JennaDT Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Hi guys, My boyfriend of 3 months (before we became exclusive we also dated for about 3 months) just came back from his native country where he spent the holidays with his family. Initially things were great, but later in the evening he suddenly broke down and told me that he still loved his ex-wife and that he couldn't tell me that he loved me yet (note: I also haven't said it yet and I'd rather he be honest about his feelings than telling me he loves me but not actually mean it. On my end, I'm also not ready for 'I love you's either). His ex-wife suddenly left him about a year ago (after work he came home to an empty apartment) and after she left, she avoided all contact with him (divorce was taken care of by their lawyers). So even a year later, he still doesn't have closure and I can tell it's still hurting him terribly. They were married for 8 years, so I told him I thought it was normal he still misses her from time to time and still has feelings for her. I told him it was okay for me to take things slow and that I didn't want him to feel pressured regarding our relationship and to take all the time he needs to process this. This seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but then I started googling (should not have done that) and pretty much all advice says to break up. And if his ex-wife was still around, there would be no doubt in my mind about breaking up. But she's gone back to their native country and has rebuilt her life there without him, so in that sense she's not a threat to our relationship. Any thoughts :/? Jen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 He isn't yet ready to be in a commitment. His ex may not be a physical threat, but she is a mental and emotional threat. You've noticed it, soon you will lose patience and it will turn sour. I think it wise that you step way back, maybe not break it off, but don't progress. Odds are good that contact is coming soon from his ex, unless she is a sociopath her guilt of basically abandoning him will get to her and she will reach out, that will go one way to two ways, 1) it will solidify that she is no longer someone he wants in his life or 2) send him into a tailspin. The latter is bad news for you....I would slow down, maybe casually dating. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lackadeema Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I am feeling the same as you're guy and I've been in a relationship for 4 months now with my gf and I do genuinely love her. Currently I have them both in limbo because I've told both of them I need to be on my own to sort my feelings out. My wife left me 9 months ago, filed for divorce within weeks and told me to move on. So i did in the end but now she wants to come back and all the old feelings and 19 years of memories came flooding back. I thought i was over it all but it seems not. Its left me completely confused now, do I really love my gf or is it because she is just 'new'?? Did I ever stop loving my wife?? I just don't know now. I am going to break off with my gf for now because it just isn't fair on her and is mental torture, she didn't expect any of this when we got involved with each other and doesn't deserve it. I will always have a bond with my wife, 19 years and 2 kids, I'm not going to have that with anybody else during my lifetime but what I should have done is completely healed and closed the door on my past life before I started a new one with someone else because its just going to ruin every relationship in the future. If she isn't around then that helps, mine lives a mile away from me and i have to see and speak to her every week because of the kids. Bottom line is it takes a long time to get over divorce or an ex wife, I thought I was and I hated mine with a passion during divorce proceedings but i'm clearly not. If it all goes wrong for me and I lose my gf then thats the price I have to pay but I don't want her to put her life on hold for me 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 His ex wife isn't a threat ...he is the threat to your relationship. You may not be ready to say ILY to him but your heart is free and available to love, not his. His heart and thoughts are still with her. Sure he likes you and enjoys his time with you but You are the band-aid girl. You're the bandage on his wounds that makes him feel better. What do we do with a bandage when our wounds are healed? Yes we throw it away. This is a text-book heartbreak waiting for you. In these situations, most of the time, once the person is healed he does not stay with his band-aid. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 His feelings for her is the threat to your relationship. He's not done with her... and until he is, he's using you to mark time until he can get back with her. The longer he is away from her, the more "sainted" she becomes in his mind. This is a minefield of which you'd be best advise to stay out. If he can't go back to his native country without falling back in love with his ex, then he's not emotionally ready to be with you. There is nothing here worth saving, except a platonic friendship perhaps. He won't be fair to you until she is eradicated from his system. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Jenna, if his heart is still with his ex wife, it can't be total committed to you or the relationship. There's a whole grieving process he needs to go through before he will be ready. He's just not there yet. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennaDT Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 Thanks for your feedback :-). I have to say, though, that he's gone back to his native country some other time while we were already dating and it didn't create the same effect, so that makes me think the holidays possibly made it worse. I think I'm just going to keep dating him casually like DKT3 said and try not to invest too much in the relationship for the time being. And if there's no improvement in the next say 6 months, I'm going to cut my losses :/. But for the time being, I really don't want to give up on this relationship yet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I really don't want to give up on this relationship yet. If this guy is telling his ex wife that he still loves her, he's giving up on your relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 He isn't ready to be with someone/anyone. Not even close. Take care. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I think I'm just going to keep dating him casually like DKT3 said and try not to invest too much in the relationship for the time being. And if there's no improvement in the next say 6 months, I'm going to cut my losses :/. But for the time being, I really don't want to give up on this relationship yet. Maybe the first time he went he didn't want to mention it to you and this time it was too overwhelming to not warn you. Your solution is to offer yourself on a silver platter to be used as a crutch. That's how you value yourself? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 I think I'm just going to keep dating him casually like DKT3 said and try not to invest too much in the relationship for the time being. And if there's no improvement in the next say 6 months, I'm going to cut my losses :/. But for the time being, I really don't want to give up on this relationship yet. The fact you are not willing to give up knowing he loves his wife, probably means you are already emotionally invested. Another 6 months you will be seriously involved and by then he will have realised you are NOT his wife, not even close and as Gaeta says he will throw you away like an old bandage. YOU are the "rebound" and rebounds tend to get very hurt. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
friendlyfriend Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 What is the goal you are hoping for in this relationship:boyfriend...'exclusive'...marriage? This seems very early in a relationship to be thinking seriously about a 'loving' relationship. Those are very special and usually developed over an extended period of time of learning and testing. Love is more than feelings. Love is total commitment and in the case of marriage, 'til death do we part.' Obviously, that didn't work out in his last marriage, and he played some part in that, so don't be in such a hurry to start another one with him until he figures out his part and what that means for his growth and learning. Be cautious. What would his ex-wife say why they divorced; it is most likely a different perspective from how he sees it. After a divorce, 2 years is a fair amount of time to wait before considering another relationship. Take lots of time in making serious commitments, or they really aren't being taken seriously; more emotionally and circumstantial, and thus likely to lead to disappointment and heartache. It sounds as if you are getting good feedback here, and I'm glad you posted so that you can protect your heart and future. Listen to trustworthy friends and family too. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 I think I'm just going to keep dating him casually like DKT3 said and try not to invest too much in the relationship for the time being. And if there's no improvement in the next say 6 months, I'm going to cut my losses :/. But for the time being, I really don't want to give up on this relationship yet. I think you're really going to regret this decision. You are already more invested than he is, and the longer you are together the more painful it will be when you realize he is still not in love with you. You are fooling yourself if you think you want / are capable of casual. Most women aren't, and use this as an excuse to hang onto an unfulfilling relationship and avoid being alone. He is comparing you to his ex wife constantly (in his mind), and with their history together, she is winning every time. It is no contest. If you've ever been in love before, you know that no one compares. It's best to get out now, and if/when he gets over her maybe he will call you up and you can start fresh. And if he doesn't, you really were nothing more than his bandaid anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 The fact you are not willing to give up knowing he loves his wife, probably means you are already emotionally invested. Another 6 months you will be seriously involved and by then he will have realised you are NOT his wife, not even close and as Gaeta says he will throw you away like an old bandage. YOU are the "rebound" and rebounds tend to get very hurt. Yup. You are already emotionally invested as elaine567 says! That's why you are unwilling to let go now. Your claim to dating w/o making any more of an investment is simply not true. By nature, you will find yourself deeper within the emotional quagmire and it will be much worse when, if it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I've been with too many men who are hung up on their ex's. Some were ex-girlfriends, some were ex-wives, some were deceased girlfriend and deceased wives. I've been there a lot. The last time was 13 years ago and that was truly my last time. I thought I could accept it, but I've seen it time and time again....after a while men just don't respect (and maybe women do this as well) the new girlfriend if she is willing to settle with being second best. If you're lucky, the comparisons are only in his mind. If you're unlucky, they rob you of your self-esteem ever so slowly and ever so subtly. What you're inadvertently telling this man is that: you're okay with the fact he still loves his ex-wife. You're okay with the fact he doesn't love you or isn't ready to say it. Unless this is a rare stand up guy, he's mentally asking himself what other limitations you will be okay with? And what will you do to 'make' him love you? He is building the ex-wife up in his mind and only remembering the good times. You deserve someone who will put YOU first. You aren't going to 'invest' in him anymore? Great - how about not investing any bedroom time? I bet he moves on from you within a month if he isn't getting any. A friend in her 30s dated a man also in his early 30s who lost his wife after a long cancer battle. He was dating within three months of her funeral and having sex as soon as he could. Yet, he constantly did a push-pull with the women he dated. He wanted sex, lots of sex, but any holiday or anything they needed help with or any emotions they had and he was not to be found. Every time they broke up he was banging a different woman by the end of the week. She put up with him for four years before she finally had enough (and a baby that he couldn't connect with and wouldn't be a father to). Now that may not be you, but if you must stay with this man, set your limits and don't cross them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennaDT Posted January 7, 2017 Author Share Posted January 7, 2017 Thank you all so much for the great advice. I really don't know what I was thinking the past few days. I'm not a woman who's okay with being second best and I have no interest in becoming this type of woman. I'm meeting him tonight and I'm going to end things. I want someone who puts me first and who only loves me, I don't want to live in another woman's shadow. And like kendahke said, the ex wife does seem to become more sainted as time passes, so I don't want to have to compete with that. I'm going to suggest we stick to just being friends and if he ever gets over his ex wife and wants to get back together with me, I can still see if I'm still up for it at that point. And if he doesn't want to stay in touch if there's no physical relationship involved, I'll know right away I'm the bandaid. It's best to rip it off quickly anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I have to say, though, that he's gone back to his native country some other time while we were already dating and it didn't create the same effect, so that makes me think the holidays possibly made it worse. This time he may have spoken to her, seen her, even hooked up with her, anything is possible. She may not have been willing to do that before as it was all too raw and too recent Never get involved with anyone who has unfinished business with their ex, it usually just ends up in heart ache for you. You are doing the right thing. Walking away and leaving them to it, is your best plan of action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennaDT Posted January 7, 2017 Author Share Posted January 7, 2017 When he told me he still loved his ex-wife, one of my first questions was if he had seen or heard from her and he said no. And I don't think he would lie to me about that. I think what hurts him the most is that she just left without any explanations and that he can't get closure because of that. He's clearly wondering what he's done wrong and what he could have done differently to keep her from leaving. At the moment, I think it would actually be good if he just went back to his native country, tracked down his ex and asked her for clarity. If they end up back together, so be it. If not, it might help him get over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 When he told me he still loved his ex-wife, one of my first questions was if he had seen or heard from her and he said no. I am not sure I would believe that. Something happened to revive his feelings and revive them strongly enough to warn you about it. You think that he shared something deep with you, he didn't. What he did is warn you his heart does not belong to you and may never. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I have to give him props for being honest with you. It was ****ty of his ex wife to blindside him the way she did after 8 years. Those feelings are still pretty raw. I hate to say ti but you are a rebound, and he is just not ready for it. I wouldn't necessarily break up but I think you need to take a step back and maybe re-evaluate this. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 Hi guys, His ex-wife suddenly left him about a year ago (after work he came home to an empty apartment) and after she left, she avoided all contact with him (divorce was taken care of by their lawyers). Any thoughts :/? Jen I thought someone would catch this. Most women who leave a man, any man with these circumstances are being abused. Men or women don't up and leave...unless they are afraid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I thought someone would catch this. Most women who leave a man, any man with these circumstances are being abused. Men or women don't up and leave...unless they are afraid. Are divorce judgement public information where you are from? look it up online. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennaDT Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 Unfortunately, divorce judgments are not publicly available here so I can only rely on what he tells me. I really don't think he saw her or talked to her when he was back home, but he did tell me earlier today that she still has casual contact with some of his friends back home, so he hears updates about her from time to time (including the fact that she has a new job and bought herself a house). He said he realizes she's not coming back, but it's still hard to let her go. I've also always found it odd that the ex wife would just leave like that, but she took about half of their belongings with her and drove back to their home country. So I don't really get the impression that she was scared per se, but that she just wanted to leave without him attempting to stop her :/. I think if I were scared, I would just leave and not also take kitchen appliances with me... That being said, I went over to his place tonight to talk things over and I told him I didn't want to be his rebound, that I didn't want to live in another woman's shadow, that I'm not his ex wife and never will be, and that I only want to be with someone who really wants to be with me (and only me!). And as expected, he said he wasn't able to offer me that at this point. He's doing the best he can, trying to get over his ex, but it's very difficult. So I told him I understood, but that I also needed to protect myself, which he also completely understood. In the end he asked if we could still be friends and that seemed like a good idea to me as well. No harm in keeping in touch from time to time and who knows, maybe in the future things might be different. If he ever gets over his ex and we're both interested in making it work at that point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 snip In the end he asked if we could still be friends and that seemed like a good idea to me as well. *No harm in keeping in touch from time to time and who knows, maybe in the future things might be different. If he ever gets over his ex and we're both interested in making it work at that point. *I would keep it very strictly to a business of "keeping in touch from time to time." Don't let yourself slip into being number 2, as a consequence of seeing too much of each other. I feel that there's somebody else out there for you. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 snip *I would keep it very strictly to a business of "keeping in touch from time to time." Don't let yourself slip into being number 2, as a consequence of seeing too much of each other. I feel that there's somebody else out there for you. Take care. I agree with Satu, keeping in touch will only keep you on the hook and do nothing for you. Before you know it you will doing lunch, dinner and then staying over. You will get yourself in deeper and nothing will have changed his end whatsoever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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