Not obligated to spend time

January 6, 2017

Hey guys!!

Little background- been seeing this wonderful man, absolutely adore him and feel so loved! Work through our differences like adults and things are generally great! Apart from my recent panic over him flying to Berlin (which if you've read my previous posts, he did and reassured me and kept me in the loop throughout because I panicked a great deal as he flew the day after the berlin xmas market attack)

Question now- Bf has two months off as he's switching jobs and he's been doing tonnes of travelling in europe and now has gone back to his home country to spend the rest of the month before his new job starts in feb. He always says he misses me so much when we talk, if he misses me so much then why is he not taking time out of his multi-city holiday to spend time with me? I have collectively seen him for 6 days in the past month and I was reflecting on my commute back from work today, why did he not choose to spend a part of his holiday with me? I know this is a question only he can answer but I would appreciate your thoughts on how I can bring this up to him (because I miss him too!!!! and we don't live in the same city, in fact he will be moving a further 2.5 hours away from february) without sounding like he is obligated to spend his holiday with me?

I fully respect his choices but my brain can't stop questioning why he can't spend time with me when he's sad about missing me?!

Thank you lovely people

January 7, 2017

Is it physically feasible for him to spend the time with family and to spend some with you? You don't mention how far away his family is. But, I think you are asking a good question. If he does not feel a need to spend some of his holiday with you, then maybe you should spend less of your time paying HIM attention. What you don't want to do is to end up in a situation where he travels around without a care, safe in the knowledge that you will be waiting for him back home. Let him wonder where you will be and why you cannot spend all your time with him. What's sauce for the goose ... and all that.

January 7, 2017

Is it physically feasible for him to spend the time with family and to spend some with you? You don't mention how far away his family is. But, I think you are asking a good question. If he does not feel a need to spend some of his holiday with you, then maybe you should spend less of your time paying HIM attention. What you don't want to do is to end up in a situation where he travels around without a care, safe in the knowledge that you will be waiting for him back home. Let him wonder where you will be and why you cannot spend all your time with him. What's sauce for the goose ... and all that.

Unfortunately, his family lives in Asia while I live in the U.K (where we met etc) so he can't really spend time with him family and me. I knowwww, I'm not a huge texter and when I see his messages saying he misses me I get grumpy?! Like hello?? miss me then spend time with me?! Hmm but I don't want to be passive about it, I do want to bring it up to him without sounding like he needs to spend time with me. Because hey, if he wanted to prioritise me then he would've right?

January 7, 2017

If you are in UK and he is traveling over Europe then he is just a few hours away no matter where he is. Why not meet in one of those countries for a romantic weekend?

January 7, 2017

If you are in UK and he is traveling over Europe then he is just a few hours away no matter where he is. Why not meet in one of those countries for a romantic weekend?

I have a foreign passport that needs a visa!!! but definitely good idea for future reference!

January 7, 2017

Does he currently have a lot of disposable income? Maybe he's trying to save now for his upcoming move after doing all that prior traveling.

January 7, 2017

He says that he misses you? Unless a persons actions match up with what they say then it doesn't matter. You already know this so the question is why doesn't he want to spend the time with you.

January 7, 2017

He says that he misses you? Unless a persons actions match up with what they say then it doesn't matter. You already know this so the question is why doesn't he want to spend the time with you.

Interesting, I still feel it's worth having a conversation with him about it. I'm just not sure how to bring it up!

January 7, 2017

So right now he is in Asia for the next month and you are in UK. I think you are asking a lot out of him to travel to you. I imagine it's expensive to travel back to UK and back to Asia.

You mention you are bad on text so how about you fix that first and you and him skype for the rest of his trip.

January 7, 2017

So right now he is in Asia for the next month and you are in UK. I think you are asking a lot out of him to travel to you. I imagine it's expensive to travel back to UK and back to Asia.

You mention you are bad on text so how about you fix that first and you and him skype for the rest of his trip.

I'm not sure if you understand my question...

I don't expect my bf to come back to the U.K to see me but considering he has two months off and he has had two elaborate holidays planned with his friends and family AND he states he misses me, why can he not just add me on his multiple continent holiday? And I would be grateful for suggestions on how to broach this topic without sounding overly demanding or needy! Also, you're right, I should definitely improve my texting but it seems to absurd to text ALL day when he's a foreign country (and he texts ALL day), like, I'm thinking in my head, where you are, try to be there 100%?

January 7, 2017

I'm not sure if you understand my question...
I don't expect my bf to come back to the U.K to see me but considering he has two months off and he has had two elaborate holidays planned with his friends and family AND he states he misses me, why can he not just add me on his multiple continent holiday? And I would be grateful for suggestions on how to broach this topic without sounding overly demanding or needy! Also, you're right, I should definitely improve my texting but it seems to absurd to text ALL day when he's a foreign country (and he texts ALL day), like, I'm thinking in my head, where you are, try to be there 100%?

How long have you two been dating? If he is going to see his family then it is a big thing to take a girl along without them assuming there is something serious going on (like a possible marriage in future). Maybe he's not quite ready for that. But you have every right to feel concerned that he is going away for so long and does not feel the need to spend some time with you too. Why not ask him why he is not including you at some point?

January 7, 2017

How long have you two been dating? If he is going to see his family then it is a big thing to take a girl along without them assuming there is something serious going on (like a possible marriage in future). Maybe he's not quite ready for that. But you have every right to feel concerned that he is going away for so long and does not feel the need to spend some time with you too. Why not ask him why he is not including you at some point?

We've been dating for four months, so it's early days and I really like this guy! But at the same time, I want to be prioritised the way I prioritise him and if that's not going to be the case then I would rather know sooner than later. I certainly don't expect him to take him with me to his home country haha, because I don't have that much time to travel either but you know, he texts me his misses me 10 times a day, I wish we could spend some time together in the U.K, maybe a weekend away? or something? Haha, i feel silly now!

January 7, 2017

I couldn't take it anymore, I told him that I missed too but I wish he would've accommodated me in his schedule and I'm so SHOCKED at his response!

Me-"I miss you too and I really wish we could've spent some together over your holiday"

Him-"I'm sorry I didn't spend my whole two months with you in xyz (where I live) and I'm sorry I never put any effort into travelling between abc (where he lives) and xyz (where I live). [this is him being sarcastic because of the nature of my job, he comes down to my place 8/10 times, but I don't get why this feels like he's trying to use a score card]

I mean, WTF! Why is he so defensive?!?! I'm so shocked and kind of upset?! I don't know...I feel quite sad actually...

Edited January 7, 2017 by falxmanolo

January 7, 2017

This is confusing. Is this a long distance relationship? and now he's traveling left and right but not to you? How many time did you have 'in person' time in those past 4 months?

January 7, 2017

He does sound defensive. OK he is doing a lot of the travelling but that doesn't really answer your question as to why he is taking two months off seeing you. I think it's a fair question.

January 10, 2017

He does sound defensive. OK he is doing a lot of the travelling but that doesn't really answer your question as to why he is taking two months off seeing you. I think it's a fair question.

two days later and I'm still quite upset. We had a conversation and he said he can always spend time with over weekends etc but he can't go back to his home country whenever he wants. And, he said he can't keep everyone happy (his family/friends/gf (me)) and someone's going to be upset. SO HE PICKED ME?!?! I'm so upset!

But what he doesn't realise is that given the nature of our job, we work every other weekend, which would mean I would realistically get to see him maybe one weekend a month IF our schedules don't clash at all. I'm so frustrated. I don't feel like I really rank up in his priorities and I feel angry because I feel like I prioritise him more than he prioritises me. Is he just taking me for granted?

January 10, 2017

two days later and I'm still quite upset. We had a conversation and he said he can always spend time with over weekends etc but he can't go back to his home country whenever he wants. And, he said he can't keep everyone happy (his family/friends/gf (me)) and someone's going to be upset. SO HE PICKED ME?!?! I'm so upset!

How long have you been dating?

But what he doesn't realise is that given the nature of our job, we work every other weekend, which would mean I would realistically get to see him maybe one weekend a month IF our schedules don't clash at all. I'm so frustrated. I don't feel like I really rank up in his priorities and I feel angry because I feel like I prioritise him more than he prioritises me. Is he just taking me for granted?

Of course he knows all about your schedule.

Also in your opening thread you said you worked your differences like adults, what are those differences?

Is this a recurring problem with him to not prioritize you?

January 10, 2017

How long have you been dating?

four months now!! I know i know, too soon for this kind of drama but would rather know he is being a joker now than later.

Of course he knows all about your schedule.

Also in your opening thread you said you worked your differences like adults, what are those differences?

Our sleep schedules, lol. I'm a morning person and he's a night owl and he would oversleep and waste away our weekends but now he wakes up at 11 instead of 2 pm...so it's good! Can still make it for brunch!

Is this a recurring problem with him to not prioritize you?

Not not at all actually. He did always make me feel like our relationship was very important so I'm quite hurt that he can't see my point in this instance.

How long have you been dating?

four months now!! I know i know, too soon for this kind of drama but would rather know he is being a joker now than later.

Of course he knows all about your schedule.

Actually, we're both in the exact same line of work and he did my job this time last year...so he does?? haha

Also in your opening thread you said you worked your differences like adults, what are those differences?

Our sleep schedules, lol. I'm a morning person and he's a night owl and he would oversleep and waste away our weekends but now he wakes up at 11 instead of 2 pm...so it's good! Can still make it for brunch!

Is this a recurring problem with him to not prioritize you?

Not not at all actually. He did always make me feel like our relationship was very important so I'm quite hurt that he can't see my point in this instance.

January 10, 2017

I would more than likely chose my friends and family to spend the holidays with rather than someone I had only been dating for 4 months. I would have to be head over heels in love to chose them over my family.

January 10, 2017

I would more than likely chose my friends and family to spend the holidays with rather than someone I had only been dating for 4 months. I would have to be head over heels in love to chose them over my family.

I'm not sure if you read the thread but my frustration was stemming from the fact that he didn't spend ANY time with me over the two month break he has, not that I expect him to spend two months with me but I'm hurt that he didn't make an effort to spend ANY time with me. But thanks for your input anyway?

January 10, 2017

As I understand it now he's in Asia, right?

And he's an Asia for the rest of the month, right?

Is he there for Chinese New Year?

At 4 months dating I think you are asking him a lot to travel From Asia to UK just to spend a weekend with you.

My assistant is Canadian Chinese, she is leaving for China in 2 weeks. She applied for her Visa last Friday and today she got the news it's ready. She paid a little more to have everything expedited her mom is at the hospital.

If you want to see him this bad why don't you travel to him?

January 10, 2017

I'm not sure if you read the thread but my frustration was stemming from the fact that he didn't spend ANY time with me over the two month break he has, not that I expect him to spend two months with me but I'm hurt that he didn't make an effort to spend ANY time with me. But thanks for your input anyway?

he's given you his answer, albeit sarcastically... but still, there is truth in jest.

The short and simple answer: because he didn't want to spend his time off with you. If he did, this thread wouldn't be here. He wanted to do other things with his time while he had the time to do it. He can be with you anytime while he's working, but he won't have this kind of time off for a while, so he's making hay while the sun shines.

Now, the question is: with that information now, how do you intend upon proceeding?

January 10, 2017

As I understand it now he's in Asia, right?
And he's an Asia for the rest of the month, right?

Is he there for Chinese New Year?

At 4 months dating I think you are asking him a lot to travel From Asia to UK just to spend a weekend with you.

My assistant is Canadian Chinese, she is leaving for China in 2 weeks. She applied for her Visa last Friday and today she got the news it's ready. She paid a little more to have everything expedited her mom is at the hospital.

If you want to see him this bad why don't you travel to him?

I feel that there is a misunderstanding here.

As I understand it now he's in Asia, right?

And he's an Asia for the rest of the month, right?

yes

Is he there for Chinese New Year?

No actually not, Asia is a large continent with many countries

At 4 months dating I think you are asking him a lot to travel From Asia to UK just to spend a weekend with you.

I don't want him to come back in-between his holiday so that he can spend a weekend with me. My frustration lay in the fact that he planned to do a lads holiday and then this family holiday over this 2 month break but didn't factor me in whilst making his elaborate holiday plans. I don't want to taken anywhere, I'm very happy where I am. I just found it VERY annoying that he was so sad while we facetimed and always said he missed me when he didn't even have a plan to spend ANY time with me.

My assistant is Canadian Chinese, she is leaving for China in 2 weeks. She applied for her Visa last Friday and today she got the news it's ready. She paid a little more to have everything expedited her mom is at the hospital.

I wish your assistant's mother a speedy recovery but I'm not going to China lol. As mentioned earlier, few more countries in Asia.

If you want to see him this bad why don't you travel to him? I don't have the time!

January 10, 2017

IMO, your first order of business should be to get your visa situation straightened out so that you can travel wherever whenever.

January 10, 2017

I'm not sure if you understand my question...
I don't expect my bf to come back to the U.K to see me but considering he has two months off and he has had two elaborate holidays planned with his friends and family AND he states he misses me, why can he not just add me on his multiple continent holiday? And I would be grateful for suggestions on how to broach this topic without sounding overly demanding or needy! Also, you're right, I should definitely improve my texting but it seems to absurd to text ALL day when he's a foreign country (and he texts ALL day), like, I'm thinking in my head, where you are, try to be there 100%?

I have a little bit of difficulty to situate this in time.

Your boyfriend had 2 months vacations.

One month is already past.

The last month he'll be spending it in family in Asia.

So your disappointment is that he did not make time to travel to you while traveling over Europe? Ok got it.

When you mentioned it to him he replied something that meant: tough it up. i got a lot of people to satisfy.

Before he left on this 2 month travel did you speak about when you'll see each other again?

Was this 2 month planned ahead of time? If yes it's not that easy to undo and any changes to flights cost money sometimes as much as 50% of price of tickets. At 4 months dating what type of priority did you want?

How long have you known he was leaving for 2 months? Why didn't you prepare your passport and Visa ahead of time and plan meeting him somewhere?

It's also your responsibility to make it happen.

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