my ex girlfriend(Chinese), engaged and getting married is unsure

January 5, 2017

HI

I have been with Chinese girl for 2 years and 1 year LDR, she 4 months ago suddenly broke up with me telling me she lost attraction, we went NC, spoke few times but she was cold, when I found after 3 months she is getting engaged and married,i contacted her wished her best. Myself went through hell but thanks to this website and other work on myself I have recovered pretty well. 89%.

So I spoke with her and we unblocked social network as I told her to be mature (25) and that we should talk, she said her future husband has been introduced to her and that her parents can't accept me. or hard to accept me as we really never tried seriously to be introduce but when parents find out about me they were furious that she is dating foreigner. ( i was her first love and we really clicked).

from conversation she seems like have feelings to me but because of the parents pressure she had to fall into other guy who she claims loves her more than she him.

Shall I stay in some kind of friends contact with her? (although she says it would upset her husband, so she says perhaps not good idea but when she feels he does not treat her good she would like to contact me) is it (doormat)?

I said ok but I am not sure I will be there for you as maybe my new gf will be angry too.

Looks like she is in set up marriage , has still feelings to me , some kind of feeling to the new guy but is rather forced thing to have family in young age.

I told her that she should be who is and not change for other people if they don't like who she is than see you. but don't change for others be yourself.

Obviously I am moving forward as I had hard landing on this break up but I told her i am dating few girls as I don't want any serious relationship now as I am single and want to enjoy my life a little get my business sorted out. I am person who never had problem with getting women and now is even better than ever.

What is your opinion on this situation? What scenarios here could play out.

I am taking move on option obviously.

January 5, 2017

Move on. She's made her choice and now needs to live with it. And you are free to find another woman who is truly a good match for you.

January 5, 2017

doesn't seem like much u can do.

The only alternative to moving on would be doing something totally drastic/crazy like flying over there and asking for a meeting with the parents.

Is she loves you enough, anything is possible.

It either a big crazy manoeuvre like that or just move on. Doing what your doing now (sitting around analysing) will achieve nothing.

But you post is confusing because you say its because of a forced marriage but then u said she admitted to losing attraction to you. If its the latter, there is nothing u can do.

Edited January 5, 2017 by marky00

January 5, 2017

thanks,

lost attraction was her reason for official break up, but maybe it was, who knows I was away for 8 months and had 2 months more to go,

nobody knows what is the truth. she basically said now that that guy was introduce to her , i don't know when , as parents did know that she is with me in LDR. I wanted to sort out all when we back but she kind of was confused about my future if I can actually come or not and maybe she will miss her chance.

She gambled.

January 5, 2017

my point is she may have been letting you down lightly which most dumpers do.

in time, u will work out in your head if she cares for you or not. When someone cares, they have vulnerability about them.

January 5, 2017

small adjustment,

I am divorced ( she was the trigger ) as my wife filed for divorce 2 year ago but i was hesitating, when she came in to the life i said ok i do it, and I had child too.

told the girl all if she can accept my past as I have a past and is like that and I want to be clear that we are in one direction, she accepted for a time, until she decided otherwise.

so I turned out that I am idiot now . I mean divorce for myself anyway.

January 5, 2017

in the conversation she sounded like she try to convince herself that I am not divorced and I told her that for gods sake I am, she was looking for closure i guess, on convincing herself that she made right decision.

what a mess. what a mess....

i never want to make this relationship anything bad to happen , I said I had to be straight with her and rest we will figure out.

January 5, 2017

sounds like she is finding excuses because that is easier that telling someone they no longer love you.

The more you talk about this, the more I feel like she simply isn't feeling it anymore.

January 5, 2017

Family is very important to most people and having a partner who is "accepted" by the family is what most people want. They want comfort and ease and a happy life, they do not want fighting and feuding over people their family will never accept.

This is even more enhanced in traditional cultures, so families may have very rigid rules and expectations as to who they want their children to marry.

We in the West tend to think love conquers all, but even some Western families are not very accepting of anyone who does not conform to the "standards" of the family.

Faced with huge family opposition most people will eventually capitulate and ditch the "undesirable" person in favour of someone their family will approve of.

The family bonds usually prove stronger than most romantic bonds.

I guess this is what happened here, faced with ostracization from her family she conformed and accepted the "arranged" marriage to a suitable man.

January 5, 2017

all my western and more sophisticated Chinese friends laughing at me that how come girl from countryside who is perhaps high school educated , flight attendant be in my head , I have good western education , high culture and speak many languages, had many businesses, traveled the world, and literary girls coming and asking for my number every day in Asia. and in the west I have no problem with dating too.

they tell me to drop this topic and move on to better things , everything apparently can be better than that girl.

she does not even apparently understand my mind. so what the hell am I only in her looks in love or what ?

friends say that my standard went well too low . and people like her will should stay where they are in their cities as they deserve life there and not with person like me.

but I had different imagination , I thought I could send her to school and educate her so she can be much better than anybody in her family, nobody even ever been abroad from their whole family.

is it love that blinds me so much or I have some sickness or unresolved issues?

. as my ex wife is with MA degree from western school and rich family and I lowered myself to low paid flight attendant with no education and traditional family and, I got dumped.

January 5, 2017

all my western and more sophisticated Chinese friends laughing at me that how come girl from countryside who is perhaps high school educated , flight attendant be in my head , I have good western education , high culture and speak many languages, had many businesses, traveled the world, and literary girls coming and asking for my number every day in Asia. and in the west I have no problem with dating too.

I'm sorry but someones education and what their career is doesn't make them less of a person and shouldn't make them less desirable. This comment makes me think you think you are better than her. Maybe that is why you can't handle the rejection.

Shes getting married. Time to move on and leave her in the past.

January 5, 2017

for me her education wasn't a problem, I accepted her as she was.

as for a rejection , every single rejection is hard to take, doesn't matter from who. its a rejection.

January 5, 2017

for me her education wasn't a problem, I accepted her as she was.

as for a rejection , every single rejection is hard to take, doesn't matter from who. its a rejection.

You accepted her yet here you are insinuating she is less than because she is a flight attendant and doesn't have a degree? That is not accepting someone. That is tolerating it because you liked her.

Degree snobbery is not attractive. She probably felt the same way. FYI a lot of people who do jobs you think are less than and don't have University education are actually highly intelligent and lead successful fulfilling lives. Your post said a lot more than you realize. Not everyone enjoys school or has the money for it.

January 5, 2017

I'm sorry but someones education and what their career is doesn't make them less of a person and shouldn't make them less desirable. This comment makes me think you think you are better than her. Maybe that is why you can't handle the rejection.

Agreed, that comment was a bit off.

To hell to what your friends said. It's what is your heart that matters.

I was in a LDR with a Thai woman for 9 years so I have some experience in this matter

It was hard when she finally broke it off and I guess it did hit my ego more given that I was in the western world and had more money etc.

But I loved her and that happened like 2 years ago and I'm not 100 per cent over it all but I have got a better place.

The lesson I took from it (and you should to), is when you meet someone you love, just get the basics right. Don't overthink this and that. Be bold and try see past the potential obstructions you face. So important when you having a LDR due to the cultural differences etc.

But overall this post is still confusing. On the one had we are talking about her making this decision on family grounds but what I am more interested to hear is how you and possibly her emotionally felt about things.

Edited January 5, 2017 by marky00

January 5, 2017

i have seen coming that parents will be obstacle but she assured me that she can deal with it. so what shall I do? I had to trust her.

I am moving on , and my friends just joking but they say that there is plenty of girls, and she made her decision is hers, I should leave her alone and move on to better other girls.

although I want to ask if she contacts me and I don't know feels sad , shall I support her or just be bad for her what what she has done (actually this break up was a blessing for me despite of the pain ) and tell her to get out from my life as you dumped me so you deal with your problems. or I can be her older brother if she really get in to trouble be next to her. I mean she betrayed me but as well is my fault too.

i mean if she is married and I no longer can be with her and I am enough out of the zone of any hurt than I guess some help is ok, we are only human, or not?

January 5, 2017

Sounds similar to my mistakes.

She may have been waiting for you to take leadership and propose to her.

This is very important in the Asian cultures.

Don't beat yourself up too much because yeah I made the same mistake.

Why was the breakup a blessing for you?

January 5, 2017

On the one had we are talking about her making this decision on family grounds but what I am more interested to hear is how you and possibly her emotionally felt about things.

It doesn't really matter what he felt or she felt, the relationship was doomed due to family judgement.

A divorced "foreigner" with a kid was not the man they wanted her to marry, or in fact she wanted to marry I guess if she was being completely honest.

She wants to keep thajake around as plan B, but even if she leaves her husband, she will be grateful to thajake for any support he can give (money I guess), but he will still not be what she wants/needs as a long term prospect, as she will still want to please her family.

OP

YOU do not love this girl, your ego is sorely bruised that is all.

Move on

Try not to look for people you can change into what you want, that is a recipe for disaster. YOU took an "urchin" and decided that you would turn her into a "princess". It may work in the movies but this is real life.

Better to find people who ARE what you want, that way you waste less time trying to change people (who don't usually want to change) and spend more time on actually forming a good relationship with them.

As a divorcee with a child, you need to make doubly sure the people you date and their families are fully on board with that, before you get too involved.

As you have found, some people and their families will not accept you for that reason, no matter how good a "catch" you otherwise may be. "Traditional" or "strict" or families with "rigid" rules are not easily turned around, so at the first sign that there is any risk they will not accept you then I would not "trust" it will all be fine. Confront the issue head on and find out for certain, do not take the word of any woman who is probably besotted and who does not want you to leave her, but knows very well that there is not a hope in hell of her family ever accepting you.

Women also tend to be very close to family, so the chances of her deserting her family to be with you are often very slim, no matter what she may say.

January 5, 2017

It doesn't really matter what he felt or she felt, the relationship was doomed due to family judgement.

I agree with a lot of what you said but having lived a similar relationship myself, we all like to live relationships from our hearts which is why I was curious of the emotions involved.

For me as time went on post breakup, I tried to logically pin it to everything you said, the cultural issues, the fact I would have to provide for her and possibly her family as well etc etc.

But, I could never shake the fact regarding the emotional side of it and the fact that really, if there is love both sides, its hard not to beat yourself up for it not working.

It being supposedly doomed is something I or the OP can never know for sure. Just have to live with it I guess.

January 5, 2017

thanks for this great comments.

does she deserve I am a Plan B? I can never be with her as I see her already as different person that changed, that I am not in love with. plus is my EGO only I guess now elaine567 said. Just my ego wants me so she admits that she did wrong. so i can feel psychologically secure.

why was a blessing ?

i didn't have such a pain since high school, just rejection plus replacement and NC. I mean I didn't even know I was that in involved.

I went through great metamorphosis , I learned so many things, and most of all I am single now with options, I used all tricks in the books to kill fast the pain, lost 5kg. 4 months of pain it can change you for better if you know how to focus yourself. I really now have to figure out what kind really women I want. I know I can love unconditionally.

secondly, I found that I don't want to live in China anymore, too dirty, too many problems, i spent there enough time.

January 5, 2017

in the conversation she sounded like she try to convince herself that I am not divorced and I told her that for gods sake I am, she was looking for closure i guess, on convincing herself that she made right decision.

what a mess. what a mess....

i never want to make this relationship anything bad to happen , I said I had to be straight with her and rest we will figure out.

i am sorry to be brutal, normally when a chinese girl in love with a guy, the first thing she will do is introduce him to parents. Just tell parents i want him rather than to get consent from parents like decades years ago. you were in relation but seems even you didnt talk to her family members. Disagree of her parents just excuse no more.... I hope my poor english could express myself well

January 7, 2017

thanks everybody for participating in this discussion

what I have decided to do it perhaps harsh but i think there is not space in my life for people like that.

I have told her that I don't want to be her friend ever as she betrayed me and if she loved me than she would finish this relationship in mutually respectful way, wait few months until we heal and than start dating. and not leaving me and start dating new guy and ending up with marriage after 4 months.

it would hurt both of us and took longer to heal but I am understanding and respectful man and If she would say to me that time of our relationship should be finish so she can go other way, than fine. but not cutting me off, cold and go to other guy.

she was introduced to other guy, her parents did not know she still with me , she liked him , he was there , perhaps well off, good enough for her need so she said I am taking that. I mean that is betrayal.

i just think as well if she decided to betray me than for somebody who she should marry with thats why she pushed for marriage. Marriage gives her ultimate ending of no return. so she don't loose face. now she has to love that guy no matter what as is marriage. and in china people generally want to marry once.

She did like that but told me that "her attraction to me was over" meaning I have somebody else.

there is no space in anybody life for people who rejects you or betray you.

I wrote to her that "love is about giving without wanting anything in return"-thats my gift for you, happy marriage. and that we will not be able be ever friends.

if she wants to contact me in emergency she can, but she needs to grow up.

she has family now to take care and I am free man to explore new possibilities.

is it normal that we do like that? , when we date seriously with somebody and met somebody new we decide to switch? is it normal? or was it because she wanted something I couldn't give her but as well she never communicated to me what she really wanted.

I remember she was saying to me that its her chance. what is chance? so you love somebody or not? and than you gamble?

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my ex girlfriend(Chinese), engaged and getting married is unsure

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