Joysandpains Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 This will probably be a long post but I need to vent/need advice. I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl for around 6 months now. It's a temporary long distance situation as we both had differing work assignments that forced us to move temporarily. We have known each other for years and been friends for quite some time. While there was always an attraction and we both had loads in common, the feelings for one another weren't revealed until 8 months or so ago. So we decided that we would like to be in a relationship together and try our best to maintain the relationship despite the distance factor. We had even discussed plans to move in together and I will be done with my work assignment in a month or so and going back home. I had said from the beginning that in order for this to work, we would both need to be completely open and honest with one another, and to address issues as they came up. I've been in a long distance situation before and a lack of communication is one of the biggest factors for it not working out. She'd agreed and things had been going well. We have been talking daily constantly and had been very open and honest with one another. The feelings of connection were definitely getting stronger and stronger as time went on. While we had always gotten along very well, there have been a couple of blips on the radar screen over the course of a couple of months that could have definitely led to an argument had I not let the issue slide off my back. I'm a pretty laid back and forgiving person as I've worked with people with developmental disabilities so I try not to take a verbal assault too seriously and try to see where the other person is coming from. In the 6 or so months we've been talking there have been 3-4 incidents which I will call blow ups. She's always had a tendency to bottle things up and not be emotional with people. And then she releases that anger at unexpected and inappropriate times, on people she isn't even angry at. There have been a couple of times early in the relationship where she'd gotten drunk/stoned and lashed out at people out of nowhere. She will say the most mean and vile things as well and genuinely crosses a line to where even a saint would react. She's lost friendships as a result of this behavior. The first time it happened, I was not a target of her verbal onslaught but she was very upset and talked to me about it. She had apparently had too much to drink and lashed out at a slew of people, (both in person and on social media). She does this out of nowhere and totally blindsides people, and as expected, a lot of people end their friendship or association with her at that point. When we had discussed it, I had told her that people don't appreciate being attacked out of nowhere and that if this incident was simply a result of "being drunk and not myself" then maybe she should stop drinking for a month and see if she avoids such issues. She agreed to do so, and she genuinely felt very guilty for her behavior. We continued talking as normal and things were going well. Fast forward a month or two and things are still going well. We are texting back and forth one night and out of nowhere, she just starts becoming incredibly cruel. Not mean, but literally personal below the belt cruel. I didn't know what to think at the time, didn't respond right away, and went to bed. I woke up to an apology and an excuse (neither of our temporary moves has gone well and it's been stressful on ourselves) i didn't argue with her or engage her on the subject and kind of just let it go. Things continued well again shortly after that. Fast forward a few weeks later and she's hitting an emotional wall with things in her life. She says something cruel and I instantly address it. I set a boundary then and there. I told her that she can't keep lashing out at people, especially me and if we were going to pursue a relationship, that I wouldn't tolerate that behavior. That I didn't deserve to be treated that way and that people usually deserve to be treated with respect and I won't always be cool and tolerant of her when she lashes out at me. This shocked her and she was instantly very very very apologetic. Fast forward to last week. Things are going well, however, she's having some issues related to her move. She wants to go back home. She's having problems at work and is just genuinely unhappy. We had a good conversation about it and she was very thankful for the talk we had and the support I'd given her. I'd let her know that moving can be tough and if she's that unhappy and wants to go home, I'd be supportive of that decision. She decided the next day she was moving back. Then she decided she wasn't. She feels like she will be a failure if she leaves despite her persistent unhappiness. She was then fired from her job for her attitude. She decided that she'd wanted to stick it out. I didn't understand this decision, I was literally expecting to hear she was back home the next time we spoke. But she'd been convinced by her roommate to stick it out a couple more months. I don't like the area she's living as I've spent significant time there and can understand all the reasons she'd want to leave. It's a pretty fast paced, intense and in your face city for someone from the suburbs to deal with. I said something to her about the place and two days after listening to her go on a tirade about the place, literally having her bags packed and her car in for an oil change for the long drive back home, she tells me she doesn't appreciate my negative attitude about where she lives. So I dropped it. Didn't think it was that big a deal, she knows I don't care for the place, and she'd spent the few days prior talking about how unhappy it was making her. So I said "ok cool I won't bash xyz anymore" and went to bed. She'd texted me to have a good night and said we'd talk the next day. The next day was the night before New Years. She'd been playing cards against humanity with her roommate and his two friends. While I can't physically prove alcohol was a factor in our last encounter, A) her roommate is a big drinker, and B) They were playing cards against humanity. I've yet to see any adult play cards against humanity without alcohol involved. Around 1:00 am I get a text message or a song she likes from her. I tell her I liked the song and then out of nowhere she says "You know what? You can go and **** yourself". I asked her where that came from and she didn't say a word. About half an hour later she went on a verbal tirade. She told me she thought it was rude that I'd insulted where she lived. That she was tired of people taking her feelings and dismissing them as invalid. She then launched into her cruel verbal attacks. I'd told her the last time she did it that I would not tolerate that again. She went ahead and did it anyways. Just like every other time it came out of left field. I told her pretty much that I wasn't going to tolerate that **** and if she couldn't respect my wishes, that I wouldn't talk to her again. She then proceeded to tell me how toxic and egocentric and selfish I was. She called me and then hung up. She faced timed me and then instantly hung up. She sent a couple of text messages basically projecting all of her issues onto me. Basically, I held her accountable for her behavior and she does not like it. So she had to lash out further. I sent her one last text outlining that I thought she'd crossed a line. That there was clearly some kind of communication breakdown that could have been addressed to avoid this situation, but that I didn't deserve to be treated this way. That it's not abuse or ego or toxic to not allow your partner to **** all over you repeatedly. It's been a week now and there's been no contact. And it's driving me insane. I'm actually very hurt by this whole situation. And while I know I've pointed out several "red flags" that have popped up along the way, we've always worked through them. But that largely depended on me kind of letting her get away with things. This time I stuck to my boundary. The thing that upsets me most is how she seems to be unable to accept responsibility or take accountability for her actions. In every situation above where she's lashed out at people, while she genuinely feels very remorseful and guilty about it all, unless it was with me and happening in real time where she's instantly called out on it, she doesnt own up to what she's done wrong or apologize for it. In the incident where she lashed out at a group of people, she felt bad about it, but she didn't try to apologize to any of them. She does her best to avoid bad or conflicting feelings. She has a tendency to retreat and isolate and not face the unpleasant situation. I guess I'm looking for advice. Like I said, I've instituted a no contact order, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't driving me crazy. And I am very hurt. I'm not going to go chasing her down despite somewhat wanting to, and I feel good for sticking to my guns boundary wise. But it almost seems like she's either angry that I am holding her responsible for her unacceptable behavior and won't talk to me, or she really doesn't give a ****. I know that the whole basis for the argument was totally silly and could have been resolved very easily, it's very petty. But I think her anger stems from knowing she was wrong, and being called out on it. Neither of us said we never wanted to speak again. Neither of us said we were done. But their was anger and frustration on both our parts. Mine from an "ok you crossed a line" point of view, and hers moreso out of a reaction to that. I've never done the no contact thing before, not successfully so I want to know how best to handle it. I know I've written a goddam novel here, but this has been a total mind f*@k for me. And I know this sounds like and possibly is an unhealthy relationship, but that's an issue I'd rather talk with her about to decide if we should or shouldn't proceed. This was all such an avoidable situation but I have to wonder if she even gives a ****.
Broken-Hearted-Girl Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 Hi, Although there was no 'break up' as such I firmly believe that you should stick to NC, even if she attempts to contact you. You have given her many chances to redeem herself, and she continues with verbally abusing you (and others). It will probably only get worse as things progress and you'll constantly be walking on eggshells.. waiting for her next attack. Good luck!
Nadine123 Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 Hello Wow, I just posted a very similar story yesterday. First, let me say how proud of you I am that you established boundaries and ended a relationship that crossed them. You absolutely did the right thing. I also ended a relationship because there were many red flags and I miss him like crazy. You know you did the right thing deep down and that's all you need to know to stick to NC. Things wont get better, especially that you gave her many chances. I always follow one rule. If people show you who they are, believe them. Feel free to post her whenever you need to.
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