No Contact Break After 4 Years Together

[LostConfusedLover]

Hi everyone,

 

I found this site after searching for some help online on how to deal with breaks. I can see how genuine and supportive this community is, so I'm hoping to share my story to get feedback from others who may have advice. I don't know too many people who have gone through what I'm currently going through, so any insights/advice is much appreciated.

 

My GF and I met while she was in college, and we are both each other's first serious relationship. She and I have been together for 4 years. For 3 of those years, we've been together either in the same city or living about an hour away from each other. I got a job in another city about 3 years into our relationship, and she decided to move with me. After about 6 months of living together, she got some other opportunities back in the original city we met, and she has been living there for the past 6 months with her family. So we've been in a long distance relationship for the past 6 months. Previously, we had also been long distance when she was out of the country for 6 months for an internship.

 

Just recently in the past month, she has been seeing a therapist to help her work through some mental/emotional issues she has been feeling. As a result of whatever she has experienced in those sessions, she told me around 2 weeks ago that she wanted a break in order to focus and fix her issues, and that being in a relationship with someone is not the best in order her to fix her issues because 1) she feels emotionally unstable and does not feel like she would be a good GF and 2) the emotional/mental issues she is facing surfaces the most in her intimate relationship (and not with her familial relationships or her friendships).

 

For that reason, she asked me for a break. She told me that she loves me and this has nothing to do with our relationship, but that she needs this break and space in order to start the healing process and find out who she really is (she doesn't feel like she knows who she really is). When I asked her how long she needs, she asked me how long I could deal with. My emotional response to her at that point was that I could deal with up to 6 months of a No Contact break, but that I could not bear any longer than that. She agreed to the 6 month break and said she may not need the full 6 months before she contacts me again, because she may feel like she has her issues sorted out (or on the right path) before the 6 month mark.

 

It has been a few days into no contact, and I feel incredibly hurt. I am going through all the emotions of a breakup. I am angry at her and confused as to why she would put me through this hell if she truly loves me. Why can't we be together as partners and go through this together? I could support her in other ways. Her statement of "I love you, and this break has nothing to do with you and our relationship" seems like a hypocritical statement.

 

She clarified that I am free to see other people and do whatever I want to do in these 6 months, because she realizes that she is the one initiating the break. I told her that I was not comfortable with her seeing other people, especially when she is telling me that this is a result of her needing to find herself, so she agreed not to see anyone else. She was adamant that the whole reason why she needs this break is for her to have her alone time.

 

When I suggested a breakup, she said she does not want to breakup with me, but just needs space/a break in order to sort through her issues. But she also said that there's the possibility that we may break up even after this 6 month break. The possibilities of what could happen are endless.

 

What I need help from everyone is, should I treat this as a breakup? I love her so much, and I am hoping that she and I will get back together in 6 months (or less). But the way I'm feeling right now, so down, so heartbroken, I'm upset that this came out of nowhere, and I feel as if I'm being punished for it. I've always been very supportive of her, and I was taken completely off-guard by her request for a break.

 

Thank you for reading and I appreciate anyone's insights/feedback into my situation.

[LargoLagg]

Yes. You are broken up. She's broken your trust and in six months, when you try to put it all back the way it was, you're going to find that you're just waiting for her to flake on you again.

 

So, NC, you can see whoever you want and she's going to go figure herself out, I assume under the same rules that you can live by? Sounds like a breakup to me.

 

The best case is that in 6 months, you're both madly in love and you go forward as if nothing ever happened. The worst case for you is that in 6 months, she tells you she's out while you waited hopefully. The worst case for her is that in 6 months, you tell her you're done, while she got her sh*t together. Why give her that advantage?

 

Don't be a fool. She can't guarantee anything 6 months out. Neither can you, nor should you try. She may feel the same way in 6 months, she may not. Do you really want to wait to figure it out?

[LostConfusedLover]

Yes. You are broken up. She's broken your trust and in six months, when you try to put it all back the way it was, you're going to find that you're just waiting for her to flake on you again.

 

So, NC, you can see whoever you want and she's going to go figure herself out, I assume under the same rules that you can live by? Sounds like a breakup to me.

 

The best case is that in 6 months, you're both madly in love and you go forward as if nothing ever happened. The worst case for you is that in 6 months, she tells you she's out while you waited hopefully. The worst case for her is that in 6 months, you tell her you're done, while she got her sh*t together. Why give her that advantage?

 

Don't be a fool. She can't guarantee anything 6 months out. Neither can you, nor should you try. She may feel the same way in 6 months, she may not. Do you really want to wait to figure it out?

LargoLagg,

 

Thanks for the response. I have been given similar advice from my closest friends and family -- move on, treat it like a break-up, and focus on myself and only myself during this time.

 

However, I am an optimist, and it is hard to just discard 4 years of history together that I have with her. I am also fiercely loyal, and feel that if I saw another person before she got in touch with me, I would be cheating on her, which is why I told her I would not be seeing anyone during our break.

 

I agree with your point that I don't want to be on the **** end of the stick (again) in 6 months with the worst case scenario for me. I'd rather come to peace with things, focus on myself, and move on if possible. But it is hard to do so when I still love her so much.

 

My best case scenario is that she gets herself together, still wants to be in a relationship, while I also take the time to better myself (for myself), and also want to be in a relationship with her.

 

I just don't know why or how I should move on.

 

I don't feel as if I'm done with our relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

What issues is she dealing with, that only surface in your relationship yet have nothing to do with your relationship? I have to wonder if she's having these "issues" because she no longer wants to be in the relationship and she's been feeling conflicted: you're a good guy, but she's not feeling it anymore and she feels guilty about that. (Just my speculation)

 

I think she is trying to break up with you but isn't brave enough yet to pull the plug completely. Couples generally solve problems together, not by spending time apart. 6 months is far too long, and it appears she would have stayed apart longer had you agreed to it.

 

As such, I would not agree to a "break" like this. I would consider it a break-up. You could touch base again in 6 months, but I would would wager she's going to tell you that you two should remain apart. She is correct that she can't give you what you want right now, which for her to remain your girlfriend. That's not necessarily anyone's fault, per se. However, I would not hang out in hopes that in 6 months she'll be wanting to continue where you left off. She told you that you are free to see others, which is usually the kiss of death because it means she's not afraid to lose you and doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. I'm afraid she's already gone, OP.

[LostConfusedLover]

Expat,

 

Thanks for the reply. She is dealing with emotional issues, trying to move past habits/feelings that she experienced since childhood. one of those things she's trying to fix is setting boundaries with everyone in her life. She also doesn't feel like she has a strong sense of who she is, and feels emotionally unstable.

 

I don't agree with your assertion that she is already gone, but even if it does end up being so, the best I can do for myself as the breakee is grieve (yes, it sure feels like a breakup, but she and I defined it as a break) and get back to working on myself, improving my self-esteem, and increasing my self-love.

 

It's been about a week since NC, and honestly I've gone through an emotional roller coaster from hell. I'm sure I'll continue to feel up and down, but I can't dwell on what she is doing, why she did this, why did I deserve it? At the end of the day it doesn't matter. The only thing I can control is me and how I use this time.

 

So I've been reading the book "Getting Past your Breakup" by Susan elliot and it has been so helpful in my period of grief. I am also going to see a therapist this week to help cope. I am feeling much better about how I feel, and realize that I Was too co-dependent on my girlfriend for happiness, purpose, etc.

 

I can only focus on me and my path forward. I'm starting to find peace in that, whatever direction this goes (makeup or breakup with my girlfriend), I know I will feel so much better about me and where I'm at in my life.

[Sweetfish]

This story i dont buy it.

Unless you left out some detailed information your not reading in between the lines.

 

This is your girlfriends first serious relationship... yet she can conclude that relationships are problematic at such a young age?

 

She is giving you a pass to date and have sex with other girls? Ummm. No!

 

Yet... she doesnt want to break-up?

 

Sounds to me she wants to lay down ground rules for her to play.

 

You know your girlfriend. You really think for the next 6 month she is going to do self work on her self? Is she going to improve her self? No, I think she wants a timeout from being tide down and this is her version of a breakup that won't hurt as much.

 

This is my personal opinion. She wants 6 months to find better... i promise you or their is another guy.

[umirano]

When you're free to see other people it's not a break.

[mrtango]

I am sorry to hear that. I will be bold with you because I was in a very similar situation. It's not a break, it's a break up. She buys time to detach herself from your relationship while you wait in hopes. Couples cope with problems together.

 

My ex was also depressed and wanted a break by telling me that she doesn't know herself, she doesn't know what she wants. I waited in hopes while she was discovering herself: she became lesbian and had a woman in her life. During the break she had the freedom to try and she could clear out of her system our relationship.

 

Now I am shattered while she lives her life. So my advice is: do not wait. Consider this as a break up. Move forward. Stay in no contact. Start immediately your healing process. Go to gym, see other people. Be a better yourself. If she comes back that's fine. If not, you would already moved on. And in my opinion, if you focus on yourself and improve yourself, your chances rise.

[BC1980]

You should absolutely treat this as final. Anyone who is okay with you seeing other people does not want to be with you. If she is okay with that, treat this as final.

[BC1980]

So I've been reading the book "Getting Past your Breakup" by Susan elliot and it has been so helpful in my period of grief. I am also going to see a therapist this week to help cope. I am feeling much better about how I feel, and realize that I Was too co-dependent on my girlfriend for happiness, purpose, etc.

 

That's a great book. I used that book to move on from my last relationship. She also has You Tube videos.

[Been]

This is just my opinion so take it or leave it. Your girlfriend is full of s**t.

All the sudden she needs a "break" after dating for years. All the sudden past issues come up NOW?

And the biggest give away-she tells you it's ok for you to date other women-but your not "broken up"???

I would bet real money that she has met someone else or in the very least has her sights set on someone. And your going to eventually find out.

And this is my opinion but I would say your girlfriend is a coward and used this as an excuse to not talk to you but she didn't close the door on you completely.

This way if her plan doesn't work out she has the possibility of you still being an option.

Don't wait. She wants to resolve her issues then tell her ok and go complete NC.

You would think if this was really a problem she would want you by her side for support and comfort. But she wants to take a " break" for half a year by herself.

Pure BS.

[LostConfusedLover]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Yeah the part where she told me she'd be open to me seeing other people confused me. I think she was trying to be thoughtful, but it was hurtful. I did tell her I'm not ok with her seeing other people, and she agreed to it. But there's no way to know what'll happen during NC.

 

Anyways, I'm definitely taking time to better myself. All I can focus on is myself and it should've always been that way to begin with.

 

The point of a relationship is to share yourself with another. When those parts are confident, happy with high self-esteem and self-love, it's just that's much better. I don't want to be co-dependent with anyone or rely on anyone for all my happiness and love moving forward.

[Been]

Think if you did start seeing other people. Problem solved for her. She would tell everyone you would t wait for her while she dealt with a "serious"problem.