Been Seeing This Girl, Everything Going Well, and then GHOST?

[lakerman34]

So, I met this girl on Tinder.

 

Turns out, she worked for the Americorps company that I did a year after I left (i.e. a few mutual friends).

 

We met for beers. It was a good night. Day after Election Day. Some old lady English professor at the bar was talking our ear off about how horrible Trump is and how we should be scared.

 

Then, we went out for dinner on a weeknight (very tough for teachers to do). I dropped her off. I know she wanted a kiss, but I chickened out. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. At this time, we were RIGHT about to go to our respective home states for Thanksgiving.

 

It didn't sit well with me, so the next day I said, "hey, rough day today, wanna come over for a couple of beers?" She did. We drank. We made out. THEEEEENNNNNN we went on break.

 

It was very clear that things were going well. She texted me during our break saying how she was so excited to meet up.

 

Day I got back, we met up, had sex. It was fun.

 

We tried hanging out a couple times after that, busy schedules. About two weeks later, we went to dinner and the movies together. Slept together again. She made a comment about "holy ****, so, yeah, that was pretty f***ing amazing." This was before she was leaving to her home state for Christmas break (I was staying here).

She left the next morning with an "I'll see you in 2017."

 

We spoke VERY briefly via text. She was returning the 29th. Turns out, there was a huge storm by her, and she ended up coming back Jan. 1.

 

I texted her the 31st (mixing up the dates) asking her if she wanted to start the New Year with a BANG (haha). She reminded me that she wouldn't be back til the next day. I mixed up the dates, but whatever.

 

I text her the next day "fine fine, technically not the New Year, but still, come over." Turns out, she got in at 11PM and had work the next day. OK. I said "awww man. Yeah I get that. I still have off tomorrow. Lemme take you to dinner tomorrow night."

No response.

 

2 days go by (today). As I'm driving to work this morning, I saw that the Lion King was playing off-Broadway locally. I know she likes musical theater, and I do too. I tell her this evening, "Lion King. Lets do this. Just say yes."

 

No response.

 

Now, I know that she works CRAZY hours (often at work til past 8PM), but I'm still feeling uneasy.

 

OBVIOUSLY my next move is to just wait patiently, sit here twiddling my thumbs (not literally).

 

I really do want to see the Lion King, and have decided that I'm going to wait for a text by tomorrow. If I get nothing, I'm buying a ticket for one and treating myself.

 

Can anyone decode this lady action? Am I just being a bit paranoid?

Edited January 4, 2017 by lakerman34

[winny]

So she has turned you down 4 times now - 2 times with excuses and 2 times with no response.

 

Nothing you can do at this point.

 

I hate that feeling you are having right now.... sucks.... but we have to accept that there is only so much we can do and we cannot control the actions of others. Try to relax.

[lakerman34]

So she has turned you down 4 times now - 2 times with excuses and 2 times with no response.

 

Nothing you can do at this point.

 

I hate that feeling you are having right now.... sucks.... but we have to accept that there is only so much we can do and we cannot control the actions of others. Try to relax.

 

Don't know where you're getting 4 times from though. Only 2.

 

The work thing is legit. I've called off with her b/c of work. We have incredibly stressful, long hours.

 

The dinner thing and not responding to me buying tickets were the only real examples of her non-responsiveness.

 

I don't know. I do get the sense that she's not attached to her phone as well. She has texted me asking for sex before (I've had the MOST stressful day...wanna have sex?), and by the time I saw it, she was already passed out.

 

I don't want to say she's a done deal QUITE yet. I think I can give her a day or two for that. I'm just wondering if I'm being too optimistic. Either way, I'm buying that musical ticket because I want to go. If she obliges and the ticket is already bought, hopefully it'll be a lesson learned for her (i.e. when I'm offering a once in a lifetime opportunity, I'm saying respond ASAP b/c I'm going for it regardless).

[winny]

 

I don't know. I do get the sense that she's not attached to her phone as well. She has texted me asking for sex before (I've had the MOST stressful day...wanna have sex?), and by the time I saw it, she was already passed out.

 

So she is passed out for 2-3 days now? and hasn't checked her phone

 

I'm just wondering if I'm being too optimistic. Either way, I'm buying that musical ticket because I want to go. If she obliges and the ticket is already bought, hopefully it'll be a lesson learned for her (i.e. when I'm offering a once in a lifetime opportunity, I'm saying respond ASAP b/c I'm going for it regardless).

 

I see you have some self worth issues if you want to prove to someone that you are offering once in life time opportunities.

 

 

Instance 1:

 

We spoke VERY briefly via text. She was returning the 29th. Turns out, there was a huge storm by her, and she ended up coming back Jan. 1.

 

Instance 2:

 

I texted her the 31st (mixing up the dates) asking her if she wanted to start the New Year with a BANG (haha). She reminded me that she wouldn't be back til the next day.

 

Instance 3:

 

I text her the next day "fine fine, technically not the New Year, but still, come over." Turns out, she got in at 11PM and had work the next day. OK. I said "awww man. Yeah I get that. I still have off tomorrow. Lemme take you to dinner tomorrow night."

No response.

 

Instance 4:

 

2 days go by (today). As I'm driving to work this morning, I saw that the Lion King was playing off-Broadway locally. I know she likes musical theater, and I do too. I tell her this evening, "Lion King. Lets do this. Just say yes."

 

No response.

 

 

I see an escalating pattern of fading out here.

 

People make time for those they want to make time for.

 

Your best course of action is to - DO NOTHING.

[lakerman34]

I see an escalating pattern of fading out here.

 

People make time for those they want to make time for.

 

Your best course of action is to - DO NOTHING.

 

You're off-base. Self-worth issues? WHUT? I think you may be misunderstanding what I've said. I'm a bit confused by your evaluation...

 

Also, if you're on the other side of the country and can't make it back because of a storm, I hardly call that "rejecting" someone...

 

Again, 31st, she was in northeast I was in the south so....

 

I appreciate your help, but dang, maybe I did a terrible job explaining? Or you misread?

[Grey40]

I've just had the same thing happen to me man, it sucks. Luckily for me it was only after 2 dates I can't imagine how crappy it is after months.

 

From what you described, it doesn't sound good. She went from being super excited and responsive to not. I'd say it's probably over at least for now. I'm willing to bet 8/10 times the reason for it is because she's met someone else--someone she likes even better or just connects with better. This "storm" could be real or could just be an excuse to stay longer where she is with that someone new. I'm also just being extremely pessimistic about the situation, that's worst case scenario.

 

On the other hand the other 20% of the time people are weird sometimes, especially women when it comes to emotions. They seem to easily get into random emotional states where they do illogical stuff that men cannot quite understand. She may ignore you for a month and then come back to you when she feels ready again. Or she may not. I've heard ghosting stories where the women just didn't like how things were progressing (too fast, not the right way, wrong vibes, people in their ear etc.) and to protect themselves they cut off contact without really telling you what's going on, and then when they come around and feel better they miss you or think of you and try to reach out again. But I wouldn't count on it. Though it Does happen from time to time.

 

Sucks but you have asked her out twice in a row to no avail, that's more than enough to NOT ask again. I agree that the best thing to do is to just move on and hope for the best. Nothing worse than staring at the phone hoping she remembers you.

Edited January 4, 2017 by Grey40

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

OP I think you started to come on a bit too hard towards the end to be honest. You mixed the dates up and she said she couldnt, then you asked her the day after right away again, and again.

 

If a Woman rejects me, instead of saying "Ok how about __ instead?" I will just continue chatting/flirting with them a bit and pretend that I don't care that they rejected me. As long as they're still invested in texting that is. If they are giving one word replies or sound disinterested, then I will fade for a couple days and give them space.

 

Try cool it down a bit.

Edited January 4, 2017 by barcode88

[lakerman34]

I've just had the same thing happen to me man, it sucks. Luckily for me it was only after 2 dates I can't imagine how crappy it is after months.

 

From what you described, it doesn't sound good. She went from being super excited and responsive to not. I'd say it's probably over at least for now. I'm willing to bet 8/10 times the reason for it is because she's met someone else--someone she likes even better or just connects with better. This "storm" could be real or could just be an excuse to stay longer where she is with that someone new. I'm also just being extremely pessimistic about the situation, that's worst case scenario.

 

On the other hand the other 20% of the time people are weird sometimes, especially women when it comes to emotions. They seem to easily get into random emotional states where they do illogical stuff that men cannot quite understand. She may ignore you for a month and then come back to you when she feels ready again. Or she may not. I've heard ghosting stories where the women just didn't like how things were progressing (too fast, not the right way, wrong vibes, people in their ear etc.) and to protect themselves they cut off contact without really telling you what's going on, and then when they come around and feel better they miss you or think of you and try to reach out again. But I wouldn't count on it. Though it Does happen from time to time.

 

Sucks but you have asked her out twice in a row to no avail, that's more than enough to NOT ask again. I agree that the best thing to do is to just move on and hope for the best. Nothing worse than staring at the phone hoping she remembers you.

 

Nah, the weather thing is legitimate. In our city, she lives 2 minutes away, but she lives 4 hours away via plane. Honestly, if there is a guy in her home state, I really don't even care that much, but knowing her and stories she has told me, I don't really think there is.

 

I just think it's either that she doesn't feel an emotional connection OR she just hasn't gotten around to responding/sucks at texting.

 

Because we are both teachers in one of the most difficult cities to teach in, we understand each others lifestyles. She has given me quite a few passes, and I've given her quite a few too (hey, I REALLY can't tonight because I'm just dead tired -- something we've both said a couple of times).

 

If I'm going to be even MORE honest, if she has met another guy here (which I HIGHLY doubt), it's fine, whatever. I'm more confused/disappointed about the lack of communication. We are at a point in our "relationship" that I wouldn't be offended if she decided that she found someone else who she connects to better. I think we really like hanging out with each other, we find each other very fun and interesting, and the sex is incredible, but I don't think we will ever see each other eye-to-eye on a deep, emotional, spiritual level. In other words, I don't see her being "serious girlfriend" material, and she may sense that.

 

That is NOT to say that I don't want us to continue with what we have. It's fun!

[lakerman34]

OP I think you started to come on a bit too hard towards the end to be honest. You mixed the dates up and she said she couldnt, then you asked her the day after right away again, and again.

 

If a Woman rejects me, instead of saying "Ok how about __ instead?" I will just continue chatting/flirting with them a bit and pretend that I don't care that they rejected me. As long as they're still invested in texting that is. If they are giving one word replies or sound disinterested, then I will fade for a couple days and give them space.

 

Try cool it down a bit.

 

Yeah I kind of sensed that too. I can agree with that. The whole musical thing came 2 days after the whole "hey, I JUST got off the plane, I am le tired, have work in the morning, I'm going to try and get a good night's sleep." I really believe that. Anyone who calls that a "rejection" is just not correct.

 

But yes, I went from "lets see each other, lets see each other, let me take you out for dinner" 3 consecutive nights. That does come off as needy, but I don't think it's game, set, match JUST from that though.

 

Time will tell. I'm fairly certain that we'll see each other again, but hey, I've thought that before with girls in the past and have been disappointed.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Yeah I kind of sensed that too. I can agree with that. The whole musical thing came 2 days after the whole "hey, I JUST got off the plane, I am le tired, have work in the morning, I'm going to try and get a good night's sleep." I really believe that. Anyone who calls that a "rejection" is just not correct.

 

But yes, I went from "lets see each other, lets see each other, let me take you out for dinner" 3 consecutive nights. That does come off as needy, but I don't think it's game, set, match JUST from that though.

 

Time will tell. I'm fairly certain that we'll see each other again, but hey, I've thought that before with girls in the past and have been disappointed.

 

Rejection may be the wrong word, but how about disinterest.

 

Interest will wax and wane in a fledgling relationship, and we need to know how to handle it.

 

You will probably see her again, I agree. Just need to cool off for a little bit, and come at it fresh.

[lakerman34]

Rejection may be the wrong word, but how about disinterest.

 

Interest will wax and wane in a fledgling relationship, and we need to know how to handle it.

 

You will probably see her again, I agree. Just need to cool off for a little bit, and come at it fresh.

 

If I'm going to be totally frank, she really liked the sex. REALLY liked it.

 

She'll call/text me if only for that. Honestly, I wish she would be honest and say, "I really am just doing this for the sex/hooking up, not really into going out" if that's what she feels. That'd be fine with me. I don't know if that's the case, but seems like it to me.

[Mrin]

Ah man. That sucks. I do agree that the BANG comment was a little hard. Women's minds are like supercomputers. We dudes, our minds are like an Atari from from 1984. Seriously they have like that jumbo 128 pack of crayons with s*** like burnt umber and coral. We have two - blue and black. Who knows what is going on.

 

I'd leave it at where you are and wait for her to respond. The Lion King text was good. Ball is in her court. Give her 48 hours.

Edited January 4, 2017 by Mrin

[lakerman34]

Ah man. That sucks. I do agree that the BANG comment was a little hard. Women's minds are like supercomputers. We dudes, our minds are like an Atari from from 1984. Seriously they have like that jumbo 128 pack of crayons with s*** like burnt umber and coral. We have two - blue and black. Who knows what is going on.

 

I'd leave it at where you are and wait for her to respond. The Lion King text was good. Ball is in her court. Give her 48 hours.

 

Honestly, I think she doesn't mind the "bang" text. We've said a LOT worse to each other. It's just playful. If anything, I think it did me good.

 

About man's brain vs. woman's brain? Yes. You're absolutely right.

 

48 hours? You're nice. Tickets are selling out SUPER quickly. She has 24 hours.

 

Apparently, my offering her a ticket devalues my self-worth, according to winnie above haha

[Grey40]

 

If I'm going to be even MORE honest, if she has met another guy here (which I HIGHLY doubt), it's fine, whatever. I'm more confused/disappointed about the lack of communication. We are at a point in our "relationship" that I wouldn't be offended if she decided that she found someone else who she connects to better. I think we really like hanging out with each other, we find each other very fun and interesting, and the sex is incredible, but I don't think we will ever see each other eye-to-eye on a deep, emotional, spiritual level. In other words, I don't see her being "serious girlfriend" material, and she may sense that.

 

That is NOT to say that I don't want us to continue with what we have. It's fun!

 

Well YOU wouldn't be offended if she met someone else, but she doesn't know that. YOU would be ok if she doesn't want a serious relationship, but she might not know that. And once again, I'm not telling you she definitely met someone else, I'm just saying you can't rule it out. You say you don't have a strong emotional relationship its more physical--perhaps she could have met someone who offers her both. Can't rule it out.

 

She's not that busy that she can't be more responsive. You've had crazy schedules in the past and that never got too much in the way of responding--sure you couldn't meet up, but there was a mutual understanding that "it's ok well do it another day"..now you're getting radio silence. You have a right to be alarmed and you wouldn't have posted on here if your gut was giving you a hint.

[lakerman34]

Well YOU wouldn't be offended if she met someone else, but she doesn't know that. YOU would be ok if she doesn't want a serious relationship, but she might not know that. And once again, I'm not telling you she definitely met someone else, I'm just saying you can't rule it out. You say you don't have a strong emotional relationship its more physical--perhaps she could have met someone who offers her both. Can't rule it out.

 

She's not that busy that she can't be more responsive. You've had crazy schedules in the past and that never got too much in the way of responding--sure you couldn't meet up, but there was a mutual understanding that "it's ok well do it another day"..now you're getting radio silence. You have a right to be alarmed and you wouldn't have posted on here if your gut was giving you a hint.

 

Can't deny any of this.

 

We tend to communicate more towards the end of the week (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) as it is, so maybe I should "wait" until then to see if she'll send me a response.

 

Also, radio silence sucks, but in reality, my parents have texted me when I was at work, I'd check my phone during a break, and I would just forget to respond. It happens. Who's to say it didn't happen with her?

 

Maybe she has been seeing other guys on Tinder and has, indeed, found a guy more intriguing.

 

I don't know. I think I'm overthinking this. Everything is probably fine.

 

Ball's on her court, all I can do is wait.

[Grey40]

Can't deny any of this.

 

We tend to communicate more towards the end of the week (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) as it is, so maybe I should "wait" until then to see if she'll send me a response.

 

Also, radio silence sucks, but in reality, my parents have texted me when I was at work, I'd check my phone during a break, and I would just forget to respond. It happens. Who's to say it didn't happen with her?

 

Maybe she has been seeing other guys on Tinder and has, indeed, found a guy more intriguing.

 

I don't know. I think I'm overthinking this. Everything is probably fine.

 

Ball's on her court, all I can do is wait.

 

Very true about parents, I do that all the time. But why do we do it? I do it because usually I'm annoyed that they are asking, or I don't want to have to tell them/explain it or don't consider it a big priority in the moment. That's usually not how someone feels about a person they are "dating" or "intimate" with, imo. Though anytime a relationship moves past the first few months there is always less communication than there was in the initial period. Definitely chill out with the texts though you've sent too many at this point, she knows you want to hang out and will probably get back to you this weekend. If not, well, then you can reach out once more and maybe just ask if you can talk on the phone and just find out what the deal is, you've been seeing each other long enough where that kind of conversation won't be awkward

[winny]

 

Also, radio silence sucks, but in reality, my parents have texted me when I was at work, I'd check my phone during a break, and I would just forget to respond. It happens. Who's to say it didn't happen with her?

 

 

You know why we forget to respond to parents???? That's because we have that much of a comfortable relationship them. We know that if we dont respond to them then they wont think we are uninterested or they wont assume we are going to ghost them or think we are rude or dont have manners etc.

 

When we are dating someone and really into them during the initial stages, one will go way out of their way to not come across as any of the above in fear of turning of the other person. So they will put in extra effort to respond back on time.

 

Let's not compare not responding to parents with not responding to a person you are dating.

 

There is always a possibility that she is busy.... but even the busiest of busy people would take time out to text back. That's a fact..!!

Now unless she comes back with a very solid reason, she is ignoring you deliberately.

[Formerfiveo]

I don't think you came across too strong or too needy. You were obviously into each other and enjoyed each others company, in and out of the bedroom.

 

I see nothing wrong or "needy" about wanting to see her as soon as she's back. I'd be flattered if the guy I'm seeing remembered that I liked musicals. Please don't let some pseudo-psychological armchair analysis change your style.

 

I hope you hear from her soon!

[heavenonearth]

I have not read all the responses but from your initial post it seems that you came on too strong in the very end and she just did not like it.

I think that a lot of American girls especially don't like when a guy comes on too strong. How old are you guys? College age?

I feel that's a time where a lot of girls just want to party and sleep around.

I know in my early 20s I didn't care too much about just dating ONE guy.

So she probably dates a lot of others and you were a nice FWB sort of situation for her, but she notices you get a bit pushy and so she pulls away.

 

I would just leave it be and move on to someone who values you more. Unless you want her only for sex.

[phineas]

I have not read all the responses but from your initial post it seems that you came on too strong in the very end and she just did not like it.

I think that a lot of American girls especially don't like when a guy comes on too strong. How old are you guys? College age?

I feel that's a time where a lot of girls just want to party and sleep around.

I know in my early 20s I didn't care too much about just dating ONE guy.

So she probably dates a lot of others and you were a nice FWB sort of situation for her, but she notices you get a bit pushy and so she pulls away.

 

I would just leave it be and move on to someone who values you more. Unless you want her only for sex.

 

doesn't matter age.

i've found the less attention you give a woman in between dates the more effort they make to see you and the more interest they show when in front of you.

 

basically, texting is used to set up dates and thats it.

no flirty talk or sex talk or any of the stuff they probably get from half a dozen men daily.

 

stand apart from the rest.

[heavenonearth]

doesn't matter age.

i've found the less attention you give a woman in between dates the more effort they make to see you and the more interest they show when in front of you.

 

basically, texting is used to set up dates and thats it.

no flirty talk or sex talk or any of the stuff they probably get from half a dozen men daily.

 

stand apart from the rest.

 

I find phineas' stance manipulative and misogynistic.

 

I would not advise OP to tool around with women like that.

Just be true to yourself, OP. Don't pretend to be someone you are not just for a girl to like you. That sets you up for disappointment.

[lakerman34]

Thank you for all of the responses!

 

I'm just going to take her radio silence as a "hey buddy, a bit eager, no? Wait for me to contact you!"

 

However, in the meantime, and I don't think this is manipulative at all, I'm just going to do what I want and make plans. Mostly because I want to, but a secondary reason is to be unavailable for when she WANTS to hang out. I think that sends her a message that, perhaps subconsciously, she wants to hear.

[VeveCakes]

If she obliges and the ticket is already bought, hopefully it'll be a lesson learned for her (i.e. when I'm offering a once in a lifetime opportunity, I'm saying respond ASAP b/c I'm going for it regardless).

 

first of all going to theatre isnt a once in a lifetime opportunity....second of all - I hope you didn't tell her to respond "ASAP"...because that usually shuts people down pretty quick when someone tries to control their text behavior.

[winny]

Thank you for all of the responses!

 

I'm just going to take her radio silence as a "hey buddy, a bit eager, no? Wait for me to contact you!"

 

However, in the meantime, and I don't think this is manipulative at all, I'm just going to do what I want and make plans. Mostly because I want to, but a secondary reason is to be unavailable for when she WANTS to hang out. I think that sends her a message that, perhaps subconsciously, she wants to hear.

 

Actually, subconsciously, you are doing things in the hope that somehow they will make you more desirable in her eyes. When you do the same things without worrying about her (like honestly not worrying about her) only they you become desirable. Right now you are only trying too hard to show her that you are not affected and totally okay and can go out alone.... but you are not...

[Pinhead Larry]

She's not interested anymore. Might as well move on