heartbroken after 8 years...I'm so ! what did I do wrong?

[tryingtosmile14]

I was with my now ex for 8 years. I supported him through a drug addiction and any other hardship there was. we did take a few breaks, but he always came back saying how much he loved and how grateful he was to have me in his life. We both voiced how much we loved each other daily. We were fine, had a serious discussion about our future and I thought everything was okay. We spent time with each other daily and texted and called each other throughout the day.

 

Christmas eve, he breaks up with me. Just the night before we spoke about our holiday plans and how we couldn't wait to spend this Christmas with our families. There was no explanation really, no emotions, no feelings on his end best way to describe it was cold. He literally said I’m not into “us"anymore and he wants to be single and venture out. I didn’t expect this nor did I see this coming. i havent heard from him since even though I’ve reached out to him. He even told his parents, the reason I wasn't at their home for Christmas was because I broke up with him! I want to beat myself up as I shouldn’t have taken him back the other times, but I thought now that he’s sober, I get the guy I fell in love with back.

 

The new year made this 10x harder as everyone asked me why we weren’t together. I did find out he has been on dating sites for the past 3 months. I don’t understand, was I not good enough? was all my time and dedication to him not enough. I supported him through that addiction, was that not enough for him? I may never get these answers, but I do wish this pain would go away. Everything reminds me of him and what hurts the most is, he’s not worried or thinking about me at all. I just don’t know what to do to get over this..I'm not sure if I should give it a few months and then contact him. I don't understand how he can treat me like I never existed and meant nothing to him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh dear.

 

OP, it's time to take off the rose-coloured glasses you had for your ex. An addict who repeatedly takes breaks from the relationship and goes on dating websites behind your back is not someone who is capable of having a healthy relationship with you. Why all the previous break-ups?

 

The overall dynamic sounds toxic and codependent. Your support through his addictions sadly guarantees nothing in terms of longevity of the relationship, as many partners of addicts find out. It doesn't mean you're not good enough, but it might mean that the relationship only "works" in the presence of an addiction. Once that caretaker role isn't needed, the relationship falls apart. I strongly suggest you look into codependency so you can figure out why you tolerated this for so long.

 

The sad truth is that he was already long gone if he's been on dating sites. My guess is he's either relapsed or he's met someone else. In any case,please start taking better care of you now. You need to cut the cord with him and let this go. After 8 years, surely you will see it's not working.

[tryingtosmile14]

thank you so much for your advice. Each time we took a break he went into a rehab facility. I did read briefly on co-dependence and I realized a lot. I do need to take time to focus on myself, I just can't believe it ended this way.