Is there ever hope for reconciliation?

January 9, 2017

Hello, I am new here and as most of you can guess, I'm going through a break up. It's been about a month and I'm out of the depressed and constant thinking stage, but I still hope for reconciliation. After reading many threads on here, it seems no one has any hope for reconciliations. I believe they do happen, and more often than it seems on here. If you think, if you reconcile with your ex you won't be on this site trying to find advice and posting threads, and many other variables can effect possible reconciliations. Ex, the dumpee blocks the dumper on everything so if the dumper tires to reach out and notice they are blocked, they lose hope that the dumpee wants you back. I've heard statements by psychotherapists that most dumpers concider reconciliation at SOME POINT, but don't reach out because they have no hope of the dumpee wanting them or they are blocked. Yea I know that not every case is like this, but love is very strong. Sometimes the stress of a relationship blinds us and we just want to escape. I can tell you from my past, I broke up with two people, and after I healed and felt like I was strong again I tried reaching out to catch up and possibly come back but I was either blocked or they have moved on.

January 9, 2017

I agree that there's hope for reconciliation, sometimes. It varies a lot from case to case, but never say never. I've experienced a break-up two months ago, but now I'm in the process of patching things up with my ex girlfriend and we're probably gonna try again with our relationship. There's no guarantee things are gonna work, but at least we're gonna try.

It's true however, that the best response to a break-up is almost always to detach yourself completely from the other person. I'd the say the best way to set up a No Contact measure is to block the ex girlfriend/boyfriend on social networks (because you DON'T want to be obsessed with what they're doing) and shut down any means of knowing her/his doings, but to always leave at least one channel open so that they can reach you in some way. So I'd advise against blocking phone calls or emails. Because, you never know, they might want to come back at a certain point, and you might want to be with them once more.

Again, it all depends much on the reasons of the break-up and the way the dumper has behaved. Sometimes it's truly better to completely exclude someone from our life and leave them no means of showing up again; sometimes it can be a good choice to leave the door open.

Whatever the reasons and whatever the NC measures, however, it's always a good idea to not put too much faith in their return and do things for ourselves. It's easier said than done, because a part of us will hope for reconciliation for some time, but we must at least try. Try to refocus on ourselves and our needs, our well-being. If the dumper comes back (and if we want her/him back), then that's good; if she/he doesn't come back, at least we're already on our way to heal.

January 9, 2017

People do sometimes reconcile.

My own brother and his wife were apart for about a year when they were dating. They've now been happily married for almost 10 years and have two kids.

My best friend reconciled twice with her now-husband. However, I would not consider their marriage a very happy one. From what I observe, they never really resolved the problems that caused each split and there seems to be a lot of lingering tension and resentment between them. Neither trusts the other and they have little chemistry. I would be surprised if they remain married forever, to be honest.

I mention both scenarios because reconciliations can be successful, but both parties must be committed to it and work needs to have been done to resolve whatever problems previously existed. Otherwise, you just get a newer version of the old relationship that didn't work.

January 9, 2017

Hello, I am new here and as most of you can guess, I'm going through a break up. It's been about a month and I'm out of the depressed and constant thinking stage, but I still hope for reconciliation. After reading many threads on here, it seems no one has any hope for reconciliations. I believe they do happen, and more often than it seems on here. If you think, if you reconcile with your ex you won't be on this site trying to find advice and posting threads, and many other variables can effect possible reconciliations. Ex, the dumpee blocks the dumper on everything so if the dumper tires to reach out and notice they are blocked, they lose hope that the dumpee wants you back. I've heard statements by psychotherapists that most dumpers concider reconciliation at SOME POINT, but don't reach out because they have no hope of the dumpee wanting them or they are blocked. Yea I know that not every case is like this, but love is very strong. Sometimes the stress of a relationship blinds us and we just want to escape. I can tell you from my past, I broke up with two people, and after I healed and felt like I was strong again I tried reaching out to catch up and possibly come back but I was either blocked or they have moved on.

Please tell us what you did.

It will help the site by giving the dumpees here insight and we can better answer you question as every scenario is different.

January 9, 2017

Please tell us what you did.

It will help the site by giving the dumpees here insight and we can better answer you question as every scenario is different.

Well he had many family problems that would just stress me out, i always blamed him for being sad and never really realized it was outside problems hurting us. I realized also that I would never text him often, invite him over to my place, or make dates either. That's where I improved myself also. They begged me back which gave me power but they slowly took it back by cutting contact. I felt relief for a while until I started to think about them more and more, then realized the mistake I made. I broke up with one of them because of problems that's not our own and I let them effect me too much. I also made him feel unloved from my distance. I tried reaching out after, I'd say 11 months after the split and a few months of thinking but I was blocked and had no one to contact him. My ex before him was always choosing friends over me, but because we had such bad work schedules we only saw eacj other for about am hour a day and have one free day. I tried reconnecting but I hurt him too bad, and was blocked again. I tried dating after my current ex but no one made me as happy. We had low lows but very high highs. The problems are obviously fixable, but I ruined my chances by breaking up...I think dumpers concider reconciliation more often than people really think...most of my friends that dumped someone also realized their life was better with them later on, but the dumpee moved on. Of course abuse and cheating should even be concidered, but if there were problems that can be fixed, then I think coming back is very possible.

January 9, 2017

I agree that there's hope for reconciliation, sometimes. It varies a lot from case to case, but never say never. I've experienced a break-up two months ago, but now I'm in the process of patching things up with my ex girlfriend and we're probably gonna try again with our relationship. There's no guarantee things are gonna work, but at least we're gonna try.

It's true however, that the best response to a break-up is almost always to detach yourself completely from the other person. I'd the say the best way to set up a No Contact measure is to block the ex girlfriend/boyfriend on social networks (because you DON'T want to be obsessed with what they're doing) and shut down any means of knowing her/his doings, but to always leave at least one channel open so that they can reach you in some way. So I'd advise against blocking phone calls or emails. Because, you never know, they might want to come back at a certain point, and you might want to be with them once more.

Again, it all depends much on the reasons of the break-up and the way the dumper has behaved. Sometimes it's truly better to completely exclude someone from our life and leave them no means of showing up again; sometimes it can be a good choice to leave the door open.

Whatever the reasons and whatever the NC measures, however, it's always a good idea to not put too much faith in their return and do things for ourselves. It's easier said than done, because a part of us will hope for reconciliation for some time, but we must at least try. Try to refocus on ourselves and our needs, our well-being. If the dumper comes back (and if we want her/him back), then that's good; if she/he doesn't come back, at least we're already on our way to heal.

Nice to see a more balanced response, I'm a bit over reading the 'there's NO chance of reconciliation' or 'don't take them back if they do come back' posts.

January 9, 2017

abc0001, how long were you with your most recent ex? And were you the dumper?

You said 'most of my friends that dumped someone also realized their life was better with them later on, but the dumpee moved on

' Were any of those friends males? I've read some things on here and it's been a female dumper, I'd like to see examples of male dumpers.

January 9, 2017

Nice to see a more balanced response, I'm a bit over reading the 'there's NO chance of reconciliation' or 'don't take them back if they do come back' posts.

Yea man that posts are like that. I know what dumping feels like, many people close to me have done it too. I can tell you for sure if you were abusive or cheated on them, they're 99% done with you. (Unless they are ignorant) but many problems can be worked out. People are too soft and run away as soon as they see a problem. Dumpers do concider reconciliation...but the dumpees often times cut them off too much and move on before the dumper can really realize what they want. It takes time for dumpers to notice this because for a while they will be pretty happy...DO NOT CONTACT THEM! This will only give them the satisfaction of knowing they still have you. Power will drive us to keep you away. I can tell you from experience that the only way to get power is to cut contact. One thing that gives you power is being happy, I remember one day I saw my ex laughing a smiling on our mutual friend's snapchat story...made me think about him and miss him a bit. Some exes won't give a f*ck if you did something to them that drove them away like cheat or something bad. Just depends on how you act. It's ok if you beg at first, but stop because if they feel they will always have you, they won't want you. You want what you can't have...

January 9, 2017

abc0001, how long were you with your most recent ex? And were you the dumper?

You said 'most of my friends that dumped someone also realized their life was better with them later on, but the dumpee moved on

' Were any of those friends males? I've read some things on here and it's been a female dumper, I'd like to see examples of male dumpers.

January 10, 2017

You are choosing to believe that your ex doesn't know what she wants. Most people who break up will have a tearful reunion shortly after but then end up broken up again.

Don't waste your life waiting. It's foolish. Make yourself move on. She knows where to find you.

January 10, 2017

abc0001, how long were you with your most recent ex? And were you the dumper?
You said 'most of my friends that dumped someone also realized their life was better with them later on, but the dumpee moved on
' Were any of those friends males? I've read some things on here and it's been a female dumper, I'd like to see examples of male dumpers.

We were together for a year. We had low lows, but very high highs. Yes, most of my friends I am speaking of are guys. Guy seem more likely to be open to the idea of coming back.

January 10, 2017

You are choosing to believe that your ex doesn't know what she wants. Most people who break up will have a tearful reunion shortly after but then end up broken up again.
Don't waste your life waiting. It's foolish. Make yourself move on. She knows where to find you.

I think most exes that do come back, only come back when you move on. It's like they somehow know and they sense a mental trigger...I am doing my best to work on me. I've gone to therapy (not for depression or anything like that) I've been working out, and eating healthy. I feel better physically and mentally. I truly believe I most likely do not have a chance since he most likely moved on, probably why I started thinking about him in the first place...life is tough.

January 10, 2017

.most of my friends that dumped someone also realized their life was better with them later on, but the dumpee moved on.

We're in a disposable culture. Right from when we are kids, we're taught that things are to be used and thrown away, but never repaired.

When that's applied to other human beings, the dumper tends to forget that the other person is fully capable of healing, bettering themselves etc. (Of course, if its a form of abuse then that's a different story)

The mentality applied to material goods is often applied to a human relationship, and that's one of the biggest problems in society.

That recognition can come later, when the dumpee has moved on, healed and maybe formed a better relationship. Part of the dumper completely expected that the ex was going to be the weak, crying wreck they left behind, forever in the bin of life. The dumpee going NC usually is the biggest surprise of all.

Of course, some people don't ever put the work in and change and there is no hope of having a successful, intimate relationship with them.

It is possible for a dumpee to take back an ex. But the dumper would have to really put the work in to show that THEY have changed, and are willing to act in a more responsible way. I've rejected dumpees who have expressed new interest in me, based on that.

The dumpee might well have moved on by then, or not willing to go through the pain they went through with their ex.

Either way, a dumper must take responsibility for their decision and if they realize they made a mistake, to not be so rash in throwing another person away.

January 10, 2017

We're in a disposable culture. Right from when we are kids, we're taught that things are to be used and thrown away, but never repaired.

When that's applied to other human beings, the dumper tends to forget that the other person is fully capable of healing, bettering themselves etc. (Of course, if its a form of abuse then that's a different story)

The mentality applied to material goods is often applied to a human relationship, and that's one of the biggest problems in society.

That recognition can come later, when the dumpee has moved on, healed and maybe formed a better relationship. Part of the dumper completely expected that the ex was going to be the weak, crying wreck they left behind, forever in the bin of life. The dumpee going NC usually is the biggest surprise of all.

Of course, some people don't ever put the work in and change and there is no hope of having a successful, intimate relationship with them.

It is possible for a dumpee to take back an ex. But the dumper would have to really put the work in to show that THEY have changed, and are willing to act in a more responsible way. I've rejected dumpees who have expressed new interest in me, based on that.

The dumpee might well have moved on by then, or not willing to go through the pain they went through with their ex.

Either way, a dumper must take responsibility for their decision and if they realize they made a mistake, to not be so rash in throwing another person away.

This makes sense. It seems that in every case of a dumper wanting a dumpee, it's usually too late. I did my own little poll. I went on omegle and questioned 50 strangers. The question was "Have you ever been dumped? If so, did your ex try coming back later on but you have already moved on?" The total numbers were 34 yes, 3 "I have never been in a relationship" 2 people who experienced this as the dumper, and 11 no. 4 of these 11 said they haven't moved on. People skipped the question a lot, so these numbers took a good 45 minutes to get, if you are under 18 please do not go on there. This is just a quick "poll" I ran.

January 10, 2017

We're in a disposable culture. Right from when we are kids, we're taught that things are to be used and thrown away, but never repaired.

When that's applied to other human beings, the dumper tends to forget that the other person is fully capable of healing, bettering themselves etc. (Of course, if its a form of abuse then that's a different story)

The mentality applied to material goods is often applied to a human relationship, and that's one of the biggest problems in society.

That recognition can come later, when the dumpee has moved on, healed and maybe formed a better relationship. Part of the dumper completely expected that the ex was going to be the weak, crying wreck they left behind, forever in the bin of life. The dumpee going NC usually is the biggest surprise of all.

Of course, some people don't ever put the work in and change and there is no hope of having a successful, intimate relationship with them.

It is possible for a dumpee to take back an ex. But the dumper would have to really put the work in to show that THEY have changed, and are willing to act in a more responsible way. I've rejected dumpees who have expressed new interest in me, based on that.

The dumpee might well have moved on by then, or not willing to go through the pain they went through with their ex.

Either way, a dumper must take responsibility for their decision and if they realize they made a mistake, to not be so rash in throwing another person away.

A year ago i would agree with you 100% I had this belief system of we are a culture of dump the old and get the new.

After careful thought... i don't believe this is the case. I don't believe its a culture thing. Granted Asian-americans have the lowest divorce rate in the country, its not on the premise of polishing an old shoe instead of buying new boots. Its just more look down upon to be a divorce women in eastern culture.

I think we kind of merge the cultures with their compassion of objects and trade and merge them with relationships and come to a conclusion of this is why certain cultures have lower divorce rates..

This is an illusion or red herring.

Its simply because in these cultures women leaving the relationship were just at more of a risk. Economically, socially, and mentally.

Men and women are just different and men tend to hold on things longer on average than women.

In a way, being dumped can be a blessing. A LOT of men side track and do not improve while in the relationship and women are far worse. (NOT ALL ) We get side track.

Life is so complex now you can't walk out of school, find a women and just get married and the end.

It takes getting dumped to expand your mind and realize... you have many forces against you. 30-40 years ago it was joey down the road.. he was your compeition and all he had was maybe cool clothes or a nice car.

The world is retardly complex and now you really do have to read and learn and go on forums to maintain a healthy relationship.

Facebook, uber, whatsapp, tinder, co-workers, the guys at the gym or the the hot friend your boyfriend keeps talking to, you might get fired or laid-off. Child-support, food stamps, freedom to go to X party and Y club. You-tube.

Bills, bills bill. The kids crying and nagging.

All these things cut away a healthy relationship...

To be honest i think a lot of dumpers do realized they screwed a good deal on a guy/girl and they simply just dont screw the next guy/girl.. knowing they can screw up another deal.

January 11, 2017

To be honest i think a lot of dumpers do realized they screwed a good deal on a guy/girl and they simply just dont screw the next guy/girl.. knowing they can screw up another deal.

Yea I think a lot of dumpers do think this way, simply by the many "polls' I did with friends, family, and strangers. As from the info I gathered from my post earlier on this thread, many dumpers eventually start to feel the effect of loss later on. Most times they only feel relief at the first 5 months- a few years. After this relief and thinking there's someone better, but can't find anyone, or the people they meet don't make them feel the same, they remember how happy you made them, and their anxiety rises. They start thinking about you more and more. Their want for you increases. They will probably try to reach out, but many times the dumpee blocked them, moved on, or isn't healed. Timing is everything. Of course abusive relationships mostly aren't concidered at all, but if you two were best friends and at attatched, it opens some windows. I've been in the dumper shoes and missed my two exes (I only dumped two people in my life, have been broken up with once) after a while. The more I didn't know about how they are doing and all that, the more I wanted them. My anxiery rose and so did my desire for them. Anxiety is the root of desire. I still miss my ex that I dumped but I was blocked and can't reach out. So yea...it's tough. We had issues and I was stressed and unhappy at the end of the relationships and broke it off. I realized that the problems can be fixed on my end, but I will only come back if they are healed and improved. Both sides need to be healed and improved before either side can concider coming black. Just my two cents.

January 11, 2017

After the many stories I've heard about people being dumped, then having their ex try to get them back, it seems that guys do it a good deal of the time, while females seem a little more reserved. This is only from the data I've been collecting. I don't have any solid statistics figured out yet but I'm getting there I have also seen that dumpers seem to want to come back when we think (cheating and abuse should not if that's wha ended the relationship.)

There is something that kind of shocked me, most of the times where the ex tried coming back they were either A, blocked, B, the dumpee moved on, or C, the dumpee could sense they haven't changed their problems and turned them down. This is why I think reconciliation rates are so low. The dumpee just out grows the dumper. Of course this isn't how every break up goes.

I have been asking many people this question "Have you ever been dumped? If so, did your ex try coming back later on? Why didn't you go back?" and most people said because they moved on. Some other things here and there. It was shocking that I didn't receive many "No" answers. I tried making sure each person had a serious relationship, and if they had more than one, their ex would have to try to come back each time to count it, if not they earned a no.

I also didn't accept answers if they were under the age of 16 "couldn't implement these rules if it was online." I'm still gathering and my final numbers should be done soon. That brings me back to my question...do men really concider it more, or just a myth?

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge two threads on a similar topic

January 11, 2017

Honestly every ex or guy I've dated has contacted me later down the road.

I dont know if it's because men don't heal from things and just try to move on while women deal with their feelings and grief from a breakup more? (That's what I read somewhere)

Even guys I had one date with that just went "okay" or I was unsure, eventually they reach out. It doesn't mean I'm still interested, but they try!

January 11, 2017

Honestly every ex or guy I've dated has contacted me later down the road.

I dont know if it's because men don't heal from things and just try to move on while women deal with their feelings and grief from a breakup more? (That's what I read somewhere)

Even guys I had one date with that just went "okay" or I was unsure, eventually they reach out. It doesn't mean I'm still interested, but they try!

Yea I'm starting to think the dumper is actually more likely to want reconcilation later down the road, but it's just from the people I have asked, and what I have seen. I even wanted my ex back after several months, I broke up with him, but he blocked me on everything so I couldn't reach out

January 11, 2017

My Theory is: men dumpers come back because they are less likely to process their feelings entirely.

Generally:

We women go on an emotional bender after a break up. There is no beer with the buddies, and no floozy waiting on deck. Just pure raw emotion for months on end. We call everybody under the sun, ten times, to tell them what happened and how we feel. So, when that time comes to where we are done, we truly are done. No faking. For some reason, when a woman is done, she won't go back no matter what.

Generally:

Guys, bury their feelings. And then in time after numbing and running away, they want to go back to momma. That's only if they haven't found a permanent replacement, as in wife. And even then, some still will make contact with an ex girlfriend. Weird

January 11, 2017

Yea I think a lot of dumpers do think this way, simply by the many "polls' I did with friends, family, and strangers. As from the info I gathered from my post earlier on this thread, many dumpers eventually start to feel the effect of loss later on. Most times they only feel relief at the first 5 months- a few years. After this relief and thinking there's someone better, but can't find anyone, or the people they meet don't make them feel the same, they remember how happy you made them, and their anxiety rises. They start thinking about you more and more. Their want for you increases. They will probably try to reach out, but many times the dumpee blocked them, moved on, or isn't healed. Timing is everything. Of course abusive relationships mostly aren't concidered at all, but if you two were best friends and at attatched, it opens some windows. I've been in the dumper shoes and missed my two exes (I only dumped two people in my life, have been broken up with once) after a while. The more I didn't know about how they are doing and all that, the more I wanted them. My anxiery rose and so did my desire for them. Anxiety is the root of desire. I still miss my ex that I dumped but I was blocked and can't reach out. So yea...it's tough. We had issues and I was stressed and unhappy at the end of the relationships and broke it off. I realized that the problems can be fixed on my end, but I will only come back if they are healed and improved. Both sides need to be healed and improved before either side can concider coming black. Just my two cents.

This is personally why I'm not for blocking the person on everything post-breakup. I mean, unless you 100% never want them back or hate them. I think you should always leave at least one channel open for communication - like email.

January 11, 2017

My Theory is: men dumpers come back because they are less likely to process their feelings entirely.
Generally:
We women go on an emotional bender after a break up. There is no beer with the buddies, and no floozy waiting on deck. Just pure raw emotion for months on end. We call everybody under the sun, ten times, to tell them what happened and how we feel. So, when that time comes to where we are done, we truly are done. No faking. For some reason, when a woman is done, she won't go back no matter what.

Generally:
Guys, bury their feelings. And then in time after numbing and running away, they want to go back to momma. That's only if they haven't found a permanent replacement, as in wife. And even then, some still will make contact with an ex girlfriend. Weird

Exactly! Took the words out of my mouth. Guys often say things too five them a false ego boost, like "Yea I don't love her anymore" and "I don't miss her" and this will hurt anyone who acts like this. There are some cases where they feel this way, but if your relationship had great connection and lasted a while, they are just burying their feelings. Buried feelings almost always come out with vengeance. NEVER ask your friend to text your ex and ask them questions like "Do you still love John?"or what ever, because your ex will get annoyed, and get a free ego boost by saying no. Why would they tell your friend they love you? It makes them seem weak and stupid for initiating the break up. You should let your ex deal with their problems and improve yourself. Once you move on,

you may find them right back, but you'll have the satisfaction of rejecting them, or coming back together. Of course cheating and abuse will make your ex actually hate you. Don't have any hope if that happened

January 11, 2017

It depends on the girl and why it ended. Actually, almost every girl I dumped, I blocked/deleted the number and never looked back. I was just done and never had second thoughts about it... but I've never been in a situation where I suddenly "had" to end it, like maybe because of cheating.

The only girls I wanted back were some of the ones who dumped me. Usually because I still had feelings for them since the break ups seemed to come out of nowhere. (From my pov) It's really embarrassing to think about how much I texted one of them

January 11, 2017

men want sex more... go back to ex, get sex if they haven't found anyone else... then they leave again. women don't tend to do that.

January 11, 2017

There's always an open channel. I don't change phone numbers, I don't move, nor do I change my email address.

But these channels require an explicit effort from the contacting party, unlike social media where you can make people stumble over you.

I love email for that reason. When an ex contacts me I can take a day or a few to see where I stand and how I want to reply, if at all.

Sign In

Is there ever hope for reconciliation?

Recommended Posts

abc0001

Tyler_Tyrell

ExpatInItaly

Sweetfish

abc0001

MeadowFlower

MeadowFlower

abc0001

MeadowFlower

preraph

abc0001

abc0001

fromheart

abc0001

Sweetfish

abc0001

abc0001

Brittybritt92

abc0001

AT15

jamili

abc0001

Erik30

Fair

umirano

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...