bedroomblues Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 I've been dating my new boyfriend for a couple of months and last weekend we spent our first night together. The sex would have been really great if it weren't for the fact that he never got fully erect. It was sort of a half-erection, so it really didn't work. At least he was willing to bring me to orgasm by other means. We had been drinking a bit, so I thought maybe that was the problem, but then it happened again in the morning. He says I'm sexy and beautiful and he hasn't taken a powder yet, so I know he's very interested, but a healthy sex life is important to me. We're both in our 30s, and we have so much in common and I'd like to stay with him. But I'm struggling with how to tactfully bring this up with him if it should happen the next go around. This has never happened to me with any previous relationships, so I'm not sure how to bring it up or what exactly to say so that I don't hurt his feelings or his ego. I'm just wondering what could be causing it. I know he has type one diabetes, and I've heard that can cause impotence, but you would think if that were the cause that he'd already be on a viagra type of drug. So any suggestions about why this could be happening, or how to bring it up?
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Give him another spin. Maybe he was too nervous.
Moai Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 It is probably just the diabetes and liquor, and if he hasn't dated in a while he hasn't needed to go to the doctor for Viagra or whatever, so he doesn't have any. Also, he could pleasure himself a lot and is used to that feeling, so with a woman he needs to readjust. No big deal, it just takes a little time. Make sure that you are supportive of him, though! Don't freak out, ask him too many questions about it, or get upset with him, or be patronizing. It isn't that he doesn't find you attractive, so don't take it personally. Trust me, a few ill-advised words from you could ruin his sex life FOREVER. It happened to me, so I know from wence I speak. It is so horrible words can't describe it. Since he is into pleasuring you, let him do that and do what you can for him, and let him know that you are ready when he is.
Icarus Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Give the poor guy a chance. It could be a number of things. Alcohol can have that effect. Not familiar with problems associated w/ diabetes, but possible. Above all else ... nervousness and pressure to perform the first time. Especially if he really IS into you and doesn't want to disappoint. I've experienced it myself! A little patience on my partner's behalf and before long I was the blushing recipient of some flattering praise. Practice makes perfect. Don't bring it up ... yet ... and don't write the guy off because of one less-than-blissful night in the sack for crying out loud!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Hmmm, so what you guys are saying is that the more a guy is attracted to a women the more likely he is to have "performance issues"? Maybe it's not nerves....Could it be that he's just not that attracted to her?
Moai Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken Hmmm, so what you guys are saying is that the more a guy is attracted to a women the more likely he is to have "performance issues"? Maybe it's not nerves....Could it be that he's just not that attracted to her? No and no. It is difficult to pinpoint the reason. Sometimes you can be totally into and it just isn't going to work for some reason. Other times you can be in line at McDonald's and it's all going on and you can't stop it and you aren't even thinking about sex. This is of course assuming that he is physically healthy and that isn't what's behind it. Men get erections for no reason sometimes, throughout the day. And with direct stimulation, no matter what the woman looks like or who she is, it'll work. Physically, anyway. It seems that it is important for women to think that a man's response is tied to his feelings for her or her looks or whatever, but in actuality it isn't. Sure, if he thinks you're pretty that's a lot of it, but you could be anybody reasonably pretty and get the same response. Or even be just a picture. That said, if he had a bad day, can't get a disturbing visual out of his head, is worried about the game Sunday or virtually anything else it'll never work no matter what. Unless he's alone, and then it'll always work. Acheiving an erection is a lot harder (no pun intended) than you think! Especially as you get older.... Every man has "performance issues" at some point in his life, whether just once or for a while, or every once in a while, or whatever. The key is to not make it out to be more than it is, as then it gets serious and there is no way out, save for intensive therapy, which lots of men won't do. They just give up on relationships because they don't want to deal with it or they are embarassed. All it takes is once and you don't ever want it to happen again. It sucks. I don't think I'll ever recover, really. Please be careful so it doesn't happen to him! Studies have shown that the higher a man's intelligence, the greater his chances for performance issues.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by Moai Studies have shown that the higher a man's intelligence, the greater his chances for performance issues. I wonder why that is?
Moai Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Intelligent men tend to "think too much" when in the bedroom, and then concentration goes and it's not happening.
Neptune Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Don`t mention it or make it an issue at all at the moment. No doubt, he is a little uncomfortable at his performance or shall we say, lack of it. Another thing is that being "in the saddle" again may remind him of the past relationship he was in and the last time he was "doing it". So, he has to readjust to someone new.
spicychicken Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 What about when he doesn't orgasm? Is that normal for a man not to each time? My bf has no trouble getting an erection, but sometimes, doesn't orgasm. Usually he does the first time but anytime after that he has trouble. He always makes sure I am pleasured first though...Is that normal?
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by spicychicken What about when he doesn't orgasm? Is that normal for a man not to each time? My bf has no trouble getting an erection, but sometimes, doesn't orgasm. Usually he does the first time but anytime after that he has trouble. He always makes sure I am pleasured first though...Is that normal? Most guys aren't multi-orgasmic. There needs to be a period of re-charging before it can happen again. He sounds pretty normal.
Moai Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by spicychicken What about when he doesn't orgasm? Is that normal for a man not to each time? My bf has no trouble getting an erection, but sometimes, doesn't orgasm. Usually he does the first time but anytime after that he has trouble. He always makes sure I am pleasured first though...Is that normal? Totally normal. Sometimes, no matter how into it you are, you just can't "get there". Sometimes it happens often. It has nothing to do with how he feels or how hot he is or anything. I fhe can get an erection a second time but takes forever, let him go until you get sore! (sorry to be so graphic, but...)
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by Moai If he can get an erection a second time but takes forever, let him go until you get sore! (sorry to be so graphic, but...) That's what hands are for! Geeesh!
Blackfrost Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 WOW you need to lighten up. So he couldn't get an erection the first time: BFD. It happens from time to time with guys, and may happen to him the next time as well, because now he'll be twice as worried. It will work when it's ready. We have little control over it in new situations - if it wants to hide, it hides. As for orgasming.....It's pretty well possible that he wasn't getting enough friction to get him to the end. Or maybe he just didn't feel like having one. We're not farm animals (though I do question some of the meatheads I share this earth with). Just because you pull on the udder of a cow, and milk comes out - doesn't mean it's works the exact same way with us. I've noticed over the years, that depending on where my wife is in her cycle is - can directly effect the amount of wetness and tightness of that area. If it's too wet, and it's not tight - it ain't gonna happen for us in that particular region
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I'm fairly certain that it means "to leave".
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