Am I being too mean to her?

[Reltubsirch0412]

Last summer I met a woman online.

 

The relationship quickly turned sexual, around date three. I was spending entire weekends at her place and spending many weeknights with her. The more I learned about her the more I realized many of her lifestyle habits weren't compatible with mine. She never exercised. She either spent her days sleeping or watching TV. She never wanted to go out. I didn't say anything although I knew at some point a conversation about resolving these differences was inevitable and that it may or may not result in a breakup.

 

One weekend last August her parents invited her, me, her brother and his family on a weekend trip to a lake area 200 miles away. On the way up, after we've been together for a month and a half, she tells me she smokes although she's never done it in front of me thus far....even though she said on her dating profile she doesn't smoke and I even told her on the first date I can't be around cigarette smokers for health reasons. So I resolved I'd finally have a chat with her but only after we got back home. I didn't think it wise to have this conversation with her family around.

 

We rented cabins. Everything was going well. In the late afternoon she starts complaining about how tired she was. She was tired a lot. I told her I'd had similar problems 10 years prior and found out I had a thyroid condition. I politely asked if she's been looked over because it's unusual for a woman in her mid-30s to be this tired all the time. She got angry and kept her distance from me the rest of the evening. She even refused to sit by me when we all had dinner together.

 

So, at this point I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable AND trapped. We're 200 miles from home and we came in her car. I can't leave.

 

Later that evening her family wanted to go to the lake area's Welcome Center to do some type of activity for her two young nieces. I'm an introvert. I told her this the night we met in person. At this late hour of the day I was tired and needed to recharge. Plus, I'm in a very awkward situation with her being angry with me, her family being there and my self consciousness about the whole situation. And FYI I liked her family very much. To recharge my energies and because I felt too awkward facing anyone I stuck my face in a book I brought with me while she browsed the Welcome Center's gift shop.

 

I could sense she was even more angry with me now than she was earlier. Finally, back at the cabin when I had some time alone with her I asked if I did anything wrong. She said she was furious because I read a book while her father sat at an adjoining table, and I didn't engage him in conversation (even though I had talked to the man off and on all day). She basically said we were done as a couple but that I was to behave as if everything was normal for the rest of the trip, if only for the sake of her parents. I agreed I would. I didn't sleep a wink that night because of my discomfort over everything going on.

 

The next day, when we were free of her family and on our way home, we broke up in her car with about 200 miles to go. It was an unpleasant ride home, and she told me she knew she was way more into me than I was into her. Over the next two weeks, though, she and I exchanged a few pleasant phone calls and text messages. Then she got fired from her job, and I didn't hear from her for a good two months. I assumed she'd moved on and was spending her time and energies trying to find another job.

 

I heard from her again on Election Day here in the United States. She sent a text because she knew how important the election was to me. She said she got a new job but still spent most of her days and nights crying and had decided to shut out most of the people in her life by deleting all of her social media accounts. She said she needed a friend....which I was fine with being. I try to be compassionate when I can, although I know a lack of it is sometimes a weakness of mine. But the more we talked, the more she kept asking me to come over and start spending nights with her and cuddling with her again. I made excuses that I couldn't because I was too wound up over election returns (which was true). Also —*and I DIDN'T tell her this — I'm not interested in a relationship with her again. I didn't want to do or say anything that would make her think otherwise.

 

She asked me to call later in the week, which I tried to do. We played phone tag once or twice. To be honest every time I called I hoped she wouldn't answer. She called one time when I was free and I just didn't answer. I called one last time when I knew she was unavailable...just to show that I called (yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either but that's just how it went).

 

Two months have gone by and she has made no attempt to reach out. Maybe she finally figured out I really do have no interest in getting back with her. I really don't want to go through that kind of drama again, plus I thought it was unacceptable of her to treat me the way she did at that lake in August when I couldn't leave. I also thought her behavior that weekend was a major overreaction.

 

The past two months, however, I've felt some guilt. She said I was the only friend she felt comfortable enough confiding in.

 

Am I being a cruel person by not being her friend when she says she needs one?

 

Or is this much ado about nothing in my head?

[Tyler_Tyrell]

I think you're doing the right thing. It seems she's quite a problematic person and she has to sort out her life and her social relationships by herself. You can't be her only rock to cling on, especially since she's shown signs that she may want to get involved again with you (perhaps out of loneliness).

 

I don't think it would be entirely wrong for you to reach out to her, but not out of guilt; do it if you're genuinely concerned about her, but make it clear that you only want to be friends and that you can't be the one to solve her problems.

[fromheart]

I had a similar siuation, the woman who dumped me expressed an interest after me going NC, but still chatting as friends once in a while. I had no interest in going through the dramas again.

 

You've done the right thing, sounds like you have your head on your shoulders. You've also been polite enough in backing away. Maybe suggest she start dating other men.

 

As you've pretty much walked away firmly knowing what you want from life, and knowing you don't want this sort of immature drama, she has been very much re attracted to you, without you trying. Dumpees take note.