I told my BF of 1 year about my cheating history. Did I kill the relationship?

[TimmyC]

I'm just going to say one last thing,

 

This thread proves one solid fact, Once a cheater, more than likely...always a cheater.

[benpom]

Lets look at something else....since you use alcohol/drugs and cheating as a way to cope with your problems...and you still go out and "party", I don't blame him one bit to be concerned. You have done nothing to correct this behavior and I know history will repeat itself. With him being different and you feel your relationship is shattered....already you are starting to divert your attention to another guy in your group to escape...get some damn help. Seek out some kind of counseling, instead of jumping into another guy's lap.

 

You are sharp

[benpom]

I posted this on reddit but it was locked soon after because of the harsh response. Now I know I probably need serious help, but my discussion was cut short on reddit except for the fact that I'm an awful person I didn't glean much "help". I'll make this as short as I can. Let's call my bf Cal.

 

Cal is a good-hearted, driven, and caring man. He swept me off my feet and I've been infatuated ever since. I love this man. Except for a couple fights we've never had any issues.

 

About a month ago, he brought up the history, and cheating came up. I think a relative of his cheated on someone recently, so it was on his mind.

 

He said he personally has no sympathy for cheaters. I told him I can understand how and why "it" could happen. He was surprised by that, and asked how come I feel that way.

 

My history came out. I cheated on my last two serious relationships. The relationships were in rough places, each lasting a little over 2 years. Someone came along and made me feel alive again. I enjoyed their desire and things I wasn't receiving from my relationship. Combined with drugs and alcohol, I cheated.

 

Cal was alarmed by this, said I just played the victim card and instead of addressing the issue found comfort in other men. I explained it so horribly to him, and I understand how he feels that way. I could sense his frustration with me. Cheating on him isn't something I imagine I would do. Of course I felt horrible. That was a part of my past. An ugly part. I'm not proud of it.

 

A few days later we went to a movie together. He talked to me about his boundaries with cheating then dropped the topic. He wanted to carry on and I do too. After the movie, I made a passing remark about one of the actors in a poster and said "I would so marry him". It was silly, but not meant to be serious.

 

I saw Cal's face twist, and he walked away. I got angry and yelled at him for taking offense to a stupid remark. He said sorry, his emotions flared and he wanted to walk away and cool off. He apologized again later and said he isn't the insecure type, but lately he's been anxious. That night was a mood kill for me. It was just a silly joke and he walked off without saying a thing. This isn't something that has ever happened before.

 

Cal has never been the insecure/anxious/jealous type. I hang out with my friends, party without him, do the things I want, etc. We have established trust and he has never shown signs of insecurity. We openly talk about the insecurities we do have, and at times he does over-communicate, which can be annoying, but it's with good intentions.

 

But ever since our talk I've sensed something different about him. He loves me but I can tell I've made a confident man worrisome. Our confident connection leaped right from my hands. My fun-loving, carefree guy now seems like he's 50ft up on a wall and looking down. He picks his words as if he's walking on eggshells. Things are just.. different. The most unfortunate part about all of this is another guy in my friend circle has grabbed my attention. I feel horrible but I feel like unwanted feelings are starting to develop.

 

Did this relationship die by my own hand? Is this salvageable? We communicate very well and have talked it over. But things still haven't been the same. It has been about a month now.

 

The most alarming part is that you STILL FEEL justified about cheating.

 

He has not broken up with you. That means having a cheating past is not a deal-breaker to him. But still having a cheater's mindset is alarming to him, legitimately.

[BaileyB]

You are definitely at high risk to cheat again, so your boyfriend is right to be concerned. This is an established pattern of behavior.

 

You definitely need to seek some counselling and develop more maturity.

 

What is that old saying... "Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it..."

[umirano]

I disagree with those saying she should look at poly relationships. improbablyterrible's problem isn't her lack of romantic interest or partners. Her problems are

 

• being loyal
  
• getting upset over her bf's justified concerns
  
• unwillingness to adress a problem within an existing relationship
  
• a tendency to flee into another "relationship" whenever it isn't going as smooth as she wants
  

 

Going poly simply will affect more people with the same crap. I don't believe poly partners are looking for the insecure, disloyal, avoiding type any more than the monogamous.

Edited January 8, 2017 by umirano

[Woggle]

I can't say I blame him since it looks like history is about to repeat itself.

[Alamo657]

But ever since our talk I've sensed something different about him. He loves me but I can tell I've made a confident man worrisome. Our confident connection leaped right from my hands. My fun-loving, carefree guy now seems like he's 50ft up on a wall and looking down. He picks his words as if he's walking on eggshells. Things are just.. different.

Of course they are, you've talked about your cheating history, and now "jokingly" mention how so-and-so is hot and you'd bang him "if only...".

 

The most unfortunate part about all of this is another guy in my friend circle has grabbed my attention. I feel horrible but I feel like unwanted feelings are starting to develop.

Of course you got your "attention" grabbed, you're in constant need of reassurance, validation, and butterflies in the stomach. You want relationships to be light hearted so you can walk away anytime with anyone who grabs your attention.

 

Did this relationship die by my own hand? Is this salvageable? We communicate very well and have talked it over. But things still haven't been the same. It has been about a month now.

ANd they never will be again, because you wont commit to this man now that your "attention" has been "grabbed by another guy". If only you could prove "Cal" your dedication and long term commitment to him, maybe he will trust you. But even then, after telling him your story, he knows that you can cheat and leave after years when you're "unsatisfied".

 

Look i'm sorry to put it bluntly, but guys looking for serious relationships dread women like you. You're ****-buddy material, not relationship material.

[thecrucible]

OP, I can see where you are coming from. Did he ever mention cheating before or ask you questions about it early on in the relationship? It's a hard thing to admit to a future partner if you feel that you wouldn't do it again. They don't have the benefit of having been there to understand the motivation. But the best you can do is explain your thinking process and express regret that it ever happened (did you do that after you told him the story?). I mean I cheated in one relationship in the past and expressing regret is all I could ever do, as I'd never be able to turn back time and not do it.

 

I think from his point of view, because it's happened twice, he thinks it'll become a pattern. I know a girl with a LTR who cheated in the past and he doesn't know a thing. I doubt it'll ever come out. Besides for her it happened 10 years ago. How long ago were these relationships in which you cheated? Did you have a break to reflect on it? Also, what is it about this new guy that suddenly makes him on your radar? Your bf has probably noticed that this is going on.

 

If it's tempting to cheat when things get rough in the relationship (and they all have their bad patches), then that's something you should sort out. In a LTR you need better coping mechanisms for those patches. You mentioned drugs and alcohol as well. Since the cheating in the past, have you made any changes to your lifestyle so they no longer have such a hold?

[Lansing]

You know OP (and everyone else), this thread's story is extremely similar to the following story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/604612-did-i-snuff-out-our-spark-one-blow

 

 

 

Wow, exact thread from the opposite side.

So, these are both just fictional "What if" threads? I see the other poster only ever posted in that one thread/etc.

[GoreSP]

I disagree with those saying she should look at poly relationships. improbablyterrible's problem isn't her lack of romantic interest or partners. Her problems are

 

• being loyal
  
• getting upset over her bf's justified concerns
  
• unwillingness to adress a problem within an existing relationship
  
• a tendency to flee into another "relationship" whenever it isn't going as smooth as she wants
  

 

Going poly simply will affect more people with the same crap. I don't believe poly partners are looking for the insecure, disloyal, avoiding type any more than the monogamous.

 

 

Monogamy is clearly not working for OP.

If she is unconsciously feeling trapped in a monogamous relationship perhaps being able to open up to a partner she is attracted to would fix a lot of problem.

 

Also suggesting polyamory doesn't imply not Working on underlying issues...

[TimmyC]

Agreed, I think these are clinical issues that need to be solved by someone with a PHD. It appears that OP lacks the proper coping skills to maintain a healthy relationship. And her only other option is to run to another man when things get old or rough. Not to bring up the past but I feel strongly that maybe you didn't properly cope with the drug addiction, and your brain still lacks that "excitement" it used to get so your looking for it in relationships? Idk...

 

OP:

It just really bugs me how quickly you were able to grab onto another guy but at the same time still be concerned about ruining your primary relationship. You cannot be that concerned about it if you've already set up an escape goat.

 

I am almost certain this is just a troll thread. I HOPE it's a troll thread because aspects of this entire situation seems incredibly psychotic.

[abby_tx]

I wouldn't date you if I were him. Huge red flag. Maybe try therapy if you genuinely want to change. Either that or be polyamorous and put this out up front.

[LoveFiend]

If a women I was getting in a relationship with admitted to me she had cheated twice before in relationships this would be something I would be very worried about.

 

First you start to question that person's loyalty to you and to others. Truthfully I would have a hard time giving my whole heart to a girl who told me this and I think I never could. I would build up walls and just prepare myself in case that girl hurt me. I would always be on my guard and 100% trusting the woman would be impossible for me to do.

 

I might be tempted to have backup plans, or keep other women on my mind just in case. There would always be that fear of losing the woman that I would have a hard time shaking because the trust just would not be there.

 

I will say to be realistic cheating isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me. If she did it just for fun, or if I was away from home a lot due to job and she was lonely. As long as I was the one she loved and devoted to. However if she cheated on me because she had feelings for someone else and wanted to leave me for that other guy, then I would be very worried.

 

A friend of mine who is a marriage counselor says sometimes it is best to keep things unsaid and not to tell your partner everything, it really could ruin a relationship.

 

I see no benefit coming from you telling future partners you have cheated before on partners, that is just only going to hurt you and nothing positive can come out of you telling guys this. So I would say this is something better left unsaid and kept to yourself.

 

You asked if you killed the relationship by telling your BF this of one year. I don't like to sugarcoat answers I like to give people the truth just to be fair with them. To be honest I think there could be a could possibility by telling him this you very well could have killed the relationship, just being honest with you.

Edited January 8, 2017 by LoveFiend