Hopeful30 Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 I'm a social gal, I talk to guys all the time. I've traveled the world for many years and have collected an impressive amount of contacts, and every now and then we keep in touch. My new man doesn't like this simply because half of these people are men. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that, but he thinks that every single guy only talks to women because he hopes there could be more. He has cut off all his female friends because he is seeing me, but I don't like that either. I want to trust him because I trust him, not because he doesn't have any women he talks to so 'nothing can happen anyway'. It's healthy to have friends of both sexes, right? According to my man, he never had any female friends unless he wanted something more. I value him more than any of my contacts, but at the same time I don't want to be isolated from socializing with the opposite sex simply because there is a possibility they might want more. What do you think?
Kiwi_Girl Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 He seems to be insecure and controlling. I personally feel that it is healthy to be friends with people from all walks of life, as they enrich your life and help you grow as a person. How long have you been dating? 2
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 I knew it was a matter of time before this become an issue. In your last thread I told you he sounded like a man trying to isolate you and that's worrisome. It starts with male friends then it will be about male co-workers, then neighbors, then the milk man. You need to take a stand right now and nip this in the butt. If you have male friends that are just loose ends then cut them off, the others you want to keep tell them you are in a happy relationship, any of those friends attempt to flirt with you block them. That will show your boyfriend you are willing to meet him halfway but there is no way you will block your friends for a boyfriend of...what? 2-3 months? 3
heavenonearth Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 I would never stop hanging out with my guy friends if a male partner would request it. Never. Gladly, I have never been with anyone who was jealous to that extent that they would forbid me to see my male friends. IF a guy would honestly request that I cut contact with my male friends, he's not the right guy for me. Also, people will rarely change their outlook on such issues. Unless maybe they are young and immature and not old enough yet to realize it's a stupid world view. How old is this guy? If he is under 25, I give him the benefit of the doubt, 25-30 is a grey area. If he is above 30 and requesting this bullcrap, then let him go, he's got some issues you probably are much better off without! 2
hippychick3 Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 In my relationship, the only issue with me having male friends is if they were previous sex partners. I had one male friend that I had slept with and my BF made it very clear he was uncomfortable with it. I did back off on that friendship for his sake. So basically, my BF is okay with me having platonic male friends as long as I've never had sex with them before AND they have not hit on me in any way. Same goes for him. He has many femaie friends all of whom I've met and none of whom he's slept with or wanted to. It's not been an issue. That's healthy.
central Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 It's healthy to have friends, and unhealthy to cut off all contact with the opposite sex because your bf is an idiot. He is unlikely to change this attitude, since he has already take it to extremes for himself. Surely you can find someone more compatible and a bit more open minded? 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Posted January 5, 2017 We've been together 6 months. All these guy friends have been more acquaintances, none close true friends because those either have girlfriends who are against us being close or I sense they might want more so I keep a distance. Others are purely contacts in case I visit their country and need help or a place to stay. My bf is insecure about it because he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and doesn't understand how I can have male friends who don't see me in the same way. To him, men are only friends with beautiful women in case they become available.
doyathinkso Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 To him, men are only friends with beautiful women in case they become available. And, in a nutshell, that is it. Guys like this are called "orbiters" and without a doubt your boyfriend's gut is telling him that one or more of your 'friends' is actually in this category. Guys know guys much better than girls know guys. 7
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 We've been together 6 months. All these guy friends have been more acquaintances, none close true friends because those either have girlfriends who are against us being close or I sense they might want more so I keep a distance. Others are purely contacts in case I visit their country and need help or a place to stay. You should not keep male acquaintances that you think may be wanting to hit on you if opportunities arise. Get rid of those. I don't see why you keep contact with people you met during trips years ago. Especially if you don't have a friendship or you just wish each other happy holidays once a year. My bf is insecure about it because he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and doesn't understand how I can have male friends who don't see me in the same way. To him, men are only friends with beautiful women in case they become available. My BF thinks I am beautiful and amazing and men look at me and men stop me in metro to get my number. He is not insecure about it, he is actually proud that this beautiful woman is his. My BF knows he cannot control me and he cannot control life, if I cheat on him he'll cross that bridge when we get there, if I want to cheat on him no amount of 'controlling me' will keep me from doing it. So your BF would sleep at any opportunity with a beautiful woman in his reach? That's what he accuses all men of doing. 2
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 So, if we summarize this situation, none of those men are your friends. They are acquaintances that keep in touch with you just in case an opportunity arises. Then you have random contacts you don't really speak with, you don't have a friendship with, but you'd want to see them again if you visit their country? That's useless in your life.
central Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 We've been together 6 months. All these guy friends have been more acquaintances, none close true friends because those either have girlfriends who are against us being close or I sense they might want more so I keep a distance. Others are purely contacts in case I visit their country and need help or a place to stay. My bf is insecure about it because he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and doesn't understand how I can have male friends who don't see me in the same way. To him, men are only friends with beautiful women in case they become available. He may have a reasonable concern if you use your contacts for a place to stay. Personally, if I think my gf/wife is trustworthy, I would be okay with this, but many men - and women - would not be okay with their SO staying with an opposite sex friend or acquaintance. Only you can know your private feelings and intentions regarding any of these people. If you know your conscience is clear, then stand on your principles. He is also party right that some men are just waiting for an opportunity. But, does he not understand that YOU can say NO? I am friends with some beautiful women, and I have no designs on them. I have a great relationship, and am not about to jeopardize that by making a pass at a friend. Besides, I'd surely be rejected and lose a friend - not an outcome I want. Yes, there are some men who would take the chance anyway - but, YOU can say NO!
bachdude Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 The question of friends of the opposite sex is not an easy one to answer. This is evidenced by the countless threads on this very forum. Issues that have come up here at LS; wanting to go on day trips with friends of the opposite sex (OS), wanted to even go on vacations with friends of the OS, wanting to visit friends of the OS for several days to weeks, sometimes in other countries, business trips with friends of the OS, confiding in friends of the OS (this is a real touchy one!) how many women here at LS are comfortable with their SOs confiding in a female friend?? how often to talk with friends of the OS on the phone, how often to hang out with friends of the OS, drinking with friends of the OS, clubbing with friends of the OS, flirting with friends of the OS, And the list can go on... The point is, absolutely, friends of the opposite sex shouldn't be a problem. HOWEVER, for most couples the boundaries are different than with a friend of the same gender. So for most couples, friends of the OS are not friends in the same way as friends of the same gender. But then again, it may depend on the couple. Some have open relationships after all!
KBarletta Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 I have a good number of female friends, a large percentage of whom are attractive and whom I would be open to having a relationship with, should the opportunity ever present itself. IF I were single and they were single. The key is - and here is where I think the issue lies - when I am in a committed relationship, it does not occur to me, nor would it, to pursue any such relationship because I am with a committed and trusting partner, who whom I am also committed and trusting. If any of those friends ever approached me to start something while in a relationship (and this has happened), I would avoid them. So the issue isn't so much you having friends of the opposite sex, it's the level of commitment and trust you have with your partner. If he doesn't trust you to have male friends, that is a problem because it means he doesn't trust you. 1
kendahke Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 I'm a social gal, I talk to guys all the time. I've traveled the world for many years and have collected an impressive amount of contacts, and every now and then we keep in touch. My new man doesn't like this simply because half of these people are men. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that, but he thinks that every single guy only talks to women because he hopes there could be more. He has cut off all his female friends because he is seeing me, but I don't like that either. I want to trust him because I trust him, not because he doesn't have any women he talks to so 'nothing can happen anyway'. It's healthy to have friends of both sexes, right? According to my man, he never had any female friends unless he wanted something more. I value him more than any of my contacts, but at the same time I don't want to be isolated from socializing with the opposite sex simply because there is a possibility they might want more. What do you think? As long as you are crystal clear with your male friends that nothing is ever going to develop with them, and you act accordingly when they push on this, there is no problem. He's not friends with women because he is incapable of the requisite self discipline by not pushing for more. That's the plain simple truth. And because he's messy in this regard, he's assuaging his guilt by projecting his messiness onto other guys as if it's their place to own his messiness. No. He's just insecure and untrustworthy. There is no reason why he can't conduct himself without trying to get someone in the sack. It's not required that he cut them off--just that he can control himself by remembering that he's in a committed relationship and acting accordingly. He is saying he's incapable of this. This is going to get really old, really fast. The next step is him blaming you for things you're not doing, but what he would be doing given half the chance. 1
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 I'm a social gal, I talk to guys all the time. I've traveled the world for many years and have collected an impressive amount of contacts, and every now and then we keep in touch. My new man doesn't like this simply because half of these people are men. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that, but he thinks that every single guy only talks to women because he hopes there could be more. He has cut off all his female friends because he is seeing me, but I don't like that either. I want to trust him because I trust him, not because he doesn't have any women he talks to so 'nothing can happen anyway'. It's healthy to have friends of both sexes, right? According to my man, he never had any female friends unless he wanted something more. I value him more than any of my contacts, but at the same time I don't want to be isolated from socializing with the opposite sex simply because there is a possibility they might want more. What do you think? He's pretty much right. They are called orbiters. You must be attractive, and if you are then yes they wouldn't mind doing you but keep it to themselves.....but they are thinking it. Are they a threat, no, but when you are in a committed relationship you should cut back on contacting them...say the ones you talk to on a daily basis. But I don't think you should cut them out of your life. as time goes on, some will do that for you if you both become steady for a long time or get engaged. IMO, you both must come to a compromise about this. If he is or you are going to dig your heals in about it, this relationship hasn't a leg to stand on. 2
preraph Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 When you're like you, you have to find someone who is similar. Someone secure who will leave the door right open and if you come home, great, and if you don't, oh, well, there's other fish in the sea. Someone who is sure of their own ability to keep a woman without making her wear an ankle monitor. They're rare, though. 1
gorf Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 And, in a nutshell, that is it. Guys like this are called "orbiters" and without a doubt your boyfriend's gut is telling him that one or more of your 'friends' is actually in this category. Guys know guys much better than girls know guys. Very true and I think that's more of what hes concerned with. Look, lets face the fact: if you are a beautiful woman and I am a single guy (and I don't have much respect for relationships) I will be waiting for the day I find out you are single or on the rocks. And 'friendly' contact with you, whether you are aware or not, will be in some way to find out if you are one of those yet. Any guy you are dating is going to feel uncomfortable knowing you have guys like that in your pocket on your phone ready to go. 1
kendahke Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 Any guy you are dating is going to feel uncomfortable knowing you have guys like that in your pocket on your phone ready to go. if you are a beautiful woman and I am a single guy (and I don't have much respect for relationships) I will be waiting for the day I find out you are single or on the rocks. And 'friendly' contact with you, whether you are aware or not, will be in some way to find out if you are one of those yet. That's projection and has nothing to do with OP or her friends. Nothing can happen unless OP decides to take things there and she isn't saying anything remotely close to that. They can't make any move without her express permission and involvement. None. When or if they try, OP cuts them off cold and blocks them. Problem solved. 2
fireflywy Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 That's projection and has nothing to do with OP or her friends. Nothing can happen unless OP decides to take things there and she isn't saying anything remotely close to that. They can't make any move without her express permission and involvement. None. When or if they try, OP cuts them off cold and blocks them. Problem solved. This is true. In fact all of the posters have been true in their own ways. Yes, if you are an attractive woman you have guys orbiting you waiting for you to become single. It may not be what most want to hear, but it's true. There's a high probability that even those guys who are now accepting of friendship, prior to that boundary being firmlys established, would have dated you. Just how a large majority of guys are. Lol Yes, your boyfriend may be insecure because he know this. No, his insecurity isn't a death curse for the relationship. All people have challenges or stale soil as it were, which if patiently watered by the right person, they can grow out of and become more confident in a relationship. Lastly, the above poster is absolutely right that these guys don't have a chance but that it's absolutely dependent on you putting up the force fields which will, in turn, help your BF grow beyond this. Also, if any of these guys aren't absolute, true friends, then you need to nip those threads immediately. As I told a poster in another thread... BURN YOUR (the mere acquaintances) SHIPS. 2
GravityMan Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 It is generally not difficult to figure out which male friends are legitimate friends and which ones are orbiters. An orbiter tends to give off a certain vibe in his mannerisms and actions. Most other guys in the vicinity (and a lot of women too) will sense this sort of guy easily. Any perceptive person that's a decent judge of character will be able to make the distinction between legit friends (or acquaintances) and orbiters...and quickly in many cases. It is good and healthy to have opposite sex friends; most adults have good male and female friends. However, it is wise to keep your distance from "friends" that are really orbiters. Especially those that have poor self-control and have issues with respecting boundaries. I'd suggest this even if you were single. Establish firm boundaries with your friends and colleagues if you haven't done so already. And enforce them. An orbiter may attempt to go a mile if you give him an inch. OP, it is silly for your boyfriend to paint ALL opposite sex friends with the same broad brush. That's insecurity, and probably a step or two away from being controlling. As long as you don't "cross the line" with one of your friends, things will probably be alright. I think most secure adults will evaluate their partner's friends on an individual-by-individual basis. There may be one or two particular opposite-sex friends that will give him/her a bad feeling in his gut. If so, he may talk to her about his concerns...but ultimately it's her decision on what (if anything) action to take. 3
doyathinkso Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 To prove to you that we're not blowing smoke about 'orbiters' just check out this new thread. The poster here is going through what your boyfriend suspects will happen to you in the near future. ..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/608511-her-best-male-friend-told-her-he-loves-her
kendahke Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 if you are an attractive woman you have guys orbiting you waiting for you to become single. It may not be what most want to hear, but it's true. So what if that's true? Still, the onus is on that woman, regardless of how she looks, to act with integrity. If you're still with an attention monger, then you knew what she was once you got with her and you continuing being with her, knowing this about her, tells her it's ok for her to seek attention from other guys because you will not administer any consequences. You'll just wring your hands and whine instead of dumping her and moving on. There will be nothing about you that's going to make someone like this open up a can of 'act right' because she needs more than you are prepared to deliver. Recognize a problem and resolve it before you get overly invested and hung up on how she looks. 1
fireflywy Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 So what if that's true? Still, the onus is on that woman, regardless of how she looks, to act with integrity. If you're still with an attention monger, then you knew what she was once you got with her and you continuing being with her, knowing this about her, tells her it's ok for her to seek attention from other guys because you will not administer any consequences. You'll just wring your hands and whine instead of dumping her and moving on. There will be nothing about you that's going to make someone like this open up a can of 'act right' because she needs more than you are prepared to deliver. Recognize a problem and resolve it before you get overly invested and hung up on how she looks. Hi. Pretty sure I agreed with you on what you said. Lol
phineas Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 Will not seriously date a woman with lots of male friends. Being a male friend to many women i've had a few come onto me when they wern't happy with their BF's. They downgraded the guy to FWB without his knowledge and wanted some loving. i'm not even that hot. I just listened to their problems with him then pretty much told them it's their fault because they keep dating a d-bag. then they came onto me. lol. Told each of them to call me when they are single then distanced myself from them. funny thing, when they did become single they were no longer interested. go figure. 2
heavenonearth Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 Will not seriously date a woman with lots of male friends. Being a male friend to many women i've had a few come onto me when they wern't happy with their BF's. They downgraded the guy to FWB without his knowledge and wanted some loving. i'm not even that hot. I just listened to their problems with him then pretty much told them it's their fault because they keep dating a d-bag. then they came onto me. lol. Told each of them to call me when they are single then distanced myself from them. funny thing, when they did become single they were no longer interested. go figure. Some women just get along better with guys than with girls. I was never much of a girly girl, and I don't have many girl friends for that reason. Most girls I meet get bored with me when I don't want to go shopping with them or into a disco or the nail salon. I much rather hit the bar with the boys or go to the museum or swimming with them. I actually asked an acquaintance-like girl friend of mine if she wants to join me at the swimming pool. She looked at me with disgust?!!! I don't know, people are weird here. Thing is, I am bored with most girls, too. Yes, sometimes I meet some that are interesting, but even the intellectual ones still are occupied with feminine things that I don't care about. Guys are just more uncomplicated and easier to talk to, for me. There is also less drama, and I hate drama. It would be a shame if a guy wouldn't date me because of my preference for male friends. It's only the guy's insecurity, in my opinion. And a lack of trust. I am happy my current lover is not a jealous person. We are long distance, and if he'd freak out every time I meet a guy friend, we'd be very unhappy. I'd probably ditch him. No time for losers.
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