No Contact - What are your experiences?

[London28]

Hi everyone,

 

My long-term boyfriend recently broke up with me. He was the love of my life, my best friend and my rock. A few weeks later, while we were still living together I found out that there was someone else. They are now together.

 

I found it so hard to stay in touch with him over the past couple weeks. I found myself waiting for him to message me or clinging on to plans of meeting up (as I agreed to be friends). I realised I had to cut contact. I am now on Day 4 and people who say that it is the hardest thing ever are not lying.

 

I just wondered if anybody had any experiences of how long it took for them to start feeling better, or what experiences you had during no-contact. I get there will be ups and downs and I am trying to keep busy and stay positive but my whole life has now changed. How long did it take for you to start thinking rationally and when did you start seeing the positives in your break-up?

 

Thanks in advance

[BlkVelvet]

I'm sorry this happened OP.

 

Time heals all wounds is really a myth. Its actually what you do with the time that passes that will determine your recovery. Some people stay stuck because they choose not to move on and so actively hang on to the past.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, let yourself grieve and stay away from anything that reminds you of him. NO stalking social media or otherwise. Stay as active as possible and do something every day that makes you feel good. Forgive yourself and then, eventually, forgive him.

 

Realize that if he could leave you, he's not right for you. Your right guy is out there waiting. You will be ok.

[London28]

I'm sorry this happened OP.

 

Time heals all wounds is really a myth. Its actually what you do with the time that passes that will determine your recovery. Some people stay stuck because they choose not to move on and so actively hang on to the past.

 

 

Thank you I really needed this today

[calvin94]

 

Realize that if he could leave you, he's not right for you. Your right guy is out there waiting. You will be ok.

 

This is so true.

 

I am currently going through a breakup myself OP so i feel your pain for sure. Ive realized that the hardest days of NC are around days 3-5. I think thats when we really start to have almost a withdrawal from that person.

 

I'm awful at trying to stay NC as well, but I've found that if you have the urge to message them, message a friend.

 

You will get though it

[Lorenza]

Hey OP,

 

What helps me go through heartbreak is remembering about my previous heartbreaks - moments it seemed like the hurt is unbearable and then moments when I could look back and feel nothing, just be free and careless again. I view it as a natural circle of life, or circle of emotions by now

 

Btw, NC works wonders. It's largely advocated on this site and not in vain. Try it and I promise you will feel better soon.

 

Also, the seeing the positives of a breakup is inevitable after some time, so prepare for an eye-opener soon

[TheSwanGirl]

Yes, it happened the same thing to me. I find it happens a lot, more than I tought.

 

It's been a year and I feel a lot better... But because I've remained no contact (that means, not even seeing his social media) for more than 7 months.

 

Do yourself a favor: go NC.

 

I wish you all the best in the world. You just need to be gentle with yourself, ok?

[fairyfloff]

Its been over 2m and I am finding harder than ever. I have days where I am ok, but then I'd have a crash day where I feel like I've made no improvement in healing and really want to reach out to him (today for example). I think about him all the time but I know the break up is for the best. It's just so hard.

 

I agree with BlkVelvet, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything further to move on & forget though.

[swim808]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this – it sucks. I’ve been in the same boat for the past few months.

 

So far I’m only about a month and a half into the process. I found that week one was insanely hard. I couldn’t stop crying and missing him. The next few weeks progressively got easier. I won’t lie though, from my experience so far I’ve found that it cycles. There will be a good week where I really focus on myself and barely think about our relationship, then something will trigger thoughts of him and I’ll have a few horrible days where friends literally have to pry my phone out of my hands to keep me from texting him. It’s been a few months since our initial break up. It still hurts significantly, but when I think back to how I felt right after it happened, I can see how far I’ve come. With every additional day, I feel myself moving forward a little bit more.

 

Side note: I’m sure you already know this, but if you haven’t already, I would recommend blocking his number. Not just deleting it, but blocking it. After a month of no contact when I was finally beginning to feel like myself again, my ex reached out to ME. Nothing major, just a short text sending good wishes my way. I wasn’t strong enough to ignore it so I answered and was devastated when I got no reply. A week later I get another one from him. Same thing. It definitely set me back, and ultimately led to me giving in and sending him a really desperate text that completely erased all the dignity I had originally left the relationship with. I finally blocked his number last night, and felt it was a major step in letting go. I can’t even describe the weight I felt lifted off my shoulders. Wish I had done it before hearing from him.

 

Regardless, best of luck. Stay strong and know that each day is going to be a little bit better than the last.

[London28]

Hi swim808,

 

I did something so stupid. I broke my 4 day no contact and texted him. He text back but it was a half-hearted attempt to make me feel okay. I don't know if it would have made any difference if I read your post before I messaged him. I feel like this was the inevitable and now I know I got the answer I needed. And that answer told me I need to move on. I have to go through hell but when I finally get out the other side, i know that I will be stronger, safer and happier. Everybody told me not to text him but I ignored them. I am such an idiot to think that he actually cared.

[swim808]

Don't feel stupid! It happens. The important thing now as previous posters have mentioned is to forgive yourself. Don't hate yourself for breaking no contact. Don't hate yourself for believing he cared. You're only human and it's natural to have a lot of emotions after a difficult breakup. Wanting to reach out doesn't make you desperate or any less worthy of love -- it just makes you human and it's okay to slip up. When you do, it's much more productive to invest your time and energy in learning from your mistakes and moving forward as a better person than sulking and hating yourself. No one should have the power to change the way you feel about yourself besides you. You sound like you're on the right track, so I'm happy for you.

 

You will definitely get the urge to text him again. You probably don't think so right now, but I promise you will. Some things I found that helped me were talking to friends and writing about it. Whenever I wanted to text him, I would just text my best friend instead and tell her what I was thinking. It was immensely helpful to get the perspective of someone who wasn't emotionally invested like I was. She definitely helped me more than once to keep from doing something that would've hurt me. Also, this one may seem strange to some people but I think journaling really helps. When I want to text him, I force myself to sit down and write everything out. I start by writing what I would say to him if I could, then finish by writing out all the logical reasons why I shouldn't. Usually by the end of that I feel at peace and don't even feel the need to contact him anymore. It has made my self-respect grow immensely, because I know I can be strong. It's also really nice to be able to look back and see how far I've come from the beginning when I was a mess.

 

Just know that you're not alone! Many of us are going through similar things and every day is a struggle. You made contact, but you can always start again. For me, this is my first really painful breakup. But over the course of the past few months I can already see how positively the whole experience has changed me. I feel that it has molded me into a better, more self-aware person. I am happier with who I am and I feel I am now capable of a more mature and right relationship in the future. Like you yourself said, you will definitely come out of this stronger! This pain is paving the way for you to be ready when the right guy does finally come along Stay hopeful.

[marky00]

BU start of 2015.

 

 

Was LC for all of 2015, like contact maybe once every 2 months.

 

 

Reconnected briefly for a short holiday in April this year. Stayed in contact for next 2 or 3 months (like 2 times per week).

 

 

July, she basically disappeared. Ghosted me.

 

 

I kept my dignity and disappeared as well. Never broke NC and just last week after 5 months she broke NC twice. I never responded because to me the messages weren't enough for me to risk re-connecting.

 

 

But OP know this, dumpers do understand it's hard on a dumpee and will forgive you for breaking NC a few times. However, its in your own interests to hold NC because that allows healing on both sides and kind of resets the feelings and any grudges that were held. This is why the dumper will sometimes break NC and in rare cases, reconciliations do happen.

[London28]

Thank you so much for your support

[fromheart]

Hi everyone,

 

My long-term boyfriend recently broke up with me. He was the love of my life, my best friend and my rock. A few weeks later, while we were still living together I found out that there was someone else. They are now together.

 

I found it so hard to stay in touch with him over the past couple weeks. I found myself waiting for him to message me or clinging on to plans of meeting up (as I agreed to be friends). I realised I had to cut contact. I am now on Day 4 and people who say that it is the hardest thing ever are not lying.

 

I just wondered if anybody had any experiences of how long it took for them to start feeling better, or what experiences you had during no-contact. I get there will be ups and downs and I am trying to keep busy and stay positive but my whole life has now changed. How long did it take for you to start thinking rationally and when did you start seeing the positives in your break-up?

 

Thanks in advance

 

You're doing the right thing by going completely NC. How long it takes for a complete recovery is up to the individual, their perspective and experience on things.

 

The sooner you start working on yourself, the quicker it is. On 1 occasion I shrugged off an incredibly toxic partner within a month, by doing something in my career I'd wanted to do for a long time.

 

She'd hooked up wit someone else within days, but once I found myself in my own work I didn't care. I just felt sorry for the poor guy.

 

Anyway, it will take time for your system to settle but you can dramatically accelerate the healing process by looking after your mental and physical health. That you can start right now, for an instant and natural feel good. Eventually you'll realize that your responsible for your own feeling good, and someone else will affect you alot less.

[BlkVelvet]

Its been over 2m and I am finding harder than ever. I have days where I am ok, but then I'd have a crash day where I feel like I've made no improvement in healing and really want to reach out to him (today for example). I think about him all the time but I know the break up is for the best. It's just so hard.

 

I agree with BlkVelvet, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything further to move on & forget though.

 

Grief is not a linear process. 2 months is really not that long to be over someone you loved. Don't put a specific time frame on when you should be done grieving. That's putting unnecessary pressure and judgment on yourself which only makes you feel worse. Don't do that and dont let anyone else do that to you, either.

 

You said you have good days and then a bad day comes and wipes you out. Yep, sounds about right. You are making progress and moving forward -- that's how grieving works. It doesn't just disappear over night. You gradually will start to have more good days than bad, and on the days the grief does show its ugly face, the pain will continue to lose it's bite. Until one day, you dont feel much of anything. Good old indifference has arrived.

 

Dont be so hard on yourself. You're doing fine.

Edited January 7, 2017 by BlkVelvet

[fairyfloff]

thanks so much blkvelvet.

I am just starting to feel anxiety now after 2m! kind of feel like my progress is going backwards haha