[Is she playing mind games??] [UPDATE: Is this a sign of BPD??]

January 5, 2017

Been dating a girl for 3 months. Only a month after me and my ex wife split up we began dating. My split up with the ex was a very long time coming, I feel as if I have been single our entire marriage.

Anyways, I met this girl, and it took me by surprise. We told each other we loved each other after the first month. She was asking her family if they believed in first love. This girl was crazy about me. Well after the first month we started to fight every day, and I became distant breaking up with her, treating her like crap and not realizing what I had. She was crazy about me. We have fought everyday for the last two Months and she was getting very upset that some of my ex's things were still in the house. I finally took them out after she broke it off with me 1 week and a half ago, but she said it's to late.

Another reason we split was because she doesn't trust that I don't tell her all the truth about when I speak to my ex about our one kid. Also that I dont talk with other girls which I don't. Well she was certain on the break up and seemed ok with it. That hurt me. Anyways after a day she said she needed time to think if it's worth the trouble. This is where I need help. She needed time, and I began to give it to her.

So two days go by and I call her. After our convo we just began to talk everyday at least once. I went over there for New Years and we had a good night. That Monday we went to a movie. She told me again she needed time. So I let her be Monday and Said when you're ready call me and let's talk. She was still conflicting saying she doesn't trust me and she doesn't think we will work. So I said ok then and was going to hold true to giving her time.

Well Tuesday night she messaged me and said that she actually thought about things and that she missed me and only needed a few more days. I responded with a sweet message. She called me after I responded and we talked for over an hour. Still saying she doesn't know if she can trust me. So I said ok. Wednesday we didn't talk until 3. I messaged her. Said that it would not work if she didn't trust me. She responded with I don't know what to do for you at this point. I wrote back ok. She then texts me back and says what do you want. And I said to be trusted. She wrote back an hour later and said we just need to talk.

So she calls me. Twice. Then said she had to call me back. So she did 30 minutes later. I didn't answer. She then texts me and says hey. I don't answer then she calls and we begin to talk. She seems like she was avoiding the topic, but I kicked it off. So she goes on and on about why she doesn't trust me, and I take total blame for all of it. She then says you even like other girls posts on Facebook. I say well hold on. You like other guys posts as well. She then turns around and says you're always trying to get an eye for an eye. I'm thinking to myself I'm taking accountability for all these things, and I defend myself on one topic. She then says she can do that because she is single, and I said well does that mean you're talking to someone, she says are you? I say you tell me first. She then says no im not, but are you. I say no. Then she said do you want to gain my trust back because this would be a good start. I said no I'm not talking w no one. She said I'm going to give you one last chance. I say no I'm not. And I'm really not.

So she hangs up the phone, blocks me, deletes our pics on Facebook, blocks me on Instagram, puts single on her status for Facebook. And so I get someone's phone and text her, saying that please call me back etc. meanwhile texting me back saying she never wants to talk to me again, that we're toxic for one another. And meanwhile I'm trying to calm down and think of why she broke it off so abruptly again. I knew talking about an issue wasn't going to be smooth. Although I tried to be smooth with her wanting to talk. Well an hour goes by and she messages me that she is going to call me. She then says she needs time again! And that it's possible we need see other people. I didn't agree to that. So we talk for an hour after that and she is telling me she's not going to see other people until we're done for good. I'm very confused. This only thing is very childish, but for some reason I do love her.. someone just help without bashing! Please

I'm 29 she just turned 22

Edited January 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 5, 2017

oh boy....here are some things;

You rebounded
You didn't allow yourself to grieve the divorce
1 month is way too fast to know if you love someone
Fighting every day 1 month into a relationship is a sign that it is a BAD relationship
Shes 22

None of this is going to breed a successful relationship. You need time alone to heal and find yourself. 22 year olds do not know what they want most of the time and are super flakey. Rushing into a relationship is not healthy.

January 5, 2017

You say this girl is 22. Is that her age or her IQ?

January 5, 2017

[]

ok so she shows up at my house today, telling me she doesn't know what else there is to do to mend things back together. She said she is out of options. But she needs a few days to herself. Says she doesn't want to see me hurt. She just doesn't know what to do and she is confused.

Edited January 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quote of deleted post ~6

January 5, 2017

Is she playing mind games??

January 6, 2017

Rebound relationships rarely prosper.

Why not take some out to heal and regroup?

Take care.

January 6, 2017

Rebound relationships rarely prosper.

Why not take some out to heal and regroup?

Take care.

We talked last night, she said that she's still confused and doesn't know what she is doing. Yes I know the circumstances of rebounding and the age of her, but I still want to understand where she's coming from for closure. I didn't talk to her at all today and she sent me this. "Hope you had a good day. I've thought of you. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I truly am. But I do hope you have a good weekend." What's this even mean??

January 6, 2017

We talked last night, she said that she's still confused and doesn't know what she is doing. Yes I know the circumstances of rebounding and the age of her, but I still want to understand where she's coming from for closure. I didn't talk to her at all today and she sent me this. "Hope you had a good day. I've thought of you. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I truly am. But I do hope you have a good weekend." What's this even mean??

She's easing her guilt and doesn't want you to move on. Block her and go NC....this is the pain train and its coming for you...

January 23, 2017

On January 12th I told my ex I was moving on after many attempts to win her back. She treated me really bad. Then she text me saying this "You're moving on. I completely understand. Today I've felt different, finally like I'm missing something. Idk if I've made the right decision or not. If I have, ok. If not, I wish I had a sign. All I know is that I have missed you today. It's so much to risk. But the thought of you with someone else just doesn't settle. Today is the first day in a very long time that I've imagined a future. Maybe it's just because you're moving on, maybe it's God's way of telling. Me I was wrong. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you where my heart is at but I know you need to heal. I'm very lost. I'm not distraught lost but confused lost. Yes, my number one focus is school but I can't help but think today that maybe when school is settled that we can try again. If you're not up to that I 100% understand. I just want to know. I've thought a lot today. You've changed. I've been to mad, hurt, upset, and hardheaded to realize it. I'm hurt that we couldn't get it on the first try. I'm watching this show with my mom just thinking about us watching it. I haven't thought like that in a month. Also, I have gained so much respect for you. You sat back and have taken my bull **** for 3 weeks. You just take it. I hurt you so bad and you just stay. So if you leave now, I know why. I regret being the way I've been but I know that's my way of trying to act like I'm not hurting. It's dumb. You're a good man. I've been the immature one, not you. I've been the ****ty one. I want you to just please take the time and read this, think about it. I love you with all of my heart. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to hurt. I want the best for you. I might not be the best for you. Idk. But I do know that you've done everything lately to be the best guy you can be and I've still given you ****. So, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I want you to accept my apology. It's sincere. It's not to try and win you over, because either way, together or not, I'm truly sorry for the hell I've put you through." my ex was very set on not wanting to be with me, and just remain friends prior to this.

After that we began to talk, and since last Saturday we've been together up until 2 days ago. During the time we were talking everything was going OK. She says that she misses me and she loves me. She's not acting distant. She's claiming to be my girlfriend. I was happy. We made plans to go to her neice and nephews birthday. On Saturday morning that's when it fell apart. Telling me she didn't want me there. So I say ok. I come home and don't call her. She then texts me and says if I want to come I can. I choose not to. I then take a nap and she blows my phone up asking who I'm fu***** and this and that. Just going crazy. Assuming that I'm with someone else.

Later Saturday night she ends it with me saying she can't handle it anymore. Sunday we talk. She acts very distant. Sunday night she tells me she's been very unhappy, doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, doesn't have feelings for me, etc. my mind is so scattered and my heart is in pieces. I ask her why she calls me if she feels this way and she says she doesn't call me she just calls me back! Which isn't true. She is 22 I'm 29. I'm hurt hurt hurt

January 23, 2017

My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD.

Though you haven't really given enough detail about your relationship to be definitive, that sudden flip in emotions and the extremes of love-hate tend to be characteristic of BPD. Your experience with her in the last few days is very familiar to me; I was there many times with my ex.

These behaviours can also be symptomatic of other problems, so again I stress we can't really begin to guess if she is or isn't suffering from other mental health issues. The LS user Downtown has some excellent and comprehensive information on BDP, if you want to do a thread/post search to check out more and see if it rings true for your relationship.

Rather than try to label her as anything, you would be better to focus on healing and detaching. This isn't healthy for you. Take it from someone who's been there!

January 23, 2017

Sounds like my BPD Ex. Dude, run!!! RUN!!

January 23, 2017

Welcome to LS

If you'd like to do some reading, OP, peruse the posts and threads of a member who experienced it personally and has posted many bits of advice and resource materials on the topic.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/84986-downtown/

I've been around a comorbid dx'd BP2/suspected BPD for a generation or so and found the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' to be very helpful. Good luck!

January 23, 2017

Welcome to LS

If you'd like to do some reading, OP, peruse the posts and threads of a member who experienced it personally and has posted many bits of advice and resource materials on the topic.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/84986-downtown/

I've been around a comorbid dx'd BP2/suspected BPD for a generation or so and found the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' to be very helpful. Good luck!

It comes up with 2000 posts. How long ago was this? I've made a previous post about this girl. If y'all want to go back and read that. These past two weeks have been absolutely insane. She's all over the place. I really do believe she will not reach out again. I just wish I could understand. If you find that post please let me know

January 23, 2017

I mean I wish you guys could read the texts over the past two weeks. She tells me I'm a piece of crap, tells me she loves me, tells me she's not in love with me, why am I having such a hard time letting go?????

January 23, 2017

I'll cherry pick a few threads which will be of general interest I think:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder?highlight=borderline

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/461204-borderline-personality-ex?highlight=borderline

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/600066-why-so-difficult-get-over-abusive-borderline-tendency-relationship?highlight=borderline

You can target the member's posts pretty well by searching their username and the word 'borderline' here, searching entire posts and listing posts or threads as you desire:

LoveShack.org Community Forums - Search Forums

January 23, 2017

Freakishly sounds a lot like my ex.... wow.

Go hard NC for a while and see what happens imo.

January 23, 2017

I mean I wish you guys could read the texts over the past two weeks. She tells me I'm a piece of crap, tells me she loves me, tells me she's not in love with me, why am I having such a hard time letting go?????

Perfectly normal for that disorder. Unless one can disassociate well, it'll make you crazy after awhile. It took therapy to get me the tools to deal with it. I didn't start therapy for that reason, more dealing with care for someone with psychosis, but the tools work pretty well with BPD too.

IMO, unless this is a have-to-go mission, get out. I had to deal because I was a caregiver for a family member. There was no one else to do it. Even then, it got to a point where a locked institution was the only sane option. You don't have that kind of issue, yours is processing out an emotional attachment and moving on to any one of billions of other people on the planet. Sure, easier said than done. You'll get there. She's not going to magically fix herself. If it's BPD, and only a team of professionals can strip away the other possibilities, she's a lifer, most likely. It'll be there forever.

January 23, 2017

What are the symptoms of BPD?

You might be given a diagnosis of BPD if you experience at least five of the following things, and they've lasted for a long time or have a big impact on your daily life:

You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident in the morning to feeling low and sad in the afternoon).
You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change depending on who you're with.
You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
You have suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviour.
You feel empty and lonely a lot of the time.
You get very angry, and struggle to control your anger.
When very stressed, sometimes you might:
feel paranoid
have psychotic experiences, such as seeing or hearing things other people don't
feel numb or 'checked out' and not remember things properly after they've happened.

Truth is many people become "unhinged" during a break up with someone they loved or had known for a very long time, their emotions can be all over the place, they swing from not caring a damn one minute to the depths of despair the next.

The heart tells her "You really love him and miss him and you cannot live without him" and she weakens, but then the head reminds her of all the awful things you did to her, how you never really listened to her, how you never understood her, how you were never really good enough for her. how you can never be "the one" and she goes distant again. Par for the course.

Some people keep all those inner struggles to themselves and eventually they sort it all out in their heads, whilst others will tend to involve the poor dumped person in their back and forth reasoning.

BPD is a very serious condition and should not be "diagnosed" lightly, I don't really think many of the exes spoken about here with "definite" BPD, have BPD at all.

Whatever is wrong or not wrong with her, she is no longer your problem, she has now dumped you twice, there should be no coming back from that.

Move on.

January 24, 2017

I am definitely listening to what you guys have to say. Thank y'all for taking the time to give me insight. I do want to say she JUST now messaged me with a text that said. You Good? What the hell. Same thing as last time

January 24, 2017

dont answer.

January 24, 2017

Push pull. Classic stuff.

Will she kiss me or throw something at me? Hard to know!

Oh, also, if you ever get a chance, check out a psychiatric facility and see how the orderlies and staff handle patients. I learned a lot of tricks from them, both in dealing with the outbursts and developing a healthy style.

The advice to don't answer is sound IMO. Most of the time they'll move on to another target and engulf it. Pretty heady stuff, that solicitous phase. Probably made me more cynical than I'd be otherwise. Hopefully, you won't be affected like that. Too young. Get out and enjoy life. This stuff isn't worth the grief.

January 24, 2017

Is this a sign of BPD?

Charlie, several behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, instability, irrational jealousy, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, and verbal abuse -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Carhill, Expat, Frozen, and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in this toxic relationship for many more years -- or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Charlie.

January 25, 2017

I got these two messages back to back and then a call 15 minutes after the final message. I was in bed so I did not answer. But this is what was said, and yes I did respond for closure of the relationship... is this thing done with???? I've read what you guys said, and yes I do want it to be over. Here's her two messages, and my response.

You're ridiculous. I love how I get texts the day after we end things that you got your fb back. lol but you didn't delete it because of me? Super mature.

You know, I do wish the best for you, but we really were awful for one another. We are night and day. I got to thinking about it yesterday. I'm not confused. I think the right thing is walking away. I thought about how you always made me feel like **** when I didn't give you MY adderall. Why? Because you are addicted to any kind of high. Wether it was you taking pain meds, and lying to my face about it (and making me feel like **** for asking) or you going as far as getting prescribed adderall... I was feeling like **** when you told me that I make you feel like the biggest piece of **** and a nobody and all that, but you treated ME that way in all honesty. You manipulated every situation to make me feel at fault. Wether it was about things like stefanis **** in the house, the adderall, not wanting to go out to the lodge with you or to go to watch Heidi or about you talking to other girls. Any time I would find anything out, you had to turn it on me as well. For example, when you were snapping that girl I asked about, you chose to delete your snap, and even though I did nothing wrong, you expected me to do the same. You said you didn't but yet you always asked and made me feel like I had to hide it from you that I still had it when really I did not wrong at all... I know this is the person you were in your marriage and yes, you've changed, but I have 0 confidence in that you'd not be that person again soon. This is not me trying to make you feel bad, this is me justifying my past confusion and now seeing the true light in the situation. I wish you the best in life but please, keep me out of it as much as you can. I hare people texting me about your Facebook because every time we fight or breakup you change something and make it obvious. So please, out of respect for me, stop. You're almost 30. The games and bs need to end soon.

I'm gonna start off by saying that whenever we initially split up I kept my Facebook how it was, even when I had messenger. It was weeks until I changed my stuff. As far as me activating my Facebook yesterday. I did that to not "play games with you" if I were going to play games with you it wouldn't be that way. Especially since I know you have me blocked. I didn't think people would take time out of their day to write you. I'm sorry that they did that. If I'm going to have Facebook I'm going to have me and Heidi as my profile picture because she's my main focus and always will be. It was Saturday night when you ended things so I wouldn't say it was the day after. As far as me asking you to delete snap chat. I'm sorry. I think I've proven that wouldn't be the case ever again. I haven't had facebook and I've seen you on facebook at my house or wherever we are and I don't say a word about it. As far as me always wanting to be high. I had been taking hydrocodone for my neck even before you came along. I got off of them for you. Then yes got back on because I was in pain. And got back off because of the way they made me towards you it wasn't worth it. As far as the adderrall goes I've actually even forgot about adderall. That was simply to get through my final weeks at school. Period. I have changed and I don't expect you to stick around to see if I can hold true to that. I've accepted the fact that you're done. And I'm OK. I am glad you are not confused and can move on from this. I will always care about you, and you definitely have a special place in my heart. Good luck with school, and yes don't worry I will stay out of your life. Bye (her name)

January 25, 2017

Her response To my message:

Yes, please stay out. Thank you. And I don't give two ****s what you do but it effects me when people text me. EVERY ****ING TIME. You know why? Because YOU are back and forth, publicly. I keep my **** off Facebook, you make it known. And you know that. Grow up.

January 25, 2017

Her: I just don't understand. You lied about why you deleted it. Just like you've lied about everything else. Otherwise you wouldn't activate it when we end. lol pathetic.

Me: I did not change my pic to try and get to you leah. I promise I'm not as ****ty as you think I am. This whole time I've done nothing but try and win you back, and it's made me look worse in your eyes. I've not lied to you. You're really going to believe what you want. No matter what though thank you for being there for me. I have nothing bad to say about you. You really are an awesome woman. I will miss you

Her: You've avoided the last text completely. Because you won't admit the reason you really deleted it and then keep getting it back. On top of making **** obvious.

Her: And I remember when you changed our pic because it "wasn't hunting" lol you say I do everything I'm against... no that's ****ing YOU

Me: Hang on, I'm not avoiding it. I deleted so I could get out of the habit of always getting on there. I set a limit to how much I'm on it from here on out.

Her: and you shouldn't have anything bad to say about me? I've never lied cheated talked to other guys did drugs etc. so no you have nothing bad TO say

Me: Leah I care about you. I really do. I would do anything to make this right. I wish you knew that.

Her: No. I never could be with you. Things will never be made right. You're nothing like I thought you were and as much as you hate hearing it, you're VERY immature for your age charlie. I date older thinking they will be more mature but obviously that's not always true.

Me: Ok leah I'm sorry you feel that way

Her: You have a lot of growing up to do, as do I. But you know I'm 22, and I'm busting my ass to make a living for my future family. My life is not about drinking or Facebook or tinder and any of that **** yours is. And yes I truly feel that way

Her: you really bring out the worst in me.

Me: ok

Her: Love how you avoid most of it. Sounds about right

Me: I'm in ****ing pain right now leah

Her: And your pic was already changed to you and Heidi so that was irrelevant. You're seeking attention and you got it

Her: Got pop you 4 or 5 hydrocodones. I know you have them

Me: It was of me and shay

Her: Nope. I saw last night from my moms phone. But like I said, seeking for attention. You've got it

Her: And oh, you and Heidi aren't hunting in the picture. You sure that's ok??

I DID NOT RESPOND.

Her: exactly lol

I never cheated on this chick, she's delusional.

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