confusedman87 Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 A lot of this is just me writing my thoughts down, but I really could do with some advice as well. Will be a bit long so apologies in advance! After a 10 year relationship broke down, I started dating again recently and through online dating talked to a good few women to get back into the swing of things, but one in particular that I hit it off with I decided to go on a date with. This was about 2 months ago now and we have been seeing each other ever since. She's a little younger than me, I'm 29 she's 25. Lives about an hour away from me and we are both generally fairly busy. So we don't see each other all the time, maybe once, twice a week. Which I think is healthy to start off with. We do talk all day every day though. From the first date, we really hit it off. Have a lot of common, and mostly it was engaging between us and felt very comfortable. I'm not a casual kind of guy, and was very upfront with her from the beginning that while I'm not thinking of us as exclusive necessarily, I don't date multiple people at the same time. She agreed with this and that she was the same. In general, we have had a great time. We have fun together, we have really opened up to each other in certain areas.... she makes me smile. But over the last 2 weeks or so, things have just seemed a lot more pressured and slightly awkward. I have been feeling more anxious about our relationship than I have been happy at times, and I don't think that's healthy. Part of it is with her, part of it is with me. I'm different from the people she normally dates, typical guys that have a certain bravado and generally don't care much about there partners happiness, usually just in it for the sex. I'm very open, honest with what's on my mind and I genuinely like to talk and engage with someone on a deeper level than small talk. For me the most important thing in a relationship is feeling like I have a partner in crime, someone I can have fun with and be completely myself with, completely open, and in return it's really important that my partner feels the same. She does seem to respond my level of honesty, and says she really likes it, it's refreshing to her. However, she's not quite like that, she's obviously been hurt in the past and because of this she is very guarded, and often very inconsistent in her approach to me. Sometimes she can be extremely caring, open and when it's like that it feels like we have been together for years, very natural. Then she is prone to having a freak out and pulling away very quickly. She knows she does it, she apologises for it and acknowledges it. She says she overthinks things, and thinks in her head she should know immediately if someone is "the one" which she is not sure about with me. She's very clear that she has feelings for me, and that is scares her to get to close because she doesn't want to get hurt. In general, I just reassure her that I care about her a lot, and that everything can be in her own time. Then the next day she can be completely reengaging again and almost pushing us forward!? The main thing at the moment is meeting friends/ family. At 2 months in I said I'm not expecting her to and again, when she is ready I would love to meet them, but no pressure. What she then tends to do is suggest and put plans in motion for people to meet or do something, and then as soon as it comes round to it do a 180 and freak out. As I write this I was supposed to be meeting her friends for a night out. But last night she had a freak out about it that we are not going to get along and we should "play it by ear". So I messaged her this morning, and just said that I didn't think it was a good idea for me to go tonight as she should have fun with her friends without feeling anxious about me being there. She kind of ignored it in her reply and brushed it under the carpet a bit. If nothing had been said to start off with, I would have thought nothing of it. But because she keeps running back and forth (this is about the 3rd time), it actually starts to cut slightly that perhaps she just doesn't think this is going anywhere and she needs to protect herself. Bottom line is, while I really like her, I mean really like her. I feel anxious and not myself around her at the moment which is definitely changing the way I act. Our first few sexual encounters have been less than stellar, and that's my fault because I just don't feel comfortable with her yet. I can tell it bothers her though as she has a high sex drive and enjoys sex. Which is great, so do I, but for me I need to feel comfortable with someone and have some foundation. I really do have feelings for her, and I'm trying to be as understanding and patient with her as I can. But having been on the receiving end of relationship drama to the extreme previously, part of me is just saying walk away and look after yourself. I don't want to do that at all, but I'm struggling to see consistent light at the end of the tunnel with her at the moment. If I was bring really honest, I would say that I like her more than she likes me, and that scared me, makes me feel very vulnerable. Thoughts? 1
mikeylo Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 It's only 2 months. She wants to take it slow. It's your call - take it further or drop.
Satu Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 snip Bottom line is, while I really like her, I mean really like her. *I feel anxious and not myself around her at the moment which is definitely changing the way I act. Our first few sexual encounters have been less than stellar, and that's my fault because I just don't feel comfortable with her yet. I can tell it bothers her though as she has a high sex drive and enjoys sex. Which is great, so do I, but for me I need to feel comfortable with someone and have some foundation. *You need to listen to what your deep mind/subconscious is telling you. The anxiety you feel comes from repressed fear trying to break through to your conscious mind from its point of origin in the subconscious. The anxiety is the sound of it knocking on the door. To unearth this, I'd recommend that you do some free writing about your thoughts and feelings. Once you allow yourself to fully feel it, you will know what to do. The Health Benefits of Journaling Take care.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 It's only 2 months. She wants to take it slow. It's your call - take it further or drop. Hmmmm...not sure if SHE does want to take it slow intentionally. She's having sex with him. Her up and down behavior is an issue and that is what is the real issue. I think the OP is freaked out about this and the infrequent meeting doesn't help. OP. This woman, likely is very insecure. She may have feelings just as strong as yours or getting there and from your post, she is used to men coming and going. She is truly hoping you are not like them. But her insecurity is placing a lot of doubt. Her up and down is her trying to get a grip on the relationship. You. She wants to believe you're a good thing, but her past adds great doubt. I don't know what to tell you except that you need to really assure her of your sincerity. You need have a serious talk. Assure her and/or lay down your concerns regarding her behavior.
scooby-philly Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 So OP.. 1. Ignore the one blatant "mysterious response" and link to some fake website. I've reported it. 2. As the last poster said....the problem is her behavior. Of course, the sex might be better - but men are allowed (and should be) responsive partners who base the physical on the emotional connection. It's clear from your post (one-sided though it may be) that you like this woman and are giving clear signs and that it's her behavior that's affecting your feelings and probably also your "performance". You definitely need to talk. Someone may recognize their behavior is bad and/or based on "x" or "y" reason. But if they can't change when you give them the opportunities and the consistency - the question goes from her to you - can you continue to put up with this and continue to provide support, reassurance, and those opportunities for her to see a healthy relationship. If you're not of the heart/mind to do that - then it may be tough...but a decision by you will be required. I would advocate looking at what you wrote for starters. She's hot and cold and goes back and forth. Most people have insecurities, but if it's blocking a major point in the relationship....esp when she "says" she is like you and doesn't date multiple people....then it's clearly a case where her behavior doesn't match her words and either she has to change for the relationship to grow or not. If she's unclear about her friends liking you...then she's either not that into you, she doesn't have a solid group of adult "friends" and/or she has been hurt so much in the past that she can't fix yet. So it's conversation time and the first decision to make based on that conversation is....can you put up with this for a while longer?
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