Why do women go out with jerks?

[elaine567]

She looked right at me and I'm thinking what did I do to this woman? not anything that I know of and that was before I didn't leave her a tip. It actually hurt my feelings a little bit, I'm not going to lie.

 

I am sure it did hurt especially if you liked the girl, but did she actually see you would be my concern, if she looked at you then why didn't you say Hi.

Some girls like to leave it to the man to take the lead and if she is a shy girl then maybe she didn't feel confident enough to say Hi to you.

It is 10 years after all. Girls tend to stay roughly the same, some young guys can look entirely different as they turn into men.

 

Don't do that again if you see a girl you know, all you have to do is say Hi and be friendly.

[bradt93]

Bottom line is my communication skills are just awful.

[preraph]

I'm going to try to meet people at college this semester, I don't know how though, because I won't be living on campus, I'll only be a commuter.

 

Would be a lot easier if you lived on campus. But what you should do it see if you can use the cafeterias for a fee and also go to the student union or student center, whatever they call it there, where there will probably be activities posted around, and keep up with things at the campus through Facebook and attend activities. Join clubs associated with your courses if there are any and that will put you in repeated contact with other club members to get to know them. Go to after school clubs and bars and gigs. Go play pool and things like that near campus. Take advantage of the campus to meet people. Take classes with labs and take physical ed courses so you are interacting with a class. Coed if possible. But remember the more male friends you make, the more female friend you will end up meeting through your male network of friends. So making friends and getting a circle of friends is the number one thing that will benefit you.

[CaliforniaGirl]

So you stiffed her on a tip, not because of anything related to her job performance, but because she failed to do something you also didn't do. And she had the reasonable excuse that she was on the clock performing a job that can be incredibly hectic and demanding. I won't even get into how servers rely almost entirely on tips to generate their income.

 

I get that your issues may impede social awareness issues that are more clear to others, but just know that the above behavior on your part was, ironically enough, pretty douchey.

 

Exactly. Brad, you refused to pay a woman for doing her job, and others for doing their job (since tips are often shared for a shift and split) because she did not read your mind and actively make advances toward you...but OTHER people are jerks?

 

Do you see how anyone could construe anyone else's actions as jerkish and therefore, your assessments of "women dating jerks" could be 100% off? You don't think stiffing someone on being able to pay her bills because she didn't offer herself to you in some romantic/sexual way (or lead up to it) is probably THE ultimate in "jerkiness"? Yet you believe you had a reason. Right? Why then are your reasons for acting against decent morality and kindness valid, but the next person's aren't? Do you see that it is literally impossible for any man or woman to date a person who could never be called "a jerk" unless that person is dating either Ghandi or Jesus Christ? And even they could have been called jerks once or twice based on their actions (and inaction).

 

So DROP the attitude that's making you dislike women even more, it's not helping.

 

My recommendation, again, would be to see a professional about this. Leaving aside the AS DX as you have not confirmed that you actually have one and we have been asked not to assess fellow forum participants (which makes sense), have you considered seeing a therapist about all this for guidance, tips and so on?

[dumbass2]

Bottom line is my communication skills are just awful.

 

You do have self awareness! Yes, your social skills are lacking. I'm sure you did nothing wrong to her, other than not tipping at the end. First off, stop trying to judge people you don't know and make assumptions about them. This may sound weird to ask, but do you like yourself? It sounds like you already know that women won't like you.

[bradt93]

You do have self awareness! Yes, your social skills are lacking. I'm sure you did nothing wrong to her, other than not tipping at the end. First off, stop trying to judge people you don't know and make assumptions about them. This may sound weird to ask, but do you like yourself? It sounds like you already know that women won't like you.

Sometimes I don't like myself.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I was pondering this as of late.

 

I don't know, maybe some women like jerks? Maybe cuz of daddy issues?

 

I mean I hate Ben Afleck, but months ago I had this wet dream where I was giving him oral like seriously, excellent and efficient oral. Then, I hate Ryan Gosling. He's a smug jerk and gosh, every time I see him on TV, there's a wet dream. Last he was on SNL, I couldn't stop laughing and I hate him!!!

 

And, now I'm sacred that I still am thinking about recent dude - despite him being a jerk to me. My friends are upset cuz when I talk about him, they say that my tone shows that I still have feelings for him and that now he's been a jerk, I like him more.

 

I don't know. I don't think I'm a jerk magnet cuz guys before current dude, I tried considering going back to previous dude and nah, wasn't feeling it.

 

So, I don't think it's that the guy is a jerk per se or a "bad boy". I think that for that woman there's "something" about that guy that makes him have a hold on her...Current dude? I wasn't on the hunt, I just saw him one day and was like "I have to talk to him". He just came off as arrogant and serious and it's not just that - the way he dresses, stands, speaks - commands you to notice him. But, after talking to him, I was surprised to see he's sweet too - which kinda chilled my spidey senses about him seeming arrogant and standoffish. But then again, in our AO, I can see where/how he would be standoffish to the people around us cuz I am too. Arrgh, and sometimes I daydream like with Afleck, I'm giving him oral as he smokes a cigarette .

 

I don't know, there's just something about him that makes me want to do whatever he wants. I'm so weak when it comes to him. He just smiles and I melt. I have to stay strong cuz I think he knows that he has me at his whim.

 

My six year guy was tall and handsome too, so was Belgian guy. O gosh, FWB was tall and handsome too I believe my "type" is tall, arrogant, handsome, and a jerk.

 

IMO, since all of these men are physically attractive and you feel a sexual pull, it's not BECAUSE they're jerks. They could "be like" anything. Jerky, nice, whatever. You are sexually attracted to the physical.

 

Just like the OP is physically attracted to Brooke even though they have nothing in common and he would not want to do any of the activities she likes to do. If Brooke were a "jerk" we wouldn't say "therefore, OP likes jerk women," we'd say "duh, he shallowly is sexually attracted to someone based on looks, just like a lot of people are."

[CaliforniaGirl]

Sometimes I don't like myself.

 

Brad, we all don't like ourselves at times. That's when we take inventory and make changes to ourselves.

 

NOBODY is perfect. So why should you be? You see things you need to change. So change them.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Brad, you keep saying she looked at you but didn't say anything. She may have had a feeling you looked familiar but didn't want to embarrass herself with "Do I know you?" - particularly during a busy shift.

 

But it could be she doesn't fully remember you. Or maybe not at all.

 

When I was in 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy, but he picked on me for having big boobs, and I was horrified and got over the crush. By the time we got to high school later that year I was over it. I saw him here and there throughout high school. We lived in the same town. We had a couple of classes together, IIRC. So I even knew him at, technically, the "adult" stage - about age 18.

 

I saw him just a couple of years later around town. I did not recognize him AT ALL. I mean there wasn't even a vague stirring. I was walking past him. He stopped me. He had grown taller, filled out, his face looked totally different because of that, and his hair was styled totally differently. Even his voice sounded different. I had only seen him a couple years earlier but I never in a million years would have recognized him. He recognized me but through high school I already was doing my hair, makeup (not crazy, but a bit), was "filled out" (womanly) and so on.

 

It is 100% possible she had no idea who you were...OR perhaps you looked forbidding somehow/not approachable so she backed off.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP My little sister is a rare female who was diagnosed autistic. (Girls are less often diagnosed with autism but many researchers think that comes from gender bias... the same behavior gets a different label in women.)

 

The way it is talked about on the net since all the burden of approaching is on the guy it should be easier for her to find a man and keep him or just get sex.

 

WRONG.

 

My sister was single and a virgin until at least 25. She's dated a total of two men in her life. I have known other women who had issues like my sister. People she went to school with.

 

Dating is hard even if you are not autistic. Dating is hard if you are average in every way. Dating is hard because it involves two people establishing a meta stable equilibrium... like a bowling pin standing up. Bowling pins laying down can stay that way forever...so too can a person be single.

 

 

AS FOR THE TITLE QUESTION.

 

Women who date jerks. There are a few reasons.

 

1.) When people start to date the NEW person always seems to be IMPROVED. The very fact they are new means there are all these wonderful possibilities.

 

2.) Initial infatuation sometimes called Limerence (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201209/limerence-in-love-obsessed-or-both ) It is a sort of false love. It is more than just being horny it is an all around idealization of the other person to where they really are blind to their faults.

 

3.) Low self esteem. They don't think they deserve better than being treated badly and fear being alone.

 

4.) Serial relationships. They chase that limerence feeling from relationship to relationship. They don't want comfortable safe long term realistic love. Real love is to know a persons ugly side and faults and to love them as much for their faults. That is very rare in this life.

 

 

TLDR: The women you see willing to date the more normal guy are just reacting to chemicals in their brain (as men do too). They are tripping. Odds are they are not in real love. The downside is when you are in the relationship you will not know if it is real love until some years pass and you go through some hardship.

Edited January 6, 2017 by Mrlonelyone

[bradt93]

I know people on here say that I have probably ruined any chance with Brooke by not tipping her. I still really like her though.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I know people on here say that I have probably ruined any chance with Brooke by not tipping her. I still really like her though.

 

What is it that you like about her? Especially since you haven't spoken to her since middle school, what do you like about her now?

[Sweetfish]

Men get this jerk thing confused all the time..

 

Women like to acquire jerks because to a women it feels that they acquire someone who is incapable of loving one individual. IE: The jerk may be a jerk to you, but not to his GF.

 

Their is a story of a lady who saves cats and puts them up in her home. Most the cats are affectionate and come to her when she provides food. One cat though does not show her affection and scratches her and bites her. The black cat finally after months was able to come close to the cat lady. Ironically, this is the cat she dears the most... because the love of the cat was the hardest to acquire.

 

Being a nice guy just means your easily acquired. You've been conditioned to be a nice guy and the supply has flooded the demand. Until you build unique characteristic of your self...that is when you become sought after.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Men get this jerk thing confused all the time..

 

Women like to acquire jerks because to a women it feels that they acquire someone who is incapable of loving one individual. IE: The jerk may be a jerk to you, but not to his GF.

 

Their is a story of a lady who saves cats and puts them up in her home. Most the cats are affectionate and come to her when she provides food. One cat though does not show her affection and scratches her and bites her. The black cat finally after months was able to come close to the cat lady. Ironically, this is the cat she dears the most... because the love of the cat was the hardest to acquire.

 

Being a nice guy just means your easily acquired. You've been conditioned to be a nice guy and the supply has flooded the demand. Until you build unique characteristic of your self...that is when you become sought after.

 

This is interesting.

 

I back off - way, way off - if a guy seems "jerky" to anyone. I'm not into that. At all. Good guys FTW.

 

Same with pets, BTW. (Since the example above is of a cat.) I couldn't STAND our one rescue kitty who was never very warm. I didn't come near him. I just fed him, cared for his box, took him to the vet, etc. but I was not in the least drawn to him.

[Mrlonelyone]

Men get this jerk thing confused all the time..

 

Women like to acquire jerks because to a women it feels that they acquire someone who is incapable of loving one individual. IE: The jerk may be a jerk to you, but not to his GF.

 

This is very true. Plenty of people who are say ... total hard @$$es in their work, or towards strangers are soft and squishy towards their personal relations.

 

I think when men like the OP say women like jerks that's not what they are talking about. They are taking about women who are so head over heels with men that treat them like garbage.

 

Just as we have seen men who's wives treat them like crap and wonder why he stays with that ...witch.

[bradt93]

Their is one thing I'm leaving out, I was obsessed with another girl in middle school named Katie and my obsessiveness got out of control. I would call her house and hang up the phone. I would print out pictures of her and edit them, sort of like photoshop now. I would do all sorts of horrible things to her pictures like draw horns on her and things like that. Brooke could've heard about that and that's why she didn't talk to me when she saw me, is that a possibility. Don't other women hear about things like that and they become nervous around guys like that? I've changed now, I'm not the same guy I used to be, but Brooke doesn't know that.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Their is one thing I'm leaving out, I was obsessed with another girl in middle school named Katie and my obsessiveness got out of control. I would call her house and hang up the phone. I would print out pictures of her and edit them, sort of like photoshop now. I would do all sorts of horrible things to her pictures like draw horns on her and things like that. Brooke could've heard about that and that's why she didn't talk to me when she saw me, is that a possibility. Don't other women hear about things like that and they become nervous around guys like that? I've changed now, I'm not the same guy I used to be, but Brooke doesn't know that.

 

How would she find out? Were you caught? Did any adults speak to you about this and did they get you any help?

[bradt93]

How would she find out? Were you caught? Did any adults speak to you about this and did they get you any help?

Yes, I was caught and it was so bad at the time, I had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a week. I developed depression and was suicidal.

[bradt93]

Bottom line, at the time, I just had a total breakdown.

[bradt93]

I hope I didn't freak anyone out by telling a part of my life story.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I hope I didn't freak anyone out by telling a part of my life story.

 

I am not freaked out by it. Thank you for sharing it.

 

A psychiatric history can make some people nervous. I can't say this is the case with this girl because who knows? I mean why don't you actually connect with her, casually? Just a hey, saw someone the other day and it hit me later - was that my friend Brooke from MS? So thought I'd say hey. Then see if she answers. If she doesn't, don't pursue further.

[Sweetfish]

Their is one thing I'm leaving out, I was obsessed with another girl in middle school named Katie and my obsessiveness got out of control. I would call her house and hang up the phone. I would print out pictures of her and edit them, sort of like photoshop now. I would do all sorts of horrible things to her pictures like draw horns on her and things like that. Brooke could've heard about that and that's why she didn't talk to me when she saw me, is that a possibility. Don't other women hear about things like that and they become nervous around guys like that? I've changed now, I'm not the same guy I used to be, but Brooke doesn't know that.

 

 

So whats the relevance of this if it happen in middle school?

[elaine567]

So whats the relevance of this if it happen in middle school?

 

The relevance being that Brooke was in middle school with Brad and Brad saw Brooke whilst she was waitressing recently and she didn't speak to him and he was hurt, as he liked her, so he didn't tip her.

But I guess she never saw him as she was working or maybe she knows about what happened with Katie previously so didn't want to get involved and thus ignored him.

[bradt93]

The relevance being that Brooke was in middle school with Brad and Brad saw Brooke whilst she was waitressing recently and she didn't speak to him and he was hurt, as he liked her, so he didn't tip her.

But I guess she never saw him as she was working or maybe she knows about what happened with Katie previously so didn't want to get involved and thus ignored him.

How could Brooke remember that though, it was 15 years ago. I just don't know.

[elaine567]

How could Brooke remember that though, it was 15 years ago. I just don't know.

 

I think she probably just didn't see you or didn't recognise you, 15 years is a long time.