brads_nnj Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 Not sure why I expect this to help, but I guess I am looking for perspective from other people in the same boat. I've been married for 15+ years. I have three awesome kids that totally changed my life. My marriage is pretty much dead. I don't see divorce in the future because doing it would mean that we would need to sell the house and move to a cheaper town. I don't think either of us could do that to our children. So both of us are kind of coasting through the years. We rarely talk unless it is about shuttling a kid here or there. We haven't kissed in years and have sex about 2x times a year. She won't go to counseling. I thought it was still worth it so I went on my own. The therapist told me that I needed to tell her why I was upset/disappointed/angry/etc... I was reluctant at first, but subscribed to his request and started telling her what was on my mind. My wife listened and pretty quickly asked if I could stop talking to her about this. She told me that she was well aware that I was unhappy and didn't need to know any more information. I feel like I am dying inside. I have a lot of love to give, but I am married to someone that doesn't want it. I could leave and find something else, but doing so would DESTROY my kids' lives. So I am trying to find a way to deal with the resentment/anger/etc... that I live with on a daily basis. Hence....why I am on this site. What have you done? How did you deal with whatever you went through? Did it ever get better? Thanks in advance for any advice or info given.
keiji Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 I feel like I am dying inside. I have a lot of love to give, but I am married to someone that doesn't want it. I could leave and find something else, but doing so would DESTROY my kids' lives. So I am trying to find a way to deal with the resentment/anger/etc... that I live with on a daily basis. Hence....why I am on this site. What have you done? How did you deal with whatever you went through? Did it ever get better? Thanks in advance for any advice or info given. My longest relationship has been 9 years. We were married for two, but it had been dead for quite a few years. Sex was mostly nonexistent. We were basically friends. It's really sad, and guess what? She cheated on me, but it could have easily been the other way around because there's only so much dullness you can put up with. You say a breakup would destroy your kids lives, but have you considered how it is to grow up not seeing any signs of affection between your parents? Kids absorb absolutely everything around them. Even if they seem oblivious, they're not. As to the financial side, things will obviously get harder. I'm leading a much more humble life now (I gave up on a 420,000 euro flat, sold four motorcycles, she withdrew all the money from the bank just days after leaving, sold my car, etc, etc, etc) but also a much happier one. We didn't have kids, but as I said before, children are smarter than we think and I'm sure they prefer their parents to have a healthy relationship as friends.
miltie1916 Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 You are right to do all you can to keep your marriage going. i would urge you to go alone to another professional counselor.
loveiswar101 Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 I feel for you bro. I was married for 10 years, wife had affair and we had 3 kids under 10 yrs of age at the time. What i did learn was that above all was that kids are resilient. I'll be brutal and this is just my opinion. Nothing more and your choice should not be what ever you read here but your own and it's your marriage and your life. Saying that your on here venting which is great. An seems looking for some help. You say your marriage id dead. Sex twice a year and can't remember when kissed last. New's bulletin "it is dead in the water". It's what you decide to do from here that matters. Do you still love your wife? Would be a good place to start... Do love her: Tell your not giving up on this marriage but if she's not going to try (ie counselling etc) your checking out. Don't love her: Check out. Stand your ground and check out. Listen, your not damn happy, your letting another human being control your happiness. That's not life that torture. Could just ask her what she want's...and then make your choice from there about your life and what you want. My opinion is that it's total bull**** to stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids. It might not seem good now but they will understand down track and will proud of what you did. Why because the times after you split you will be happy and the kids will benefit from that way more than being shuttled around as you say. Plus note...you divorce...meet someone else maybe...who's happy now...you...your kids..that's a life!!! Just my thoughts bro. Who know if you do want it to work out and stay together she may agree to counseling once you say your checking out. It will at least be a start to fixing it. But buddy she needs to make an effort. As for me...had a few relationships since but at moment single but in March I'm taking my 3 kids on holiday, their first overseas holiday. Who happy now, me & my kids! 1
VeveCakes Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Staying in a relationship for the kids does worse damage than separating. Get a smaller cheaper house, but be happy. It's a much better thing to teach your children then to live in misery. Children are not dumb and they will resent you in the future for faking your happiness to them. Yeah, it's scary and not easy to go through divorce, but you only get one life. Enjoy it.
PinkPampies Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 I too was in a terrible marriage for 14 years. I would honestly say 12 of them were awful. We did try counseling. I fought for years to stay married , but there was also infidelity, emotional and some physical abuse, and drug and alcohol abuse on his part. In the end, I divorced him. It's been 2 years. My kids are 12 and 14 now and very well adjusted. It was difficult on them the first year I'd say. But they are happy that I'm happy. They completely understand why we got a divorce and they are happier that we are not married anymore. Of course, ideally, everyone would stay married and have a good marriage and keep the family together. I struggled with that decision for years, and would have to say, divorcing him was one of the best decisions of my life. Myself and my kids Are so happy and well adjusted. It's terrible to be in a loveless marriage, so I feel your pain. I'm so sorry. In the end, you ultimately do what's best for you and your children. Look at the whole picture. Don't rule out divorce if she's unwilling to go to counseling. It's YOUR life, and you only get one shot. Trust and believe, your kids probably know you are unhappy. They would feel terrible down the line, if they knew how miserable you've been and stayed together for their sake. They want their parents to be happy in the end. And once the kids are grown and out of the house, it'll still be a terrible marriage. Because once a marriage goes bad, it's bad. Good luck.
The_Onceler Posted January 11, 2017 Posted January 11, 2017 Staying in a relationship for the kids does worse damage than separating. My ex and I officially separated in September. Initially I felt that staying together was ALWAYS better than divorce. My kids are 6 and 8 years old, and although there have been some tears and some tantrums, they seem to be adjusting fine. And I find that I am a better dad to them, even if I see them half as often. Actually, I think that I interact with them almost the same amount as I used to, but now that I do not rely on their mother in any way, I am more intimately involved with my kids than I had been. I do all the shopping and cooking, so I am directly involved in every single thing that they eat. I manage their baths, brushing teeth, flossing, etc. I do the laundry and help them fold and put away. I help them pick their clothes each day. I am there when they are sick to take their temperature. I see them when they go to sleep, and I see them when they wake. I put them on the bus, and pick them up from school. Etc. There are certainly lots of new stresses after the divorce/separation, but on whole, I think it was MUCH better for my kids that we separated, rather than continued on while both being unhappy. And I am happier, too. 1
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