When he doesn't feel that "crazy connection"

[selinaluv]

Hello everyone,

 

So I have been talking with this man for about a week. Not long, but the phone conversations have been great and I like him. Only concern was he is in Alcoholics Anonymous, in recovery and sober for 6 years. He has also been divorced from his ex for three years and they had been together since he was 15. He is 41 now. He claims they should have never been married and it wasn't a true love.

 

He did say to me that as he has dated he had a couple times he thought he had a strong connection and it would suddenly fade for no reason. But stated that he felt it with me and had a good feeling about us. Often his conversations turned slightly sexual, but it was good, flirty banter.

 

Fast forward to last night he is insistent on meeting me for coffee. I really wasn't prepared to meet for a first date, but I did it because he said he really wanted to meet me and then promise me a proper second date when I was more prepared.

 

We meet for coffee and it actually went great. Still great talking and we kissed at the end. He seemed into me and attracted (even though I know that means nothing). He threw out days for a second date and said he wanted to see me again. Said I looked like my pics, the whole thing. Then noted he took himself off the dating site and shows me, which totally took me by surprise.

 

So this morning he texts me saying after leaving he didn't end up feeling that "crazy connection that we were going for." Not sure what he meant about that cause I never said anything about searching for it and when I said this seems to be a pattern, he agreed that he doesn't know what his problem is.

 

I know there are many red flags here (I am the daughter of a man 20 years sober and know the experience well - I see the potential for a high/crash scenario and the work he needs to do), but I admit it is a hit to the ego. I wonder if the "crazy connection" is realistic after just a two-hour date and it saddens me because I thought the conversation and a connection was there. To top it off, I went back on the dating site and he activated his account again.

 

My pics are true to me, full body shots included. I take good photos, but nothing is misleading. I am always at a loss when things seem to be going positive, then someone turns around and says they didn't feel it.

 

I guess in this case, is "crazy connection" realistic?

Edited January 7, 2017 by selinaluv

[Ronnys93]

He sounds to me like someone who gets off on the chase of seeing women, but isn't really ready for commitment. The crazy "connection" he's talking about sounds like lust to me. When he finally feels like he's got your attention and that he's strung you far along, the excitement of you wears off and suddenly he crashes. Suddenly, there's no more "crazy" connection. I know because I used to be like this.

 

First things first, don't blame yourself. It's not you, it really is him. Next, I think it'd be safe to just move on and don't even bother pursuing him for anything serious. He's not ready yet, and there's no telling when he will be. I'm really not sure what him being in AA has anything to do with it, but maybe some others in here can tell you if they have any experience with that.

[Mystyry]

I am not sure that crazy connection is even possible in an online dating scenario. I know this particular situation can seem disheartening, and weeding through a myriad of poorly written profiles and less than desirable candidate online seems daunting, but it shows again that not even those who appear like decent matches are what they seem on paper. It's just a general dating reality, not just an online one. Looking for a crazy connection and love from the first sight at 41 is less than realistic. Connections and feelings take time, and those are the ones that last.

 

I think you shouldn't overanalyze this and that it was not reflective of you. Could there have been something that turned him off? Perhaps there was. But with all that you know about him and his struggles, this impulsive behavior is not a terrible surprise and he is clearly not prepared or well adjusted for a mature dating scenario yet. It's best you know now and, slightly bruised ego aside, you can easily move on.

[selinaluv]

Thank you everyone for the kind, insightful words. You are all right that he has impulsive behavior and this isn't about me. I also don't believe in a crazy connection after one date, but there is more at play here now I know.

 

I am going to changed the direction of this tread slightly because I just heard some disturbing information about this man and need some assistance.

 

Turns out talking to him that he went to high school in one of my old towns where i grew up. I have a friend still there and they would have graduated together. I was asking if he knew people because it is a small world and he was very evasive. I mentioned my friend and he clammed up. So I moved on.

 

I actually mentioned it to my friend this morning and was venting about the date. He says I dodged a bullet and sends me some information. Turns out my date is a registered sex offender, pedofile, and has an arrest record for lewd acts with a very underage minor. I have a 10 year old daughter and this shook me up.

 

I see all the issues of the date do not matter at all and I did not do my research on my date. I do sometimes and others do not. My friend is close friends with his ex and he lied about his custody, etc.

 

Talking with my friend, we agreed I should report him to OK Cupid. That is my question to anyone here. Can I do this? And does anyone know how? I also plan to research this on my own.

[preraph]

Look, he already had this script he was following and he told you about it. This issue didn't just arise with you. This is how he is. And he knows it. He just doesn't know how to change it. No matter what, this is what was going to happen. He would probably hope to get sex before he hit his emotional wall, but you'd have to be awfully fast and loose to beat him to it.

 

He has some sort of wall, and you can't change him. He's been that way and should be in therapy for it if he wants to change. Just find another guy. Sorry.

[Dis]

Girl I'm sorry, I know you're bummed but I have to admit, the very moment I read that he is a recovering alcoholic I knew this probably wasnt going to end well

 

I have a fair amount of experience with these types of guys and I can honestly say the next time I'd date another one would be...NEVER!

 

First off, even when alcoholics stop drinking or drug addicts stop using, they never lose that addict mindset which this guy exhibits to the nth degree!

 

He's looking for that rush, that unattainable euphoria and when he doesnt get that he takes off because the thrill is obvi gone

 

He talks a good game, most of these guys are pros at manipulating, they did it for however long they drank or did drugs so it comes naturally to them even when they're sober

 

He's perpetually stuck in a child-like mindset. Abusing alcohol/drugs stunts these guys, so let say this guy starting drinking when he was 17...well then his mental age will be right around 17...forever. Most adults know that you're not going to get amazing chemistry with a person you've had one date with. Most adults also know that that amazing chemistry isnt always a good thing nor is it an indicator of long-term compatibility

 

Girl you dodged a serious bullet!! Phew! As a woman who had 2 long term relationships with recovering alcoholics/addicts....pullleeeze consider yourself lucky!

[selinaluv]

Girl I'm sorry, I know you're bummed but I have to admit, the very moment I read that he is a recovering alcoholic I knew this probably wasnt going to end well

 

I have a fair amount of experience with these types of guys and I can honestly say the next time I'd date another one would be...NEVER!

 

First off, even when alcoholics stop drinking or drug addicts stop using, they never lose that addict mindset which this guy exhibits to the nth degree!

 

He's looking for that rush, that unattainable euphoria and when he doesnt get that he takes off because the thrill is obvi gone

 

He talks a good game, most of these guys are pros at manipulating, they did it for however long they drank or did drugs so it comes naturally to them even when they're sober

 

He's perpetually stuck in a child-like mindset. Abusing alcohol/drugs stunts these guys, so let say this guy starting drinking when he was 17...well then his mental age will be right around 17...forever. Most adults know that you're not going to get amazing chemistry with a person you've had one date with. Most adults also know that that amazing chemistry isnt always a good thing nor is it an indicator of long-term compatibility

 

Girl you dodged a serious bullet!! Phew! As a woman who had 2 long term relationships with recovering alcoholics/addicts....pullleeeze consider yourself lucky!

 

Thank you. Now I know I did. I actually rebuffed another man in AA a week ago actually and I am not sure why I let this one in. I guess he was a better talker.

 

But please note my follow up message that I discovered through a reliable source and confirmed it online that he is a registered sex offender (lewd acts with a 14 year old) also with multiple arrests. I feel ashamed I did not see this before.

 

I do want to know if there is a way to report this into OKCupid and if I should. I did report and block him, but does not seem to be a way to communicate this to anyone. Not even sure if I have a right to. But he is very good looking and I imagine other women have fallen for it too.

Edited January 7, 2017 by selinaluv

[Dis]

Thank you everyone for the kind, insightful words. You are all right that he has impulsive behavior and this isn't about me. I also don't believe in a crazy connection after one date, but there is more at play here now I know.

 

I am going to changed the direction of this tread slightly because I just heard some disturbing information about this man and need some assistance.

 

Turns out talking to him that he went to high school in one of my old towns where i grew up. I have a friend still there and they would have graduated together. I was asking if he knew people because it is a small world and he was very evasive. I mentioned my friend and he clammed up. So I moved on.

 

I actually mentioned it to my friend this morning and was venting about the date. He says I dodged a bullet and sends me some information. Turns out my date is a registered sex offender, pedofile, and has an arrest record for lewd acts with a very underage minor. I have a 10 year old daughter and this shook me up.

 

I see all the issues of the date do not matter at all and I did not do my research on my date. I do sometimes and others do not. My friend is close friends with his ex and he lied about his custody, etc.

 

Talking with my friend, we agreed I should report him to OK Cupid. That is my question to anyone here. Can I do this? And does anyone know how? I also plan to research this on my own.

 

Thank you. Now I know I did. I actually rebuffed another man in AA a week ago actually and I am not sure why I let this one in. I guess he was a better talker.

 

But please note my follow up message that I discovered through a reliable source and confirmed it online that he is a registered sex offender (lewd acts with a 14 year old) also with multiple arrests. I feel ashamed I did not see this before.

 

I do want to know if there is a way to report this into OKCupid and if I should. I did report and block him, but does not seem to be a way to communicate this to anyone. Not even sure if I have a right to. But he is very good looking and I imagine other women have fallen for it too.

 

Omgggg!!!! Holy s***, didnt see that coming!

 

I would find someone to talk to at Okcupid. They have to have some type of regulation regarding sex offenders using their site. They have to have a contact number on their site. Dont email them or message them etc. Call them. Sex offenders are dangerous people and I cant imagine an online dating site would want to provide them with an avenue for doing whatever it is they do

 

As for you feeling guilty, girly please dont put any blame on yourself. You were doing what all of us here do, which is opening ourselves up to find a SO. Its not your fault that this world is so messed up. We really shouldnt have to google our dates before we meet them, I never do, but after hearing this...I think its a wise idea now! You sound like such a great Mom, you never wouldve said a word to him had you known this. Its normal to feel shooken up esp since you have a child but this was in no way a result of any carelessness on your part. Cut yourself some slack

 

Wow you really did dodge a bullet!

[selinaluv]

Omgggg!!!! Holy s***, didnt see that coming!

 

I would find someone to talk to at Okcupid. They have to have some type of regulation regarding sex offenders using their site. They have to have a contact number on their site. Dont email them or message them etc. Call them. Sex offenders are dangerous people and I cant imagine an online dating site would want to provide them with an avenue for doing whatever it is they do

 

As for you feeling guilty, girly please dont put any blame on yourself. You were doing what all of us here do, which is opening ourselves up to find a SO. Its not your fault that this world is so messed up. We really shouldnt have to google our dates before we meet them, I never do, but after hearing this...I think its a wise idea now! You sound like such a great Mom, you never wouldve said a word to him had you known this. Its normal to feel shooken up esp since you have a child but this was in no way a result of any carelessness on your part. Cut yourself some slack

 

Wow you really did dodge a bullet!

 

Thank you for the kind words and I know I didn't do anything wrong. I actually consider myself pretty street smart and am just in a little shock at how easy it can slip by.

 

But it really does put things in perspective with this stuff. Here I start out internalizing it was me and why doesn't it work, when in reality I have no idea who this person is and what is going on in their end. At the end of the day, he is someone with serious issues and this goes way beyond any rationale. I think we all need that perspective. We really don't know these people so why put so much on them?

 

I will contact OKCupid directly. I am trying to find their policy and see what we can do. He took his profile down and immediately went back at it when he said goodbye. He duped me though, cause I thought he was a good person.

 

Smaller world is his ex lives in my city. He is not that far away. When my friend noted that he is good friends with her, I (naturally) went to Facebook. She looks familiar and then I realize she was my daughters daycare teacher way back when! We loved her and she was a great person. I am not sure how to process that.

Edited January 7, 2017 by selinaluv

[Survivor12]

I would be very careful accusing someone of something so serious based on hearsay without validating the information. Arrest records are public information as is the sexual offender database. Do your research to be sure before reporting him.

[ElizabethIII]

A crazy connection sounds like something an adolescent would say or someone on hard drugs.

 

Sounds like he needs to grow up. People are ultimately disappointing crazy connection at the outset or not.

[Dis]

Thank you for the kind words and I know I didn't do anything wrong. I actually consider myself pretty street smart and am just in a little shock at how easy it can slip by.

 

But it really does put things in perspective with this stuff. Here I start out internalizing it was me and why doesn't it work, when in reality I have no idea who this person is and what is going on in their end. At the end of the day, he is someone with serious issues and this goes way beyond any rationale. I think we all need that perspective. We really don't know these people so why put so much on them?

 

I will contact OKCupid directly. I am trying to find their policy and see what we can do. He took his profile down and immediately went back at it when he said goodbye. He duped me though, cause I thought he was a good person.

 

Smaller world is his ex lives in my city. He is not that far away. When my friend noted that he is good friends with her, I (naturally) went to Facebook. She looks familiar and then I realize she was my daughters daycare teacher way back when! We loved her and she was a great person. I am not sure how to process that.

 

It just keeps getting stranger...small world for sure

 

And the bold is a fabulous point. We dont know anything about these men so who are we to say they're worthy of us??? Maybe this happened so you could get a little perspective on OLD...Everything happens for a reason

 

So glad this didnt go past the first date!

[selinaluv]

I would be very careful accusing someone of something so serious based on hearsay without validating the information. Arrest records are public information as is the sexual offender database. Do your research to be sure before reporting him.

 

It is not hearsay. I have verified the information and have seen all the details online at this time. It is him and he has multiple mugshots posted online. I also found him on the official state registry.

 

He did admit to me he had done some things he was not proud of. I thought he was referring to his drinking addiction.

[selinaluv]

 

So glad this didnt go past the first date!

 

Yes I see now he did me a favor. I have no doubt our connections turned him away. Not that I really care how he feels at this point...

Edited January 7, 2017 by selinaluv

[salparadise]

I actually rebuffed another man in AA a week ago actually and I am not sure why I let this one in. I guess he was a better talker.

 

Marla? This is quote worthy. Right up there with the one about grade school.

Edited January 7, 2017 by salparadise

[selinaluv]

It just keeps getting stranger...small world for sure

 

And the bold is a fabulous point. We dont know anything about these men so who are we to say they're worthy of us??? Maybe this happened so you could get a little perspective on OLD...Everything happens for a reason

 

So glad this didnt go past the first date!

 

And add to this that it is so true. I needed some perspective and I got it. I am torn between quitting and staying on. I am looking at other venues to meet people as my daughter gets older. I have so many stories but this one takes it all.

[Popsicle]

If someone actually told me that they didn't feel a crazy connection with me, I would not see him again.

[Dis]

And add to this that it is so true. I needed some perspective and I got it. I am torn between quitting and staying on. I am looking at other venues to meet people as my daughter gets older. I have so many stories but this one takes it all.

 

Girl I'm right there with you. I just had a guy flake on me after 3 dates...that was the straw that broke the camal's back. I didnt really care about it that much it just added to my cummulative dating failures. I deleted all my OLD profiles, I just cant do it anymore. After a year and a half of OLD and all the heartbreak I've been through I've come to the conclusion that I'm not cut out for OLD. I'm in nursing school and I start clinicals in a huge hospital this Friday so I'm going to be on the look out for any cute Docs or PAs lol

[preraph]

If he's a sex offender, look in the sex offender registry for his state to confirm.

[selinaluv]

If he's a sex offender, look in the sex offender registry for his state to confirm.

 

I did. It is confirmed... photo and all. Should OKCupid be informed? As a mother, I say yes.

 

I don't care what his intentions are for online. That is the price you pay. He still has work to do.

[selinaluv]

Girl I'm right there with you. I just had a guy flake on me after 3 dates...that was the straw that broke the camal's back. I didnt really care about it that much it just added to my cummulative dating failures. I deleted all my OLD profiles, I just cant do it anymore. After a year and a half of OLD and all the heartbreak I've been through I've come to the conclusion that I'm not cut out for OLD. I'm in nursing school and I start clinicals in a huge hospital this Friday so I'm going to be on the look out for any cute Docs or PAs lol

 

Exactly! As a single mom with her daughter all the time, I am limited in opportunities. OLD makes is easy to get the ball rolling, but it is one thing after another. People always telling me have fun, it should be fun, I'm a catch, I should find someone easy. But those are the people who have been married for years. They have no idea how it is and it loses the fun factor quickly when you have honest intentions. I will look for other options to find people and go from there. If I choose to continue OLD, I will be beyond selective from now on.

 

This may just be my straw.

[spiderowl]

There is nothing wrong with you. He didn't feel whatever 'crazy connection' he thinks he ought to feel. Just drop the guy. If a guy does not want to be with you, that is a very clear indication he is not the kind of guy YOU need. The kind of guy you need would feel an affinity for you and would be very keen indeed to be spending time with you. Try to be glad that you did not end up going out with him for longer and then getting the lack of crazy connection talk. You are now free to date other, more suitable guys.

[spiderowl]

Did he know you were a single mum before you met? If not, it could be that he realised dating you could land him back in prison. He might be on parole and part of that would be to keep away from children.

[Dis]

Exactly! As a single mom with her daughter all the time, I am limited in opportunities. OLD makes is easy to get the ball rolling, but it is one thing after another. People always telling me have fun, it should be fun, I'm a catch, I should find someone easy. But those are the people who have been married for years. They have no idea how it is and it loses the fun factor quickly when you have honest intentions. I will look for other options to find people and go from there. If I choose to continue OLD, I will be beyond selective from now on.

 

This may just be my straw.

 

Omg! Everyone says that to me too! 'Just have fun with it! Its supposed to be exciting! etc etc' I'm like, wtf are you talking about? Its not exciting or fun or anything else thats associated with positivity! Haha, its awful! Maybe for people that dont have their hearts set on finding a SO or of course sex offenders, its probably loads of fun! For us though, not so much lol Its probably much more difficult with a daughter, have to give you credit for putting serious effort into dating and being a Mom. Thats not easy, I'm sure. Ya I think both of us need to explore other avenues. I dont blame you if you've had it with OLD, a sex offender is a pretty substantial straw lol

[Popsicle]

Maybe he thought you were too nice to screw over.

 

I know when I was on the dating site I had a couple of men who wrote to me who were currently in prison, so I'm sure the dating sites know there are fellows like this on there, but sure, go ahead and notify them anyway. I'm sure if it can't be proved that he is committing a crime, they can't prevent him from being on there, just like no one would be able to prevent a sex offender from moving right next door to you.