Get some power/ respect back??

[Nosib1973]

I was in a LDR with a woman I met online. She was kind, sweet and extremely attractive. We talked for a while before meeting and when we met it was like something out of a movie. Our attraction on all levels was off the charts. I fell for this woman like no other... Ever. She said everything that would indicate the same... She loved me, I was her future husband, etc. Our visits were always amazing. In between those trips we talked on the phone most nights and messaged through the day. The connection seemed unreal. I was in love. And she verbalize it herself all the time.

 

Now the rest of it. Several months into our relationship she began to mention a guy who she knew from way back who needed advice, prayer because he's had a tough life. She said he reached out to her on FB. She would just randomly mention this guy every few weeks. I was so in deep for her and trusting it never even bothered me because I believed her as she called him "just a friend". She also mentioned other guys in passing too at different points but I blew it off bc she's really attractive and thought that's just what she has to deal with. But the FB guy was always one who KEPT coming up.

 

Now forward to a few days before my last trip to see her. Again she brings him up and says he wants to come to town to take her to dinner. She told me she told him it was ok with me because she knew I'd be ok with it. Then was when I started to get worried. But she said don't worry you're my future husband! He's "just a friend". Ha ha... I can laugh now.

 

Well that night she got home real late but explained it away. They met up with other friends and everyone had so much fun. We had a talk and reiterated we were in an exclusive relationship.

 

All was good again and I flew in a few days later. We had an amazing several days... Except for the last one. on the last day there this gigantic steroid jacked guy shows up at her church and tries to assult me! It was that FB guy of course. After the incident she explains it away and says he's crazy and reads too much into things. She tells me she loves me and I go home believing it all.

 

Three days after I'm home she attempts to dump me over text. She blames it on not enough time for a relationship, money, focus on her kids, etc.

 

Well for 2+ weeks I try to get her on the phone and of course that doesn't happen. Finally at that point over text She says she's falling in love with that guy. Says she'll never be good enough for me blah blah blah. This was after I point blank asked in the preceding days if it was him and She denied it.

 

I of course was devasted and crushed beyond anything ever before. I stupidly chased her after that as she would say she had ended things with him about a week later. Well I chased for about 3 months. During this time that guy broke into her house got arrested and she told me she was scared of him, etc. So I stupidly hang in there thinking I have a chance.

 

All this time I'd say I was 70% at fault trying to keep it going. But I would get strong and initiate NC. And everytime I would and a few days would go by she would chime in and I'd take the bait.

 

About 10 days after her broke into her house they both annouce on FB they are in a relationship! WTF?? I again take the bait and try to convince her it's a horrible idea all the while thinking I have a chance. Yeah she's in a relationship with him and still messaging me... Trustworthy girl right there. Finally about 2 weeks after that I come to my senses enough to go NC. But even my last message to her was "nice" goodbye you could say.

 

That was 4.5 months ago. I was still hurting bad, had to go to couseling for help. Anyway about a month after I go true NC she messages my daughter on SnapChat. I go on FB (his page because she has me blocked) because I think what's going on with her?? I see she's now engaged to this idiot! Of course that stirred things up in me bc my emotions from the lies and betrayal were still a bit raw. I sit on it but finally decide it was approriate to tell her not to message my daughter. But I also say to her in terms I never had before that "it sucks to be lied to and cheated on by who I thought was my best friend". and mentioned how this all hurt me. I did say "I was keeping busy and living my life" as well. I did say not to contact us as long as that guy was in her life. At the time I just had to put that last thing in there bc I was still holding onto a sliver of hope she'd leave him.

 

That was 3 months ago. I haven't heard a thing from her since which is great. I just now have really healed enough once I finally took her off the mental pedestal I had her on and realized how bad she did me. And how easily she threw me away. I'm doing good in that regard.

 

The only thing still bugging me a bit is how stupidly I chased her and let her put me in friend zone to ease her guilt. That's what bugs me now... Is that she got away with it for so long bc I let her.

 

I truly do not want anything to do with her anymore but some part of me wants to gain my respect back as it pertains to her. I have my pride. I guess I wish there was some way she would have been left with having to think about her actions.

 

I have mixed thoughts on my last message. Maybe it was good bc it called her out a bit finally? Or maybe it was what she wanted bc I did respond and fed her ego again?

 

Sometimes I think when I've 100% (I'm close now but not quite) forgiven her (meaning I let go of the hurt she caused entirely) I could send her an email saying just that: "I forgive you and hope you find what you're looking for". I guess I feel like possibly I could get my respect/ power back some that way?

 

My counselor doesn't think it's a horrible idea. I guess I just hate the way I disrespected myself and let her string me along like she wanted. I guess I want my respect back and her to think about her actions (even though I never want to hear from her again).

 

I know this was super long but that's my communication style. Any thoughts are really apprecited!

[Nadine123]

Don't send anything. Just disappear. You'll get over it by time. She doesn't care about your text and will probably take it that you;re still thinking about her and is butthurt.

 

There is nothing wrong with chasing her. This is a girl you loved. Nothing to do with pride or ego. If you text her now then yo dont have any self-respect in my opinion

[marky00]

I agree with Nadine.

 

 

I have been through the same as you my friend and I am also like 5 months NC.

 

 

Unless you get some grand apology or whatever, this girl only deserves one thing, a "Silence Sandwich".

 

 

Anything else, you will regret it later.

 

 

This is what will give you the dignity you seek.

[Nadine123]

hahah marky. The ''silence sandwich'' just made my day.

[BluesPower]

OK, first of all... Don't fall in love so fast. Have we learned that lesson yet?

 

Second of all, never, ever, ever beg a woman to be with you, lesson #2, have you learned that yet.

 

Third of all, for goodness sake, go out and get laid please.

 

Look, if a woman does not want to be with you, man let it go. She is a cheating nut job. I am guessing that you see that now.

 

Look, also, you are not a kid, learn from this, and don't put yourself out there long distance like this again.

 

There are plenty of women that you can date, actually date, that are close to you.

 

So stop all of this LDR foolishness and get real. You are old enough to know better.

[Nosib1973]

OK, first of all... Don't fall in love so fast. Have we learned that lesson yet?

 

Second of all, never, ever, ever beg a woman to be with you, lesson #2, have you learned that yet.

 

Third of all, for goodness sake, go out and get laid please.

 

Look, if a woman does not want to be with you, man let it go. She is a cheating nut job. I am guessing that you see that now.

 

Look, also, you are not a kid, learn from this, and don't put yourself out there long distance like this again.

 

There are plenty of women that you can date, actually date, that are close to you.

 

So stop all of this LDR foolishness and get real. You are old enough to know better.

 

 

Blues I appreciate the response but man you weren't in the situation so you have no idea what this woman was like. She was a master at making men feel awesome and combine that with her looks and she was hard to resist.

 

Lesson 1: I feel in love several months in. Really after she had been her a few times and even was helping me with my business.

Lesson 2: yep, good point I know now. She threw me breadcrumbs and I took them.

Lesson 3: already done it my friend.

 

I will say it was extremely hard just to walk away given how she made me feel. I wish I could have that quickly as you say.

 

As for LDR... My brother is married to a girl from Australia so a less than 2 hour US flight seemed doable.

 

To your last point "plenty of women" to date locally? Man, all I'll say is you do not live here. It's TOUGH sledding. Believe that one.

 

Thanks for those tips though.

[Nosib1973]

I agree with Nadine.

 

 

I have been through the same as you my friend and I am also like 5 months NC.

 

 

Unless you get some grand apology or whatever, this girl only deserves one thing, a "Silence Sandwich".

 

 

Anything else, you will regret it later.

 

 

This is what will give you the dignity you seek.

 

Thanks Marky, I won't send anything. Do you think my last message will do anything to make her reflect though? I know it doesn't matter but I just hate it when people like this get away with treating others like trash.

[keiji]

 

The only thing still bugging me a bit is how stupidly I chased her and let her put me in friend zone to ease her guilt. That's what bugs me now... Is that she got away with it for so long bc I let her.

 

I truly do not want anything to do with her anymore but some part of me wants to gain my respect back as it pertains to her. I have my pride. I guess I wish there was some way she would have been left with having to think about her actions.

 

I have mixed thoughts on my last message. Maybe it was good bc it called her out a bit finally? Or maybe it was what she wanted bc I did respond and fed her ego again?

 

There's nothing you can do about your past actions anymore. I think you've already regained your self-respect by not contacting her and let her drown in her own misery with that gym specimen. It would be great if we could just man up when we're mistreated and never chase them, but most of us plead and do things that make us feel embarrassed in hindsight.

 

I'm in a similar situation where I'd really like to speak my mind to a girl I've had a terribly toxic relationship with on and off for 6 years (ended in July). She keeps contacting me and it's getting more and more irritating to a point where it made me realize (at last!) how badly she treated me. Yesterday I came out of the restroom in a bar and there she was, apparently happy to see me. I didn't even stop and just said "It's freezing, huh?" and kept walking. So yes, there's that little well of resentment, but it's not worth the effort to let them no. It won't change anything if you message her, even if it's a positive message. You're doing the right thing, imo.

Edited January 7, 2017 by keiji

[Nosib1973]

Hey Nadine, just curious as to your insight as a woman. Why do women like this handle things this way? By that reassuring me we were solid and saying love, marriage etc just days before dumping me for a truly unstable guy?

 

I grew up in a great family and have never done anyone like this. So it's hard for me to get my head around.

[marky00]

Thanks Marky, I won't send anything. Do you think my last message will do anything to make her reflect though? I know it doesn't matter but I just hate it when people like this get away with treating others like trash.

 

No, trust me, that message would have had the opposite effect of what you hoped.

 

 

Silence forces her to evaluate everything on her own, she needs to work through it all without you in the picture.

 

 

You see, when you send a letter or send a message you are unloading your weakness or w/e on her. Its totally natural but slightly selfish and unattractive.

 

 

But, if you stay silent, you are showing leadership by staying emotionally strong. She will respect that a lot more and it will also be the greatest lesson you can give her.

 

 

Regarding your last message, provided you stay NC, it will soon be forgotten. Plus, you have shown her you cared so she knows that. Now you pull the pin completely and let her deal with all that guilt on her own.

[jamili]

I agree with Marky, DO NOT SEND any letter/email/text with any intention of getting her to reflect, it won't have that effect. It will cause her to pull away HARD. Trust me, I did that with my ex.. when we initially broke up I did the wrong things like trying to fix the relationship and talk with her (pretty ironic that this causes the opposite effect, right? But it does). Then, I started ignoring her until I moved out - which causes her to send me about 20 texts per day, at least. Once I finally moved out of there, I finally sent a big text, with the hope of her "reflecting" on it and seeing where she went wrong - I called her out on her issues, asked her to stop texting me incessantly and wished her luck. I did this to stand up for myself, and try to show her where she went wrong so she could think about it. The result? She promptly told me she was initiating NC on me, and that was it. For months I beat myself up, regretting the text, wondering if I had just moved out of there and continued to ignore, if her incessant texting would eventually lead to her breaking down and crawling back... and I had somehow thrown a wrench in that possibility by revealing my emotions. I regret sending that to this day. You will regret it too.

 

That was 4 months ago. I have no idea if she reflected on that message or not... but just trust us when we say DO NOT SENT IT. You will regret it, and it will set any chances for reconciliation back. NOT worth the risk. Let her reflect on her own, without your stimulus. Keep strict NC like Marky suggested, it's probably the only possible way to gain any respect back. If they know you care, they lose respect. If they think you are over them and don't care, you gain their respect. It's backwards and will make you hate humanity with a passion, but it is reality.

Edited January 7, 2017 by jamili

[Sweetfish]

Hey Nadine, just curious as to your insight as a woman. Why do women like this handle things this way? By that reassuring me we were solid and saying love, marriage etc just days before dumping me for a truly unstable guy?

 

Its foolish to think this is a character trait that only women are capable of doing. Its human nature and its the splitting of the persons personality. One part of her believes she will marry you and another part of her has emotional desires. In reality your dealing with two different people in one.

 

This is how people can cheat and go home to their S.O. and sleep soundly. This is how people steal and later critize those who get caught stealing. Its literally two individuals in one person and they can switch roles to suit their needs.

 

Thats why after a breakup the person behavior maybe appear absolutely different.

[spiderowl]

You are gaining your pride and self-respect back by not engaging with her in any form. She has no choice but to miss you now. You have taken back control of your life. You don't need to do anything else.

[preraph]

I'm confused by the friendzone talk at the end and the "best friend" language. Did you or did you not have an ongoing sexual relationship with her?

[Been]

The more you remain silent the stronger you become.

She lied and cheated on you-you think an email stating how you feel is going to change how she is???

I know their is slot you wanna say to her. But ask yourself if it would make a difference. You want vengeance? Live your life for the fullest. Let this propel you to try things you always wanted to do. Do great things.

But DONT waste your time on someone who never did or never will treat you right.

[Nosib1973]

Preraph, yes I thought she was my best friend. We communicated all the time. And yes we did have a sexual relationship. It was very intense.

 

But then I chased and let her friend zone me after she dumped me for another whack job guy.

[Nosib1973]

Yes we did have a sexual relationship. It was very compatible and intense. I also thought she was my best friend. We communicated all the time. Why do you ask this?

[preraph]

I asked because on here, we get a lot of guys who are strictly in the friendzone but think they are in a romantic relationship when they are not. So now I'll reread your post and see what I can make of the situation.

[preraph]

Okay. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Here's how I see the situation in a nutshell. You had a mutual relationship and then she met someone she wanted to go out with, even if it meant losing you, but she lied to keep you on the back burner for as long as she could get away with it. That's not at all a nice person who does that.

 

He is obviously chaotic, and she knows that and LIKES it. She chose that excitement and chaos over you. This is a moment that tells you something about her that you never knew. Now, why is another question. Could be this is what is familiar to her from her parent environment growing up and seems real to her. Could be she's an adrenaline junkie who just likes a lot of drama. I mean, your description of your early relationship did sound like a lot of romance and drama. Nothing wrong with that when it's all honest and not deceptive.

 

She didn't care enough about you in the end to stop her from hurting you badly, and that is why I think you must come to a point where you realize this is important information to know about her, and simply let her go.

 

I do not agree with your therapist that writing her is a good thing or will salvage anything. I personally believe moving on and living well is always the best revenge for any situation. You can't let go if you're still reaching out to her -- and she does not have enough depth of feelings or morals not to take advantage of your desperation and just continue to hurt you. She did it once and she'd do it again, make no mistake.

 

Please just realize you have now seen the dark side of this woman and she's not who you hoped she was, and move on. You sound like a really nice guy, and you WILL find someone who deserves you!

[Nosib1973]

V

Okay. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Here's how I see the situation in a nutshell. You had a mutual relationship and then she met someone she wanted to go out with, even if it meant losing you, but she lied to keep you on the back burner for as long as she could get away with it. That's not at all a nice person who does that.

 

He is obviously chaotic, and she knows that and LIKES it. She chose that excitement and chaos over you. This is a moment that tells you something about her that you never knew. Now, why is another question. Could be this is what is familiar to her from her parent environment growing up and seems real to her. Could be she's an adrenaline junkie who just likes a lot of drama. I mean, your description of your early relationship did sound like a lot of romance and drama. Nothing wrong with that when it's all honest and not deceptive.

 

She didn't care enough about you in the end to stop her from hurting you badly, and that is why I think you must come to a point where you realize this is important information to know about her, and simply let her go.

 

I do not agree with your therapist that writing her is a good thing or will salvage anything. I personally believe moving on and living well is always the best revenge for any situation. You can't let go if you're still reaching out to her -- and she does not have enough depth of feelings or morals not to take advantage of your desperation and just continue to hurt you. She did it once and she'd do it again, make no mistake.

 

Please just realize you have now seen the dark side of this woman and she's not who you hoped she was, and move on. You sound like a really nice guy, and you WILL find someone who deserves you!

 

Wow preraph! Thanks for taking the time to look at this. What you say is incredible insight and really helpful.

In fact she was married twice before meeting me. And I do know both of her marriges were to a very controlling man and to one with severe anger issues (the last one even held a gun to her... At least she told me that). And the first was always after her during our relationship. He even divorced his 2nd wife when she left HER 2nd husband.

 

I also know that she was not close at all with her dad even though he lived in the same small town. She also told me that her father cheated on her mom numerous times growing up. And her mom left him as soon as she turned 18 and moved away.

 

But yet on the surface if you met her youd be extremely impressed with this woman. She seemingly had it all. And I fell for her like no other. It's so strange how someone can have 2 very different sides to them. I'm a VERY trusting person and she abused it to the extreme with a smile on her face. But you are right she did have a VERY dark side to her. Not once did she ever apologize for what she actually DID to me and all the hurt (just once she said she was sorry that I "was affected" by this).

 

It's really kind of sad that she keeps doing the same things over and over. You don't know how much of a kick in the gut it was to find out she got engaged to this guy just shortly after dumping me "her future husband". I'm the complete opposite of that guy... But you are so right. She likes that chaos.

 

Thanks for your kind words! You have helped a so much.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Nosib1973

[preraph]

You are very welcome.

 

Well, all that info about her past husbands and her dad, you can see that this is, unfortunately, a deeply engrained issue she has. This is the norm for her. Growing up, this was her modeling for what a real relationship is!

 

I feel she may be less than empathetic and cold because of these issues from her childhood. She may view men as bullet-proof. She's so used to this bad treatment going around her household that her attitude is probably kind of unsympathetic, as if this is just the way it has to be.

 

So as many virtues as she had on the surface, this is her deep down. I'm so very sorry. But you don't want her raising your kids! She doesn't know how to be a good role model because she didn't have one.

 

You will find someone better. This is why it's good to be with someone a long time before you start getting married or having kids. It can take years sometimes to see all the sides to a person.

 

Take care.

[Nosib1973]

Hi guys, to those of you who were on this thread take a look and give me your take?

 

So the ex I talked about... She just texted me 8 months after dumping me. I chased for 3 months. I haven't heard from her in 5 months. anyway she issues a huge apology for what happened. She admitted that the guy she left me for is nuts. She said she was wrong about me and said me and my family were wonderful. She said she's worked on herself a lot and is regretful for what she did to me. Said she was so sorry for everything. She said "you don't have to respond" but she hopes I'm happy and doing well.

 

I'm actually pretty calm right now and it feels good to know I was right about that guy (if you remember I chased her for months trying to convince her he was a bad guy). It feels good to have the appology.

 

This is a woman who still goes through my mind on a daily basis. And I did think we had an amazing connection. One I have never felt before. I thought she was the love of my life. But I also know she was very insecure.

 

People on here have always said that the jumpers need to reach out first.

 

I still in my heart think fondly of the great things about the relationship. The message was not her saying let's get back together. It was a heartfelt sincre apology. I wpyldnt mind talking to her. I still do care for this woman but also want to be wise.

 

What should I do?

[Offspring]

And how easily she threw me away. I'm doing good in that regard.

 

The only thing still bugging me a bit is how stupidly I chased her and let her put me in friend zone to ease her guilt. That's what bugs me now... Is that she got away with it for so long bc I let her.

 

The mistake that people make by trying to get their self respect back is thinking that they need permission from others to respect themselves. Therefore, a text message will not get you your self respect back.

 

The only way to get your self respect back is to actually respect yourself, and walk away. I know how it feels to feel violated and that you have lost your self-respect, but you need to forgive yourself, look at why you let somebody walk all over you, as well as getting too emotionally involved so early on, and correct this in yourself, so that you have better relationships in the future.

Edited January 22, 2017 by Offspring

[preraph]

It shouldn't surprise you that now that that is not going on, she's hoping to reunite with you -- until the next time. I think if you go back you're just asking for this to repeat over and over again. She has NOT done work on herself. That kind of work takes years. It's a line. If you let her do this to you, she will do it again. I wish I could be more positive and happy for you, but I can't. I'd tell any woman the same thing.

[Nosib1973]

It shouldn't surprise you that now that that is not going on, she's hoping to reunite with you -- until the next time. I think if you go back you're just asking for this to repeat over and over again. She has NOT done work on herself. That kind of work takes years. It's a line. If you let her do this to you, she will do it again. I wish I could be more positive and happy for you, but I can't. I'd tell any woman the same thing.

 

Preraph, I hear what you are saying. I am not sitting here thinking let's try to reunite at the moment. I actually feel the best I ever have because finally all the seconded guessing about myself and what I did "wrong" in my mind is gone with her apology.

 

I feel like I may want to talk to her though... Just talk. Your thoughts?