Will she never get it till we break up for real?

[Ultrax]

Hi everyone,

 

For those who want no background, just read the bolded part.

 

I (M21) have been dating F(19) for about 8ish months and we are both uni students, we have been official for about 5 months. This is my third relationship, its her first. We started dating at a massively important time in my life, I'm interviewing at medical schools across the country and running multiple organization supporting various causes I care about while juggling lab/school work.

 

Barring the occasional frustrations that arise due to our busy (more so me being busy) lifestyles I have noticed a really frustrating trend in many of our more serious arguments, which usually arise due to petty things like me needing more support during some extra stressful weeks and her interpreting that as an attack on her character (that's a whole other issue I wont get into).

 

The larger problem is her tendency to think that whenever I have a problem with something that happens in our relationship 'we aren't meant to be'/'you need someone who can do this better'/'this is always going to be a problem'/'I'll never be good enough' despite constant reassurance that everything is fine for the most part but this is just a bump in the road. I genuinely love this girl, and she does love me too, I know that in many ways I am lucky to have her. This trend has happened 3 times so far, today we probably had our most serious argument and it really hit the fan when she brought up the break up idea again (unbelievably rough week with an exam and other commitments so I really got upset).

 

I have brushed this off in the past, she came over today and we made up and I had us write some things we will try to do and hope the other person will do going forward to resolve this argument. However, I just can't shake off the fact that she may never take the gravity of a breakup seriously till she experiences a breakup with her first true love. I have been through breakups, I know the recovery and permanent repurcussions are no joke and when I was in my first relationship I acted the same way she acted (not seriously considering what it means when you mention breaking up), I didn't mature emotionally till after that devastating first break up. I've discussed this with her based on my own experiences too but its still happened again even as we get more serious (we just met each others parents)...

 

Is ending things the only way to go to help her see the inappropriateness of just defaulting to the 'break-up' option even if you don't really want that or know the gravity of it? I have asked her to promise to be more considerate, I personally don't think I could tolerate it again. Do people ever change in this regard without first hand experience? I sure didn't change my ways till after my breakup (my first gf also kept forgiving me), but what are your experiences with this, is a breakup the reality check she needs?..I feared this would happen by dating a first timer.. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to use a breakup as a reality check for her, I understand that if we break-up its more than likely over and I will be heartbroken. I am wondering if this sort of trait that I formerly possessed and she posesses now is something that doesn't change without learning to be careful about what you wish for.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Ultrax

[basil67]

It's true that a being dumped can cause people to finally realise they need to get their act together. But equally, it can come as a relief to be out of a situation which wasn't making them happy. I would not suggest ending it unless you have nothing else left.

 

When people use the line "you need someone who can do better than me" or "you'd be better with someone other than me" it's code for "this is who I am, you need to accept me for who I am or move on". It could be that she's totally serious about considering breaking up with you when she says this stuff.

 

Just how often do you have issues in the relationship which you need to discuss with her? If they are semi-regular, she's right to be questioning her suitability with you.

 

Whe you said you needed more support and she interpreted it as an attack on her character, what words did you use to express your needs? What type of extra support did you need? And please note, none of this is petty. If an issue is important enough to raise, it's not petty.

 

I guess I'm trying to work out if this is a communication issue...or if she is truly over reacting...or if you're asking her to do things which she's unwilling to do and she's drawing a line in the sand.

[marky00]

When people use the line "you need someone who can do better than me" or "you'd be better with someone other than me" it's code for "this is who I am, you need to accept me for who I am or move on". It could be that she's totally serious about considering breaking up with you when she says this stuff.

 

Yes I agree.

 

 

At first I read it like the OP seems to have interpreted it. But on a 2nd glance, this is more like typical dumper talk.

 

 

Someone who is invested in a relationship wouldn't say that they aren't good enough. They want to show their partner their absolute best side because they want to impress their lover.

 

 

Its funny because often someone will interpret the line "oh I'm not good enough" as that person being insecure or whatever. But, actually, the hidden meaning is actually the opposite, they are really saying they are feeling quite strong and are starting to feel concerned they might hurt you soon rather than later. Ok, there is a few people with minor mental illnesses etc that may be actually be insecure and talk like that but for normal, people, I think Basil''s point is spot on.

 

 

Be careful OP,

 

 

This is one of those cases where you think your on top but I actually think your the one more invested here and you may regret the breakup.

[Ultrax]

It's true that a being dumped can cause people to finally realise they need to get their act together. But equally, it can come as a relief to be out of a situation which wasn't making them happy. I would not suggest ending it unless you have nothing else left.

 

When people use the line "you need someone who can do better than me" or "you'd be better with someone other than me" it's code for "this is who I am, you need to accept me for who I am or move on". It could be that she's totally serious about considering breaking up with you when she says this stuff.

 

Just how often do you have issues in the relationship which you need to discuss with her? If they are semi-regular, she's right to be questioning her suitability with you.

 

Whe you said you needed more support and she interpreted it as an attack on her character, what words did you use to express your needs? What type of extra support did you need? And please note, none of this is petty. If an issue is important enough to raise, it's not petty.

 

I guess I'm trying to work out if this is a communication issue...or if she is truly over reacting...or if you're asking her to do things which she's unwilling to do and she's drawing a line in the sand.

 

Hi! Sorry, I think my post didn't make that clear, I have no intention of ending it myself. What I did mean is that the next time it happens (whether or not she brings it up seriously or mid-fight with heated emotions) I'm not going to sit there saying 'think about what you are saying, lets talk in person' and then have her go back on it and me accept that/continue dating. If she brings it up again then I don't think my mind can handle the 'we aren't right for each other' on a whim belief followed by its 'not actually what I want I was upset and overwhelmed'. So my question was really: is this mindset likely something that will never change till it gets to that point?

 

Hmmm, as for issues. We have been dating for 8 months? Things got more serious at around 3 months ago (I love you etc.)? Just met her parents this break and she wants to meet mine next week. We have maybe had 3 arguments 2 of which were initiated by me idk (4-5 months) apart during really stressful times of the year where I stated that I felt I needed a bit more out of her in terms of checking-in and that sometimes just letting me study makes me feel more alone. I am always busy as this is a transitional stage in my life and I feel like the support she provides me with is immense and more than enough 99% of the time, the problem is that whenever I bring up an issue one time its interpreted as she isn't good enough any of the time. I'm going to try and phrase reaching out to her in a less hurtful tone and she will work on not taking things as an attack on her character and historical efforts as a partner. Only time will tell if that works, I've been trying my hardest to treat her with the utmost respect but I just think her lack of understanding of relationship dynamics, namely that fights happen and your amazing, beautiful, kind partner CAN hurt your feelings as well really really clouds her perceptions when we argue. She said she looks up to me for everything (she is a younger student and aspires to be like me academically/extracurricularly and also become a doctor) so 'when I say something negative about her it is really upsetting'.

 

Nonetheless, she seems to be trying to make things feel normal now and has wished me 'goodnight love you, morning babe <3' and just a week ago was talking about us moving in together someday down the road etc. The seed of doubt has been implanted in my head now and its probably in hers too so I've decided to work on putting my guard back up to minimize the blow of a possible blindside breakup, I care about her too much and understand what a break up entails too well to break up with her over our current issues which I don't percieve to be relationship ending (minus her tendancy to bring up breakups like its not a big deal). 2 minor fights and 1 major fight over 8 months during the very high stress periods doesn't strike me as a red flag. I just bought her a small gift to hopefully clear the air and show her that a fight isnt the end of the world if we resolve it and can move forward.

[Ultrax]

Yes I agree.

 

 

At first I read it like the OP seems to have interpreted it. But on a 2nd glance, this is more like typical dumper talk.

 

 

Someone who is invested in a relationship wouldn't say that they aren't good enough. They want to show their partner their absolute best side because they want to impress their lover.

 

 

Its funny because often someone will interpret the line "oh I'm not good enough" as that person being insecure or whatever. But, actually, the hidden meaning is actually the opposite, they are really saying they are feeling quite strong and are starting to feel concerned they might hurt you soon rather than later. Ok, there is a few people with minor mental illnesses etc that may be actually be insecure and talk like that but for normal, people, I think Basil''s point is spot on.

 

 

Be careful OP,

 

 

This is one of those cases where you think your on top but I actually think your the one more invested here and you may regret the breakup.

 

I don't intend to dump her, sorry my post appears to have made that unclear, I have clarified it in my previous reply As for investment...its hard to tell because a person can be physically invested and confirm it through their words but who knows actions can be fake. She talks about a future with us and wants to take things to the next stages which suggests she is invested, but who knows...I'll have to be careful, especially careful till my medical school interviews are done. I do interpret it as insecure because she is historically insecure due to the way some people have treated her throughout life and takes what I say about her very seriously both positive or negative...but my ego is my biggest enemy so I will keep your interpretation of her words close to hurt over the next while.

[Ultrax]

It's true that a being dumped can cause people to finally realise they need to get their act together. But equally, it can come as a relief to be out of a situation which wasn't making them happy. I would not suggest ending it unless you have nothing else left.

 

When people use the line "you need someone who can do better than me" or "you'd be better with someone other than me" it's code for "this is who I am, you need to accept me for who I am or move on". It could be that she's totally serious about considering breaking up with you when she says this stuff.

 

Just how often do you have issues in the relationship which you need to discuss with her? If they are semi-regular, she's right to be questioning her suitability with you.

 

Whe you said you needed more support and she interpreted it as an attack on her character, what words did you use to express your needs? What type of extra support did you need? And please note, none of this is petty. If an issue is important enough to raise, it's not petty.

 

I guess I'm trying to work out if this is a communication issue...or if she is truly over reacting...or if you're asking her to do things which she's unwilling to do and she's drawing a line in the sand.

 

She said she will work on not having 'a meltdown emotionally' everytime we disagree on something and I will try to frame things in a fashion that is not condescending or passive aggressive. I'm hoping its communication.

[marky00]

I don't intend to dump her, sorry my post appears to have made that unclear, I have clarified it in my previous reply As for investment...its hard to tell because a person can be physically invested and confirm it through their words but who knows actions can be fake. She talks about a future with us and wants to take things to the next stages which suggests she is invested, but who knows...I'll have to be careful, especially careful till my medical school interviews are done. I do interpret it as insecure because she is historically insecure due to the way some people have treated her throughout life and takes what I say about her very seriously both positive or negative...but my ego is my biggest enemy so I will keep your interpretation of her words close to hurt over the next while.

 

 

 

People can act for a while, maybe a few months but in the end, actions always speak louder than words.

[slowloris44]

I would suggest counseling maybe ? couples counseling . I can relate to this entirely mainly because I was your gf at one point. But my ex wasn't as mature and patient as you . I had the same insecurities and panic that would come with not being able to handle my reactions and emotions when we would get into arguments. It wasn't until after he left me for the second time that I started to learn. I guess its sad to say that I learned after he left me. Was it all my fault ? no I wont put all the blame on myself because its unfair for me and after he left me for the same reasons I went to a VERY dark place and it has taken me months to feel a fraction better. So choose wisely . Either try to find ways through counseling or break up with her and she'll be amongst the many who will long for another chance with their first love for a very long time. I'm assuming you understand the gut wrenching and intolerable pain that comes with losing your first love. I'm just giving you some perspective and I really wish I could be your gf's friend and support right now.

[Ultrax]

I would suggest counseling maybe ? couples counseling . I can relate to this entirely mainly because I was your gf at one point. But my ex wasn't as mature and patient as you . I had the same insecurities and panic that would come with not being able to handle my reactions and emotions when we would get into arguments. It wasn't until after he left me for the second time that I started to learn. I guess its sad to say that I learned after he left me. Was it all my fault ? no I wont put all the blame on myself because its unfair for me and after he left me for the same reasons I went to a VERY dark place and it has taken me months to feel a fraction better. So choose wisely . Either try to find ways through counseling or break up with her and she'll be amongst the many who will long for another chance with their first love for a very long time. I'm assuming you understand the gut wrenching and intolerable pain that comes with losing your first love. I'm just giving you some perspective and I really wish I could be your gf's friend and support right now.

 

Thank you for your perspective, I too completely understand where you are coming from. In my first relationship I too used to just bring up the concept of breaking up everytime things just got too intense...for over a year my ex put up with it but eventually she just accepted it and left me...I was devastated and wouldn't wish that pain upon anyone else. However, its an experience that shaped me as a person for the better and I wouldn't be half the man I am today without that reality check. I'll give it another careful chance but I'm not going to oppose her if she brings it up again. I think the reason our last fight has left me with this disenchanted/hopeless feeling is because I realised that if this person who I truly thought I could trust would be willing to end things on a spur 2 weeks before my medical school interviews start, 3 days before a final exam and in the midst of an immensely tough week of mine will she ever have the self control to stop and think about the repercussions such decisions would have on the lives of those around her? I understand people breakup at the worst of times sometimes but what I have never been okay with is people choosing to leave someone at extremely inappropriate times, as someone who has so many ambitious goals when someone I care about acts recklessly with regards to my life hopes and dreams (getting this far has taken immense sacrifice from myself and my mother who works two jobs to support me) I get really fearful. I just feel like I've lost a good bit of trust for her, I aspire to push those I love to do their best, so when someone shows blatant disregard for that I reallllly, I mean REALLY, get scared. I know how self-destructive I can get after blindsided breakups. I've messed up things for myself after breakups in the past, I'm truly scared that all of this is going to become a gamble with my life goals here since this is a repeat offense by her. I hope this feeling wears off, I feel like this fear sounds selfish too but becoming a doctor is my life and I've never been closer to succeeding. I don't know whether I should bring this up with her once the smoke has cleared from our last fight or let it wear off. As for counselling, I myself volunteered for a year a peer counsellor at my university, I mean i'm sure I can't judge too accurately but I don't think she would be receptive to that idea at all, she is 19 and tends to not like discussing her emotions. I on the other hand tend to discuss them (maybe a bit too much even).

 

I also wish you the best in your recovery from your breakup. Trust me when I say even if our reasons were different for doing it, I used to rashly bring up the idea of breaking up and when my ex left me for it I too wound up in a dark place. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and if you continue to focus on self improvement you will feel better. Hit the gym, try and make a positive change in the lives of those around you and ultimately you will become a better version of yourself. Meeting someone else will just happen as you begin to find yourself. Heartbreak, especially that first breakup, is brutal but in many ways, it's a gift in disguise if you channel it into the right things.

[basil67]

during really stressful times of the year where I stated that I felt I needed a bit more out of her in terms of checking-in and that sometimes just letting me study makes me feel more alone.

 

How did this issue end up with her not feeling good enough? How did you word your request for a bit more TLC?

[Ultrax]

How did this issue end up with her not feeling good enough? How did you word your request for a bit more TLC?

 

She asked me how I was I replied 'I'm just overwhelmed this week, its hard because I feel like all the little things are just going wrong this week, people are giving me the run around and I need to prep for interviews. Meanwhile, its first week back to school and since my final got rescheduled everyone is out there having fun'....yes it sounds like self pity, but sometimes I just have to let it out.

 

She took that as me saying she shouldn't be having fun and replied 'you yourself told me to enjoy my first week'. I replied, 'that wasn't the point, doesn't matter, I'll just ride this week out I know its nothing personal on your end'. She replied I'm busy too and then I kinda got pissed because she had gone out the night before, made a snide remark about that (that was my bad)...then things spiralled out of control as we both felt like we were invalidating each other. It got really bad when she kept saying lets not talk about this before we get more annoyed and I was like well I still feel upset I want to talk about it and then it was just back and fourth **** where I'd say something and she'd say but you do the same thing and just shut me down.

 

I gave her a hard time for that because that not how people address arguments, bringing up other arguments or saying im being hypocritical doesn't solve the problem at hand. Once I started lecturing her about that (yes, I sent long texts, I really need to stop doing that) everything went to hell and she melted down and talked about she'll never be able to please me, I'll always be busier than her and stuff. I get where she is coming from, as I said, I'm in a transitional point of my life and juggling more than I ever have which is my fault for pushing myself my workload is inhuman and I do lean on her sometimes but minimally when you consider my workload. We'd had this argument on a smaller scale ONE TIME before so she said 'she is tired of this conversation, she doesn't want me to have expectations of her and I need to be more understanding'. By then I didn't even give a **** about the initial argument, I was fuming because she brought up the concept of breaking up over text yet again. She didn't seem to at all consider what was on my plate before bringing it up. It's no joke and I can't stand her treating breakups like they aren't something to be seriously considered, like some default option everytime things are too heated (even though I have been that person too in the past before I met her). We talked that evening, sorted it out and she seems to be acting normal...I don't feel normal though. It feels like I'm playing with fire around my future career aspiration.

[Ultrax]

How did this issue end up with her not feeling good enough? How did you word your request for a bit more TLC?

 

The post in this instance makes her sound rather harsh towards me but as I said in my first post, she is generally extremely considerate and has been my rock these last few months. I love her dearly but my trust has been shaken a bit more than it'd usually be given her lack of hesitance to bring that up with so much around the corner in my life, I'm confused as to whether this will get better and I'm wondering whether I'm going to pay the steep price of a breakup in such a crucial time of my life. I just don't think she gets the gravity of a breakup.

[marky00]

OP

 

 

Just STOP ok.

 

 

Your behaviour is getting a bit too clingy I think and that will push her away for sure.

 

 

Look, stuff in life happens and your having a tough time. You can tell her that once or twice and then you have to suck up, deal with it and see if she wants to support you in anyway or not.

 

 

But, what ever you do, don't unload these feelings on her because believe me, that will just make things worse.

 

 

I think she is being turned off by your inability to cope with things. Yes, your situation is tough but that is life. She isn't there to own your problems, she just wants to be your girlfriend.

 

 

And yes, I am speaking from experience as someone who got dumped after 9 years, so take what I am saying on board ok.

 

 

I hit a similar situation, my dog got sick, I was running a thriving a business, trying to keep a long distance relationship going, the stress got too much for me and she left. And I didn't unload as much as you seem to be doing with your gf so be careful wit that.

 

 

Sounds like your going down a negative spiral, worrying about all the bad things that may happen. I did that and it ended horribly. You can either let yourself go down the rabbit hole or stop this negative-self talk, your choice.

 

 

Oh, and she may not get the gravity of the breakup because she isn't as invested as you think she is. My ex sounds similar to your gf and believe me, they are capable of walking and looking back. Unlike you and me, our gf's are not deep thinkers and just take what is in front of them at the time, which helps the move on with less guilt etc.

Edited January 6, 2017 by marky00

[Ultrax]

OP

 

 

Just STOP ok.

 

 

Your behaviour is getting a bit too clingy I think and that will push her away for sure.

 

 

Look, stuff in life happens and your having a tough time. You can tell her that once or twice and then you have to suck up, deal with it and see if she wants to support you in anyway or not.

 

 

But, what ever you do, don't unload these feelings on her because believe me, that will just make things worse.

 

 

I think she is being turned off by your inability to cope with things. Yes, your situation is tough but that is life. She isn't there to own your problems, she just wants to be your girlfriend.

 

 

And yes, I am speaking from experience as someone who got dumped after 9 years, so take what I am saying on board ok.

 

I understand and completely agree. Time to hit the gym twice as hard, I'm cutting for my interviews anyways, my jaw line has been fading. I really try hard not to be that person you mentioned but it appears that I have been, thanks for the no BS answer.

[marky00]

edit : meant to say "capable of walking and not looking back"

 

 

oh, and I edited my last post, added a few more paragraphs as you replied to my post so you may want to read back.

Edited January 6, 2017 by marky00

[basil67]

The post in this instance makes her sound rather harsh towards me but as I said in my first post, she is generally extremely considerate and has been my rock these last few months. I love her dearly but my trust has been shaken a bit more than it'd usually be given her lack of hesitance to bring that up with so much around the corner in my life, I'm confused as to whether this will get better and I'm wondering whether I'm going to pay the steep price of a breakup in such a crucial time of my life. I just don't think she gets the gravity of a breakup.

 

If she's generally extremely considerate and has been your rock, why were you pressing her for more? She could well be thinking "I already go over and above for this guy and he still wants more!"

[Ultrax]

edit : meant to say "capable of walking and not looking back"

 

 

oh, and I edited my last post, added a few more paragraphs as you replied to my post so you may want to read back.

 

I read it all, thank you. If anything marky, the fight reminded me of one quality about myself, I tend to think people care a lot more about my **** then they really do (a combination of naivity/self-centeredness I suppose) and what not. She cares, as much as any other gf probably has, maybe less, maybe more...doesn't matter at the end of the day she is a typical college girl. The reason I have felt so off after the fight is because I realised that at the end of the day I've had her on a pedestal, I suppose for the first time I have the chance to take a gf off this pedestal before a breakup. My ambition to make the world a better place, or the stuff I run doesn't matter that much to another person IF that comes at the cost of another own happiness, goals and ease. I understand that, I dont blame her whatsoever but I think I was ignorant to that possibility prior to the fight. I need to stop being naive and smarten up...I appreciate your honest comment.

[Ultrax]

If she's generally extremely considerate and has been your rock, why were you pressing her for more? She could well be thinking "I already go over and above for this guy and he still wants more!"

 

Because basil, sometimes I am that way. When I know my gf has an extra **** week coming up I double up on the little things to make it more bearable. Obviously I am not perfect and probably have failed to do so at times so it is dumb of me to get upset when she does the same occasionally, this week I guess I felt like I needed that but it wasn't happening so I felt the need to bring it up. I should have found another outlet, it was my mistake and I agreed with her that I'd really try to use other outlets before bringing it up...I know I am at fault to some extent because perhaps if she isn't there for me its because she can't be at the moment. I can openly admit that I am also at fault here, I just wished the responses had not been so snide at first, 'I'd have ****ed off after a simple 'babe I'm also under a lot of pressure this week''

[Ultrax]

I'll just lay off the gas for a bit and find a new equilibrium that prevents such issues. Thanks for all the advice guys, I think she has a lot to work on and I'm going to let her figure that stuff out. In the mean time, you guys have made it evident that I too need to work on things and I will do just that. Thank you for everything!

[marky00]

Yep , I had mine on a pedestal and I know in the past I have been self-centred.

 

 

You and me are not selfish, i.e. we consider others' feelings etc but when it comes to life issues and problems we tend to blow them up out of proportion due to being self-centred.

 

 

Its a great thing you figured this out before it is too late. Sadly for me, I just had way too much to deal with and wasn't able to get out of the quicksand.

[Ultrax]

Yep , I had mine on a pedestal and I know in the past I have been self-centred.

 

 

You and me are not selfish, i.e. we consider others' feelings etc but when it comes to life issues and problems we tend to blow them up out of proportion due to being self-centred.

 

 

Its a great thing you figured this out before it is too late. Sadly for me, I just had way too much to deal with and wasn't able to get out of the quicksand.

 

marky, is there a way I can direct message you about something? I'm not sure how to do that, not used to this website yet.

[slowloris44]

Well 19 is a young age and you are also young, as am I . And frankly medical school is quite rigorous. Its not like the pressure and amount of work is going to lessen after you graduate... So maybe this is a sign that its time to move on? let her go so that she can find another someone who will better accommodate her needs, and you will do the same. Its not to say that you guys aren't good for each other but it seems to me that at the time being you are under a great amount of pressure that she might not understand because she is not on the path that you are. I can understand because I'm pre med as well and its a lot of pressure,work, time and missing out on things you don't want to miss out on. Also this career path requires someone to have just as much patience and understanding that you are busy with studies and you will be even busier when you get to med school. Maybe also by doing this you will gain some insight on how to handle stress and controlling your emotions in a more positive way. But this is my two cents , thank you for the comforting and insightful words about first breakup/loves. good luck with med school interviews , its truly ambitious of you to help others by sacrificing yourself with all that hard work.

[marky00]

marky, is there a way I can direct message you about something? I'm not sure how to do that, not used to this website yet.

 

Yes there is,

 

 

If you look top right where it says "notifications", there is a private message section in there.