Setting boundaries

[Dolfin80]

I need to set some boundaries in order to stop having these feelings.

 

My story: I work very closely with a male work college. We work really well together. I recently travelled overseas for work with another male college and not knowingly kept talking about how good it is to work with the other guy. He said 'you must really like him as you talk about him everyday' 'you also speak to him more than I speak to my wife'.......

 

Now ever since he said that I now really like him. He is in a relationship so I need to stop having these feelings for him. My psychologist told me to stop talking to him outside of work, however that's been hard as he keeps contacting me, he contacted me on Xmas day to wish me a merry Xmas.

 

As soon as I see him at work I get a massive adrenalin rush and I'm so happy to see him.

 

Please, how to I set myself some boundaries in order to stop these inappropriate feelings for him. We still need to work professionally with each other. I just want these feelings to stop so I can work with him successfully.

[Gloria25]

Need some encouragement to set boundaries?

 

Ok, how about the possibility of one day him filing a harassment complaint against you in the event that he changes his mind about your contact with him?

 

The guy has a gf. Be careful that he doesn't throw you under the bus in the event your "working relationship" becomes office gossip that may reach his gf and/or his boss and colleagues take issue with...and, to cover his butt, he says that you were chasing him and that he was just too scared to tell you to stop.

 

I'm serious. Let this go now. Losing your job isn't worth some guy.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Gloria25

[mikeylo]

Whenever you see him , imagine seeing his gf next to him and you being jobless.

[Got it]

Shut down on all communication that is not required for work. Tell him you no longer want to have any personal conversations and that you want to only keep it strictly professional. To stop yourself? Wear a rubberband and every time you thoughts or behavior strays pop it and reset.

[Gloria25]

Shut down on all communication that is not required for work. Tell him you no longer want to have any personal conversations and that you want to only keep it strictly professional. To stop yourself? Wear a rubberband and every time you thoughts or behavior strays pop it and reset.

 

No, you should ask to be reassigned to work with someone else. Doesn't matter if you keep it professional, cuz people are already noticing. One day it just takes someone to see you doing some benign - like smiling when you tell him good morning and they think you two are whispering naughty stuff.

 

Also, attraction is hard to turn off or hide. That's one reason why I'd not wanna talk to dude around certain people - like gossipy chick. People can tell how you look at each other, body language, etc. that there's feelings or attraction.

 

So, just see how you can avoid working with him and let him know that you're doing this because you don't wanna intermix professional and personal things - especially since he has a gf. That way he doesn't think you're snubbing him, then he goes and files some complaint against you. Cuz really, that's one thing I was pondering too about dude. I wonder if me trying to keep us "private" or him thinking I am talking to every guy in the room and was playing him as a joke is why he did this to me - to punish me. Cuz, was listening to the radio and some guys were talking about how when a guy is angry or hurt, sometimes he'll do something to punish the gal...like how some celebrity's ex would post nasty pics bout his gf when they broke up.

[preraph]

You need to start by controlling your actions around him whether you want to or not. That means stop talking to him unless you have to and avoid long exchanges and stop flirting with him.

 

If you can transfer away, do it.

[Dolfin80]

Ok thanks.

 

I will do that.

 

Now, he contacts me a lot out of work hours. What boundary do I need to set here. Should I say 'you have a gf so it's inappropriate that we speak out of work hours'.

 

I have already explained to him that's it's inappropriate for us to hug at work. He has now stopped that behaviour and is keeping his hands to himself.

 

He told me he had to stop himself from kissing me about 20 times at the work Xmas party. I said thank god you didn't because that is very inappropriate as you have a gf. He agreed that it's totally inappropriate and that is why he didn't, he didn't want to disrespect his gf or me. He apologised for his behaviour. I apologised to him too for being there.

 

This is so hard for me. I just want this to go away. I am seeing my psychologist soon, hopefully she can give me strategies to stop this inappropriate attraction.

 

He told me yesterday at work that his gf is leaving the country for a year. She is returning to her country of origin. She does this often, goes home for year then returns to be with him for a year. God knows why he is telling me his personal business, but it needs to stop, I need to set boundaries with him.

 

I was fine with listening to his personal life before I started having these romantic feelings for him. But now I find it difficult.

 

Hopefully these romantic feelings go away soon and things go back to normal. I can do this I just have to be strong.

 

I have not been on a date for 4 years, I'm very surprised I am attracted to a man. To those who say I'm flirting with him I would have no idea how to flirt with anyone.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Dolfin80

[Dolfin80]

You need to start by controlling your actions around him whether you want to or not. That means stop talking to him unless you have to and avoid long exchanges and stop flirting with him.

 

If you can transfer away, do it.

 

I have never flirted with anyone, wouldn't know how to even do it.

[Gloria25]

Ok thanks.

 

I will do that.

 

Now, he contacts me a lot out of work hours. What boundary do I need to set here. Should I say 'you have a gf so it's inappropriate that we speak out of work hours'.

 

I have already explained to him that's it's inappropriate for us to hug at work. He has now stopped that behaviour and is keeping his hands to himself.

 

He told me he had to stop himself from kissing me about 20 times at the work Xmas party. I said thank god you didn't because that is very inappropriate as you have a gf. He agreed that it's totally inappropriate and that is why he didn't, he didn't want to disrespect his gf or me. He apologised for his behaviour. I apologised to him too for being there.

 

This is so hard for me. I just want this to go away. I am seeing my psychologist soon, hopefully she can give me strategies to stop this inappropriate attraction.

 

He told me yesterday at work that his gf is leaving the country for a year. She is returning to her country of origin. She does this often, goes home for year then returns to be with him for a year. God knows why he is telling me his personal business, but it needs to stop, I need to set boundaries with him.

 

I was fine with listening to his personal life before I started having these romantic feelings for him. But now I find it difficult.

 

Hopefully these romantic feelings go away soon and things go back to normal. I can do this I just have to be strong.

 

I have not been on a date for 4 years, I'm very surprised I am attracted to a man. To those who say I'm flirting with him I would have no idea how to flirt with anyone.

 

His gf leaves him for a whole year? What kind of relationship do they have? I mean, are they in an open RL? Is he one of those guys who's unhappy in his RL but too scared to leave - so he messes around?

 

Regardless of whatever relationship they have - sounds like he's grooming you to be his side action. Do you want that?

 

And let's say you do start something romantically - either as his gf (he dumps his gf) or as his side action (he stays with gf)....what if it goes sour? Remember, you two are co-workers. How do you not know if he'll do something crazy like file sexual harassment charges against you if you dare decide to break it off with him or it ends organically?

 

I thought there was nothing that could go bad with working with some who is in the same building as me - and still got burned horribly. I thought he and I were ok - just like you're thinking with your guy and trust me, dude did a 180 so fast on me that my head is still spinning. People are telling me he never liked me at all and wanted me to leave him alone from day 1.

 

I'm sorry, this just has wrong written all over it - you may not only lose your job but have your heart broken. While you may think you "trust" him, you're taking too much of a risk that he may file a complaint against you on the job if it doesn't work out. Shoot, right now if you cut it off with him, he may get upset and file a fake harassment charge against you.

 

I believe that for both inside and out you need to break it off. Simply tell him that you can't continue this cuz he has a gf and you don't want to intermix your personal and professional life. Make sure you do this not only verbally, but have text or e-mail to back it up too - just in case he tries to punish you by filing a harassment charge against you.

 

I mean, I'm sorry for sounding so depressing - but trust me, I dude flipped on me and you'll be surprised how you "thought" this or that about someone and how they felt about you. Now I'm here in damage control and still protective of him - while he continues to stick the knife in (from what people are telling me).

 

OH, and not having a date in four years? I feel ya, it sucks when you meet someone that you are clicking with - but losing your job, reputation, and heart isn't worth it....Trust me, there's so much I already was liking about him and no it wasn't just sex cuz trust me, I can get sex right now and anywhere. I actually liked "him" and was even considering being his side chick if he wanted that....but, nah, I now wish I never met him. He's causing me a lot of trouble right now that I'm trying to clean up. I still miss him. He's just gorgeous and seems to be like down to earth, sweet even - but with a tinge of arrogance (kinda like me)...but, oh well, he ended it and what can I do but clean up the mess he left me.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Gloria25

[Dolfin80]

Thanks Gloria for the descriptive reply. You have helped me immensely. Yes, the ramifications are huge and I have explained to him that this attraction must stop as we both could loose our jobs over this if something bad were to happen. We must put our careers first.

 

I've had one session with my psy over this. She gets back soon so I will book another session. I need emotional help entangling from this mess and all my support systems (so called friends) have abondoned me. I have tried to call a girlfriend for 2 days now but she's too busy to call me back. The Psy wants me to cut all personal contact with him as she thinks he is not trustworthy, due to the fact he is in a relationship and has started being over-friendly with me. She says this is morally wrong to his gf and to me. It's not a mature way to behave. I want help in protecting myself from him, I want him out of my head.

 

He has a very unconventional relationship with his girlfriend. He pays for everything as she doesn't work and she goes back to Asia for a full year every so often. This has been happening for almost a decade. He must be perfectly happy with this kind of relationship. She is Asian, he is a westerner.

 

I haven't been dating for 4 years because I was heartbroken when my ex left me. I am too scared to date anyone. I have not been attracted to anyone in 4 years. This guy at work is the first. I actually thought I was asexual, but perhaps I'm not.

Edited January 7, 2017 by Dolfin80

[blueskyday]

He's a predator. You're feeling vulnerable because you haven't had a date in a while, which is normal. Just see it for what it is. It's better to be vulnerable with a good guy who has integrity.

 

This guy has a girlfriend and has cheater written all over him--a predator who will prey on a vulnerable person.

 

Don't feed this guy and he will go away. Block his number in your phone. Stay curt and business-like at work. Never let him get you alone or tongues will wag. Gossip needs fuel, too, so don't add any.

 

The good news is that you are ready to date. Go out and join some meet up groups. There are a ton of great guys out there. He's NOT one of them. You deserve better!

[Dolfin80]

He's a predator. You're feeling vulnerable because you haven't had a date in a while, which is normal. Just see it for what it is. It's better to be vulnerable with a good guy who has integrity.

 

This guy has a girlfriend and has cheater written all over him--a predator who will prey on a vulnerable person.

 

Don't feed this guy and he will go away. Block his number in your phone. Stay curt and business-like at work. Never let him get you alone or tongues will wag. Gossip needs fuel, too, so don't add any.

 

The good news is that you are ready to date. Go out and join some meet up groups. There are a ton of great guys out there. He's NOT one of them. You deserve better!

 

 

Thanks. You are right on the money there, I'm extremely vulnerable as I have not had any physical contact with a man for years, basically since 2011, that's when I separated from my partner, he took a job in another country.

 

Getting attention from him felt so good but it's not REAL cause he's already in a relationship. This week we had to work together alone in the lab. It was difficult for me, I tried my best to keep it professional. He has now gone on holidays for 3 weeks, so hopefully I will be able to recovery from all this whilst he is away.

 

It's very hard to control these feelings, hopefully they will pass soon.

 

I don't want him to hurt me so I will try to protect myself.

Edited January 11, 2017 by Dolfin80

[lucy_in_disguise]

You may have an attraction but this guy is bad news. His disregard for his gf is appalling and his behaivior at work is inappropriate. You should tell him his comments make you uncomfortable. Is he in a supervisory position in relation to you? Either way if he doesn't cut it out I'd report him to HR. There is no future here and you don't need to be sexually harassed at work.

[Dolfin80]

Well I'm feeling much better and have more control over my feelings. Got stuck into work this week which was very productive.

 

Lucy - I'm higher than him at work. I delegate what he works on as I'm senior however he has a different manager to me.

 

I now know more details about his relationship with his girlfriend. It's not a relationship at all, it's a weird male-order-bride situation. Worst I've heard of in fact.

 

They have been together for 8 years, he has paid for everything as she refuses to work. She is Chinese and has used him to get her masters (he paid for 30k) and to get citizenship in this country. He has been forking out about 40k per year to support her for the past 8 years. Now she has here masters and citizenship she has gone back to China. He is paying for her one-way ticket and travelling with her to China. Her parents won't allow him to stay with her in their house even though he has forked out 350k to keep in this country for 8 years. He has to stay at a hotel. She is not allowed to stay with him at the hotel or doesn't want to. He will be returning to this country by himself.

 

During the early stages of their dysfunctional relationship she slept with a photo of her ex under her pillow. Clearly he never saw this as a massive red flag.

 

His work colleges have been telling him for the past 8 years the he is being financially fleeced. He has no assets because he pays for everything for her. He rents his apartment. His manger thinks he is too emotionally immature to understand that he is being used as a cash cow - she wants a western countries degree, western citizenship then go back to China. Because he has been in this dysfunction he hasn't been able to develop emotionally into a mature adult. He has never had any other girlfriend or friends.

 

I can't believe that a man would put up with this. How can a man give all his money away to a Chinese women. Where is his self-respect? How does he not want to accumulate assets for himself, so he is financially secure, so he has a financial future. This reminds me of those men from Nigeria who online put on a fake profile and Hoover 100,000ks from lonely rich women.

 

Have any of you heard of anything like this before? I think she will continue to milk him from China. Her "honey can you send me money cause I need to buy a car over here in China".

Edited January 14, 2017 by Dolfin80

[Gloria25]

Well I'm feeling much better and have more control over my feelings. Got stuck into work this week which was very productive.

 

Lucy - I'm higher than him at work. I delegate what he works on as I'm senior however he has a different manager to me.

 

I now know more details about his relationship with his girlfriend. It's not a relationship at all, it's a weird male-order-bride situation. Worst I've heard of in fact.

 

They have been together for 8 years, he has paid for everything as she refuses to work. She is Chinese and has used him to get her masters (he paid for 30k) and to get citizenship in this country. He has been forking out about 40k per year to support her for the past 8 years. Now she has here masters and citizenship she has gone back to China. He is paying for her one-way ticket and travelling with her to China. Her parents won't allow him to stay with her in their house even though he has forked out 350k to keep in this country for 8 years. He has to stay at a hotel. She is not allowed to stay with him at the hotel or doesn't want to. He will be returning to this country by himself.

 

During the early stages of their dysfunctional relationship she slept with a photo of her ex under her pillow. Clearly he never saw this as a massive red flag.

 

His work colleges have been telling him for the past 8 years the he is being financially fleeced. He has no assets because he pays for everything for her. He rents his apartment. His manger thinks he is too emotionally immature to understand that he is being used as a cash cow - she wants a western countries degree, western citizenship then go back to China. Because he has been in this dysfunction he hasn't been able to develop emotionally into a mature adult. He has never had any other girlfriend or friends.

 

I can't believe that a man would put up with this. How can a man give all his money away to a Chinese women. Where is his self-respect? How does he not want to accumulate assets for himself, so he is financially secure, so he has a financial future. This reminds me of those men from Nigeria who online put on a fake profile and Hoover 100,000ks from lonely rich women.

 

Have any of you heard of anything like this before? I think she will continue to milk him from China. Her "honey can you send me money cause I need to buy a car over here in China".

 

Well, glad you're being more productive at work and yea, finding out about his situation helps - but still, thread carefully. I mean, like you said, he put up with this woman for years so even "if" you start dating him - will you be his "type"? Maybe he's into dependent women...

 

But still, tread carefully, office romances can go south - regardless seniority, working in the same building (but different employers), etc.

 

I had a sorta rough week that ended well (I think?). I put my foot down and got some movement on the mess he left me to clean up - but I'm emotionally and physically drained from all of it. I don't know, saw him recently but he didn't even make eye contact . Could be cuz of the situation? I mean, if I speak to him I'll get into trouble so I have to ignore him too ...maybe he'll get in trouble too? Maybe he wanted to show me that he's done with me? Hard to be so close and cannot say a thing. Worst, he turns me on so much that it's terrible...sports bra felt super heavy with everything hard cuz of him. He left me with enough to think about him this whole weekend...

 

Part of me thinks he's trying to be ok towards me. I have a feeling that while he can't say stuff, he's showing me that we're ok? I don't know...

 

Arrrgh, see my suffering? Just think about that before you decide to continue your interest in this guy...

[Dolfin80]

Well, glad you're being more productive at work and yea, finding out about his situation helps - but still, thread carefully. I mean, like you said, he put up with this woman for years so even "if" you start dating him - will you be his "type"? Maybe he's into dependent women...

 

But still, tread carefully, office romances can go south - regardless seniority, working in the same building (but different employers), etc.

 

I had a sorta rough week that ended well (I think?). I put my foot down and got some movement on the mess he left me to clean up - but I'm emotionally and physically drained from all of it. I don't know, saw him recently but he didn't even make eye contact . Could be cuz of the situation? I mean, if I speak to him I'll get into trouble so I have to ignore him too ...maybe he'll get in trouble too? Maybe he wanted to show me that he's done with me? Hard to be so close and cannot say a thing. Worst, he turns me on so much that it's terrible...sports bra felt super heavy with everything hard cuz of him. He left me with enough to think about him this whole weekend...

 

Part of me thinks he's trying to be ok towards me. I have a feeling that while he can't say stuff, he's showing me that we're ok? I don't know...

 

Arrrgh, see my suffering? Just think about that before you decide to continue your interest in this guy...

 

I not sure if he is even capable of having a mature relationship, given he's only been with this Asian freeloader. It would be better for me in terms of my career if this was the case.

 

He's gone for 3 weeks now so hopefully I get my full sense of self back, and when he gets back my feelings have disappeared. Seeing my psych this week so going to get some help.