ItsAllConfusing Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 I am 30, single, and mom to 1. I have been single and without sex for 10 years. I have been trying my hand in the dating world and I can tell you I've just been hurt and disappointed. I get a decent amount of messages on the dating profile I had set up but I am rarely ever physically attracted to the men. The one man that I accepted a date from I ended up sleeping with the same night! It was the first time in a decade. (I have posted frequently about this.) I am still trying to get over it. It just didn't turn out how I imagined. I imagined connecting with him again and making it a more frequent thing but he didn't seem to reach out to me in a respectable time. I am ashamed of bumping into him and I keep thinking what's he telling his friends and what does he think of me. I could move on but I can't. I know that I want intimacy for sure but don't want it in the form of a hook up/one night stand again. I am at the point where I keep running back to a guy that has disappointed me time and time again on and off for 3 years. We talk online, phone and text and all he seems to be interested in is sex. I stayed on the phone for 15 minutes listening to him talk dirty to me. I don't know why I did. I could have hung up but I didn't. I recently started talking to another guy online. He showed initial interest in getting to know me and then he started to talk dirty and I engaged in it with him but I got sick of it by the 3rd day. I could have just blocked him and moved on but I didn't. Everywhere I look I see couples here and there. Heck 98% of the people at my job are married. I feel myself becoming desperate and I don't know why. There are many personal things that I need to work on. I plan to just focus on them but I feel myself becoming bitter and shutting down my romantic life and just focusing on work. I find myself not looking twice at men and being jealous of couples. I know that I am not fit for a relationship at the moment but it does not help with my jealousy. Do I seem desperate? How can I stop this? Any advice at all will be helpful!
Grey40 Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 (edited) I am 30, single, and mom to 1. I have been single and without sex for 10 years. I have been trying my hand in the dating world and I can tell you I've just been hurt and disappointed. I get a decent amount of messages on the dating profile I had set up but I am rarely ever physically attracted to the men. The one man that I accepted a date from I ended up sleeping with the same night! It was the first time in a decade. (I have posted frequently about this.) I am still trying to get over it. It just didn't turn out how I imagined. I imagined connecting with him again and making it a more frequent thing but he didn't seem to reach out to me in a respectable time. I am ashamed of bumping into him and I keep thinking what's he telling his friends and what does he think of me. I could move on but I can't. I know that I want intimacy for sure but don't want it in the form of a hook up/one night stand again. I am at the point where I keep running back to a guy that has disappointed me time and time again on and off for 3 years. We talk online, phone and text and all he seems to be interested in is sex. I stayed on the phone for 15 minutes listening to him talk dirty to me. I don't know why I did. I could have hung up but I didn't. I recently started talking to another guy online. He showed initial interest in getting to know me and then he started to talk dirty and I engaged in it with him but I got sick of it by the 3rd day. I could have just blocked him and moved on but I didn't. Everywhere I look I see couples here and there. Heck 98% of the people at my job are married. I feel myself becoming desperate and I don't know why. There are many personal things that I need to work on. I plan to just focus on them but I feel myself becoming bitter and shutting down my romantic life and just focusing on work. I find myself not looking twice at men and being jealous of couples. I know that I am not fit for a relationship at the moment but it does not help with my jealousy. Do I seem desperate? How can I stop this? Any advice at all will be helpful! First of all, this is the place to come to. Everyone here is really well versed, knowledgeable and comforting. I'm a guy, so this is my perspective and I know quite well how our gender likes to handle the scenario. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, especially if you've been deprived of it for so long. It's a human need. However, if you do not wish to continue to have one night stands, you need to be more picky with your standards and be able to look for red flags right away. You need to put your foot down. Hang up the phone when it gets dirty, stop hanging out with men who only talk about sex. Start valuing yourself more. Don't feel that they are the only ones out there. THEY ARE NOT. there are billions of men out there, and they are not all like that. trust me. DO NOT sleep with men on the first date if you want it to become a frequent thing. Even if you are tempted and get turned on by their advances you have to put your foot down and stop it before it heats up. By waiting on sex, you are testing and filtering these men. Men who are actually Interested in you, or want to see you again will make a lot of effort even if you don't sleep with them. You should wait until at least the third date before having sex, and even then might be too soon. If you sleep with the guy on the first meetup, you're giving him an easy way out. If he didn't like you that much, he already got what he wanted from the interaction and sees no more reason to continue it. By waiting, you'll have guys who actually like you as a person and will be more willing to continue something with you. Guys who don't want to wait, will stop talking to you and move on to women who are giving it up easier because there are a lot of women who WILL do one night stands and it's far less effort. Some red flags to watch for: --If they talk dirty within a few days or on the first or second date, cut contact with them. --If they don't ask any questions about you or get to know you as a person, cut contact with them. -- They should offering to take you on a date or do something that doesn't involve sex right away. For example, no guy who is serious about a girl will plan a date at his house for the first or second date. Make sure these guys want to hang out with you in public and not just at night at late hours. As far as the guys being attractive, I have not heard good things about OLD. It appears that there is an overabundance of very unattractive men on there. How many dating apps do you use? I suggest using as many as possible. Most people advise against this because you come off "desperate" but I've never had that problem, and the majority of people DONT use multiple apps, so they won't know you do either. I've seen the same girls on multiple apps before, and I never once thought "wow, she's really desperate." I viewed it as a smart choice, all it does is expand your dating pool. Why limit yourself to one service? You can always wittle it down to just one app, but start with all of them and find which one you have the most success with. I've noticed I have MUCH better results on POF than on any of the other ones. Download all of them and start using them . Greater chances of attractive men. Secondly, do you find yourself attractive? Don't be aiming TOO high. The reason I say this is that the super attractive men on dating sites know they can use it for sex and only sex, and don't take it as seriously. So don't aim for fitness or magazine models. Also, it wouldn't hurt to go out to places where men you find attractive might hang out. Do you have single friends or co-Workers who would go out with you? Pick geographic locations and spots where the kinds of men you like might be. That's my .02 cents for now. Good luck. Edited January 7, 2017 by Grey40 1
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 (edited) You are lonely. You see other couples and you want that for yourself... You are wondering why it happens for others but doesn't happen for you... I understand, because I've had a very similar experience. There is no easy solution except to continue meeting people and wait for the right person to come along... I waited, a really, really, really long time... It will happen, when luck meets opportunity. The good thing is, you will not take it for granted when he comes into your life. The challenge is, don't settle for less than you deserve just because you are lonely... Having phone sex with virtual strangers is not really what you want so it must not feel very good... Listen to your intuition and remember that you really should require more from the men that you invite into your (and your child's) life. Edited January 7, 2017 by BaileyB 1
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 You are a single mom, where would you ever find the time to be just you, and really do things just for you? It can be difficult raising a child on your own. It is time consuming and financially challenging. It starts to show that you haven't been focusing on appearance, etc to attract a potential partner. Not just in a physical sense but also life substance. You need to make changes/improvements, like getting involved in hobbies, interests or join some kind of a group, take up tennis, etc. Start working out, get an updated hair style and cut, up date your wardrobe. It's really competitive out there for sure. So if you want a quality man, you have to put yourself out there as being a woman of quality....just the way it is. Just saying..... 2
sid3 Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 I'd say there's another way to look at it. While it surely hurts to have been alone and sex free for the past ten years or so, consider yourself lucky that you didn't find yourself in an abusive (physically or emotionally) relationship. I'd imagine you've really gotten to know yourself after spending so much time by yourself. I think your only obstacle is looking for perfection in your next partner.
Whodatdog Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 First off, be honest with yourself. You had a one night stand in September, and have been moping about that guy ever since. Theres several threads here about it. As was said in those prior threads, you arent thinking about that guy, you are thinking about the connection you had. You want that again. Only better than what that was, it was only sex (not that theres anything wrong with that, but it seems you want more). You have to start with yourself. You have to love and respect yourself. You have to deem yourself worthy of having a great guy in your life. You have to be comfortable and happy enough with yourself that if a great guy doesnt come along, you're okay with that. You arent there. I know you are lonely, but you are fixated on having a relationship. You can't expect someone to love and respect you until you love and respect yourself. And you wont as long as you are so desperate for anything. Try and work on yourself. Tell yourself you arent going to even think of a relationship for 6 months. Find things to do that you enjoy, that you're good at. Get involved with hobbies, sports. You need to be an interesting and confident person to get others to want to be interested in you. You can do it. You've just lost yourself. Go find her. 1
spiderowl Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 You seem to be putting up with guys treating you badly. This is not good for you because if you allow it, deep down you are telling yourself and your unconscious mind that you are not worth more. Your unconscious mind can do amazing things for you, once it knows where you want to go. You are worth more, you just need to cut out the guys who do not treat you as you wish to be treated. It might take longer to meet someone but probably not as long as you think. Self-respect and confidence changes a lot. Turning down bad offers will increase your confidence in yourself and help you to define what you really want. I don't know if you have any social life at the moment. A social life where you cross paths with lots of different people really increases your chances of meeting someone nice. If you socialise with good people, that makes all the difference because the contacts you will make will share similar values and their friends are likely to be decent too. Are there hobby groups you could join or is there a particular style of music you like? If you turn up at the same venues regularly, you will get to know people and then invitations will flow from there. Good luck!
preraph Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 Try doing more activities where you'll meet guys and if any of the work people are close enough, maybe they can fix you up. You ARE acting desperate. You will make mistakes. If you do want just sex for a night, fine, but don't do it where you have to run into the guy again or he knows anyone you know. I mean, this wouldn't bother me, but it obviously bothers you. Maybe join a church or just find some social activities, bowling league, anything where there's people. And be sure you put on your profiles that you are looking for a relationship and try to weed out at least some of the guys only out for hookups.
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