Post-break up letter to my soulmate

[yhwh90]

Long story short. I met my soulmate at work (she was hired where I was working) at a time when we were both struggling financially and were very disillusioned with our current life/the future. We happened to meet each other at the most perfect moment; when we both needed to be inspired and filled with hope for a better future. We instantly fell in love in a way that I never experienced before, it was as if without words I knew she was the most perfect person to ever walk into my life and I the most perfect man to walk into her life. We both felt the same way and we both fell deeply in love. We motivated and inspired each other to pursue school again (med school for me and nursing for her). The only thing is that it was a long distance relationship and she was a single mother. Given the difficult circumstances and the fact that we were now in school (she in [] and I in []), the distance became unbearable to her considering she also had a son that she wanted me to raise and I understood but financially it was impossible for me to make a move to her and too much of a risk considering I took out loans for school and so I was stuck in a long distance relationship until the year was done. She slowly became more distant and I saw the end coming so I decided to break up right before Christmas with her because I knew I wouldn't be able to give her what she wanted anytime soon and holding on would only make me selfish. The relationship lasted just short of 2 years, but I can say without a doubt that she is the love of my life, my soulmate. It hurt me so much but I had to do it and I know that we were both on the same page. I wrote her a letter post break up and mailed it to her but now I'm upset because I don't know if it will only hurt her. I only wanted to let her know what she meant to me, how much I appreciate her walking into my life, letting her know that our relationship had a great purpose, and to continue instilling hope of a better future.

 

Here it is... Let me know what you all think (name is changed). After I sent I went no contact and intend to keep it that way to allow ourselves to heal and move on.

 

----------

 

My Dearest Jane,

 

[]

 

Love always,

 

My name

 

----------

 

What do you guys think?

Edited January 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal information redacted ~6

[lana-banana]

Nononononono. No. No. Just no. Unless you really want the letter shared with all her friends (complete with "OMG" and "Insane!" Bitmoji) then no, absolutely not.

 

I realize that might have been somewhat ambiguous so just so we're clear: NO.

[Satu]

As stated above.

[yhwh90]

Previous thread: []

 

I asked admin to remove the letter because if she stumbled upon it online she would know I started the thread, however, it was simply a letter of gratitude/appreciation that I wrote to her thanking her for our time together, for loving me in a way that I've never been loved before, and for inspiring me to continue my career goals during a time when I was discouraged to go on. This also applies to her, as I loved her more than any of her previous BF's did (who treated very very badly) and more than I loved any of my previous exes (who were also not too good to me) and treated her great at all times (arguments were very rare, but were handled well), and also inspired and encouraged her to continue schooling for the purpose of fulfilling her career goals.

 

Overall, it was an amazing relationship and there are much much much more good than there are bad. The distance between us ultimately was the reason for the breakup, but I would confidently say that we always loved one another and always will because we only had good intentions the entire time and appreciated everything about each other, but long distance relationships are simply too hard so she became distant and sort of retreated. I tried to get her to come back from her emotional state while being careful not to appear too needy or clingy, but gave it a shot nonetheless to show her that I cared. When I saw it was going nowhere and to protect my integrity (appearing too needy/clingy) I broke it off and went no contact to begin our healing process and to allow us time to think logically, not emotionally, should we decide to talk again.

 

Well the BU was 3.5 weeks ago, and I sent the letter 2 weeks ago (the day before New Years just to leave it behind in 2016 and start my new life in 2017, lol. Corny I know). I got a text recently saying that she appreciated the letter and that she wrote one back to me (which has not arrived), she wanted to thank me so much before the letter got to me because she just couldn't wait.

 

Now I ask for advice:

 

Should I reply to her text? Wait for the letter to get here and then consider if I should reply???

 

Sadly, I love her but at the moment there's nothing I can do about the distance between us since I'm in school and working now, and can't possibly add travel times of 4 hours total per day of traveling from where she lives to my school. If she wants to try reconciliation the problem of distance will remain which I'm sure will only cause us to end it again at some point. Pragmatically, it is probably best to move on and leave it to God/fate to decide if we will come together again in the future, like the quote says "if you love something let it go. If it comes back it was always meant to be".

 

Anyway! Advice on what's to do about the text?

 

I'll update once I receive the letter! Thanks everyone for the support! It means a lot for something that's so important.

Edited January 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
threads merged, link redacted ~6

[preraph]

Wait and see what her letter says. It's okay to text and just say "I look forward to getting your letter."

 

If you really feel you have something, but both of you are unwilling to make major life changes and move and school changes, etc. to keep the relationship, then I would say move on. It's never easy but someone has to want it bad enough to make the sacrifice -- or, best scenario is you BOTH sacrifice and change plans in the form of a compromise. In other words, if she won't come to your town and you can't stay in hers, find one you would both be able to move to, like maybe where a relative of hers lives for extra help with the kids, that sort of thing.

 

I will say that with you both in serious curriculums which will be followed by internships, I assume, don't know when you'd find time together much. You do not want either person to foot the entire bill because those "paying bills until I graduate" things tend to come to a bad end.

[yhwh90]

The thing is that I'm locked into school far from her until he end of spring 17 semester. After that I can attend schools closer to her, find a job there, and make a move.

 

The thing is that if I was to do that I would have to start applying to schools now for the fall semester before deadlines. As of right now we're broken up so should I be putting so much effort into this? And like you said our programs are quite intense, but this last semester technically wasn't as intense as it will be eventually. I'd be sacrificing everything to move closer to her, and if it again doesn't work out then I'm basically stuck there for another year. I want it bad, really bad, but I don't feel the assurance that I would like to feel if I was to make a move that big. This is why before we broke up and I noticed her concern I tried to push for compromise on both ends to meet halfway, I move closer so that she's still in her state and still relatively close to her family and school and I'm not ridiculously far from my school.

 

Should I begin to apply for schools close to her now just in case we want to give it another shot I would have already planned for that moment?

[yhwh90]

Thanks preraph,

 

The thing is that I'm locked into school far from her until he end of spring 17 semester. After that I can attend schools closer to her, find a job there, and make a move.

 

The thing is that if I was to do that I would have to start applying to schools now for the fall semester before deadlines. As of right now we're broken up so should I be putting so much effort into this? And like you said our programs are quite intense, but this last semester technically wasn't as intense as it will be eventually. I'd be sacrificing everything to move closer to her, and if it again doesn't work out then I'm basically stuck there for another year. I want it bad, really bad, but I don't feel the assurance that I would like to feel if I was to make a move that big. This is why before we broke up and I noticed her concern I tried to push for compromise on both ends to meet halfway, I move closer so that she's still in her state and still relatively close to her family and school and I'm not ridiculously far from my school.

 

Should I begin to apply for schools close to her now just in case we want to give it another shot I would have already planned for that moment?

[layla21]

The thing is that I'm locked into school far from her until he end of spring 17 semester. After that I can attend schools closer to her, find a job there, and make a move.

 

The thing is that if I was to do that I would have to start applying to schools now for the fall semester before deadlines. As of right now we're broken up so should I be putting so much effort into this? And like you said our programs are quite intense, but this last semester technically wasn't as intense as it will be eventually. I'd be sacrificing everything to move closer to her, and if it again doesn't work out then I'm basically stuck there for another year. I want it bad, really bad, but I don't feel the assurance that I would like to feel if I was to make a move that big. This is why before we broke up and I noticed her concern I tried to push for compromise on both ends to meet halfway, I move closer so that she's still in her state and still relatively close to her family and school and I'm not ridiculously far from my school.

 

Should I begin to apply for schools close to her now just in case we want to give it another shot I would have already planned for that moment?

 

Apply there, yes, if the program fits into your personal and professional objective, I encourage you to do it. However, I do not encourage you to do it based on a relationship you are not sure of yourself. You are also unsure about whether or not she will see the effort and appreciates it. There are too many if's (e.g. what if she already has moved on? What if she made up her mind not to give you another chance?). I know first hand how hard a long distance relationship is, I also know how it feels after a breakup to wanting to give everything up in order to be close to the person hoping something will change.

But let me tell you honestly, this all involves hope and it is okay but life changing decisions should not rely on one person. Of course many would say, if you really want it, risk it, at least you tried. But believe me, if it is meant to work out and you guys were meant to be, it would have - no matter the distance.

It surely is hard but think about yourself and your priorities first, if she has moved on, she would have done the same.

[yhwh90]

I agree Layla. Thank you.

 

I'm not clinging onto hope, just simply thinking about setting things up SHOULD we reconcile eventually. I've already accepted that it is over. Thinking that it WILL work again would be wishful thinking and I'm passed that, but I assume that there is always a possibility of wanting to reconcile. However, attempting to reconcile without first addressing the core issue that led to the breakup, in this case the distance, from the many threads I read on the subject will likely end the relationship a second time, quite possibly for good with little-to-no chances of reconciling a third time.

 

Her situation is one where moving too far from where she is will make her life very difficult (considering her child) and I wouldn't want to subject her to that so it's only logical that I should be the one to move, this I understand. I'm a big believer in having faith and that if it's meant to be it will be, but I also understand that some action needs to be taken. I believe that God will help IF He witnesses actions on your part because it shows that you want it enough and that your love and intentions for the other person was/is true and sincere, but having faith with inaction will never quite get you anywhere and shows that your love might not have been as strong or true as you thought it was.

 

I will apply to the schools in preparation for the POSSIBILITY of reconciliation, but like I said as of right now, thinking realistically/pragmatically and putting emotions to the side, I've moved on and know that this is the best course of action. I'm not just sitting around waiting for a miracle to happen but I also don't expect reconciliation as if it is a God-given right.

 

I appreciate the advice Layla, in the meantime I'll wait for the letter she sent and update this thread when I receive it. Thank you!

[yhwh90]

You are also unsure about whether or not she will see the effort and appreciates it. There are too many if's (e.g. what if she already has moved on? What if she made up her mind not to give you another chance?).

 

I know she'll see the effort and appreciate it IF it happens, I just know that. Countless times before she has been exceedingly appreciative of much less. My uncertainty is more based on having things end a second time when we could've saved the heartache by simply moving on. If she has moved and has made up her mind to not reconcile then that is fine with me, if she's happier so be it but I don't want to be the source of her unhappiness. Ultimately my goals are priority, period, but I'll leave the door open for a possible reconciliation considering our reason for breaking up was not something we did to each other maliciously (cheating, etc), but simply the strains of distance on the relationship which was totally out of our control.

 

I appreciate the honesty.

[SerPundnes]

Never send a letter to an ex. It might seem romantic from your side, but will look like a desperate move from your exes side.

 

I was thinking about doing that a while back after being dumped, thank god I read posts on LS on the subject before I sent it.

 

Ended up tossing it instead.

[jamili]

Never send a letter to an ex. It might seem romantic from your side, but will look like a desperate move from your exes side.

 

I was thinking about doing that a while back after being dumped, thank god I read posts on LS on the subject before I sent it.

 

Ended up tossing it instead.

 

Yup. If anyone on this planet can show me an example, story, account, or instance of this letter idea ever actually working to get an ex back, I'd love to see it. I think it probably works like less than 1% of the time. Whereas strict NC seems to have a much higher rate of success from what I've seen/read/heard. Why tank your chances completely and send a letter? I guess if you absolutely 100% never, ever wanted to see her again, and just wanted to bury the hatchet in it forever

[fromheart]

You know when you'll meet your soulmate, you'll never break up.

[preraph]

See what she'd think about it. If she refuses to address it or isn't encouraging or just kind of acts like "I don't care, not my decision" then don't do it.

[kztar]

Here's what you do, you write the letter to us and we read it and call it a day.

 

Under ANY circumstances you send this to your exxxx

[mightycpa]

I'm a little taken aback that you abandoned your soulmate over a matter of money or career or distance. Money is everywhere. Careers are what you make of them. Distances can be bridged, especially in today's world.

 

But soulmates? Where do you find those, and how often does it happen?

 

Maybe we differ on the meaning of soulmate.

[kztar]

I'm a little taken aback that you abandoned your soulmate over a matter of money or career or distance. Money is everywhere. Careers are what you make of them. Distances can be bridged, especially in today's world.

 

But soulmates? Where do you find those, and how often does it happen?

 

Maybe we differ on the meaning of soulmate.

 

What is a soulmate to you ? im curious. I like your description though im with you.

[SerPundnes]

Imho, theres no such thing as a soulmate.

You find those you click really well with, and you find those you don't click with at all!

 

We're all searching!

[yhwh90]

Yup. If anyone on this planet can show me an example, story, account, or instance of this letter idea ever actually working to get an ex back, I'd love to see it. I think it probably works like less than 1% of the time. Whereas strict NC seems to have a much higher rate of success from what I've seen/read/heard. Why tank your chances completely and send a letter? I guess if you absolutely 100% never, ever wanted to see her again, and just wanted to bury the hatchet in it forever

 

Unfortunately it's sent already, lol. I regretted it soon after sending it but there's nothing I can do about it now. Regardless I don't feel bad about it since it was intended to have been a letter expressing my gratitude and wishing her the best, no begging or saying that I'd wait or any of that.

[yhwh90]

I'm a little taken aback that you abandoned your soulmate over a matter of money or career or distance. Money is everywhere. Careers are what you make of them. Distances can be bridged, especially in today's world.

 

But soulmates? Where do you find those, and how often does it happen?

 

Maybe we differ on the meaning of soulmate.

 

I see what you're saying. The issue is not necessarily a lack of money or career, but rather the TIME it will take to have the money and the career that can make us closing the distance and living together a reality. Both she and I are financially unable to make too many moves at this point, especially considering we're in school and so you can't have a career and be in the school at the same time, it's one or the other. Unfortunately all odds were against us.

 

Knowing that she had to spend so much time waiting for that day to come made her disillusioned and very unhappy, and she slowly became distant. I could have either tried to hold on tightly (which I did for about a week the month before the breakup) and risk pushing her away further or I could let her go and allow us to find our back to each other someday if it is meant to be, or move on forever.

 

Did I make a mistake? Possibly, but I know that my love for her was true and apparent to everyone (even her father once commented on how great my love for his daughter was), but apparent especially to her and she won't forget it easily. If circumstances in the future allow us to be together again then we can capitalize on the opportunity. As for now, letting her go was the best course of action because I couldn't subject her to a life of waiting.. I couldn't allow myself or the relationship to be the source of her unhappiness.

 

So should I have let her go? I think given our current situation, yes, but I'll always have faith that if we're meant to be together one day we will be. I've dated many women before her but none I considered a soulmate, she was the first whom I felt a certain magical inexplainable connection with, so I can only have faith that if she is indeed my soulmate then our souls will search for each other once again. That said, I will not wait for it to happen, so I'll date and live life. The rest I leave in the hands of God or fate.

[DarrenB]

Regardless I don't feel bad about it since it was intended to have been a letter expressing my gratitude and wishing her the best, no begging or saying that I'd wait or any of that.

 

That's what usually they are perceived as, regardless of your actual intention/s

[kztar]

whomppppp. Man most people here have been there, done that etc. But atleast you dont feel bad so that's good.

[yhwh90]

Hey guys! So I haven't received the letter yet. Mine took almost 3 weeks to get to her and I'm guessing it'll take just as long for hers to get to me.

 

Question: I will be moving tomorrow and the letter she sent me might get here today or tomorrow or will be forwarded to my new address and will arrive soon I'm assuming. I honestly don't want the letter because the last thing I want to read is a patronizing letter. It would annoy me if she shows pity for me, lol. Now she knows I was supposed to move, so can I just write on the envelope when I receive it "Return to Sender. No longer resides here"? Just send it back and leave the rest in the past and finally move forward with my life?

 

I'm in a much better place now physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've analyzed the situation we were in logically and although our connection was indeed a great one I've come to conclusion that I gave far too much of myself to the relationship and kind of lost myself in the process. I had decided to sacrifice work, weightlifting, social life in order to make myself available to the LDR.

 

I will be finishing up moving tomorrow to a new and better apartment in NYC overlooking the Hudson River, called up old clients that I used to personal train who live in the city and began training them and found a part time job that offers stability, in case clients go on vacation or stop training. I signed up for a powerlifting competition in a month and a half and a strongman competition in 3 months; since the breakup my weight has gone up 10lbs and I'm stronger now then I've probably ever been. I picked up on the guitar again as well and intend to stick with it long-term, been reading many good books, quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey (which I picked up when the relationship started to head south) after 3 months of smoking 1-2 packs a week, and I've been very successful at shutting down the urges. I also decided not to apply to schools in NJ because I'm no longer interested in reconciliation and staying at the school where I am will offer more opportunities for me by way of well-established connections. Two girls are showing interest in me but I'm taking it veryyyy slow. I don't need the sex to make me feel better, I know when I want it I'll be able to find it, but I just want to make sure I don't jump into a rebound relationship.

 

Overall I'm in a much better place then I was towards the end of the relationship but because of all of the other stressors in my life at the time, including external stressors like finals exams drowning me, knowing I had to find a place to live in before the lease ended, knowing I needed to find a job after that semester... I think my brain was simply overwhelmed and I couldn't see things logically for what they were.

 

That said I haven't posted anything on IG or FB and neither has she, and I don't want to post pics and stuff of me having fun because I don't want her to think that I'm just trying to get her attention or to show her that I'm having a blast without her. I also don't look for validation from others through my posts so I don't care if im not too active on social media, plus I'm super busy now. Does this make sense?

 

Ultimately I'm grateful for the relationship because it taught me more about myself than all of my relationships before combined, and it was also the first relationship that ended not because of some sort of malicious intent, not getting along, cheating, etc, but rather because the distance was too much for her to handle and I'm sure the career path I chose (med school) made her think of the time investment and long journey that lay ahead. I didn't want to subject her to a life of waiting for me and the relationship would've also put limits on what I could achieve. These things could have led to resentment if we continued together so I'm glad now that it ended sooner while we still loved each other then later when we might possibly hate each other.

 

All this said I'm still no contact and I'm perfectly fine with it. I find myself thinking much much much less about her and should she reach out for reconciliation I will turn it down, nicely and respectfully of course, because it's time I focus on myself from now on in order to achieve what I set out to achieve.