I cheated on my wife and she wants to know every detail

[ShatteredLady]

Many members are focusing on the number. When the shock & horror stage starts to calm the long term mistress would become the focus if I was your wife. It's very rare for a mistress to stick around that long without "I LOVE YOU's" & future promises.

 

Was she your 'just in case you can't give me kids' spare? Are you only there because she's pregnant? If these babies hadn't taken would you be leaving for your OW now? How often did you say "I love you" to your OW? Did you slander your wife to her? Have you sent a NC (no contact) to her? ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO YOUR OW??? THATS what you are going to be answering!!

[merrmeade]

I was in that EXACT SAME POSITION.

 

Wanting to know details down to the minutiae. And him saying "blAh blah blah no, you're just torturing yourself blah blah blah."

 

If he didn't want torturous details to infect my life, he would have cheated on me and it wasn't his business to tell me "what I did or did not need to know" or "what I could handle."

 

If a relative of mine had been murdered, I would want details. I would want to understand every last thing I could about the act and the scene because the unanswered portions would haunt me more and those questions would traumatically cycle through my mind UNTIL I DIED. The answers are often the end of the equation, the pain they brings May last years but not UNTIL I DIE.

 

My husband tried to bury his details and paternalistically "spare me the pain."

 

It DID NOT. So began an absolute trauma for EIGHT YEARS of him lying, procrastinating, minimizing, demeaning, acting like I was crazy for fixating on it and wanting to know. It was absolutely EIGHT YEARS of daily torture where o knew he was lying to me to cover his arse and the only other way out was divorce and tearing up my family.

 

DO NOT be that guy. You've ALREADY DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE. You don't get to tell her what she can and can't handle. It's you who can't handle her sobbing THAT YOU CAUSED. So steel yourself and do THR RIGHT THING and BE HONEST instead of trying to control her reaction to your betrayals.

 

After eight years, my husband FINALLY told me the full truth and that bubble of pain popped. It is the weirdest thing. It's like "it's finally over" I got the truth and NOW we can move on.

 

Btw, my husband was a serial cheater like yourself.

 

If you can't deliver the details blow-by-blow and watch her reaction then WRITE IT DOWN.

 

So she can TAKE THE TWO TO FIVE YEARS to process the grief over the marriage that she though she had with the husband she thought you were.

Really after eight years? Why then? How long ago?

[merrmeade]

OP, the IC is a must. My H, also a serial cheater was too threatened by it which says to me I am not important enough. He has said, "How do you know I haven't dealt with it?" (implying he has done so or he does not need it - who knows). I always answer, "By the very fact that you don't need for me to know." He doesn't get it but thinks that by never getting mad at me and by making sacrifices he is making it up to me. I'd rather know that he understands himself and what he did to me.

 

He also has the gall to say to me, "I don't ever think about it," as if that's an accomplishment and what I need to learn to do. But that does not include the lying and secrets. He doesn't know the damage that has done.

 

She needs to know that she is more important than protecting yourself and that you understand what you've done to her. But the real reason you have to give her whatever she needs is that it is the only way she will survive it. Whether she keeps you or not, you can at least know you did that.

Edited January 11, 2017 by merrmeade

[BetrayedH]

In the absence of interaction with her, focus on what actions you can take.

 

Take action on booking yourself for individual counseling.

Buy and read the books that have been suggested.

 

Start thinking about why you had these affairs. Sex is just a surface answer. You could have had more sex with your wife, left your wife to play single, respectfully requested an open marriage, suggested spicing things up, etc.. What was so important about having these affairs that you risked so much and engaged in so much subterfuge with the person you love the most? Do you have an excessive need for external validation? Are you severely conflict-avoidant? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? If any of those are true, where did that come from? If you can determine why this is your coping mechanism of choice, you might be able to avoid using that coping mechanism in the future. If you show this level of introspection, your wife might begin to gain some level of confidence that she won't suffer a repeat performance.

 

Imagine the children's game where they ask you "why?" And whenever they get an answer, they ask it again and keep doing so repeatedly. You need to be doing the same with yourself. The surface answer is that you wanted sex. Well, why did you want the sex so much that you risked a nuke on your marriage and family to get it? Then ask why again. And keep doing it until you and your wife are satisfied with the answer. Expect it to take years.

 

Make use of your time. Take initiative. Be proactive. And if she doesn't engage, don't force her to, because she wasn't the one that was broken and needed fixing. Marriage counseling can come later; it wasn't the marriage that was broken either. But it can be advisable so you each have a safe place to talk. People tend to be more controlled when around an objective third party that can provide guidance on how to fight fair.

 

Conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years. Strap in for the long haul. The nature of your affairs may tend to put you at the longer end of things. But in my experience it's the actions of the wayward that matter most. You need to demonstrate "consistent actions over time" to redevelop trust and intimacy. Good times will happen again. Enjoy them when they do. But also expect it to be a rollercoaster. Show her that you know that and are staying here regardless.

 

One thing that stressed me reading your update was your wife's tendency to assume to blame. Interject on that every single time and assure her that it wasn't her fault, that there's nothing she could have done, and that this was all about you. Follow it up with a commitment to do whatever is necessary for as long as it takes in order to make things as right as you can. Don't let her take the blame. And this is the one time you can be forceful about what you say. It will matter.

 

Good luck.

[wmacbride]

op,

I did want to commend you for being honest on here. I expect it can't be easy.

 

One thing I am really sensing in your posts is that you have zero understanding of what your wife is feeling. Just my opinion, but part of that seems to be because you are looking at the situation from two different mind sets. From your point of view, sex and love don't have to be connected, and it sounds like it's hard for you to understand why your wife is so hurt.

 

From her point of view, sex and love an inexorably joined. To her, having sex with other women may well have seemed like a sign that you don't love her that much at all.

 

I'm not sure how these two very different points of view can be reconciled, but hopefully, a counselor can provide insight into this.

 

I would also advise you to seek help, but not just to save your marriage. What is it in you that allowed to to risk something you say you value so much ( your wife, marriage and providing a two parent secure and happy home for your child to be) for some sex that was a very short term gratification?It wouldn't matter if it was sex, gambling, drinking, drugs, or anything else. What caused you to feel the risk to your family was worth it?

Do you need to ego boost, is it the thrill of finding and seducing a partner, are you punishing yourself in some way because, deep down, you feel like you don't deserved to have a loving wife, happy home, etc.? Only you know the answers, and if your wife is ever going to feel secure in the marriage, you will need to figure this out.

 

I hope you can, as beneath what you have done, you sound like a guy who is confused, scared and in need of help. I hope you find it.

[ShatteredLady]

Although I strongly agree with the above posts I don't think you can even think of saying "just sex" when you maintained a relationship with 1 mistress for nearly 2 YEARS! That's a relationship. Was that a relationship with feelings or a relationship of lies. It's one of the other!!

 

Can I check....do you work with any of these women? If you do look for another job!!

 

Stop ALL contact with ALL of them.

 

Throw away & delete ANYTHING that you have from the OW!

[ladydesigner]

OP, the IC is a must. My H, also a serial cheater was too threatened by it which says to me I am not important enough. He has said, "How do you know I haven't dealt with it?" (implying he has done so or he does not need it - who knows). I always answer, "By the very fact that you don't need for me to know." He doesn't get it but thinks that by never getting mad at me and by making sacrifices he is making it up to me. I'd rather know that he understands himself and what he did to me.

 

He also has the gall to say to me, "I don't ever think about it," as if that's an accomplishment and what I need to learn to do. But that does not include the lying and secrets. He doesn't know the damage that has done.

 

She needs to know that she is more important than protecting yourself and that you understand what you've done to her. But the real reason you have to give her whatever she needs is that it is the only way she will survive it. Whether she keeps you or not, you can at least know you did that.

 

Yeah what the hell is this exactly from WS's this one really gets my anger going!

[dreamingoftigers]

Really after eight years? Why then? How long ago?

 

LOL, a few months ago about the infidelity eight years ago.

 

And why? Because he committed to go to therapy and disclose. So I told him he tells me the truth now or I file and if he gives me the truth later (post-polygraph) I file. And I'm done listening to the stupid excuses (including "we haven't got enough money for that, I'm so damn trustworthy I never never never, honest.") Ya right. I did this dance for long enough and got the funds together for three of them of he so needs.

 

He's been going to his therapist for a year and was preparing for it. But I got sick of the anxiety and the BS. So, he spilled.

 

The cheating is long over (or if he fails a poly, I file. Whatever, I'll be happy either way (yay personal growth)) but the lying about it wasn't and I effing knew it. Because he spent so much time being a lying liar that lies.

[Fugu]

When she won't talk to me and won't let me near her, I don't know where to go from here. How long am I supposed to let this go on before it's deemed unhealthy?

 

There's probably not a timeline for something like this.

 

I think that you shouldn't expect anything until you've absolutely told her everything that she wants to know. But even then, it will probably take her a lot of time (months, years) to process it all. It could be months before she's out of the shock stage -- and that's just the beginning of the process.

 

Once she's moved past the initial trauma of understanding the magnitude of what has happened, she will probably assess your own ability to explain your own behavior and get your take on why it all happened in the first place. This stage will also probably be difficult and contentious.

 

At that point, if she hasn't divorced you by then out of sheer outrage and disgust, she will probably continue to debate for years whether the relationship is worth saving and investing in.

 

At some point, a person who's cheated on has to ask themselves, what would happen if it were to happen yet again? What's the likelihood of this repeating itself? And there's also knowing that the relationship will never, ever be the same. You will always be somehow different and lesser than you were before. Can she live with you knowing that? And can you live in a relationship being judged and viewed with suspicion?

[aileD]

Another member here went to a marriage intensive weekend and shared some stuff with us about it. One thing they had the men do was to make a list of all the things that your affair cost your wife. Really take the time to put yourself in her head and see how see she's it.

 

For example- your actions cost her her best friend, it cost her self esteem, it cost her security etc.

 

Maybe you need something like that to wake you up to what your actions have really done to your wife