Abcjmz Posted January 5, 2017 Posted January 5, 2017 Hello all, WARNING: This is a long read! But I would so appreciate your advice. I've been a long time lurker on this site for a little over a year now (started browsing Oct. 2015) and have really found a lot of useful advice and commentary by all members here. But now I find myself in need of some consoling/advice/reality checks by all of you wonderful people. I'll start with a bit of background on my situation. My girlfriend and I broke up just this past Dec. 22, three days before Christmas and our 6 year anniversary. We had been together for 6 years and were HS sweethearts, starting dating at 18 years old. We are both 24 now. We dated all throughout college, then she graduated and got a job after about 6 months of looking. Our large school was about 1.5 hours from our rural hometowns. After graduation in 2015, she immediately moved back in with her parents and is still living there and working, trying to save money. While she was working, I was deep in the application process for medical school. It requires a lot of preparation, studying for the entrance exam, etc, a process that takes nearly 9 months. Then there are interviews, etc. I did not get accepted my first time around which caused a lot of stress so I reapplied the following summer, and was consequently accepted. During out senior year (Feb. 2015) she had started bringing up the idea of marriage and moving forward in our relationship. By that time we had already been together for 4 years (basically all throughout college). I was hesitant because I did not know where I would end up for medical school, where she would end up working, etc. We had discussions about it and I told her I would be ready about half way into school, by then I would have study skills figured out, she would hopefully be at a good job, and things would fall into place. Fast forward this past summer. An old friend from HS was having a birthday party and invited me and her over to celebrate. When I called her to she if she could come with me, she says NO very bitterly because one of her old HS "enemies" might be there. Mind you, we graduated HS 5 years ago. This was just the last straw in one of many instances where she was too scared to go out with me and socialize with old friends. I went to the party and sure enough, all of my old HS friends had their girlfriends/SOs there, except for me. Everyone kept asking, and I felt like such a fool that my girlfriend couldn't be bothered to come because she was too stuck in the past and afraid to see someone she didn't like 5 years ago. So a few days later, I went to see her at her parents house, invited her outside, and told her that I was breaking up with her. Not just because of how I felt at the party, but because I had little confidence in her moving forward in going to social events with me. Fast forward a few more more months, I start medical school, about 1 hour 45 minutes from our hometown. She has been staying over nearly every weekend. She works full-time during the week then drives out to visit and help shop for me while I study. We keep having discussions about our relationship, marriage, etc. Then she lays it on me that she wants me to promise that I will live within 15 minutes from her parents (in the rural hometown) once I am done with training, 6 years in the future. I tell her she is being selfish, why can't she prioritize her future family (i.e. with me and our kids) over her parents? She comes from a family where everyone lives in the same small town, they all marry young (either right after HS or college), and I guess that's just the expectation, to move back and live close to everyone. I have always been very patient with her insecurities and have always looked forward to her visits on the weekends. On Dec. 21 I called her and basically listed out all the reasons why I felt like we should stop seeing each other. She had really been pushing marriage hard, and it made me consider what it would be like marrying her and into her family. Here's what I told her: 1. She wants marriage NOW, and I just am simply not ready for it. Med school is a TON of studying, and I feel like she is trying to take up more and more of my study time. She also believes 24 is already "too old" to get married (according to her family) and she doesn't want to wait a few more years. 2. Her mom at one point "banned" me from their house 2 years ago for a few weeks for reasons I find crazy. Namely that I "walk too loudly" and other stupid things. Since she also constantly puts her parents above me, I feel that this would get only worse in marriage, and I do not want to constantly be less important than her parents. 3. Although she is taking a class to become my religion, she only started last summer, as I feel a last ditch effort. If she cared about me and our future, why not do these things at the 3, 4, or 5 year mark? 4. She says that her only two options are "live with parents" or "live with husband." No desire to move out on her own, develop socially, make new friends, and get her own hobbies (which are now non-existent). 5. I feel like she is very codependent on me. She has mentioned many times before that I am her hobby, and that she wants to spend all her free time with me, which makes me feel good, but also what if I am busy? She says she would be lonely then. Anyway, we met up at a fast-food restaurant and she gave me a handmade Christmas present with tears of anger in her eyes. We talked for a few hours and I explained everything again. She was scared that she wouldn't be able to find another guy like me in her rural town. (One who is studying medicine, driven, etc.) I have been depressed and have been feeling physically ill almost every day since the breakup. Classes have since started again, and it is a struggle to stay focused and study with her on my mind all the time. I very much wanted us to work out, but given these issues, I am not sure if they are something that can be fixed. Can anyone give me hope that in maybe a few months time she might want to try again? She is my best friend and one who I could always rely on and talk to throughout college, my gap year, and in med school. Let me know if I should add anything else. It is late and I feel like crap. I've never loved anyone more than her. Are my reservations about marrying rooted in issues that can fixed? Idk! She is also my first and only serious relationship. Should I be dating others to learn more about myself, etc? I am just so sad that we are not together. Please help me. P.S. We are still friends on Facebook and I have not blocked her number. However I have not communicated at all in these 2 weeks. I have been checking her page from time to time, but she never posts anything, its just to look at her pictures.
basil67 Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 Sorry - it was quite long so I was hoping someone else would reply. I'll read it now
basil67 Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 Why would you want to try again? You've got a laundry list of complaints about her and it sounds like you don't even respect her much. You have a degree of arrogance about you and she's a country girl who's attached to her parents. It's really not a match made in heaven. 2
umirano Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 I agree with basil. You have a long list of great reasons to break up with someone. I probably would not have lasted that long. She constantly put her often petty needs above yours, and that whole parents business is a giant red flag. Move on. You're young, great career. You don't need this millstone around the neck. 2
Sooner or Later Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 All of your reasons are solid (totally valid!) for ending this relationship ESPECIALLY her co-dependency (you are her "hobby"<--scary!) and not wanting to forge an independent life. You'd probably doing her a favour by ending things as it might force her to discover who she is on her own (unless she immediately becomes involved with another which seems like a possibility). It's time to move on, focus on your studies, and try to develop your own life and interests separate from this 6 year relationship that has dominated your young adult life. Let go and do not give her any hope as she will hang on to it and it will harm her own recovery process.
Whodatdog Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 Her co dependency on you is disturbing. You have some really important schooling ahead of you that you really need to concentrate on. I know 6 years is a long time, but re-read your initial post. How may red flags do you see? The person that you want to consider marriage with is someone you are nearly 100% compatible with, and on the same page on all of your important life decisions. She isnt anywhere near there. I dont know how much you dated before her, but it wouldnt be bad for you to concentrate on yourself and your studies, and maybe do some casual dating. It might give you a little better perspective on what you want a future wife to be. You may eventually end up back with her, or you may grow in a different direction and move on. You need to give yourself that option. 1
TheSwanGirl Posted January 6, 2017 Posted January 6, 2017 If religion it's an issue you find in her, leave her alone. Study, and find someone else that's more compatible with you. You've grown each other, that happens when you start dating at a young age.
Hopefuleddie Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 Hello, It can be extremely difficult to focus when such an issue is on your mind; and besides to good news that the feelings and the almost uncontrollable thoughts about her will subside, you might wanna consider your (both her's and yours) future plans and decide whether or not breaking up or staying together is the right move. For example, a career plan that requires location flexibility might be a hard on her, and put a lot of stress on the relationship; while perhaps, a being forced to stay at an undesired location might negatively affect your career plans, stifle your dream, and ultimately cause resentment. Wishing you all the best, and success in med school.
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