Guys, bury their feelings. And then in time after numbing and running away, they want to go back to momma. That's only if they haven't found a permanent replacement, as in wife. And even then, some still will make contact with an ex girlfriend. Weird

I also thinks it's because women try until we can't anymore. Men on the other hand usually call it quits a little too early, thus leaving that nagging feeling of "what if".

January 12, 2017

It depends on the girl and why it ended. Actually, almost every girl I dumped, I blocked/deleted the number and never looked back. I was just done and never had second thoughts about it... but I've never been in a situation where I suddenly "had" to end it, like maybe because of cheating.

The only girls I wanted back were some of the ones who dumped me. Usually because I still had feelings for them since the break ups seemed to come out of nowhere. (From my pov) It's really embarrassing to think about how much I texted one of them

If you don't mind me asking the ones you dumped/never wanted to go back then why did they end?

January 12, 2017

My Theory is: men dumpers come back because they are less likely to process their feelings entirely.
Generally:
We women go on an emotional bender after a break up. There is no beer with the buddies, and no floozy waiting on deck. Just pure raw emotion for months on end. We call everybody under the sun, ten times, to tell them what happened and how we feel. So, when that time comes to where we are done, we truly are done. No faking. For some reason, when a woman is done, she won't go back no matter what.

Generally:
Guys, bury their feelings. And then in time after numbing and running away, they want to go back to momma. That's only if they haven't found a permanent replacement, as in wife. And even then, some still will make contact with an ex girlfriend. Weird

WAIT WHAT....LMAO

This is a big false.

Men on average..ON AVERAGE are individualist and do not have a network of friends or 1000 followers on Facebook to confide in. It is often after a breakup men will have less people to goto after the separation. He probably devoted most his time to working and providing. This is what guys do. Those men that have a bunch of football buddies who are tight and talk about personal issues is some fabrication Hollywood and commercials have created.

Yes, he may have a fishing buddy or two or have game night.. but men on average are not tightly knitted as you think. Man are more individualistic and competitive. Only in competitive environments do you really see men interact and come together. Why do you think men love video games and sports. They are competitive in nature.

Women call everyone under the sun because women DO NOT like pain and will try to resolve it as fast and efficiently as possible. That's why women jump into relationships MUCH faster than men do. Subtract cheating and abusers and women are usually the dumpers as a collective in all relationships or pull the trigger on divorce more often and have no problem moving swiftly into the arms of another man. 50% divorces are prompted by 80% women.

Your getting confused..

Women are open emotionally and men more often bury their feeling yes! I agree 100%

But women bury their emotions under stress and men release their feelings under stress.

This is why reconciliation doesn't work majority of the time.

Because the woman buries her emotions under a "rebound" the rebound doesn't have to be a male, it can be people(new friends) or an idea. The rebound can only suppress the feelings so long.

At the same token the males feelings have been unloaded and he feels the pain for months. He is not use to dealing with emotions as he usually buries them and will go thru various states. This can create emotional scars and if he recovers he will bury his feelings even more.

By the time the women's starts to FINALLY returns to the wreckage months later (if she does) the male has recovered or at least going to protect his best interest when his best interest original was the gf/wife/family.

If a male dumps a female under irrational reasons... he will be back within 1-2 months. If he does not get her back he will be scarred for life. If he dumpers her for a rational reason. Very rare he will come back.

Edited January 12, 2017 by Sweetfish

January 12, 2017

I was with my man for 4 years living together and he left me. I moved out and was devastated. He started dating someone right away and we were mostly NC but on occasion would see each other and say hi but nothing else. After about 15 months he started showing up where I was and then started texting me and then calling me.

He eventually asked me out for coffee then out for a drink. Then over to his place. We started hanging out more and more.

We eventually just fell back in with each other. It's now been over a year and we are in a very good place with each other.

It takes time but our relationship was a good one and crap happens sometimes. I always loved him and that never changed so I was willing to give it another go.

I think the time apart made us both really think about what we wanted in our life and that we work as a couple.

Sometimes it does work out.

January 12, 2017

I also thinks it's because women try until we can't anymore. Men on the other hand usually call it quits a little too early, thus leaving that nagging feeling of "what if".

Again, another generalization...bit offensive too!

January 12, 2017

My Theory is: men dumpers come back because they are less likely to process their feelings entirely.
Generally:
We women go on an emotional bender after a break up. There is no beer with the buddies, and no floozy waiting on deck. Just pure raw emotion for months on end. We call everybody under the sun, ten times, to tell them what happened and how we feel. So, when that time comes to where we are done, we truly are done. No faking. For some reason, when a woman is done, she won't go back no matter what.

Generally:
Guys, bury their feelings. And then in time after numbing and running away, they want to go back to momma. That's only if they haven't found a permanent replacement, as in wife. And even then, some still will make contact with an ex girlfriend. Weird

This is baloney.

Guys taken longer to process breakups but start the process earlier.

Women can just change their frock and waltz down the street. But down the line after several months of NC, the woman is forced to confront any lingering feelings.

Yes, its true that male dumpers come back sooner because it takes them longer to recover.

But, women can come back too as long as sufficient time has passed. By then, often the guy has spent a lot of time processing the BU and working on himself that he probably wouldn't be interested anyway.

So, its more about the timing of the healing cycle.

The picture you painted may be true if the woman was dumped. I agree a scorned female is very good at closing the door shut. But the OP is a female dumper so she isn't in that category. Hence, why she started to miss the relationship.

January 12, 2017

Guys taken longer to process breakups but start the process earlier.

Women can just change their frock and waltz down the street. But down the line after several months of NC, the woman is forced to confront any lingering feelings.

Men can just waltz into a strip club.

January 13, 2017

Men can just waltz into a strip club.

Im guessing you don't get the point.

January 13, 2017

This is baloney.

Guys taken longer to process breakups but start the process earlier.

Women can just change their frock and waltz down the street. But down the line after several months of NC, the woman is forced to confront any lingering feelings.

Yes, its true that male dumpers come back sooner because it takes them longer to recover.

But, women can come back too as long as sufficient time has passed. By then, often the guy has spent a lot of time processing the BU and working on himself that he probably wouldn't be interested anyway.

So, its more about the timing of the healing cycle.

The picture you painted may be true if the woman was dumped. I agree a scorned female is very good at closing the door shut. But the OP is a female dumper so she isn't in that category. Hence, why she started to miss the relationship.

I'm a male. I think it's more so the dumper, not just males or females who starts to miss the person, often times I see more male dumpers missing the dumpee than females. I think both the dumper and dumpee should heal 100% from the break up before coming back together. This allows them to really think of their faults. If the BU was caused by cheating or abuse, they should never go back. If it was caused by problems that can be dealt with like outside family issues, stress from work, etc, then theres a much greater chance they will try to come back. Many times I see the dumper try to reconnect, maybe grab a coffee or a bite to eat, but the dumpee has them blocked or completely moved on. The dumpee just doesn't forget the hell the dumper put them through after they dumped them. The dumper has to show change to the dumpee too...

January 13, 2017

I like this thread, so permit me to weigh in.

It would be impossible to standardize reconciliation due to the range of experiences and circumstances people go through.

For me, it took this recent, very messy breakup to commence with some soul searching on the topic.

My first love left me and went to Utah in 1999. I tried to chase until she told me she was pregnant. That one hurt a bit. 11 years and 5 babies later she contacted and wanted to leave her family to be together. I declined. I didn't need a full basketball team of babies.

My high school sweetheart and I parted in 2005. Never heard from her again. Never tried to chase her. She got married and now has a baby.

Wife #1 left in 2014. I chased her back (somewhat, we aren't together). She flat told me if I hadn't chased her she would have never spoke to me again.

The current exgf who brought me to this site? Read my thread for how messy that was. Last conversation was December 20, and haven't heard since. Though my friends swear differently, I highly, highly doubt I'll hear from her again, and I'm ambivalent about contact from her. For this one who stalks my page, lemme tell you how perfect life is without her. "May the urine of 1000 camels soil her bedroll at night."

I've had two professional, beautiful exgf's reach out to test waters. They were shorter term. One had ghosted me twice, I don't plan to reengage there. The other texted once a month for months until we were both in a place to move forward. We now see each other occasionally.

December 2015 I reached out to reconnect with the most gorgeous woman I had ever dated. I couldn't resist. We reconnected for a hectic month or so. French too. Damn.

So really, it depends. I hadn't even thought about this until recently, but the data isn't consistent. I will agree that six months from my recent breakup, I'm in a way better place emotionally. However, I do look back and wince at how I acted due to her games and nonsense.

Those feels will really get to you. Damn. lol

January 13, 2017

Male here.

As the dumper, I never once wanted to go back. Not even for sex, there was plenty of that in the green grass of out there. That's not to say that I always turned down sex if the dumpee came back for some reconciliation or closure sex. Not always, but sometimes.

I've been dumped three times, but one of those times, she was the "spiritual" dumpee. She didn't really want to break up, but I didn't give her much choice. So that doesn't count, right? Of the remaining, one, I never heard from her again after the night we broke up, the other, we talked a lot after but it was more of a long process of saying goodbye. I don't think either of us wanted to get back together, and I never acted like some of the stories I've read here. Self-respect, people!

Thinking about the second one, the last time I talked to her, she called me at a mutually agreed time. I'd met this girl and invited her back to my place and we were half naked and headed in the right direction when the phone rang. I knew who it was, so I picked it up and told her it wasn't a good time.

Neither of us reached out to the other one again. Oh, sweet memories!

I'm obviously on both tail ends of the bell curve.

Edited January 13, 2017 by mightycpa

January 13, 2017

It has nothing to do with gender, it all depends on how good the relationship was and why it ended. To say that men 'come back' more would be a massive generalization.

Exactly this!

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Is there ever hope for reconciliation?

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