Lost my first love and I'm devastated

[ceil]

I have just been broken up with after a 3 and a half year relationship, and I'm absolutely devastated. This was my first relationship (I'm not that young or a teen, I'm just more closed off/less likely to date, I guess), and I saw us going the distance. I'm finding it really hard to see a happy future for myself without my now-ex-boyfriend, H. I thought that he and I were deeply in love, but I guess that was just on my end. We had a three hour breakup talk yesterday that came about unexpectedly. He said he had been working up the nerve to break up with me, and that he doesn't see a future for us anymore. I feel really blindsided.

 

His doubts really stem from religion. H is very Catholic and while I'm Christian, I'm not Catholic. H has started to think more seriously about his future, and I guess he started having doubts about it including me awhile ago, though he didn't share that until our breakup talk. He doesn't see a way for us to work through our differences. He wants a wife someday who wholly believes in Catholicism and can teach his kids that too, and as much as I want to be that for him, that's not something I can promise in good conscience.He said he hasn't been happy for awhile, though he hadn't been truthful about that until the breakup talk. If I'm being honest with myself, I think I *would* have become Catholic eventually to be with him. But when he came to me about this, he didn't approach it like "hey I'm realizing this is now a deal breaker for me and I need to take that seriously," but instead like "I'm just now telling you this is a deal breaker and I see no future/have given up already."

 

The worst part is I don't know how to stop feeling the way I do about him. I really and truly to my core love H. He's my best friend in the world, he knows me better than anyone, and it makes me feel worthless and afraid that he can know me so intimately and still not want to be with me. During our breakup talk, I tried my best to plead my case for us working through some of the problems he brought up, but he does not see the light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship. I told him that he should make decisions that make him happy. That decision means not being with me. In light of the breakup, I'm struggling to find how *I* can make choices to be happy, when being happy for me really does mean being with him.

 

I lost my best friend, the one I talk to every day about everything and anything, and I just don't know where to go from here. I'm having trouble imagining my future without him, and even more trouble imagining his future without me. I've never been overly concerned with relationships (which is probably why this is my first), and I know there are other fish in the sea. It isn't about finding anyone else. I'm just sad that he doesn't want to be "the fish," I guess. How do you stop loving someone you built your dreams about the future around? Is there any hope of reconciliation? To be honest, the only thing providing me comfort right now is the idea that we might have a chance later down the line. That if I wait a month and do the whole "no contact" thing, he'll miss me and I'll be able to articulate that Catholicism wasn't an issue, and he could have just come to me about it openly instead of not discussing it & making a decision. I could use some help.

 

Thank you for this website and your support.

[spiderowl]

I'm just really sorry to hear your story and can quite understand what a blow this must have been. I suspect that the religious aspect is something of a convenient excuse, but I don't know how the idea might change for a religious person over time. He was happy to be with you before when he knew you were not a Catholic. But what matters now is you and how you can take care of yourself. People on here will recommend no contact and it does help to heal after a break-up.

 

You will recover - I know you might not believe it at this point in time. Recovering from a break-up is a journey, especially if you were not the one who initiated it. It does not mean there was anything wrong with you, it really doesn't. People come into and out of our lives and some stay. We can never know why some do and some don't but it is about attraction, compatibility, and having lasting things in common. I am sure after a while you will start to wonder what you and your boyfriend did have together. When you are so keen on someone, you don't see their faults or tend to excuse them. I am sure he will no longer be excused now.

 

Look after yourself now. Do not think in terms of a possible reconciliation because it will just keep you hanging on and hoping when you deserve better. You deserve to recognise what an amazing person you are and to have someone else recognise that and love you. A guy who walks away is not that special, believe me.

[ceil]

Thank you for commenting spiderowl. I know you're right. He's known since he met me that I'm not Catholic. A lot of his friends back home (he comes from a religious small town) are married and are starting to have kids, so I think that changed the way he thought of the future.

 

Your words of encouragement are really helpful. It's just hard to be positive right now when I feel so shattered. I wish he hadn't given up on us so easily, because I know we had something special, and at one point, he did too. I am so bothered because I feel like the issues he brought up are fixable ones. When I said this in our talk, he responded by trying to talk through some of them with me, but religious differences and conversion aren't things you can tackle in one talk. I can't promise him Catholicism off the back of my hand, I would need his support getting there. I felt like I needed time. Like he has this idea of what life should be, but is only giving himself the room to grow and nurture into it.

 

I have trouble because I want this to work so badly, and I feel like he made an judgment error by not giving us a real shot at dealing with these problems. I wonder if I'm looking at us through rose-colored glasses, and that may be true, but I'm a fighter and I felt that what we had is worth fighting for. It's hard to retreat.

[preraph]

I'm real sorry this relationship you invested so much in has fallen apart. Honestly, I would question whether you not being Catholic is the real reason or just a reason he can use to not discuss the other reasons why he might be wanting to be single. I mean three years and you were not a Catholic that whole time and he chose you. I don't think that's what the main issue is. I think it's him wanting to be single and not being ready to commit.

[spiderowl]

Ceil, if he wanted to make the relationship work, he would have bent over backwards to give you time to think about and make a conversion (if you felt happy with that). It sounds like it was a fait accompli and he wasn't giving you chance to resolve anything. I feel for you because I know that it feels like someone took everything out of your hands and is very hurtful.

 

I can assure you, you will look back on this one day and think 'what a creep, why did I ever think he was great'. Some people do not know when they are well off and their need to change and adventure spurs them on to wreck a good thing. You need a guy who is serious and who is committed and this guy isn't, despite what he says about religion.

 

It will take a while for you to recover and regain your strength and confidence but it will happen. When you find guys are interested in you and you realise you can actually choose to be with them if you want to (are free), then attachment to this guy will fade. I know at the moment it hurts. X

[ceil]

Thank you both. Your advice is helpful. It's hard to feel like our problems were solvable, but also know that it wouldn't be good to reach out to try and retroactively solve them.

 

Do either of you have any tips for how to make the heartbreak easier/how to move forward? I know people say keep busy and talk to people around you (why I'm especially grateful for you both), but is there anything else you've come across that could help?

 

I'm hoping I'll feel better in time, but it's so hard to believe that right now. I really and truly love the guy. Even now.

[spiderowl]

It it so easy to suggest things but that doesn't take away from the fact that it is incredibly painful to go through a break-up. Things that may help are going out and getting to know new people (basically spend time with people who make you feel good and value you). Time, makes a big difference. And cry if you need to, it is nature's way of healing.

 

Also, keep posting on here whenever you need to. There are plenty of people who have been through similar experiences and can offer support.

[preraph]

Thank you both. Your advice is helpful. It's hard to feel like our problems were solvable, but also know that it wouldn't be good to reach out to try and retroactively solve them.

 

Do either of you have any tips for how to make the heartbreak easier/how to move forward? I know people say keep busy and talk to people around you (why I'm especially grateful for you both), but is there anything else you've come across that could help?

 

I'm hoping I'll feel better in time, but it's so hard to believe that right now. I really and truly love the guy. Even now.

 

It is very hard to make yourself move on. First you have to decide how long is enough time to let yourself mourn. But at some point, you have to use self-discipline and MAKE yourself continue on with an active life whether you feel like it or not. That's why I say as soon as you can, start making a schedule each week to do one thing you really enjoy, preferable with friends, but on your own as well. The idea is to do fun things that will grab your attention and give you relief from the repetitive thoughts and focusing on your loss. The other reason this is good is because we can really get in a rut of repetitive thought, and the more new memories we have, the smaller that rut will be. In a way, it's like crowding out the unwanted sadness with new memories and experiences. It really is the quickest pathway to recovering.

 

I don't advise talking to your friends about that when you see them. They will get tired of it. Sure, when it first happened, that's when it's good to pour it out to them, but no one wants to plan something fun and then spend the whole time being sad with you and they will avoid eventually. So when you make your plans, also plan to stay off the subject. If they bring it up, say "Let's just think about fun things today." Good luck!