Looking for OW's response

[Midwestmissy]

If divorce is not an option, then I think you need to give your wife the same options you're giving yourself. How would you feel about her pining for someone else? Pretty sure divorce would be an option then. I'm not trying to be a snot, but step back from your situation and consider the woman you made promises to.

[cloche]

Maybe waiting for the kids to go to college, get married , have grandkids?

 

With all due respect, his reasons for not divorcing are immaterial in answering OPs original question because OW surely knows them by now and either:

 

A) accepts that he *cannot* make himself available for her; she knows he loves her, but also knows that the relationship can't go anywhere, and is now acting in the most loving way she can - she's walking away.

 

or

 

2) considers his reasons bogus; she's finally worked out that he's a cake eater and will always choose his marriage over her; telling her that he loves her now is nothing short of a *lie*, risks drawing her back in yet again, and can only further her suffering.

 

OP, if you truly love this woman but will not make yourself available for her any time soon - no matter what your reasons - respect her wishes and leave her alone. She already has all of the information she needed to arrive at the right path for her. She's hurting plenty as it is; don't make it any harder.

Edited January 4, 2017 by cloche

[Backornot]

With all due respect, his reasons for not divorcing are immaterial in answering OPs original question because OW surely knows them by now and either:

 

A) accepts that he *cannot* make himself available for her; she knows he loves her, but also knows that the relationship can't go anywhere, and is now acting in the most loving way she can - she's walking away.

 

or

 

2) considers his reasons bogus; she's finally worked out that he's a cake eater and will always choose his marriage over her; telling her that he loves her now is nothing short of a *lie*, risks drawing her back in yet again, and can only further her suffering.

 

OP, if you truly love this woman but will not make yourself available for her any time soon - no matter what your reasons - respect her wishes and leave her alone. She already has all of the information she needed to arrive at the right path for her. She's hurting plenty as it is; don't make it any harder.

 

Best answer yet. Thanks.

[elaine567]

Spend some time on the OW forum and read some of the posts from women whose MM will not leave their wives, leaving them in limbo. They try to get free by initiating NC, but he keeps contacting her and she is weak, so gives in for a while until the pain is too much and she tries to cut him off again and the cycle continues. It is sheer hell for them.

YOU have nothing to offer this woman, respect her wishes and stay away.

[Poppy47]

I would be most upset if xMM contacted me after 9 months of NC.

 

He is a cake eater, and I told him I wouldn't be in an A anymore.

 

At least he has had the common sense to leave me alone.

 

He knows he has nothing more to offer me than a lot of pain, so I appreciate his silence.

 

I think in your case, the woman means it also. Do her a big favour and make yourself disappear.

 

POppy.

[Lady2163]

I was single with MM. So I don't have a spouse to consider.

 

I hate to say it, but if I loved him, if he loved me, I'd want that last note.

 

Life is just too short not to let someone know you will always care for them.

 

BUT,

You need to let her go after this. The push pull and cold treatment is bad.

And you need to consider the worst case scenario. If her husband sees it or she turns it over to him, will your wife see it as well?

[imsosad]

Do you have anything new to say? Anything she doesn't know? Something you've never said before?

Going No Contact is really hard. You are trying to remove yourself from a painful situation, and the price is disengaging from a person you love and feel attached to. It is very hard to stay strong and firm, because while your brain knows it's the right thing to do, you heart is not having it and desperately wants to rewind. You go NC when you realize that an affair will never be enough for you and will always be the only thing this man can give you.

Leave her alone. Unless you are willing to take meaningful measures to be with her-and you are not- what is it you want from her? Except upsetting her and perhaps dragging the affair on for a bit more (which is what I think you're after), you have nothing to give her.

I went and stayed NC for a year, during which he tried to contact me several times. I was still in love with him and really wanted peace and quiet to work things out with my xhusband, so by the third time he broke NC, I was just about ready to call his wife. In our case we ended up leaving our marriages and are now together, but if he hadnt left and carried on breaking NC, I would have flipped on him. Her H already knows, so you might also want to think about that.

Do you really love her so much or is it your ego? Do you need to hear she's missing you and longing for you? I just don't get what you need from her at this point.

[DKT3]

Backornot, my MM and I broke up many many times. Each time all it took was a text/email/call/look and I was right back in it.

 

This last time, I told him that I loved him but I was suffering. I was clear that I needed us to end it before I started to hate him. He accepted my wishes.

 

I truly believe he loved me, and still loves me. But like you "can't" get divorced.

 

As much as I hate NC. I appreciate him respecting it. He knows I can't block him from my work emails. He knows my office number and the cell numbers of everyone I work with. He could reach out to me any time he wants. But he doesn't. Because he cares about me enough to respect my wishes.

 

If you contact her you will cause her pain. If you love her you shouldn't want to do that.

 

But, from what I read, you want to contact her so you can stay near enough so that when she weakens you can restart the A.

 

So, to me that says you don't love her, it says you want to continue your A.

 

I personally believe that affairs are selfish acts conducted by selfish people for reasons that don't include legitimate relationship love, rather a very conditional selfish self serving desire for validation, ego stroking and dysfunction, chaos if you will.

 

What I see with this affair is a woman looking for contol, she wants the contact, she wants to know that he still wants her, she wants to know that he is still an option if her marriage fails. I believe Everytime he contacts her she enjoys it, it makes her feel good. Yet it makes him endure more pain and rejection.

 

Trust me OP, if given enough time, she will contact you. She will be angry as a bull with his sack crushed, but she will contact you...Don't believe, stop contacting and see.

[freengreen]

I personally believe that affairs are selfish acts conducted by selfish people for reasons that don't include legitimate relationship love, rather a very conditional selfish self serving desire for validation, ego stroking and dysfunction, chaos if you will.

 

What I see with this affair is a woman looking for contol, she wants the contact, she wants to know that he still wants her, she wants to know that he is still an option if her marriage fails. I believe Everytime he contacts her she enjoys it, it makes her feel good. Yet it makes him endure more pain and rejection.

 

Trust me OP, if given enough time, she will contact you. She will be angry as a bull with his sack crushed, but she will contact you...Don't believe, stop contacting and see.

This might be true. If it is then she is playing you and trust me these games they drain you out in every way. You sit at one place and get tired at the end of the day. Uncool. Dont play. Your best bet is to get away for your own sanity.

[Whoknew30]

I personally believe that affairs are selfish acts conducted by selfish people for reasons that don't include legitimate relationship love, rather a very conditional selfish self serving desire for validation, ego stroking and dysfunction, chaos if you will.

 

What I see with this affair is a woman looking for contol, she wants the contact, she wants to know that he still wants her, she wants to know that he is still an option if her marriage fails. I believe Everytime he contacts her she enjoys it, it makes her feel good. Yet it makes him endure more pain and rejection.

 

Trust me OP, if given enough time, she will contact you. She will be angry as a bull with his sack crushed, but she will contact you...Don't believe, stop contacting and see.

 

It's an selfish act but I don't believe that every A is a game or control. Unless one had actually been in an A, one can't really understand it.

 

OP...I felt this way after my A...I needed him to leave me alone bc he was a weakness bc I did love him. I saw him for the first time after 7/8 years, last year. My marriage is good & my H & I reconciled but when I saw him, the feelings all came back, I realized they never really went away. I had blocked him from all forms of communication bc I did want to save my marriage but also bc I loved him enough to where I really wanted him to move on & be happy & when he told me he was married with kids, I was truly happy for him...that's how I know I really did care for him.

 

If you can't step away, then you really don't care for her...only yourself. There's no angle or alternative motive when someone is asked to be left alone. She's admitting your her weakness, respect what she's saying.

[DKT3]

It's an selfish act but I don't believe that every A is a game or control. Unless one had actually been in an A, one can't really understand it.

 

OP...I felt this way after my A...I needed him to leave me alone bc he was a weakness bc I did love him. I saw him for the first time after 7/8 years, last year. My marriage is good & my H & I reconciled but when I saw him, the feelings all came back, I realized they never really went away. I had blocked him from all forms of communication bc I did want to save my marriage but also bc I loved him enough to where I really wanted him to move on & be happy & when he told me he was married with kids, I was truly happy for him...that's how I know I really did care for him.

 

If you can't step away, then you really don't care for her...only yourself. There's no angle or alternative motive when someone is asked to be left alone. She's admitting your her weakness, respect what she's saying.

Oh yeah,they are games, everything about them. From the I never meant for this to happen right to the it has to end.

 

Didn't say they were all about control, but with this MW it is, she has as much as told him she wants him to chase her, but then rejects him when he does.

[Whoknew30]

Oh yeah,they are games, everything about them. From the I never meant for this to happen right to the it has to end.

 

Didn't say they were all about control, but with this MW it is, she has as much as told him she wants him to chase her, but then rejects him when he does.

 

It's not a game...it's guilt & sadness. She wants to be with, loves him but it's torture bc she can't be with him.

 

One can read about any subject & even know someone that he been through it but it doesn't give the full effect, unless one has personally experienced any situation, one can't really know "how it is". All A are not all games...some are, but some really do have emotional ties.

[DKT3]

It's not a game...it's guilt & sadness. She wants to be with, loves him but it's torture bc she can't be with him.

 

One can read about any subject & even know someone that he been through it but it doesn't give the full effect, unless one has personally experienced any situation, one can't really know "how it is". All A are not all games...some are, but some really do have emotional ties.

 

Not really, they are adults, and adults have to make tough decisions all the time. She is selfish enough to have the affair but not selfish enough to leave and be with him? Nah, it's a game. A game in which she will push as far as she can but not lose what she has IE her husband a d lifestyle that comes with it.

 

It's a game because it's two stories with two different people. With the AP is oh I love you I've never loved anyone this way but with husband it's oh your the one I want I love you so much I will never speak to him again.

 

Bottom line is if she wanted to be with OP she would be, if she didn't want contact with him there wouldn't be contact with him. She wants to play games so she is. Don't contact me, if you loved me you wouldn't, then he calls, hello....

 

OP you can continue to pursue this woman and be rejected, maybe once in a while she will break down and sleep with you...But you will remain stuck in this place with these same feelings and questions, or you can stop and move forward with your life. Life is never really that complicated, only filled with decisions you don't really want to make.

[eye of the storm]

DKT3, in case you are referring to me, I'm a SOW. I am not playing any games with my MM and the only control I had was to walk away. I told my MM that I needed him to stay away because I know how weak I am in regards to him.

 

Every day I remind myself that getting out of the A was best for me. And every day I am glad my MM stays away. Because if he reaches out, I cannot say with 100% certainty that I would refuse him. I will try, I would hope I would, but part of me isn't sure. My MM is fully aware of this too. So for now, I am relying on his strength to maintain NC. Hopefully one day, I won't care and will be past this.

 

I got the impression that the OP's MOW might feel the same. She has requested he stay away. He should respect that.

[FoundMyStrength]

I don't think it does Backornot any good to pretend that he's some hapless man who's being used, abused, and manipulated by a MOW. He's not a single OM. He himself is married and has continued to indulge in an affair, and it's just as plausible that the MOW is as confused, hurt, and in pain as he is. Some people push forward and contact when in pain, some people pull back and lick their wounds. Although there are probably some pieces of work out there, in general, affairs are hell on everyone.

[Whoknew30]

Not really, they are adults, and adults have to make tough decisions all the time. She is selfish enough to have the affair but not selfish enough to leave and be with him? Nah, it's a game. A game in which she will push as far as she can but not lose what she has IE her husband a d lifestyle that comes with it.

 

It's a game because it's two stories with two different people. With the AP is oh I love you I've never loved anyone this way but with husband it's oh your the one I want I love you so much I will never speak to him again.

 

Bottom line is if she wanted to be with OP she would be, if she didn't want contact with him there wouldn't be contact with him. She wants to play games so she is. Don't contact me, if you loved me you wouldn't, then he calls, hello....

 

OP you can continue to pursue this woman and be rejected, maybe once in a while she will break down and sleep with you...But you will remain stuck in this place with these same feelings and questions, or you can stop and move forward with your life. Life is never really that complicated, only filled with decisions you don't really want to make.

 

 

It's not as easy as "if an AP wants to be with their AP, they would be" or the "if a WS was so miserable they would have already divorced regardless of an A or not"...when people have kids & finances together, over years. Love doesn't pay the bills & how "some" BS behave when it comes to the kids & or culture & religion purposes...there's no black or white. If anyone knew all the "right" answers, no one would deal with A at all.

 

Though I do agree with your advice "to move forward"...everything else is coming from a BS stand point, not someone that actually had had an A.

[DKT3]

It's not as easy as "if an AP wants to be with their AP, they would be" or the "if a WS was so miserable they would have already divorced regardless of an A or not"...when people have kids & finances together, over years. Love doesn't pay the bills & how "some" BS behave when it comes to the kids & or culture & religion purposes...there's no black or white. If anyone knew all the "right" answers, no one would deal with A at all.

 

Though I do agree with your advice "to move forward"...everything else is coming from a BS stand point, not someone that actually had had an A.

 

Listen, if I can walk away from my marriage where my wife and I grew up together, graduated from high school and college together, first place together. Every single milestone, every single important event was together you could have and so can OP. The thing is you didn't want to, so everything else is just an excuse.

 

Oh and I didn't even have some amazing love of my life type person waiting for me to do so.

[freengreen]

The thing is that we dont know what OPs AP is upto. It might be that she is hurt and crying herself to sleep after asking him not to contact ( like I did) or may be she is playing push pull ( women do that too).

 

There is always one person in a relationship who invests more and they are the ones who come out broken. The irony here is that we know who is who at the end of it. The damage will be done before the epiphany.

 

OP, whether she will come back or not, we dont know. This is as close as you can get to a closure. Treat that the shelf life of your affair is done. If she is pain, close the shop and give her the rest of her life to work through it. If she is playing games, again close the shop and save yourself.

 

Both ways, treat it as an end.

[Whoknew30]

Listen, if I can walk away from my marriage where my wife and I grew up together, graduated from high school and college together, first place together. Every single milestone, every single important event was together you could have and so can OP. The thing is you didn't want to, so everything else is just an excuse.

 

Oh and I didn't even have some amazing love of my life type person waiting for me to do so.

 

I have been with my H for as long as you have been with your wife & I couldn't just "divorce" my H. I had an exit A, so he'd leave me. That's why I confessed, I thought he'd leave bc of the backlash I would have received if I had. So I created a reason, so he'd leave me. The only reason I worked it out was bc for the first time he said things would change.

 

In my family there has never been a divorce, ever, & I have at least 40 first cousins (my family is huge!)...so just bc you left, doesn't mean every body thinks or is in your situation...everyone situation is different & actually I'm a little surprised that a BS that has been with their spouse as long as you would understand one doesn't know everything...bc wouldn't you have sworn before your wife's A, that she wouldn't have cheated? My H would have bc he was the first man I had been with...if one didn't know their own spouse, how can one be so sure about other's reasoning for an A or divorce or not to divorce.

[Whoknew30]

The thing is that we dont know what OPs AP is upto. It might be that she is hurt and crying herself to sleep after asking him not to contact ( like I did) or may be she is playing push pull ( women do that too).

 

There is always one person in a relationship who invests more and they are the ones who come out broken. The irony here is that we know who is who at the end of it. The damage will be done before the epiphany.

 

OP, whether she will come back or not, we dont know. This is as close as you can get to a closure. Treat that the shelf life of your affair is done. If she is pain, close the shop and give her the rest of her life to work through it. If she is playing games, again close the shop and save yourself.

 

Both ways, treat it as an end.

 

This is exactly right

[DKT3]

I have been with my H for as long as you have been with your wife & I couldn't just "divorce" my H. I had an exit A, so he'd leave me. That's why I confessed, I thought he'd leave bc of the backlash I would have received if I had. So I created a reason, so he'd leave me. The only reason I worked it out was bc for the first time he said things would change.

 

In my family there has never been a divorce, ever, & I have at least 40 first cousins (my family is huge!)...so just bc you left, doesn't mean every body thinks or is in your situation...everyone situation is different & actually I'm a little surprised that a BS that has been with their spouse as long as you would understand one doesn't know everything...bc wouldn't you have sworn before your wife's A, that she wouldn't have cheated? My H would have bc he was the first man I had been with...if one didn't know their own spouse, how can one be so sure about other's reasoning for an A or divorce or not to divorce.

 

I'm not going to thread jack debating with you yet again, but short answer, along the way here I discussed knowing my wife was more likely to have an affair....Her mindset, her sexual inexperience, her entitled attitude coupled with my educational background and training. Because of this we actually discussed and open relationship, it's all here in my writing.

 

My question is this, how can you say the things you say while not being open and honest with your husband about MM contacting you with your kids there and how you still carry all this love for him....

[DKT3]

The thing is that we dont know what OPs AP is upto. It might be that she is hurt and crying herself to sleep after asking him not to contact ( like I did) or may be she is playing push pull ( women do that too).

 

There is always one person in a relationship who invests more and they are the ones who come out broken. The irony here is that we know who is who at the end of it. The damage will be done before the epiphany.

 

OP, whether she will come back or not, we dont know. This is as close as you can get to a closure. Treat that the shelf life of your affair is done. If she is pain, close the shop and give her the rest of her life to work through it. If she is playing games, again close the shop and save yourself.

 

Both ways, treat it as an end.

this broad is full of MOW/ow how many has never contacted the MM/OM? This isn't a woman in love, this isn't a woman sitting around crying, I believe it's more likely she has other OM.

[jenkins95]

Hi backornot, I know you wanted responses from DOWs, so I hope you don't mind an xMM chipping in.

 

Having read the whole thread, I believe that it is now time to say goodbye, however heartbreaking and daunting this may seem. She has directly and unequivocally asked for this, and I would do what she says.

 

There are two things I think you should do next. Firstly send her the final message that you suggested, this may help put both your minds at rest and aid in eventually finding closure......then enter total and permanent NC. Secondly, work like crazy on your marriage and see if you can discover how to get previously unmet needs met. When you have an affair it's easy to give up on seeking full satisfaction in the marriage. But put the work in and who knows what you may be able to achieve.

 

Good luck

[Whoknew30]

I'm not going to thread jack debating with you yet again, but short answer, along the way here I discussed knowing my wife was more likely to have an affair....Her mindset, her sexual inexperience, her entitled attitude coupled with my educational background and training. Because of this we actually discussed and open relationship, it's all here in my writing.

 

My question is this, how can you say the things you say while not being open and honest with your husband about MM contacting you with your kids there and how you still carry all this love for him....

 

I tried, my H stopped me & asked me, did I take care of it myself & I said yes & he said he didn't need to hear anymore bc he trust me now & doesn't want OM to have any lasting affect not only on our marriage but on him personally. My H ended up seeing for the first time too & OM left where they were...h came home laughing.

 

Also, it's not a debate...I'm just saying one person can't possibly know other people's truth better than they do. Only god knows that.

[Simple Logic]

I don't want to say why, but my getting divorced is not possible.

 

I am sure a divorce is quite possible, but it would require you to realize some type of loss or discomfort. Under the current circumstances, 3 other people are more on the short end than you and you are happy with that situation.