Am I doing the right thing with my girlfriend who broke up with me? Quite Long Sorry!

[thefeature]

Hi everyone,

 

Been reading this forum for a long time now and picked up some great advice (seems to be the best place on the internet!). Basically I just wanted to see if you thought I was going about my break up in the right way as I have read a lot of different views on breaking up over the last few months.

 

Heres my story (sorry its long but i feel its needed to get a good overview to any problem):

 

Basically me and my girlfriend had been going out for 3 and a half years (she is my first REAL love) and broke up near the start of May. Whilst we were going out for the last year or so we have been rocky although ill place most of the blame on me for that. I stopped treating her with respect and stopped serving her emotional needs. You see whilst I was away at uni (i came back every weekend) she was quite alone and placed a lot of dependancy on me, and I started getting frustrated with her but I should never have spoken to her the way i did or treated her like the way i did. Now we have split up 3 or 4 times during this time but only for a day, week, two weeks etc and I always felt we would get back together and we did.

 

This time its different, she has just finished her course she was doing and started her job, and got a new best friend who takes up all her time so she started becoming more independant and realising (probably) that she doesnt have to put up with crap from me (which i agree with). Now I have finished uni now and realised when she broke up with me that I do actually love her madly and deeply and regret everything I have done. I begged/pleaded etc for her to give me another chance but she kept turning me down for a month and a half or so. Then we went to the cinema one night and just had fun and she asked me to kiss her. So we got back into hardcore dating for two weeks before she went on holiday but I pushed the situation too much and kept asking if we would get back together etc, partly because we both knew she was going on holiday for a week at the end of this two weeks and wanted it sorted. Now we got on much better and really started enjoying ourselves but she came back from holiday and said its not what she wanted.

 

The problem is I never made an effort for things she considered important to her like valentines, her finishing her course (which i am so proud of her for) and her birthday (21st) was the last straw for her. Now she said there are some things she cant forget and I said to her after holiday that I wont combat her decision and that I will always be here for her, which i will. I also said its probably best we dont see each other for a while, which she said that she agreed with. I think this is because (and she has said this to me) that when she is with me she wants to get back with me, but when im not there she just thinks about all the bad things I have done and doesnt want to be hurt again. She also said that she thinks "we will never get back together but she cant predict the future".

 

I want to show her I have changed but i dont know the best way!!!?? and it has been a week no without contacting her after this chat but her graduation is on thursday. Im thinking of sending a card in the post just saying enjoy the day and dont be too nervous (because i know her and she will be). Do you think this is good? I dont want her to think that im just trying to get her back but realise i need to start changing myself and being less selfish so thought it would be a nice gesture. I dont want to keep chasing her off though!

 

Please help me, i really do realise my mistakes and it is not the person I am or want to be.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by thefeature

Please help me, i really do realise my mistakes and it is not the person I am or want to be.

 

Good for you. Most people never get this far. I like your style

 

I see several issues going on here. One that I should warn you about from the outset is that she has to work through the forgiveness thing. By herself. If she can't forgive, nothing you do will work. And also btw, it would mean she is a bad bet relationally, since there will always be things that need to be forgiven.

 

Another issue is the way you interact with her. You should stop talking about changing or asking for her back. And also reduce the contact. All of these put pressure on her. Bad. In fact, I would say that as a general rule, she should contact you, not vice-versa.

 

Finally, get down to changing. Send her that card - it sounds thoughtful and appropriate. But most of the practising should not be done on her - it looks manipulative. Instead, you should practice treating your mum, your sister or whoever correctly.

 

Specifically, what aspects of your behaviour do you think need changing? What did she say?

[thefeature]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about everything I have done over the last year or so and it literally makes me cringe sometimes! I know everything that I need to change but she hasn't said it directly to me, I have worked it out for myself. I got selfish, unmovtivated and let my ego and pride get in the way (thinking i was right all the time and arguing) instead of admitting that things were not right and i needed to change. At least i know this now!

 

I have got all my motivation back again, working harder, got back to the gym, playing basketball again etc and want to get back to what I was when we first went out. I am definately not going to plead or tell her i have changed anymore because the best thing I did for her was to say that im not going to beg her or pressure her anymore, even though it was the hardest thing for me to do.

 

Im going to send her the card, but your right im not just going to practise on her, i also realised through this that I should spend more time with my family and putting more effort into making the people I care about happy, which I have been doing. Hopefully then after she realises I have become the person she used to know, within time she can forgive me, but I realise sometimes there is no going back. Just annoys me that it took something so drastic for me to realise these things and I never wanted her to be a mistake that I had to learn from and get over because she means so much to me and has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by thefeature

I know everything that I need to change but she hasn't said it directly to me, I have worked it out for myself.

 

Indirect hints.... when will women learn?

 

Seriously, communication difficulties are as much her problem as yours then. Girls can't drop hints in girly speak then expect us to act on them. We need direct speech.

 

 

I am definately not going to plead or tell her i have changed anymore

 

Good. Stick to this.

 

 

I should spend more time with my family and putting more effort into making the people I care about happy, which I have been doing.

 

And this.

 

 

sometimes there is no going back.

 

Sad but often true. Get yourself sorted out though and it's win-win for you. Either you get her back. Or you are hot and attractive for someone else - and she can live to regret her impatience