ANewEarth Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 (edited) Hi guys, I've been perusing this website since Christmas and the stories/comments have been invaluable (I've spent dozens of hours digesting them!). I guess some/all of you, at some point, would like to find a post that 'fits in' with your own experience (and I'm guessing that most people 'hope' it ends well too!). Sadly...I don't think any experience on here will fit in with that of mine. To call it complex is an understatement...but what I've come to realise (thanks to this website) is that no matter how complex the situation seems...the variables are all pretty much the same (love...and lack thereof!). Ok...here goes... I'm a 36 year old guy. I never really found 'the one' and I struggled a lot in my 20s. I saw friends/collegues etc all dating girls/guys that weren't right for them (and subsequently cheating on them!) and it put me off relationships in general. I had a brief fling with a girl when I was 27 and the pain that caused me made me reassess everything. I lost 3 stone in weight, sorted myself out in pretty much every way and really set my heart to my one true calling in life: writing fiction. I met a stunning girl when I was 28 years old. We hit it off immediately and were living together in our own place within 6 months of that. To say this girl had 'issues' is an understatement. I really don't have enough typing time to go into them all...but suffice it say that she wouldn't even answer the door to the postman without wearing a dress/heals and makeup (her insecurities had no limits). She was in terrible debt and when I 'took that on' we ended up in financial ruin. That's when I made the biggest mistake of my life and began an (illegal) fraud online. We were both complicit in the fraud, but when I was later arrested/interviewed...we both maintained that she had no knowledge of it (that was in 2014 - 6 years into our relationship). We were both on bail and once I convinced the police she had nothing to do with it they dropped the charges against her. We seemed very solid at that point and I was going to propose that very Christmas. The very same day that the police dropped the charges she left our home and we haven't spoken since. She was seeing someone else behind my back and just dropped me like a hot plate (not before she made sure she was no longer in trouble with the police). The pain I was going through at that point in my life was unbearable and I did genuinely consider ending it all. I had lost the love of my life (she wouldn't talk to me at all and told her Mum to tell me "it's over - tell him to deal with it") and I was potentially facing imprisonment. With the help of friends and family I somehow managed to get through that time. I lost my home, my animals and was approaching a long Crown Court Trial. I had a few rebounds (they were all clearly an attempt to cover up my pain and never even got as far as relationships/sex). I was drinking heavily just to block everything out. In the summer of 2015 it looked likely that I would have to plead guilty and was looking at around 3 years in prison. I picked myself up, faced what was coming head on, got myself fit and stopped drinking etc. Autumn 2016 hit me like a hammer. Now in a more stable frame of mind I was helping people out on forums such as this and basically just waiting for Crown Court date to arrive in the post. By total chance, on facebook, I began talking to a girl I previously met in 6th Form (UK College). We even went to the same primary school (from the age of 5!). We hit it off like the proverbial house-on-fire. We finally met up in December 2015 and to say it was magic was an understatement. You know when 'you know'? It all felt so cruel to me in a way. Here I was with the girl of my dreams and I was facing potential imprisonment. We started off slow (although I was 'in a rush' because of my potential upcoming doom!) and I thought it was only fair that I told her about my situation (I'm more than aware now that I should've told her from the outset). She opened up to me about all her personal problems and the very day I was going to tell her about mine...I received a letter from my solicitor telling me that "there was a good chance the case will be thrown out of court because there 'is no fraud here'". Now, selfishly, I kept my potential impending doom to myself. I didn't want to ruin what we had going. I wanted to see my solicitor to see how true his predictions were, then I could explain to my new love interest once it was all over (I know, I know!!! Bad. ****ty. Move.) I just didn't want her to judge me when that really isn't the 'real' me. Come February and I get a call from my solicitor... He was wrong. I'm done for. I've now been seeing this amazing girl for a two months (and on 20th Jan 2016 she made us a 'public couple' on Facebook). She was 34 at the time, and I was 35. She really was (and still is) a diamond in the dust. She had only had one serious before (engaged to a guy - it lasted 2 years or so). So when she found out about my upcoming doom the sh*t hit the fan! She was mortified. After a few weeks of arguing/making up etc, she said she'd stand by me and see what happened when I came out of prison (if I pleaded guilty). Her parents and family are quite...erm...'moral'...in their outlooks so it was difficult for her to accept that her new boyfriend might be going to prison and that I would probably be plastered all over the local newspapers. She said she had 'accepted it' but that she 'didn't like it'...and that's more than reasonable. I'm truly ashamed of what I did...but there is no magic clock to rewind. If I could, believe me...I would. This meant a lot of back-handed comments from her about an upcoming 'christening' we were invited to attend for someone in her family. Comments like "I don't know if you should go" (it was supposed to be held 2 days before I was in court and she didn't want to talk to them about it). This led to some monumental rows. I was saying "well if you can't accept it - why say you can?". We ended up arguing for weeks on end until April time. I was back drinking again because I just couldn't cope. I was an emotional wreck. Another relationship in turmoil and still prison hanging over me. I was sending vile texts to her and waking up the next day not even knowing what I had sent! There was nothing physical threatening etc - just those texts where you're being horrible just to make someone respond. I was a complete a-hole. Hopefully it gets a little simpler to digest from here on in... I had to quickly sort myself out again and moved back to my parents in May (the Court date was now set to June 22nd). We barely spoke. It was her B'day on June 8th and I sent her a card that took me three days to make (it was a moonpig one with 20 photographs of all her favourite authors/writers/directors etc). She had blocked me on FB (I asked her to) and had apparently deleted my number. She text me on 9th June thanking me for the card saying she had deleted my number but still remembered it. She also text me a few nice things and text me the night before my court date to tell me to 'stay strong'. I asked her if she wanted me to write to her (at this point I knew I was pleading guilty) and she said she didn't think it was a good idea because she needed to heal herself and was a mess. I sent her a message on my way to court thanking her for the time we shared and wished her well and then switched my phone off... On June 22nd I was sentenced to 20 months in prison. I was sent down at 10am. At 3pm she text my Mum saying she hoped she was ok etc. They had a few mini-conversations, but nothing much. In the UK (providing you 'behave' yourself) you sometimes get offered a HDC (tag) and early release. I worked my ass off in prison. I helped people to read/write. I learned a new language. I had intensive counselling and addressed why I turn to drink whenever I'm stressed. So I got my tag and was released on December 19th (nearly 3 weeks ago). She never wrote to me in prison (even though I'm pretty sure that her job entitles her to my details etc). I respected her decision and didn't write to her either. It was soooo difficult because when the fog lifted I really did see so clearly. As soon as I got home I did the usual 'facebook' thing and updated my status to let people know I was home. I was overwhelmed at the positive response (everyone knew that the previous ex I was with for years should've been in there with me!). Even though I had a voice in my head screaming 'don't...!' I typed her name into the FB search bar. I was gutted. Still blocked. :-( I also felt a little relieved I guess because I knew where I stood. That evening I had this weird indescribable feeling come over me. For some reason I checked on her again...and to my amazement I was no longer blocked. A chill came over me...she knew I was out and had unblocked me. "Calm down" I told myself..."it doesn't mean anything!" I was secretly soooo pleased but I didn't have the nerve to reach out to her. I woke up on Christmas morning to a facebook message (we're not friends after she unblocked me). "Hey, I heard you were out (through the grapevine as you do). I just wanted to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and I hope your 2017 is blessed with both happiness and peace of mind. All the best. **** XX" Guys...I'm man enough to admit I nearly cried. I really do feel so strongly for this girl it's unreal. I responded in kind and finished it with "and I'm always 'here with an ear' and I'm not going anywhere again. XX" (Bad. Freekin. Move?) That one message had the power to both enrich and destroy my Christmas. She didn't send anything else so I assume it was breadcrumbs to a degree (she did say some terrible things to me in our arguments even though I initiated most of them and she was the dumper). I thought and thought and thought about why she had unblocked me and why she had messaged me. It was great and awful all in one. So I folded and messaged her a long message on New Years Eve. She responded with a lovely long message and I was so excited until the end part that read "Even though you did hurt me I'll never regret our time together. I hope 2017 brings you whatever and 'whomever' you're looking for..." BANG! I nearly threw up! The next day I responded saying it was going to take her "ages to see how awesome I am...but third time's a charm..." (I know, desparate). She responded (the next day!) with a link to her annual New Year's Eve message (she knows I like her writing style/annual message). No kisses. No reference to my quip about how it's her I want. I responded again about her status etc. She read it immediately but took well over a day to respond. This time it was a little less long, no questions, just answers and very vague. The ending was very 'you-just-look-after-yourself'ish. After a few more 'flat' FB messages I basically said "You can just tell me to go away...but I was wondering if you wanted to go for a nice country walk or something. It would be great to see if we still have that connection" (she referred to our 'connection' in her New Year's Eve message to me). She read that straight away and left it till the next lunch time to respond with: "At this moment in time, I don't think it's a good idea. I'm not sure how you're filling your days at the moment but perhaps you could do something more positive/productive. I'm not ruling out a friendship in the future, but at this moment I think we both need to look forward." This one text made me feel worse than I ever felt when my 6 year relationship broke up. It made me feel worse than I can ever recall feeling (and don't forget I've been in prison for 6 months). I sobbed my eyes out (and I never once cried in prison). I just couldn't understand why she messaged me at Christmas when she must've known I would think it meant more. Then showing me her annual message etc. Then that. If we're not even friends now...then why message me? We're not even anything. Anyway, I composed myself and send her a long message basically saying thanks for being honest but I can never be your friend. I want the best for you, always, and will always wish you well etc. I asked her not to send me B'day/Christmas messages because it just hurt because I will always want more than that. I told her I was going to have to distance myself completely to heal etc. I sent the message and she read it (the little 'tick' came up on messenger). I then closed my FB account. I have really felt so utterly lost and deflated since I sent that on Wednesday afternoon (three days ago). It feels worse than anything I've ever experienced. I'm training for a marathon for Cancer Research UK and filling my days as best as possible. Not seeing her beautiful face on FB since Wednesday is ripping me apart - but I think I've done the right thing. I do love this girl - even though we were only together for 5 months. I'm sure I'll meet someone else someday but I've got such a strong feeling that at the end of my days she maybe the one that got away. I guess I needed to vent! Sorry it took so much time guys. I just hope I did the right thing initiaing formal N/C and not wanting breadcrumbs. My mates think I'm mental. I've not spoken to her or seen her for six months - and then a few messages over Christmas has torn a hole in my soul. It doesn't even seem possible...yet it's happened. Edited January 7, 2017 by ANewEarth
preraph Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 Well, you are in a pickle alright. Having jail time on your record is a big hidrance moving forward, particularly fraud, which pegs you as someone who still steal from the company or in some way use the company for gain. How I read her is this: She knows you are going to have an uphill battle making a living and having a career and thereby becoming someone who can support a wife and family. Thus, her comment about you should be doing more productive things than being online -- and I agree with her. What you need to do most in your life now is find a job, any job, and be the best employee you can be and move up and never do anything to lose a good reference for the next job you move up into. Until you are employed and reliable, no self-respecting woman or their family is going to take you seriously, no matter how much they like you personally, and I believe she does like you. But Momma didn't raise no fool, and she's too good to be with someone who can't carry their own weight who just got out of jail! So you tell her you are going to spend ALL your time seeking employment. Get two crap jobs if you have to and work ALL the time. Tell her you'll keep in touch but are not really able to date until you set your life straight and get re-established, and that will be an uphill battle unless you have a family member or friend who owns a business. So put first things first and show her you are on the right path. You have to get a job, get two jobs, and hold them. Good luck. 1
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