LoveFirst Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 (edited) Hi, Long But NEED Help My girlfriend of 4 years and I (off and on twice, now 3) are going through a break up. I met her when she was 16 and I was 26 online. We started out as friends and our relationship happened as a result of her asking me out after I turned her down 3 times, but steadily fell deep in love with her (was concerned about age difference/long-distance at first) Now, I am 31 and she will be 21 soon. The first time we broke up, it was because I was too in love and it scared me since we were having talks and thoughts of marriage when I had never been in a relationship before (she is my first love/best-friend... never dated because girls interested in me never made me FEEL as she did/does) The 2nd time was due to me not having a lot of money for visits due to no job (rental car, hotel room food etc/searched for a job constantly with no luck) I would see her every month as we agreed once I finally got a job and a car, but sometimes this job would make me work mandatory on Saturday. This caused her frustrations (me as well) so she wanted to end the relationship since I wasn't able to see her 4 months (though we talked on the phone everyday and weekends) Thing is, I think the age difference is in play now. She is really clingy/needy, lived where she couldn't make friends, home schooled so I was literally her whole life since 16 since she was a bit sheltered with friends limited to Facebook. Now at 21, she's making friends she can actually hangout with in person for the first time (like me ironically at that age lol) though her mom had an influence because she wanted to come live with me because her family is highly dysfunctional and make her feel depressed and suicidal (her mom felt I was manipulating her and turning her away from her family when I was just sweet, caring, understanding a loving... or course she's going to want to leave lol) Even though it sucks, she is really immature and needs time to grow up apart from me I feel. Even though we broke up due to her mom making it seem I didn't care to visit her and that I was probably cheating (never did) how she is handling the break up is showcasing her immaturity (plus mommy interference lol) Clingy, needy, jealous, wanting Facebook password, not wanting me to have female friends, not wanting me to talk to female co-workers, not being able to communicate relationship issues like an adult, no GED, no job, can't drive, lack life experience etc. I feel us agreeing that seeing her one day wasn't enough, which is why I didn't drive down Sunday morning (which after months of seeing her a day would've been enough... so that lead to our downfall ironically) So I'm asking, I know I've known her in an adolescent type of relationship. Though I feel this is for the best because she does have growing and maturing to do apart from me (as I stated I was literally he whole life for 4 years for the most part) We were planning to move in together in March though I feel that would have been a mistake now that I can see her behavior/lack of understanding about relationship etiquette and can be disrespectful without being fully aware of what she is doing/saying. In short, she is a child that needs to grow as I did (when she was 18) state that age difference may come into play in our "downfall" (she wasn't understanding about my work situation/lack of money to see her) I never treated her like she was less my equal due to age and I taught her many things. I feel this is for the best as when she grows and matures more and gets an understanding we may find our way back to each other. Like, she will grow her wings and MAYBE use them to fly back to me. I am doing NO CONTACT for 30 days so she can see life without me (she called me after a day when she wanted to break up crying after I skipped a day of talking to her) What do you think? I feel letting her go truly is for the best for now because I don't want her immaturity to be the reason I lose my best friend/cause me to never want to give her another chance. It sounds one-sided, but she does need to "shape up" before she can handle and adult type of relationship apart from the adolescent one ending/grow into a woman. She was a lot of my firsts so I'm just fine keeping her in my life as a lil friend cause I feel like she's my baby along with being my baby who is gonna grow up If we try again, I'll see her Sunday if work Saturday and we'll more that likely move in together to solve distance Edited January 7, 2017 by LoveFirst
Author LoveFirst Posted January 7, 2017 Author Posted January 7, 2017 Hi, I have started NC, but she sent me a text out of the blue. I am not responding. However, I have the idea to send an email of old pictures we too together she may not remember and resumes NC. This way, she will look at them and think of me and the good times. Good idea? Thanks 1
kidm Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 Hi, I have started NC, but she sent me a text out of the blue. I am not responding. However, I have the idea to send an email of old pictures we too together she may not remember and resumes NC. This way, she will look at them and think of me and the good times. Good idea? Thanks Is it a good idea to break NC and send an email of old pics? Yah it's a great idea to break NC and send pics, the same way it's a great way to walk in front of a moving train. She doesn't need old pics to remember the good times and frankly if she broke up with you, that's telling you she doesn't want the good times anymore with you. Continue NC, my friend. 1
Satu Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 You're not doing NC. You're doing 'Waiting and Hoping.' Sending the pictures is ok for 'Waiting and Hoping,' but not for NC. But that's ok, because everything you do is done at your own free will. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete her from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care. 1
spiderowl Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 It may be just me, but it is not clear to me who broke up with who first? Could you clarify please?
spiderowl Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 Hi, I have started NC, but she sent me a text out of the blue. I am not responding. However, I have the idea to send an email of old pictures we too together she may not remember and resumes NC. This way, she will look at them and think of me and the good times. Good idea? Thanks Someone did something similar to me when I had to break off a relationship. I was feeling bad about hurting him and he sent a letter with several photos of himself and talked about how well we got on. It didn't change my feelings towards him, but I felt pretty annoyed as it seemed to me a kind of emotional blackmail. I didn't say anything to him about it but it was not a good idea on his part. 2
basil67 Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 You say that you never treated her as less than an equal because of her age....but your post one is of the most patronising I've ever read. You very much view her as less than equal. Go and find a grown up woman do date. Leave her to mature with boys her own age. 1
preraph Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 Yes, no contact is fine. I would tell her you're doing it to make it easier for both of you or she may think "What did I do to make him this mad?" She certainly does need to be out on her own, making her own living, living with just herself and learning how to be an adult, because she has been oversheltered and then plunged into a long relationship. As long as she isn't so needy she just clings to someone new, the best thing is for her to be on her own and grow into who she'd be without outside influences. 1
Author LoveFirst Posted January 8, 2017 Author Posted January 8, 2017 Is it a good idea to break NC and send an email of old pics? Yah it's a great idea to break NC and send pics, the same way it's a great way to walk in front of a moving train. She doesn't need old pics to remember the good times and frankly if she broke up with you, that's telling you she doesn't want the good times anymore with you. Continue NC, my friend. I see. The main reason we broke up was because I wasn't able to see her for 4 months and I believe a rebound guy came into the picture to fill the void. As she is being immature about the break up, she's saying hurtful things that absolutely are not true on her Facebook. I would not tell one side of the story. Being needy for attention was a big factor. Will do. Yes, no contact is fine. I would tell her you're doing it to make it easier for both of you or she may think "What did I do to make him this mad?" She certainly does need to be out on her own, making her own living, living with just herself and learning how to be an adult, because she has been oversheltered and then plunged into a long relationship. As long as she isn't so needy she just clings to someone new, the best thing is for her to be on her own and grow into who she'd be without outside influences. I agree. Thank you. You say that you never treated her as less than an equal because of her age....but your post one is of the most patronising I've ever read. You very much view her as less than equal. Go and find a grown up woman do date. Leave her to mature with boys her own age. I always treated her equal and ignored her age. All decisions were based on talking and compromising. I never used my age as leverage as that would be of poor taste/controlling behavior. She was always free to disagree and do as she pleases. She had a problem, however, whenever I did as I pleased as she was clingy, needy, jealous and insecure. I worked with her to try to ease her out of that behavior by agreeing not to hangout with females alone. She would get upset about my female co-workers though I know these are all red flags. As I stated, I love her and wanted to help her grow/ease her insecurity. She does need to mature with boys her own age. I agree. Maybe she will come back once she does so. It may be just me, but it is not clear to me who broke up with who first? Could you clarify please? I broke up with her for 7 months when she was 17 (too scared of the love I felt/had a fear of commitment) She wanted me back and kept trying to get her friends to reach me. I took her back those 7 months later. This time, it comes to me not being able to see her for 4 months and her not being fully understanding I have to work when I'm told on Saturdays (then I found out about the new friend she was hanging out with of her brother so I'm sure he's the rebound guy) You're not doing NC. You're doing 'Waiting and Hoping.' Sending the pictures is ok for 'Waiting and Hoping,' but not for NC. But that's ok, because everything you do is done at your own free will. Thanks for pointing that out I never been in this situation so I am learning.
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