I told my BF of 1 year about my cheating history. Did I kill the relationship?

January 7, 2017

I posted this on reddit but it was locked soon after because of the harsh response. Now I know I probably need serious help, but my discussion was cut short on reddit except for the fact that I'm an awful person I didn't glean much "help". I'll make this as short as I can. Let's call my bf Cal.

Cal is a good-hearted, driven, and caring man. He swept me off my feet and I've been infatuated ever since. I love this man. Except for a couple fights we've never had any issues.

About a month ago, he brought up the history, and cheating came up. I think a relative of his cheated on someone recently, so it was on his mind.

He said he personally has no sympathy for cheaters. I told him I can understand how and why "it" could happen. He was surprised by that, and asked how come I feel that way.

My history came out. I cheated on my last two serious relationships. The relationships were in rough places, each lasting a little over 2 years. Someone came along and made me feel alive again. I enjoyed their desire and things I wasn't receiving from my relationship. Combined with drugs and alcohol, I cheated.

Cal was alarmed by this, said I just played the victim card and instead of addressing the issue found comfort in other men. I explained it so horribly to him, and I understand how he feels that way. I could sense his frustration with me. Cheating on him isn't something I imagine I would do. Of course I felt horrible. That was a part of my past. An ugly part. I'm not proud of it.

A few days later we went to a movie together. He talked to me about his boundaries with cheating then dropped the topic. He wanted to carry on and I do too. After the movie, I made a passing remark about one of the actors in a poster and said "I would so marry him". It was silly, but not meant to be serious.

I saw Cal's face twist, and he walked away. I got angry and yelled at him for taking offense to a stupid remark. He said sorry, his emotions flared and he wanted to walk away and cool off. He apologized again later and said he isn't the insecure type, but lately he's been anxious. That night was a mood kill for me. It was just a silly joke and he walked off without saying a thing. This isn't something that has ever happened before.

Cal has never been the insecure/anxious/jealous type. I hang out with my friends, party without him, do the things I want, etc. We have established trust and he has never shown signs of insecurity. We openly talk about the insecurities we do have, and at times he does over-communicate, which can be annoying, but it's with good intentions.

But ever since our talk I've sensed something different about him. He loves me but I can tell I've made a confident man worrisome. Our confident connection leaped right from my hands. My fun-loving, carefree guy now seems like he's 50ft up on a wall and looking down. He picks his words as if he's walking on eggshells. Things are just.. different. The most unfortunate part about all of this is another guy in my friend circle has grabbed my attention. I feel horrible but I feel like unwanted feelings are starting to develop.

Did this relationship die by my own hand? Is this salvageable? We communicate very well and have talked it over. But things still haven't been the same. It has been about a month now.

January 7, 2017

I was emphasizing with you until you said you are starting to get the hots for a new guy. Do you think that's just a defensive reaction by you because of your disconnect with Cal or is that real?

January 7, 2017

He's probably having doubts about you because you didn't cheat in just one but two relationships.... and now there's already some other guy in the picture so I can't really blame him

January 7, 2017

I was emphasizing with you until you said you are starting to get the hots for a new guy. Do you think that's just a defensive reaction by you because of your disconnect with Cal or is that real?

It feels like a shift in feelings. Possibly a coping mechanism

January 7, 2017

After reading this sorry tale I really hope that you are only about fourteen or fifteen because you sound like an immature teenager.You have no business having a relationship with anyone until you learn the meaning of loyalty and fidelity.Try growing up before you cheat on anyone else.

January 7, 2017

...My history came out. I cheated on my last two serious relationships. The relationships were in rough places, each lasting a little over 2 years. Someone came along and made me feel alive again. I enjoyed their desire and things I wasn't receiving from my relationship. Combined with drugs and alcohol, I cheated...

...Things are just.. different. The most unfortunate part about all of this is another guy in my friend circle has grabbed my attention. I feel horrible but I feel like unwanted feelings are starting to develop..

I'm no saint... but I empathise with Cal here. What your history as you've related it here evidences is that your go to response to serious relationship issues appears to be to seek solace elsewhere. Whilst you've given airplay to the relationship push factors... you haven't shown here the introspection to examine your real intrinsic motivators to step out in these circumstances rather than take the harder and higher road of addressing the areas of conflict and/or end things when it's not working.

I'd imagine it's difficult to feel secure about a partner who has a propensity to bail when things get tough... because every LTR has its rough phases.

This is what I suspect is particularly worrisome for Cal as it would be for others. That you seem willing to blame a partner and or relationship rather than exhibit the growth and awareness regarding why you did what you did and how you can leverage of this for healthier relationships going forward.

And it sounds like he's right to be worried because you appear to be doing it again.

This is potentially the end of this relationship... or an opportunity for you to really dig deep, work hard, and grow as an individual and couple.

January 7, 2017

Cheating generally happens shen something is off in a relationship. It's avery immature way ofdes'ing with problem and you've proventobe unable to deal with these issues.

And I mean no offense but it kind of looks like you're doing it again.

Learn to deal with problems and maybe give polyamory a shot?

There are still boundaries in polyamorous relationships though...

January 7, 2017

I agree with Mrin

Are you sure you're cut out for monogmaous relationships?

Its ok if you're not, not everyone is

Whats not ok is making your bf feel that he's 'safe' with you when you have a history of cheating and have your eye on another guy

You need to be open with your bf, tell him about your feelings for this guy and let him decide whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship

You owe him at least that much

January 7, 2017

I think you'll need to mature quite a bit before you'll be ready for a strong and stable relationship.

Your comment about 'unwanted feelings' is funny and sad at the same time

You have a wandering eye. Just admit to it, rather than blaming it on 'unwanted feelings'

If I were a man, I'd think of you as 'high-risk for potential cheating,' and I think that your BF is probably seeing you that way too.

You'll be ok when you've matured a bit.

Take care.

Edited January 7, 2017 by Satu

January 7, 2017

I posted this on reddit but it was locked soon after because of the harsh response. Now I know I probably need serious help, but my discussion was cut short on reddit except for the fact that I'm an awful person I didn't glean much "help". I'll make this as short as I can. Let's call my bf Cal.

Cal is a good-hearted, driven, and caring man. He swept me off my feet and I've been infatuated ever since. I love this man. Except for a couple fights we've never had any issues.

About a month ago, he brought up the history, and cheating came up. I think a relative of his cheated on someone recently, so it was on his mind.

He said he personally has no sympathy for cheaters. I told him I can understand how and why "it" could happen. He was surprised by that, and asked how come I feel that way.

My history came out. I cheated on my last two serious relationships. The relationships were in rough places, each lasting a little over 2 years. Someone came along and made me feel alive again. I enjoyed their desire and things I wasn't receiving from my relationship. Combined with drugs and alcohol, I cheated.

Cal was alarmed by this, said I just played the victim card and instead of addressing the issue found comfort in other men. I explained it so horribly to him, and I understand how he feels that way. I could sense his frustration with me. Cheating on him isn't something I imagine I would do. Of course I felt horrible. That was a part of my past. An ugly part. I'm not proud of it.

A few days later we went to a movie together. He talked to me about his boundaries with cheating then dropped the topic. He wanted to carry on and I do too. After the movie, I made a passing remark about one of the actors in a poster and said "I would so marry him". It was silly, but not meant to be serious.

I saw Cal's face twist, and he walked away. I got angry and yelled at him for taking offense to a stupid remark. He said sorry, his emotions flared and he wanted to walk away and cool off. He apologized again later and said he isn't the insecure type, but lately he's been anxious. That night was a mood kill for me. It was just a silly joke and he walked off without saying a thing. This isn't something that has ever happened before.

Cal has never been the insecure/anxious/jealous type. I hang out with my friends, party without him, do the things I want, etc. We have established trust and he has never shown signs of insecurity. We openly talk about the insecurities we do have, and at times he does over-communicate, which can be annoying, but it's with good intentions.

But ever since our talk I've sensed something different about him. He loves me but I can tell I've made a confident man worrisome. Our confident connection leaped right from my hands. My fun-loving, carefree guy now seems like he's 50ft up on a wall and looking down. He picks his words as if he's walking on eggshells. Things are just.. different. The most unfortunate part about all of this is another guy in my friend circle has grabbed my attention. I feel horrible but I feel like unwanted feelings are starting to develop.

Did this relationship die by my own hand? Is this salvageable? We communicate very well and have talked it over. But things still haven't been the same. It has been about a month now.

Absolutely remarkable.

You stated how the man sweep you off your feet and that cheating was horrible and part of your ugly pass.

Than you ended your statement that your looking at other guys.

Do him a favor and leave him.

If he trusted you, say 100%. its probably at 75% or lower. Specially, if he was cheated on before. You have no excuse for cheating on these guys. It was just better to dump these guys... but in reality you monkey branched to make sure you were in a comfort zone and not alone.

Your boyfriend is right...you play victim and lack the capacity to work thru issues maturely. You simply lack perspective and feel everything in a relationship should make YOU feel good... That comment you made at the movies showed a lack of respect. Like what he said was a joke.

Dump your boyfriend and enjoy your friend in the social circle. If at some point of time you become depressed, have a bad point in your life, or your boyfriend says something that makes you feel insecure and his rebuttal is to starts cheating or looking at other women... Just maybe.... just maybe you'll understand that perspective... but i don't think you have the capacity.

January 7, 2017

About a month ago, he brought up the history, and cheating came up. I think a relative of his cheated on someone recently, so it was on his mind.

The most unfortunate part about all of this is another guy in my friend circle has grabbed my attention. I feel horrible but I feel like unwanted feelings are starting to develop.

Im curious why a previously not-insecure guy would bring up cheating and get so into it. What sparked the conversation he started. I would suspect he is seeing a change in behavior or pattern with you prior to having this talk with you.

Maybe its you developing feelings for this other guy who "got your attention" and you are now developing feelings you dont want? Maybe he is seeing these feelings and you don't release it.

In any case, however it came about, he is concerned about you being checked out emotionally and looking around. And whether you want it to happen or not, you are starting to go that way.

My question to you would be: What is it that this other guy has done to grab your attention and make feelings develop? And how is this, deep down inside, different from the start of any other cheating you have done in the past?

January 7, 2017

Yeah, that's probably not the thing to say to your BF when he is concerned about your cheating.

OP, look, in all seriousness, I don't think you are ready for a LTR. I'm not going to judge you or be harsh in any way, but you really need to get a handle on this propensity you have of looking outside the relationship.

I think you really need to get into some counseling and get this figured out once and for all.

January 7, 2017

I think you'll need to mature quite a bit before you'll be ready for a strong and stable relationship.

Your comment about 'unwanted feelings' is funny and sad at the same time

You have a wandering eye. Just admit to it, rather than blaming it on 'unwanted feelings'

If I were a man, I'd think of you as 'high-risk for potential cheating,' and I think that your BF is probably seeing you that way too.

You'll be ok when you've matured a bit.

Take care.

well put satu

January 7, 2017

Lets look at something else....since you use alcohol/drugs and cheating as a way to cope with your problems...and you still go out and "party", I don't blame him one bit to be concerned. You have done nothing to correct this behavior and I know history will repeat itself. With him being different and you feel your relationship is shattered....already you are starting to divert your attention to another guy in your group to escape...get some damn help. Seek out some kind of counseling, instead of jumping into another guy's lap.

Edited January 7, 2017 by smackie9

January 7, 2017

Cheating is a choice...You made a conscious choice, at least twice, that your desire for attention was more important than the need to communicate and respect your partner. That's your problem, not the guys you were/are in a relationship with. If you're not willing to work in a relationship then you should walk away BEFORE cheating.

Having been cheated on in the past, I can absolutely say that previous cheating would be a deal breaker for me. Why? It says that you will move on before you actually move on, and not put into the relationship unless things go your way all the time. It says that a "spark"/"initial high of being with someone" is more important than commitment. It says that when you hit a rough patch in a relationship, you will seek out others instead of buckling down and working with your partner. That's scary to think about long-term, when you let's say, have children together, house, and other tangibles that tie you together.

So, I can understand his change in attitude. You've introduced a significant amount of doubt into the relationship. And why is Cal so different from the guys you cheated on before or the guys you cheated with? That's another thing to ask yourself...and don't pretend that your "infatuation" or "love" will prevent you from cheating. It hasn't and it probably won't if you are upset and someone gives you the attention you want at the time.

Best of luck, but you have to understand your cheating tendencies before understanding his reaction to you. Like...

1) Why you cheat

2) When you find it acceptable to cheat...[should be never but that's just me]

3) What it will take for you not to cheat

4) What your definition of love and commitment is and how is that shown (and are they tied together, the same, etc.?)

5) Your reaction to someone telling you what you said

January 7, 2017

How did your bf not know about your cheating history until 1 year into the relationship???

I dont think your relationship is as honest, open and healthy as you say it is

The more I read into your post, the more I think you need to grow up and leave this poor guy alone

January 7, 2017

I really do feel useless when I take part in conversations like these because the way I see it you have come here for sympathy when in fact it's you that has the problem not your boyfriend.

You'r boyfriend has every right to be worried he does in fact see you as "High Risk" meaning he's to scared to say or do anything that might set you off and your way of dealing with it is jumping into another guy's bed.

I think you need to make some serious changes in your life or get some professional help.

January 8, 2017

OP, it's very hard to feel sympathy for someone who has a wandering eye whenever there is conflict and discomfort in their relationship. That behavior reeks of insecurity and immaturity. Your BF deserves better than that. You need need to work on your issues before subjecting another man to your inability to stay faithful.

January 8, 2017

I really wanted to try and understand where you are coming from, but after reading everything It's painted quite a clear picture. First and foremost atleast your honest, props for that but second...YOU have the problem not him. It does indeed kind of seem like you play the victim. You mention that you made a comment about how you'd marry an actor, ok I understand I'm a "normal" relationship how that be humorous but you dropped the bombshell that you've cheated twice. And instead of attempting to understand where he came from you got mad and went off on him and complained about how it ruined "your" night. What about being selfless and understanding how he feels, someone he cares about and trusted admired that she has cheated, that sucks and I feel for the guy honestly.

Pherhaps what's really disappointing to me about this because I want to help, is that I'm unable to because your eyes have wondered to a different guy. That's very immature and you need to break up with him, he deserves to be happy with someone that he can trust. As for you this is going to sound a bit harsh, but it's tough love. I think you need to look for non monogamous relationships and get your heart broken a few times so you can gain some experience and maturity. Everyone has a past but as long as you don't resurrect the past it shouldn't matter.

January 8, 2017

OP, your BF is now holding you at arms length emotionally. He is no longer prepared to risk getting hurt because of your admission. The problem is you showed zero remorse and think people who cheat are justified. My guess is this one is going to cut you loose.

January 8, 2017

This is a lot to think about. I'm going to sleep on this and give a full response tomorrow.

January 8, 2017

This is a lot to think about. I'm going to sleep on this and give a full response tomorrow.

In all honesty there isn't anything you can say to justify the situation, be fair to your boyfriend and let him go, for HIS sake. I've been through what he's going through and it will emotionally destroy a person.

Maybe you should just focus on friends with benefits because you cannot be in a committed relationship, you will constantly move onto different people when things get bad. What you need to understand is every relationship has it's up and downs but when you truly love someone, you need to work through it. Love is rare and it's just a shame you don't seem to cherish it.

January 8, 2017

You know OP (and everyone else), this thread's story is extremely similar to the following story.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/604612-did-i-snuff-out-our-spark-one-blow

Your stories line right up. The difference was that in the above thread, the thread-starter is "Cal" and you are the girlfriend with the wandering eye, right down to the new guy friend you are crushing on. Erie!

(I hope I am not spoiling anyone's suspense here, but in the thread I quoted, Cal and his girlfriend break up.)

Anyway, taking this as a general topic of concern, you are getting so much heat because you STILL aren't taking responsibility for your behavior. Fate or whatever won't be what causes you to repeat history a third time and cheat on Cal with this new guy in your social circle, it is the DECISIONS you make.

I for one hope Cal breaks up with you and finds himself a girl who actually has character. You deserve that.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Imajerk17

January 8, 2017

" would marry him?" in normal relationships would be ok, but you're a cheater, sorry. I myself would have raised eyebrows. You need some reform because you're comfortable moving fluidly on to other men if a relationship become challenging. This behavior I personally don't agree with, it's a squirrel cage....

January 8, 2017

Sounds like you are just not cut out for monogamy.

Even now with a guy you are supposedly crazy about. you are already lining up your next affair. So just stick to casual or friends with benefits so that you don't hurt others wirh your cheating

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I told my BF of 1 year about my cheating history. Did I kill the relationship?

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